I Guess Maybe I Should Start Discerning Again...

[lookingforfaith]

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Ummm okay...so yeah....lol I'm a little nervous here.

Some background...I felt God's call in my heart a few years ago...I ignored it for awhile, but then I began to discern halfheartedly. I looked at a few communities and visited a couple for the day but that's about it. My parents didn't react well. They thought I was too young (I was eighteen at the time, and I'm twenty one now) and they wanted me to get married and have children. But as soon as things got "real" like "This is a real possibility" I panicked. I ran for the hills. I got trapped in all the lies that the world tells you to seperate you from God. I stopped going to Church, stopped praying, stopped doing anything in my faith for a year. I'm so ashamed of what I did, but I honestly can't change the past. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again.

Awhile back, I came home to the Church and haven't looked back. But pretty recently, I have heard God's whisper again in my heart. I've been trying to ignore it, but I simply can't anymore! The more I pray, attend Mass, read the bible, recieve the Eucharist...the louder and louder the whisper is...gentle, but persistant. It's like God is a man trying to court me. And I've been going "No. No. NO. NOOO! Maybe."

I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with the Lord, and honestly it scares me so much. I'm scared of telling my parents again. I'm scared of telling my friends. But mostly...I'm scared of taking the plunge. Of stepping off my boat and walking on water to Jesus. Peter saw his surroundings and panicked. I feel myself doing the same thing. I look at my surroundings, I look at myself. Imperfect, weak, vulnerable...and panic. God couldn't possibly want [i]me[/i] to be His bride..could He?

I was hoping that maybe you guys could possibly pray for me? Or a hug would be nice....or some advice if you have any? Thank you so much for reading...

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[laetitia crucis]

Hugs and prayers headed your way!



Place your trust -- your [i]total[/i] trust -- in Jesus and Mary and they will never lead you astray. Entrust your vocation to our Blessed Mother. She will take care of the rest.

Is there a priest you can speak to? Or perhaps any religious in the area? That way at least you'd have some kind of tangible outlet, you know? I think for many of us, a trusted spiritual director has been a vocational life saver. If you don't have one yet, ask Our Lady. She'll always help you out!

You have my prayers!

[TeresaBenedicta]

Aw, hun, you definitely have my prayers!!

It's a scary thing, being drawn into such an intimate relationship with God. Heaven knows how often I've considered doing exactly what you've described here-- running away. Away from Him, away from the Church, away from everything. Take courage, though. Even St. Peter ran away. But he came back and Jesus entrusted him with even greater responsibilities.

"Perfect love casts out all fear." Let yourself be drawn into that perfect love. Let Him purify you. Let Him capture your heart. Let Him burn away all fear so that the only thing left is Love.

[Sarah147]

[quote name='lookingforfaith' date='15 July 2010 - 07:12 PM' timestamp='1279231967' post='2143134']
[size="2"]But pretty recently, I have heard God's whisper again in my heart. I've been trying to ignore it, but I simply can't anymore! The more I pray, attend Mass, read the bible, recieve the Eucharist...the louder and louder the whisper is...gentle, but persistant. It's like God is a man trying to court me. And I've been going "No. No. NO. NOOO! Maybe."

I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with the Lord,[/size]
[/quote]

That is so beautiful. I loved reading the way you described what is happening to you. God is so good.

Hugs and Hugs to you! [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/lol_grin.gif[/img] I will pray for you, too.

Well praise God you returned to the Church! That's fantastic.

A BIG clue is in what you said: "But pretty recently, I have heard God's..." This is so recent and new. I don't know how long you've been in return to the Church. It usually seems to take people a while to find where God is calling them, the spirituality, the order, apostolate, community. I think this process will take a while, so I wouldn't worry or be fearful. God will give the grace to enter. When the time is right, the time is right. I remember hearing from someone that God doesn't force people to do things they don't want to do or against their will, rather He puts the desire in their heart first. I read in a book "What Does God Want?" that there should be peace, love and joy in the right choice, such as with vocations. God can work on your problems and prepare you for this life, until you are ecstatic about entering. Just read the sister stories on religious websites out there. It is amazing what God can do for people if they let Him.

