How Does A Woman Keep Her Head On Straight During Courtship

[tinytherese]

I've noticed that within the past year, that it can be hard to keep my standards high as far as what I want in a husband. I'm not talking as much about moral standards as I am personal ones. For example, I desire another Roman Catholic, but not someone who is into the Charismatic movement, because it just makes me uncomfortable and isn't compatible with my spirituality type. I'm an ex rad-trad and though I'm not as extreme as I once was, I do have my own at least somewhat more traditional preference. And as much as I respect Eastern Catholics, as far as my husband goes, I want him to belong to the same rite as me and I'm happy to be in the one I'm in now. I also feel that having us united in a rite would make raising our children easier, especially since I'll be a catechist working at a parish or for a diocese.

I know that unless you enter the religious life you'll have an imperfect husband, but sometimes knowing this can backfire. "Well, nobody is perfect so I'll just have to accept that he's this way." So she gives up what she really desires and doesn't always consider what is and isn't healthy for the relationship.

I've found that when considering courtship with a young man that there are one or multiple significant factors about him which I see as problems and think, "Maybe if I just get rid of this one (or more) requirement(s,) then we could work as a couple. I just have to be more flexible in order to select a spouse. He certainly has a lot of great qualities and you may not find anybody interested in you who is as good as him." I talk myself into thinking that it really isn't that big of a deal to have this factor and that as long as he has the basic qualities that I want, that he'll due. Yet I notice that these elements still eat at me and I know that I'm just not satisfied. Now I haven't actually begun courting anyone yet, but there have been potential young men that I've considered.

I realize that this isn't just an issue for women, but it just seems that we're the ones who have this tendency more than men do. Plenty of women make excuses about who they're seeing or think, "Maybe I can change him," but in the end this never happeneds.

Another personal problem I've noticed is that it can be easy to fall for a man just because he is nice to me (and for all i know he just acts that way with everybody and isn't interested,) or appears to be attracted to me. I ran into this problem with a guy friend when he said he found my spiritual life and experiences interesting. He also was really sympathetic to me and comforted me when I opened up to him about problems in my life. Perhaps it was just because I wasn't used to being treated well by a man and hadn't had much experience when it came to having a guy friend. So now I'm concerned that I may just to easily become attracted and become more vulnerable.

[jeffpugh]

Yeah. It's hard. I suppose one big problem with both men and women is that those with certain standards find that there are next-to-none that stand up to them! Never fear! There is SOMEONE with the same out there! (I have certain preferences similar to yours) The hard part is patience. God will set up the right place and the right time. Feelings are there, and they're important, but it's not a sin to feel attracted. It's all the action. Just keep persevering!




St. Joseph will hook you up, btw, if you ask

[missionseeker]

opposite sec relations are confusing, especially after you've been through some rough stuff and put up walls and made assumptions about ALL the opposite sex. I don't really know how to tell you to "keep your head straight" but I can tell you that standards are great to have. I think the best thing for me was to find males that I could be friends with - great friends with- and come to learn that there are males (to whom you are not necessarily attracted) who meet your standards. I have about four who would technically meet my standards but who I would never date (especially since two are entering orders and one is maybe going to. ) That said, my mother and my sister would have sure passed up some great guys who are now their husbands if they hadn't dated someone who didn't quite agree with them on matters of worship. SO I can't really tell you "yeah, only date Catholics who go to this rite who worship in this manner exclusively"

[Socrates]

I can't answer all your questions for you, but I think you need to distinguish between "high personal standards" and just plain pickiness.
Unfortunately, many women confuse the former with the latter, to their own detriment, and end up lonely and miserable because no men live up to their unrealistically high "standards."
One should keep high standards for finding a spouse, particularly with regards to morality and practicing the Faith. However, beyond that, a lot of it's subjective, and comes down to personal preferences, which definitely can, and likely will, be compromised. No man out there's going to be perfect and flawless, nor agree with you on every single thing. That's reality.
You may want to ask, would you want men to be equally strict in their standards when considering you for a wife?

(Note, I'm not accusing you of anything here, since I honestly don't you and what exactly your standards are. I'm just providing you with some things to think about.)

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Socrates' date='22 July 2010 - 02:53 PM' timestamp='1279835603' post='2146424']
I can't answer all your questions for you, but I think you need to distinguish between "high personal standards" and just plain pickiness.
Unfortunately, many women confuse the former with the latter, to their own detriment, and end up lonely and miserable because no men live up to their unrealistically high "standards."
One should keep high standards for finding a spouse, particularly with regards to morality and practicing the Faith. However, beyond that, a lot of it's subjective, and comes down to personal preferences, which definitely can, and likely will, be compromised. No man out there's going to be perfect and flawless, nor agree with you on every single thing. That's reality.
You may want to ask, would you want men to be equally strict in their standards when considering you for a wife?

(Note, I'm not accusing you of anything here, since I honestly don't you and what exactly your standards are. I'm just providing you with some things to think about.)
[/quote]
put it more succinctly than i would have.

[BG45]

[quote name='Sacred Music Man' date='22 July 2010 - 05:17 PM' timestamp='1279833476' post='2146414']
Yeah. It's hard. I suppose one big problem with both men and women is that those with certain standards find that there are next-to-none that stand up to them! Never fear! There is SOMEONE with the same out thereThe hard part is patience. God will set up the right place and the right time. Feelings are there, and they're important, but it's not a sin to feel attracted. It's all the action. Just keep persevering!
[/quote]

This. And I needed to hear it too, because I find it easy to despair that I'll never meet someone again who meets my standards and shares a mutual attraction with me.

