Sexuality And Singles

[Archaeology cat]

I certainly don't think we're to be asexual when single, because God made us specific genders for a reason. While it can be objectifying to see another as physically attractive, it isn't always. I see my husband as physically attractive, but I don't objectify him. Intent makes a big difference, I think. I do think it helps to have some level of attraction to a person to date him, though physical attractiveness isn't the only part of that, if that makes sense.

As for how we dress, I think it's fine to wear things that are attractive - goodness, we don't want to go around wearing potato sacks. We have curves, it's how we're made. Wearing something skin-tight or really low-cut isn't a good idea, and I don't find such things comfortable anyway, but that's me. I don't think we're any less feminine if we're not a wife or mother, though. I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. . .

[let_go_let_God]

Ok bras and a monthly cycle are things unfortunately stereotypically feminine and true. Therefore not a stereotype. If you don't mind I'll take a crack at what questions you've already posted.

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289369213' post='2186133']
Is it always bad to dress in a way that is sexy (and I am not talking about band-aid sized bikinis)?[/quote]

Let's first talk about sexy. Sexy as an adjective can also mean just regular ol' attractive. If the goal to to be attractive in such a way that 97% of the male population (can't stop all men) from looking at you and thinking, I want her in a sexual manner (feel free to paraphrase). That's fine. If your goal is to make that 97% of the male population to think of you in that way we have a problem.

For me, I am a size 22 - 24 big woman. I feel most attractive in a well fitting t-shirt or sweater and a pair of jeans that helps hide some flaws and not over accentuate what my momma and God gave me. When I leave the apartment in the morning I am more concerned with looking appropriate for my job than sexy. When I go out with the girls I think a little more about what kind of attention what I'm wearing will get me. When I was single, I concentrated on what kind of men would want to approach me based on what I was wearing. Usually it turned out to be many of the same things I would wear in everyday life and guys would also have an easier time looking me in the eyes than any where else.

Rule of thumb: If a majority of guys won't look you in the face when you're talking, something in your wardrobe needs to change. Being attractive doesn't necessarily need to come from what you are willing to show.

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289369213' post='2186133']Is it objectifying to think of a guy as physically attractive?[/quote]

I'm going to use an over generalization. When you think of a guy as physically attractive are you saying I am admiring his God given beauty or trying to figure out what it would be like to be alone with him? Adjectives such as 'hot', 'sexy', 'smokin', or pointing out specific features on a guy, can have specific reactions. If you are straying from pointing out the honest beauty in a person and straying into the realms of want and use, again something needs to change.

Hate is not the opposite of love. The opposite of love is use. (Paraphrased from Pope John Paul II, Love and Responsibility)

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289369213' post='2186133']Can I really never laugh about how having a sex drive works even though I can laugh at other things in life?[/quote]

In this case there is a difference from laughing about how you are feeling with a group of friends and laughing at a dirty joke. Talking with your trusted friends comes with a basic understanding, you all have some similar experiences and you all trust each other. Your sex drive is a deeply personal thing and probably not something you share with every person you meet. When laughing about it, think about where you are in life and how you are saying it. If it's turning into gossip about your last big date, try directing the conversation in a different direction. If you are having an honest gripe session about difficulties, all women need that once and again.

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289369213' post='2186133']Is it always wrong to not date someone because I am not physically attracted to him in that way even though I like his personality?[/quote]

No, not all attraction is physical. If you are dating someone because of their personality or how they are treating you, that's ok. You may not be the most physically attracted to that person, but you have a greater emotional or even spiritual attraction. Dating is a long term interview for marriage. I know people don't always think of it that way, but how else are you going to get to know a person well enough to figure out if he's Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. When dating take a chance to really get to know a person. If you don't think marriage could be a result for the two of you, something isn't right.

This does bring up the topic of casual dating. Casual dating take many definitions, but briefly, dating someone just to have a date isn't good. Rather go out with a group of friends and have a good time than just going out with someone randomly because you can. The greatest gift you have to give is your heart. The people you date should be able to protect it.

I hope I've been able to help some.

