Discerning Feelings

[In The Arms of The Lord]

I don't post here often, but I enjoy looking at what you all talk about. It's nice to follow along with other's who are discerning the religious life.

My question is, lately i've been experiencing three different emotions and feelings very deeply in my soul. It seems to be two different anxieties and a deep sorrow at times.

The first anxiety, perhaps the negative one (if I may call it that) seems to come at certain times about entering a religious community where I have many doubts and uncertainties about entering the religious life. The second anxiety I have, is sometimes with the other kind (but mostly seperate) is more of an anxious anxiety. Where I feel this anxiousness (earnestly desirous and eager) about giving myself to Jesus; which I so long for.

The deep sorrow I have at times comes when I have thoughts that I will not be able to enter religious life, either because of the doubts and uncertainties I experience (perhaps the anxiety itself), or because perhaps I do not have the grace for religious life (which could also be because of the first anxiety I experience). This deep sorrow is not just an ordinary sadness, but a deep piercing pain which at times makes me in certain ways quite ill physically and spiritually; which could be because of this longing to give myself to Him.

Is there any advice or perhaps experiences that you may have to share?

Edited August 13, 2010 by In The Arms of The Lord

[ksterling]

I've been actively discerning for over a year now and have just really started focusing on different communities. If I'm going to enter, I will probably do so next summer. I have experienced many of the same feelings you are now experiencing and think it's completely normal. At some point, you're just going to have to take the leap. If it's right for you, you will persevere. It is isn't, you will leave. But that's why they have postulancy and novitiate - periods of continuing discernment and adjustment - like an engagement. I worry that I am too old (27) to make the accommodation to rules and regulations, to not being my own boss and living with people, some of whom I might not have chosen to be friends with "in civilian life." I don't think you can make yourself have a vocation or force yourself to stay if you don't have the grace for it and that's not where your calling lies (unless of course you want to be utterly miserable). This is not to say that you should expect smooth sailing every minute. No job or life situation comes without good points and bad. I work for a big corporation. I have a lot of responsibility and a lot of stress - my hours are long and I am always at the beck and call of my boss. On the other hand, I am very well paid and I get to use my money to help my mom and sister (my sister is divorced with a small child and is struggling) - I get to help my parish and can donate to some causes that are meaningful to me. I think it's the same in religious life but with the greater challenge that you don't have a physical spouse to share the burden. I have learned that religious life is difficult and requires sacrifice - and, frankly, I haven't made many sacrifices in my life. To me, there is also the great joy of giving your whole life to God and others and I am really seeing the true beauty of community as I talk to sisters in different orders. I feel very drawn to this life - both its rewards and its difficulties. I certainly didn't go looking for this. In fact, it took me quite a while to acknowledge what I was feeling. I have made up my mind that I am going to try and trust in God to led me on the right path. If I'm misreading the signals, so be it but I'll never know unless I try. I hope this makes sense to you.

Kat

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='In The Arms of The Lord' timestamp='1281724395' post='2156571']
The deep sorrow I have at times comes when I have thoughts that I will not be able to enter religious life, either because of the doubts and uncertainties I experience (perhaps the anxiety itself), or because perhaps I do not have the grace for religious life (which could also be because of the first anxiety I experience). This deep sorrow is not just an ordinary sadness, but a deep piercing pain which at times makes me in certain ways quite ill physically and spiritually; which could be because of this longing to give myself to Him.
[/quote]

This paragraph is very similar to what I'm experiencing in my present state. I recently came to the realization that I may not be able to enter religious life because of a chronic, life-long illness that I believe I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've contacted religious communities, expressing my desire to discern with them, but they will not allow me to because of my illness. It's very hard for me to swallow sometimes because I desire very much to serve God in religious life, but I cannot find one that is sympathetic enough to at least let me try. It causes me deep sorrow when I know I'll never be able to serve God in that way and be part of something so beautiful.