[MissScripture]

My advice is to pray. A LOT. Pick a Saint to help you find your spouse (I asked St. Anthony, since he likes to find things. ). Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you when talking to someone you are attracted to, or you think may be attracted to you.

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='MissScripture' date='22 July 2010 - 05:53 PM' timestamp='1279839185' post='2146454']
My advice is to pray. A LOT. Pick a Saint to help you find your spouse (I asked St. Anthony, since he likes to find things. ). Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you when talking to someone you are attracted to, or you think may be attracted to you.
[/quote]

well done.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='fides quarens intellectum' date='22 July 2010 - 06:59 PM' timestamp='1279839581' post='2146461']
well done.
[/quote]
Thank you.

Edited July 22, 2010 by MissScripture

[CatherineM]

My dad only gave me two pieces of advice about relationships. First, don't date someone you wouldn't or couldn't marry. Second, don't marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can't live without.

As far as physical attraction, my husband and I are far from anything that most people would call attractive. We are very attractive to each other, and that seems to increase as time goes by. Just don't look past someone who might turn out to be the love of your life.

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='Socrates' date='22 July 2010 - 06:53 PM' timestamp='1279835603' post='2146424']
I can't answer all your questions for you, but I think you need to distinguish between "high personal standards" and just plain pickiness.
Unfortunately, many women confuse the former with the latter, to their own detriment, and end up lonely and miserable because no men live up to their unrealistically high "standards."
One should keep high standards for finding a spouse, particularly with regards to morality and practicing the Faith. However, beyond that, a lot of it's subjective, and comes down to personal preferences, which definitely can, and likely will, be compromised. No man out there's going to be perfect and flawless, nor agree with you on every single thing. That's reality.
You may want to ask, would you want men to be equally strict in their standards when considering you for a wife?

(Note, I'm not accusing you of anything here, since I honestly don't you and what exactly your standards are. I'm just providing you with some things to think about.)
[/quote]

Yes, exactly what Socrates said because people are more than the sum of their virtues or vices. You may find some of the things you are picky about won't matter when you fall in love with a person, not a check list. As others have said - you marry your best friend, your beloved, the person you cannot live without. Many of the married couples I know, whose marriages model what it is to have a holy marriage, are opposites on so much. My beloved and I are social opposites - she is a social butterfly, I am an introvert. She loves music, I love theology, so on. Benevolance though loves all of the qualities of a person, especially those we don't personally take interest in, but do so anyway out of love for other other.

[Azriel]

Everyone has said some really great things. I only have one thing to add. To a certain extent, your heart should be involved. Its a gift to have all the fluttery, happy, romantic feelings. Romantic love is a gift from God too. Its true we can't become so wrapped up in it that we don't think. But, I wouldn't trade those wonder days (so many years ago now) for anything.

As far as standards, well, I shouldn't have married my husband. He is not Catholic. He is a extrovert, I'm an introvert. He loves competing, I dread it. All the things I thought I wanted/needed fell by the wayside. And, I did pray. Boy did I pray. And my answer was clear, despite everything God brought us together. Do I think you should put all your standards aside? Absolutely not. I don't advocate abandoning all reason, but sometimes, you really don't know where your heart, and God will lead you. The women in my family, in particular, are really good at conversions.

22 years, 16 marrried, and one beautiful little girl later, I think I made the right decision. And you will too.

[Sojourner]

Lots of great advice here.

From my own experience, I would add the following thoughts:
1) Be clear about intentions from the start. What Catherine said about not dating someone you wouldn't consider marrying is, imo, completely on track. In my opinion, many people date before they are really ready to think about getting married. I'm not saying you have to have your vocation completely figured out before you start dating, but it helps to be as sure as you can be that you're called to marriage and that you are looking to fulfill that call.

2) Guard your heart. Emotions are a wonderful part of romantic love, it's true, but they can also get in the way of making good decisions. If you get emotionally involved with a guy too early, you can find yourself making compromises that you later regret.

3) Ask for guidance and wisdom from people you trust, both saints and priest/parents/friends. If you find that you're unwilling to have honest conversations with those people about the state of your relationship, that could be a sign that things are not as they should be.

ETA: For my husband and I, we had both narrowed down things that were "dealbreakers," and we had that conversation early on, before emotions were involved. Things like common faith, shared views on child-rearing, and so on, were on our lists (which were very similar). I'd encourage you to give some thought to the things that are, like Socrates said, "high personal standards" for you. Maybe talk to married friends you trust and ask their advice.

Edited July 23, 2010 by Terra Firma

[Slappo]

[quote name='Azriel' date='22 July 2010 - 05:28 PM' timestamp='1279844895' post='2146488']
[b]22 years, 16 marrried,[/b] and one beautiful little girl later, I think I made the right decision. And you will too.
[/quote]


The bolded makes it sound like you are now 22 years old... and you've been married for 16 of the 22.

[Luigi]

[quote name='Slappo' date='23 July 2010 - 01:15 AM' timestamp='1279862100' post='2146624']
The bolded makes it sound like you are now 22 years old... and you've been married for 16 of the 22.



[/quote]

It could happen!!!