You mention about Peter. But remember, God was patient and loving with Him. God knew his weakness but in his weakness God wanted Him and knew He could do a lot in him.

In this time, just really focus on growing closer and closer to Jesus in your personal relationship. Tell Him your fears and struggles. Ask Him to help you and work them out. Tell Him what bothers you and what you need help with. Ask for Him to send help in whatever forms He wills.

Congratulations on this grace you've been given and God bless you!

[lookingforfaith]

Thank you guys for the very quick replies!! And the prayers and hugs and advice. I REALLY appreciate it.

[vee]

Gods love and mercy is amazing isnt it!

Yes He wants to be close to each of us individually, so close so intimate it is scary in a way.  Dont be afraid though, start saying yes.  Yes out of your love for Jesus.  Yes I trust you Jesus.  Yes thy will be done.  He will take your hand, as He has already been doing and continue to guide you.  We are like little children though who can run off boldly then something happens and we are afraid and run back to the arms of our mother or father.  We never have to be afraid to run back to Jesus and Mary and hide in their arms or under Marys mantle.  I was afraid of this possible call and was looking for a place to hide it was then I heard of what Our Lady of Guadalupe said to Juan Diego which went something like this " dont be afraid, I am holding you in my arms I am covering you with my mantle."  There are paintings too which show just how many people she can accommodate under that mantle!  I find the thought very comforting as I hope you might too. 

 Edited to add pic
[img]http://www.op.org.au/voc/Marys_Mantle.jpg[/img] Edited July 16, 2010 by vee8

[Sarah147]

"Imperfect, weak, vulnerable...and panic. God couldn't possibly want [i]me[/i] to be His bride..could He?"


You brought something to my mind. It was something Father Groeschel said in the EWTN program "Completely Christ's" on discerning the religious life. [url="http://www.ewtnreligiouscatalogue.com/COMPLETELY+CHRIST+S+-+A+DAY+W+M+TERESA-+DVD/cid=266/page_no=1/edp_no=8764/shop.axd/ProductDetails"]http://www.ewtnrelig.../ProductDetails

[/url]Here is what Father Groeschel said, word for word:

You know, one time I was driving Mother Teresa and she was kind of annoyed at me. And getting somebody like Mother Teresa annoyed at you is not a lot of fun. And she was a perfect lady, perfect, and she was giving me the needle but ever so sweetly, dipped in Holy Water. And she asked me to do something but I had done it the wrong way but I didn't know which way she wanted it done. But nevertheless, there were two little sisters in the backseat and we got to the convent a quarter to 12 at night, a hot summer night. And I said to Mother Teresa, "Mother, I'm going to ask Cardinal Cook if he'll appoint another priest to be the leayzon between the Archdiocese and the Missionaries of Charity. I'm not angry but this is just beyond me." And she said, [in a serious tone] "sit down." I knew Mother Teresa half my life. When she died, I was 64 and I had known her 32 years. When Mother Teresa told you to sit down, you sat down. And she said to me, it was late at night, she says, [b]"why do you think God chose you to be a priest?"[/b] I said, "Mother, it's a quarter to twelve. You know-I don't know." [Mother said] [b]"Why did He choose you?"[/b] [Father said] "Maybe He has a sense of humor. I-I-I don't know." She looked me dead in the eye and she said "God chose you because He is very humble. He uses the poorest, the weakest, the most inadequate instruments. And I pray that when I die, the most unattractive and ungifted of the sisters will take my place." That didn't happen, but... And she said "then everybody will know that this is not my work, but God's work." And as I got up and said good-bye and thank you, because it was a great talk, she said "don't forget it. You are chosen by the humility of God." And to be quite honest, I can't think of anything else she could possibly have said that would have given me peace. But I went home on top of the world, because I could accept that, that I could live with. "We are chosen by the humility of God." Uh, and, I think if someone is considering a vocation, let them think about that.