I know that discerning religious life is not easy. Sometimes there are many things that stand in our way, including ourselves. But, if it's any consolation, I believe we will be rewarded for our courageous efforts to serve God. If you enter a convent and discover it is not where you are meant to be, that doesn't mean you are a failure. I believe the desire to follow God's will in whatever capacity we feel is right will be fraught with many challenges. It is the way God purifies us of all our impure desires and makes us into saints. I can think of several canonized saints that went through struggles similar to yours. You are not alone.

I recommend that you discuss your feelings with your spiritual director and see if he/she can give you some constructive advice on how to lessen the pain you feel. Spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, whether daily or weekly. God will give you the strength you need. I will keep you in my prayers.

[In The Arms of The Lord]

Thank you both for sharing with me. Perhaps I should mention that I did discern with and enter a community, but it did not last. I could not function there; it was quite immediate that it was not the community for me. I am still discerning with this Order, i'll be visiting another monastery at the end of this month. Reverend Mother knows more about this and it will help more to meet with her and talk to her.

Sometimes I also wonder if perhaps within me I know it is not for me, and perhaps this could really be or if they are my many doubts, and maybe i'm fighting against it. I don't have any intention of being selfish or immature; but I find it so painful to think about giving myself to another. I do not want to close my heart to what He is asking of me; but i'm terrified that my heart could belong to someone else. I long much for the silence and sacrifice of the cloister. I find that it's in the silence and solitude that I meet Him, and the sacrifice to give myself to Him.

[In The Arms of The Lord]

[quote name='ksterling' timestamp='1281727823' post='2156585']
I have learned that religious life is difficult and requires sacrifice - and, frankly, I haven't made many sacrifices in my life. To me, there is also the great joy of giving your whole life to God and others and I am really seeing the true beauty of community as I talk to sisters in different orders. I feel very drawn to this life - both its rewards and its difficulties. I certainly didn't go looking for this. In fact, it took me quite a while to acknowledge what I was feeling. I have made up my mind that I am going to try and trust in God to led me on the right path. If I'm misreading the signals, so be it but I'll never know unless I try. I hope this makes sense to you.

Kat
[/quote]

You are very right about this, and i'm so happy for you trying. As you said, if the grace is there, if it's not we will know. He will not send us where His grace will not protect us. You and your family are in my prayers.

[In The Arms of The Lord]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1281730146' post='2156619']
This paragraph is very similar to what I'm experiencing in my present state. I recently came to the realization that I may not be able to enter religious life because of a chronic, life-long illness that I believe I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've contacted religious communities, expressing my desire to discern with them, but they will not allow me to because of my illness. It's very hard for me to swallow sometimes because I desire very much to serve God in religious life, but I cannot find one that is sympathetic enough to at least let me try. It causes me deep sorrow when I know I'll never be able to serve God in that way and be part of something so beautiful.

I know that discerning religious life is not easy. Sometimes there are many things that stand in our way, including ourselves. But, if it's any consolation, I believe we will be rewarded for our courageous efforts to serve God. If you enter a convent and discover it is not where you are meant to be, that doesn't mean you are a failure. I believe the desire to follow God's will in whatever capacity we feel is right will be fraught with many challenges. It is the way God purifies us of all our impure desires and makes us into saints. I can think of several canonized saints that went through struggles similar to yours. You are not alone.

I recommend that you discuss your feelings with your spiritual director and see if he/she can give you some constructive advice on how to lessen the pain you feel. Spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, whether daily or weekly. God will give you the strength you need. I will keep you in my prayers.
[/quote]

Thank you. I've read a lot of your posts before, and what you had posted in the prayer intentions. Please know i'm praying for you, and that Our Lord is holding you so close. I don't have a spiritual director, but with my experience at the other monastery and being able to talk to Reverend Mother at this other monastery soon, I know will be much help. Perhaps soon i'll be talking to one of my parish priests after my visit. Thank you for your prayers, if there is anything else I may do, please let me know.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='In The Arms of The Lord' timestamp='1281732277' post='2156646']
Thank you both for sharing with me. Perhaps I should mention that I did discern with and enter a community, but it did not last. I could not function there; it was quite immediate that it was not the community for me. I am still discerning with this Order, i'll be visiting another monastery at the end of this month. Reverend Mother knows more about this and it will help more to meet with her and talk to her.