God bless-
LGLG

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1289409282' post='2186209']
Ok bras and a monthly cycle are things unfortunately stereotypically feminine and true. Therefore not a stereotype. If you don't mind I'll take a crack at what questions you've already posted.



Let's first talk about sexy. Sexy as an adjective can also mean just regular ol' attractive. If the goal to to be attractive in such a way that 97% of the male population (can't stop all men) from looking at you and thinking, I want her in a sexual manner (feel free to paraphrase). That's fine. If your goal is to make that 97% of the male population to think of you in that way we have a problem.

For me, I am a size 22 - 24 big woman. I feel most attractive in a well fitting t-shirt or sweater and a pair of jeans that helps hide some flaws and not over accentuate what my momma and God gave me. When I leave the apartment in the morning I am more concerned with looking appropriate for my job than sexy. When I go out with the girls I think a little more about what kind of attention what I'm wearing will get me. When I was single, I concentrated on what kind of men would want to approach me based on what I was wearing. Usually it turned out to be many of the same things I would wear in everyday life and guys would also have an easier time looking me in the eyes than any where else.

Rule of thumb: If a majority of guys won't look you in the face when you're talking, something in your wardrobe needs to change. Being attractive doesn't necessarily need to come from what you are willing to show.



I'm going to use an over generalization. When you think of a guy as physically attractive are you saying I am admiring his God given beauty or trying to figure out what it would be like to be alone with him? Adjectives such as 'hot', 'sexy', 'smokin', or pointing out specific features on a guy, can have specific reactions. If you are straying from pointing out the honest beauty in a person and straying into the realms of want and use, again something needs to change.

Hate is not the opposite of love. The opposite of love is use. (Paraphrased from Pope John Paul II, Love and Responsibility)



In this case there is a difference from laughing about how you are feeling with a group of friends and laughing at a dirty joke. Talking with your trusted friends comes with a basic understanding, you all have some similar experiences and you all trust each other. Your sex drive is a deeply personal thing and probably not something you share with every person you meet. When laughing about it, think about where you are in life and how you are saying it. If it's turning into gossip about your last big date, try directing the conversation in a different direction. If you are having an honest gripe session about difficulties, all women need that once and again.



No, not all attraction is physical. If you are dating someone because of their personality or how they are treating you, that's ok. You may not be the most physically attracted to that person, but you have a greater emotional or even spiritual attraction. Dating is a long term interview for marriage. I know people don't always think of it that way, but how else are you going to get to know a person well enough to figure out if he's Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. When dating take a chance to really get to know a person. If you don't think marriage could be a result for the two of you, something isn't right.

This does bring up the topic of casual dating. Casual dating take many definitions, but briefly, dating someone just to have a date isn't good. Rather go out with a group of friends and have a good time than just going out with someone randomly because you can. The greatest gift you have to give is your heart. The people you date should be able to protect it.

I hope I've been able to help some.

God bless-
LGLG
[/quote]

[tinytherese]

It sounds like you would benefit from studying Theology of the Body. I've read part of Men and Women are From Eden, which is a book that discusses the main points of Theology of the Body in plain english that has been really good.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1289382290' post='2186154']
I reckon the number of people who abide by these rules completely have very few serious romantic relationships. There's a reason they have confession.
[/quote]
Romans 6:1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

So what other advice is there about what we should do?

[let_go_let_God]

I want to go back to something I said earlier. I have a body that my momma and God gave me. Parts of me I find attractive, parts of me I do not.

In order to be attractive are we as women going to let ourselves be defined solely by what is "pleasant" about our physical bodies. I for one say no! Honestly I for one like my face, my hair and a few other attributes that I will not mention here. Do I dress in such way that draws attention to them? No. Do I dress in a way that hides them? No. As for the features I don't like, the main one is my body weight. Do I dress in such a way to try to hide it? You better believe it. I know what works best to flatter my shape and modestly accentuate the "femininity" I have.