[kljoyce]

[quote name='lookingforfaith' date='15 July 2010 - 06:12 PM' timestamp='1279231967' post='2143134']
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I was hoping that maybe you guys could possibly pray for me? Or a hug would be nice....or some advice if you have any? Thank you so much for reading...

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[/quote]

One hug and prayer from me =)))! I wish you the best. I would follow your heart, but make sure to take years of dedicated contemplation before making a choice.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='lookingforfaith' date='15 July 2010 - 05:12 PM' timestamp='1279231967' post='2143134']
[size="2"]　

Ummm okay...so yeah....lol I'm a little nervous here.

Some background...I felt God's call in my heart a few years ago...I ignored it for awhile, but then I began to discern halfheartedly. I looked at a few communities and visited a couple for the day but that's about it. My parents didn't react well. They thought I was too young (I was eighteen at the time, and I'm twenty one now) and they wanted me to get married and have children. But as soon as things got "real" like "This is a real possibility" I panicked. I ran for the hills. I got trapped in all the lies that the world tells you to seperate you from God. I stopped going to Church, stopped praying, stopped doing anything in my faith for a year. I'm so ashamed of what I did, but I honestly can't change the past. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again.

Awhile back, I came home to the Church and haven't looked back. But pretty recently, I have heard God's whisper again in my heart. I've been trying to ignore it, but I simply can't anymore! The more I pray, attend Mass, read the bible, recieve the Eucharist...the louder and louder the whisper is...gentle, but persistant. It's like God is a man trying to court me. And I've been going "No. No. NO. NOOO! Maybe."

I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with the Lord, and honestly it scares me so much. I'm scared of telling my parents again. I'm scared of telling my friends. But mostly...I'm scared of taking the plunge. Of stepping off my boat and walking on water to Jesus. Peter saw his surroundings and panicked. I feel myself doing the same thing. I look at my surroundings, I look at myself. Imperfect, weak, vulnerable...and panic. God couldn't possibly want [i]me[/i] to be His bride..could He?

I was hoping that maybe you guys could possibly pray for me? Or a hug would be nice....or some advice if you have any? Thank you so much for reading...

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Of course I'll pray for you.

But, I think I learned something the other day about having a vocation or not--so many women on VS wonder if God is calling them. I think that one of the things I learned about myself when I watched the video of the Nashville Dominicans, was that, while I enjoyed the video very much, and learned a lot, while others on VS were left in tears, and with the feeling they wanted the religious life, for me--nothing. I generally cry so easily it's embarrassing. But, when I watched the ND video, the only time I started to tear up slightly was when Sister Amata started crying when she was taking her final vows.

For me, crying is a "litmus test"--I am so obvious! When I care deeply about something I cry when I think or talk about it. So, the fact I didn't cry is an important sign.

I know this is sort of backwards logic, but, all I can tell you is that if God is NOT calling you to a religious vocation, it's pretty clear. I know that God is calling me to something, and I find some things about living the religious life very appealing, but my reaction to the ND video, despite the fact that this seems like a beautiful community, was to confirm for me that I am not called to religious life. (And, if I was, it would be a smaller community, with a less active apostolate.)

I totally support, and in some ways envy, women with a religious vocation, and I'm fascinated by religious life. But a vocation--no. After watching the ND video, I felt like a jerk--how could someone not be moved to tears by that video?

I'm pretty sure I know--I'll talk about it later so I don't hijack this thread. It's not anything bad, just that I am a different kind of person.

Edited July 16, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[Sr Marianne]

[quote name='lookingforfaith' date='16 July 2010 - 12:12 AM' timestamp='1279231967' post='2143134']
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Ummm okay...so yeah....lol I'm a little nervous here.