Sometimes I also wonder if perhaps within me I know it is not for me, and perhaps this could really be or if they are my many doubts, and maybe i'm fighting against it. I don't have any intention of being selfish or immature; but [b]I find it so painful to think about giving myself to another[/b]. I do not want to close my heart to what He is asking of me; [b]but i'm terrified that my heart could belong to someone else[/b]. I long much for the silence and sacrifice of the cloister. I find that it's in the silence and solitude that I meet Him, and the sacrifice to give myself to Him.
[/quote]

**emphasis mine**

I really think it would be wise to discuss this with either a priest or the Reverend Mother. I don't think you should be terrified to give yourself to a husband. It's one of the most natural and beautiful things. Even those who discern have the desire to be a wife and mother, but to whom God gives the graces to for religious life--they achieve this on a supernatural level. If you really are terrified to be called to marriage, you need to find the reason why. Question yourself:

Is there something in my past or present that causes me fear or trepidation when I think of marriage (parent's bad divorce, etc.)??

If there is a reason, it would be wise to sort out those feelings before entering a convent. I do not mean to say that you do not have a vocation to religious life as it's obvious you greatly desire it, but you must make certain that this desire comes from Him and not a desire to run away from the world.

I believe it would help you to read:

[i]Theology of the Body for Beginners[/i] by Christopher West

[i]When God Asks For An Undivided Heart[/i] by Fr. Andrew Apostoli, CFR

Prayers.

[In The Arms of The Lord]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1281737062' post='2156685']
**emphasis mine**

I really think it would be wise to discuss this with either a priest or the Reverend Mother. I don't think you should be terrified to give yourself to a husband. It's one of the most natural and beautiful things. Even those who discern have the desire to be a wife and mother, but to whom God gives the graces to for religious life--they achieve this on a supernatural level. If you really are terrified to be called to marriage, you need to find the reason why. Question yourself:

Is there something in my past or present that causes me fear or trepidation when I think of marriage (parent's bad divorce, etc.)??

If there is a reason, it would be wise to sort out those feelings before entering a convent. I do not mean to say that you do not have a vocation to religious life as it's obvious you greatly desire it, but you must make certain that this desire comes from Him and not a desire to run away from the world.

I believe it would help you to read:

[i]Theology of the Body for Beginners[/i] by Christopher West

[i]When God Asks For An Undivided Heart[/i] by Fr. Andrew Apostoli, CFR

Prayers.
[/quote]

Thank you for the book recommendations; I checked on Amazon to learn more about them. I don't believe I came off right about how I said being terrified, perhaps then I didn't use the right word? It's not that i'm terrified to give myself to another because of marriage or children, terrified I then suppose would not be the correct word to use... when you love someone do you not desire only to be given to them and not anyone else? I had a conversion a few years ago that brought me to discern the religious life, and it was because of marriage and children that I was not certain that I could enter religious life because of this desire then, but when someone draws you nearer to let you know they love you and that you may know them to love them, well I suppose you could say how this came to be; not wanting to be given to anyone else then the one who you know loves you and has let you know them so that you may love them also in the same way. I do see that this consecration makes a spiritual marriage and motherhood to Jesus and His children. I will certainly explain this to Reverend Mother as you suggested, as I know that talking to her also will help my discernment. I am also thankful for your advice and prayers.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='In The Arms of The Lord' timestamp='1281738468' post='2156733']
Thank you for the book recommendations; I checked on Amazon to learn more about them. I don't believe I came off right about how I said being terrified, perhaps then I didn't use the right word? It's not that i'm terrified to give myself to another because of marriage or children, terrified I then suppose would not be the correct word to use... when you love someone do you not desire only to be given to them and not anyone else? I had a conversion a few years ago that brought me to discern the religious life, and it was because of marriage and children that I was not certain that I could enter religious life because of this desire then, but when someone draws you nearer to let you know they love you and that you may know them to love them, well I suppose you could say how this came to be; not wanting to be given to anyone else then the one who you know loves you and has let you know them so that you may love them also in the same way. I do see that this consecration makes a spiritual marriage and motherhood to Jesus and His children. I will certainly explain this to Reverend Mother as you suggested, as I know that talking to her also will help my discernment. I am also thankful for your advice and prayers.
[/quote]