Often to try and curb people from having certain thoughts I watch my necklines. That is very self explanatory. I also watch for shirts that work to over emphasize my bodice. There are things that can be done to lessen said emphasis. In my line of work I prefer to talk to people in person, the last thing I need is people not to be looking me in the eyes. It gets embarrassing quite quickly if this isn't done. And I feel like doing this while talking to said person

Now if you are saying, LGLG where are you in life? I'm 24 yrs. old, getting ready to be married (58 days to go!) and working as an example to my parish and the youth of the community. I've done the college dating scene, the club circuit and recently downgraded again to the local karaoke bar or Guitar Hero and Rock Band with my friends. I don't particularly mean to intend for guys to want to chat me up or what not but it does happen.

When trying to get my Mr. Right's attention did I accentuate certain features to get his attention? Yes, he will admit it too, but let me explain.

When I answered your questions I was being completely honest and these were ways that I kept myself in check. About Mr. Right's situation, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship where I didn't feel beautiful at all. I was constantly hiding my body and trying to figure out how I would make myself loose weight and maybe even hurt myself. I was looking to feel beautiful again. I had a crush on Mr. Right and he wasn't getting the hint. We were great friends and I was making him go with me to a semi - formal swing dance.

I found my favorite and only dress at the time. It is knee length, wide shoulder straps, and a high box cut on the top. I always wore this dress with a cardigan to hide my shoulders. I found a cute pair of shoes, did my hair to match the period, and put on a little makeup basically to hide how blood shot my eyes were and to hide some of the puffiness. Above all I wanted to feel beautiful myself. I went through my checklist, the only problem I found is although the dress fell below the knee I could be showing a little bit too much leg but otherwise I wouldn't have anything else to wear, and for the first time in about 3 years I honestly felt a little pretty.

Mr. Right and I had been friends for 5 years, and that evening was the first time he saw me as physically beautiful. Had I tempted him? No. (I know this because I kept asking him if I was too revealing for a good portion of the night and he can't lie to me) Many of my guy friends thought this was the best I had looked in a long time. Another of my guy friends hugged me and congratulated me on being the most beautiful girl there. Why? Because I was able to maintain my modesty and I had great confidence.

As for my Mr. Right we were able to talk and define our relationship with each other. That was April 09 and now we're getting married.

But enough of my examples, do you have any other questions?

God bless-
LGLG

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1289409282' post='2186209']Let's first talk about sexy. Sexy as an adjective can also mean just regular ol' attractive. If the goal to to be attractive in such a way that 97% of the male population (can't stop all men) from looking at you and thinking, I want her in a sexual manner (feel free to paraphrase). That's fine. If your goal is to make that 97% of the male population to think of you in that way we have a problem.[/quote]

Wait, the first part is ok?

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1289409282' post='2186209'] For me, I am a size 22 - 24 big woman. I feel most attractive in a well fitting t-shirt or sweater and a pair of jeans that helps hide some flaws and not over accentuate what my momma and God gave me. When I leave the apartment in the morning I am more concerned with looking appropriate for my job than sexy. When I go out with the girls I think a little more about what kind of attention what I'm wearing will get me. When I was single, I concentrated on what kind of men would want to approach me based on what I was wearing. Usually it turned out to be many of the same things I would wear in everyday life and guys would also have an easier time looking me in the eyes than any where else.

Rule of thumb: If a majority of guys won't look you in the face when you're talking, something in your wardrobe needs to change. Being attractive doesn't necessarily need to come from what you are willing to show.[/quote]

I'm a couple lbs above underweight on those online BMI things. I hardly ever notices guys not looking me in the face yet looking at me. And yes, showing too much can make a person seem desperate or trampy.

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1289409282' post='2186209']In this case there is a difference from laughing about how you are feeling with a group of friends and laughing at a dirty joke.[/quote] What if it is a dirty joke that makes you realize or reflect on something about yourself?