Some background...I felt God's call in my heart a few years ago...I ignored it for awhile, but then I began to discern halfheartedly. I looked at a few communities and visited a couple for the day but that's about it. My parents didn't react well. They thought I was too young (I was eighteen at the time, and I'm twenty one now) and they wanted me to get married and have children. But as soon as things got "real" like "This is a real possibility" I panicked. I ran for the hills. I got trapped in all the lies that the world tells you to seperate you from God. I stopped going to Church, stopped praying, stopped doing anything in my faith for a year. I'm so ashamed of what I did, but I honestly can't change the past. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again.

Awhile back, I came home to the Church and haven't looked back. But pretty recently, I have heard God's whisper again in my heart. I've been trying to ignore it, but I simply can't anymore! The more I pray, attend Mass, read the bible, recieve the Eucharist...the louder and louder the whisper is...gentle, but persistant. It's like God is a man trying to court me. And I've been going "No. No. NO. NOOO! Maybe."

I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with the Lord, and honestly it scares me so much. I'm scared of telling my parents again. I'm scared of telling my friends. But mostly...I'm scared of taking the plunge. Of stepping off my boat and walking on water to Jesus. Peter saw his surroundings and panicked. I feel myself doing the same thing. I look at my surroundings, I look at myself. Imperfect, weak, vulnerable...and panic. God couldn't possibly want [i]me[/i] to be His bride..could He?

I was hoping that maybe you guys could possibly pray for me? Or a hug would be nice....or some advice if you have any? Thank you so much for reading...

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[Sr Marianne]

Well, maybe God does want [i][/i]you[i][/i] to be His bride. His ways are most certainly mysterious and wonderful. I have been a Sister for coming up to 20 years (I entered when I was 19) and I am still not quite sure how it happened! God will lead you if you only take a step. Visit some Sisters and just take it from there. Find someone experienced to talk with. Possibly a Sister in vocation work rather than a secular priest. A Sister will help you, even if you are not called to her order. In prayer, Sr Marianne

[elizabeth09]

Prayers for sure.




Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

[frassati]

Welcome back to the wonderful, crazy, and scary world of discernment It sounds like God is doing some seriously beautiful things in your life, and I'd encourage you to just stay close to Him and keep moving forward. A part of your post that I could really relate to was being afraid to tell parents and friends. It's gotten easier the deeper I've gone in my own discernment, but it's always been a struggle for me and I think that it will be for a while. I put off telling my parents for as long as I could (but trying to plan Come-and-See weekends all over the country while living at home isn't exactly compatible for being all that secretive.) I've always been a little ashamed of this, but the reason I was so hesitant to tell them was because even the thought of a religious vocation was so far beyond the realm of what my family even considered a slight possibility for my future. What I was so scared of was a mix of really owning up to fact that I was seriously discerning this plus I didn't want to rock the boat or set off alarms within family unless it was a "sure thing" - hah!

I hope that's not too off topic from your original post - it's just what your story made me think of in terms of my own journey. So rest assured, you're definitely not alone in struggling with telling others...I was so nervous and freaked out with my first friend that I told that my demeanor made her think I was going to tell her I had a terminal illness or something. Seriously, when I finally managed to choke out that I was thinking about maybe becoming a sister, her reaction was something along the lines of "That's it?! I thought you were going to say you had cancer or something - never scare me like that again!"....Anyway, lots of prayers coming your way

[lookingforfaith]

Well I mentioned it to my mom a few years ago, she was the opposite of supportive. So I'm scared to bring it up again. But thank you SO much for all the wonderful prayers and advice and hugs...I appreciate them all SO much....*HUGS TO ALL!*

[Sarah147]

It's your life, a life you've got to live with, and if this is your calling, you will find fullfillment and happiness. Maybe focusing on this can help when others aren't so supportive.