I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you were trying to convey in your reply. I remember being questioned by a monastery superior once if I was doing this because I truly loved God and wanted to serve Him in religious life or if I was trying to run away from something. This question baffled me because it was outrageous to me at the time, but now I understand why. There are all sorts of reasons why people want to go into this beautiful vocation, but some of them are impure and for the wrong reasons. I also had a superior ask me if there was anything in my past such as abuse, neglect, etc. I find it sad that some girls want to run off to the monastery to escape from the abuse instead of seeking proper counseling.

I fully understand how you feel when you say you want to give yourself to Jesus and no one else. That is the way I feel, as well, but I had to make sure it was for the right reasons. I am thinking about maybe becoming a consecrated virgin later in life, but I feel I need to discern much more before making such a huge step.

Again, I apologize if I said anything that was incorrect. I pray that if God is calling you to religious life, that He will give you extraordinary graces in order to live it totally for Him and for the conversion and salvation of souls. May His blessings be upon you!

[holly.o]

The thing with feelings... is that they change. Thank God for that in many cases! I don't say this at all to demean what you wrote or are feeling, as I think (along w/ ksterling) that having these feelings is probably somewhat normal. We all experience different emotions regarding relationships, so although I can relate in some ways, what you are going through is unique to you - & only God knows for certain their source and resolution. But I have definitely gone through periods in my life when I felt things more intensely than others, so that's why I'm stressing that these things often change.

I would suggest not dwelling on the presence of any negative feeling. It's good that you recognize these things in yourself - sadly, there are many people who go through life somewhat oblivious to what takes place in their hearts and souls - but don't focus on them. Overanalyzing emotions will drive you crazy!

There are many positives contained in the anxieties and sorrow you wrote about (like longing for Jesus and recognizing your limitations). Doubts are normal. But remain faithful to Jesus' love. Some saints' quotes come to mind regarding your situation:



"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."

- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta


"Let nothing disturb thee;
Let nothing dismay thee:
All thing pass;
God never changes.
Patience attains
All that it strives for.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing:
God alone suffices."

- St. Teresa of Avila



Say to Jesus often, "I trust in You." Find some good spiritual direction. Pray, especially before the Blessed Sacrament. And remember that Jesus loves you with an infinitely gentle heart!

Prayers for you

Edited August 13, 2010 by holly.o

[In The Arms of The Lord]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1281740025' post='2156777']
I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you were trying to convey in your reply. I remember being questioned by a monastery superior once if I was doing this because I truly loved God and wanted to serve Him in religious life or if I was trying to run away from something. This question baffled me because it was outrageous to me at the time, but now I understand why. There are all sorts of reasons why people want to go into this beautiful vocation, but some of them are impure and for the wrong reasons. I also had a superior ask me if there was anything in my past such as abuse, neglect, etc. I find it sad that some girls want to run off to the monastery to escape from the abuse instead of seeking proper counseling.

I fully understand how you feel when you say you want to give yourself to Jesus and no one else. That is the way I feel, as well, but I had to make sure it was for the right reasons. I am thinking about maybe becoming a consecrated virgin later in life, but I feel I need to discern much more before making such a huge step.

Again, I apologize if I said anything that was incorrect. I pray that if God is calling you to religious life, that He will give you extraordinary graces in order to live it totally for Him and for the conversion and salvation of souls. May His blessings be upon you!
[/quote]

Thank you, and may His blessings and graces be with you also!