[let_go_let_God]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289419805' post='2186259']
Wait, the first part is ok? [/quote]

What I meant is that if they are wanting you in that way you have a problem. Oops, thanks for catching that


[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289419805' post='2186259']I'm a couple lbs above underweight on those online BMI things. I hardly ever notices guys not looking me in the face yet looking at me. And yes, showing too much can make a person seem desperate or trampy.[/quote]

Agreed

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289419805' post='2186259']What if it is a dirty joke that makes you realize or reflect on something about yourself?
[/quote]

If that's the case then praise God for the grace even through that joke. The reason I try to steer away from those jokes is because it could lead people into starting to either gossip about things that should be left unsaid or start spinning stories of a sinful nature. Now if it does lead you to a realization or reflection, great. Is there something that you need to change or adapt? Use that realization. Maybe it is God trying to get you to notice something bigger.

God bless-
LGLG

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='let_go_let_God' timestamp='1289419711' post='2186258']Now if you are saying, LGLG where are you in life? I'm 24 yrs. old, getting ready to be married (58 days to go!) and working as an example to my parish and the youth of the community. I've done the college dating scene, the club circuit and recently downgraded again to the local karaoke bar or Guitar Hero and Rock Band with my friends. I don't particularly mean to intend for guys to want to chat me up or what not but it does happen.[/quote]
27. graduated college in March, taking one class and job hunting. Involved in two small churches, neither of which have real dating prospects. Dated really only two guys in my life.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='truthfinder' timestamp='1289373764' post='2186149']
Okay, it was pretty much a rhetorical question, but thanks for answering. Yeah, I would have a struggle with anything platonic, but in later in marriage, one may not be attracted your spouse then. It's hard to tell what we'd do. I think there has to be some sort of attraction, but does this have to be physical. I guess in discerning marriage you would have to come to terms with would you want to consummate your marriage with someone you do not feel attracted to? I think it's something that each person has to come to terms on. IMO, there are no easy answers. Sorry, I'm not much more help.
[/quote]

This thread has gotten pretty long very fast, but I wanted to respond to one point you made. Caution: Somewhat mature content.

I don't think that you should assume at all that you will be less physically attracted to your spouse later in marriage. Some couples do find each other less physically attractive, but in my experience, that seems to have more to do with how good the marriage is than actual physical looks. I know a number of couples in their 50's and up who have been married a long time and are still very physically attracted to each other. In my 20's, I found men in their 40's "old" and couldn't imagine being attracted to a man in his 40's or older. But, except for some men who seem to be trying to deny they are getting older by dating women in their 20's, most people seem to change as they get older in terms of what they find attractive in the opposite sex.

As someone old enough to have a child in their 20's (although I don't--I have no children) I don't find young men in their late teens and 20's attractive. In fact, sometimes I look at young guys and wonder how I could ever have found them attractive. Somehow, over time, without realizing it, my mindset and standards changed. I've also found that I care far less than I did in my 20's what a guy looks like. For whatever reason, I find some men my age physically attractive and others not--even if they are objectively equally good-looking. I am far more interested in what a man is like as a person than what he physically looks like. I have stopped trying to predict physical chemistry. For me it's either there or not, and often makes no rational sense.

I think for most married couples I know, the longer they are married, sexual intercourse becomes something they think about less often. (But, I know a couple of long-married couples where this is not the case.) Part of that is hormones. For both men and women testosterone/estrogen levels get lower as you get older. Personally, I like this. It's much more comfortable not to have to fight thinking about sex all the time. Also, when you're married, you know that you can pretty much have sex whenever you want (obviously with certain exceptions such as health issues, or if you are practicing NFP) so it becomes less of an obsession. But, also, at least for me, I always tend to think more about what I can't have, so I thought a lot more about sex before I was married. (FYI--I am now divorced.)

Many married couples who've been married a long time don't have sexual intercourse as often as when they were younger, but this is not necessarily a problem. Things like kids, your job, things that have to be done around the house, your health, other obligations, etc etc leave you tired at the end of the day. Sometimes it's actually most satisfying to lie in bed and hold your spouse without having intercourse, but just having "pillow talk"--discussing your day, talking about things that concern you, etc--sometimes this intimate talking is actually just as satisfying and strengthens your relationship, especially if you're just too tired to have sexual intercourse.

And, sexual intercourse doesn't have to get more boring and routine as you are married longer (although some couples let this happen). Many friends have told me that even if they don't have sexual intercourse as often as when they were younger, the experience is actually more satisfying because they feel so much more comfortable with each other, and they know each other's likes and dislikes so much more. So, sexual intercourse may be different than when you're first married, but not necessarily less satisfying. And, what you look like doesn't matter, because your attraction to your spouse is based so much more on your love and caring for each other. The feelings may not be as intense as when you're first married, but the feelings are in many ways actually stronger and deeper because of all the experiences you've shared and the fact that you know your spouse much better than when you're first married.

So, don't worry. If you still love your husband, and do your best to keep a close, emotionally intimate relationship with him, it's likely you will still find him just as physically attractive as you did when you were first married. Because you love him, physical looks are less important. And, as I said earlier, your standards of what you find attractive in a man change. I am single, and as I said earlier, I look at guys in their 20's and wonder what I ever found attractive about them, but find men closer to my age physically attractive. Without ever noticing it happening, what I find attractive in a man has continued to change as I get older.

Hope this helps a little.

[truthfinder]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' timestamp='1289440403' post='2186337']
This thread has gotten pretty long very fast, but I wanted to respond to one point you made. Caution: Somewhat mature content.

I don't think that you should assume at all that you will be less physically attracted to your spouse later in marriage. Some couples do find each other less physically attractive, but in my experience, that seems to have more to do with how good the marriage is than actual physical looks. I know a number of couples in their 50's and up who have been married a long time and are still very physically attracted to each other. In my 20's, I found men in their 40's "old" and couldn't imagine being attracted to a man in his 40's or older. But, except for some men who seem to be trying to deny they are getting older by dating women in their 20's, most people seem to change as they get older in terms of what they find attractive in the opposite sex.

[/quote]


Thank you for your elaboration, you very much touched on what I was thinking, but didn't write. I in no way meant that all people would stop finding their spouses attractive after awhile. I also very much know our attractions change with age. I was just emphasizing that physical attraction may not always be there, so it cannot be the only foundation for marriage. Iggy, I'm very appreciative of your responses here because, if you don't mind me saying, you have years of life experience that many of us do not, and I value your insights. I just didn't want to go there in my response.
God bless you.

[Deeds]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1289371610' post='2186139']
Thank you. Gotta ask about this though.


So I should dress like a stylish nun or a modern and non-Jewish frum? Avoid anything that shows off shape in any way? (I'm in my mid-late 20s, and my mom tells me it's ok to dress sexier than I currently do.)
[/quote]
It's an interesting question, so here are my opinions. There's a certain level of coverage that is always necessary (e.g. most of the torso and thighs, unless you're swimming or something). With that taken for granted, there's a difference between dressing attractively and dressing sexily. The former, to me, means wearing clothing that you like and that flatters your figure. The latter, to me, means actively flaunting your wares. There's a balance between shrink-wrapping yourself in fabric and hiding everything under a sea of bagginess. A dress that understatedly lets your curves be seen is fine. A dress that's designed to draw everyone's eyes to your impressive cleavage (for example) is not.

I think you just need to discern for yourself what is appropriate and what isn't. It can be hard sometimes, but as long as you don't have the intention to lead others astray, I'm sure you'll be fine. Personally, I don't like wearing anything shorter than knee length or anything sleeveless. I do wear shallow scoop or v-necklines though. I avoid anything tight, but I do wear reasonably fitted items, like knitwear. Those are just my rules, as a slightly overweight person in a cold climate; others may come to different conclusions.

[dominicansoul]

when i first read the title of this thread, I thought it said, "Sexuality and SHINGLES."

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='dominicansoul' timestamp='1289488498' post='2186456']
when i first read the title of this thread, I thought it said, "Sexuality and SHINGLES."
[/quote]

:: :: :: Glad I'm not the only one who sees things differently sometimes.

[missionseeker]

I read this today for a class. I thought it pertained

[IMG]http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k297/Chant_Chick/1112101520.jpg[/IMG]

Edited November 13, 2010 by missionseeker