I have also done some research about Consecrated Virginity, it certainly is a beautiful consecration for those not entering the religious life. I pray that you find your place.

I am glad you had asked me that question about the reason for my intention on entering a community. I have been asked this a few times before as well; I remember the first time and I was surprised because I have never thought about my intentions concerning the religious life before. It's been very good to think and prayer about them, that I may know them truly.

[In The Arms of The Lord]

[quote name='holly.o' timestamp='1281741046' post='2156798']
The thing with feelings... is that they change. Thank God for that in many cases! I don't say this at all to demean what you wrote or are feeling, as I think (along w/ ksterling) that having these feelings is probably somewhat normal. We all experience different emotions regarding relationships, so although I can relate in some ways, what you are going through is unique to you - & only God knows for certain their source and resolution. But I have definitely gone through periods in my life when I felt things more intensely than others, so that's why I'm stressing that these things often change.

I would suggest not dwelling on the presence of any negative feeling. It's good that you recognize these things in yourself - sadly, there are many people who go through life somewhat oblivious to what takes place in their hearts and souls - but don't focus on them. Overanalyzing emotions will drive you crazy!

There are many positives contained in the anxieties and sorrow you wrote about (like longing for Jesus and recognizing your limitations). Doubts are normal. But remain faithful to Jesus' love. Some saints' quotes come to mind regarding your situation:



"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."

- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta


"Let nothing disturb thee;
Let nothing dismay thee:
All thing pass;
God never changes.
Patience attains
All that it strives for.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing:
God alone suffices."

- St. Teresa of Avila



Say to Jesus often, "I trust in You." Find some good spiritual direction. Pray, especially before the Blessed Sacrament. And remember that Jesus loves you with an infinitely gentle heart!

Prayers for you
[/quote]

Thank you Holly! Those sayings are beautiful. Overanalyzing emotions can add to the anxiety. I find also as you said about feelings, how quickly they do change, and with the other posts regarding intentions; that when we give them to Him to make pure and to ask to see what we truly intend by our choices... I suppose we could do this also with our feelings at times when we act on them. This helps much for discernment.

and my prayers for you also!

[TeresaBenedicta]

Crazy how all of those different feelings can be so intense and in many ways, so different, yet share a common thread...

Sometimes I like to look at these feelings and remove the "religious life" from the equation, substituting instead union with God. I've found that most of the feelings that come when discerning religious life as less about the vocation itself, but more deeply rooted in the relationship I have with God. Sometimes spending too much focus on discerning your vocation can keep you from really seeing what is going on in the interior life-- it serves as a distraction to keep you from recognizing what God is really doing in your soul.

Like others have said, I would suggest talking to a spiritual director about all of these feelings. He can help you sort them out and help you see what exactly God is working in you right now.

The intense longing to give ourselves completely to God and the burning love we have for Him are of themselves gifts from God. Fr. Dubay (in "Fire Within") categorizes both of these experiences as various types of contemplation. I think it's only natural, on a human level, to get scared when God is working our souls in such a way. Growing in love in any relationship has its moments of pure terror (ask any married couple, I think they'd tell you the same thing), I think growing in love in our relationship with God can be even more scary. The closer we come to Pure Love the more we realize how impure we are-- which can trigger these anxieties that you're expressing (this in particular is where I'm think it's best focus not on vocation but on your relationship with God-- the anxiety you've expressed about "not having the grace for religious life" may very well be a way of expressing this reaction to what God is working your soul).

It's difficult when experiencing these feelings... I'm right there with you, to be honest. But I think the key is to remain faithful. Don't start changing your prayer or discernment. When God wants you to go in a different direction, He does so by giving you peace about doing His will, not anxiety. Also, relate these things to a spiritual director or confessor or even with the Mother Superior that you're talking with. But, like I said before, I would recommend focusing less on the "religious life" aspect and more on your relationship with God.

Hope that helps some.