Why Parents Hate Parenting.

[homeschoolmom]

I think parenting is "enjoyable" in the same way breathing or eating are enjoyable. Are there times when it feels so wonderful to be out in the fresh air taking a deep breath of wonderful morning air? Yes. Are there times when I'm walking through a cigarette infested area and it's all I can do to hold my breath until I get to a spot I can breathe in? Of course. Are there times when a lovely meal is placed before me (cooked by someone else) and I enjoy savoring it and afterwards enjoy the satisfied feeling of having had a good, nutritious meal? Yes. Are there times I slap some peanut butter on the last slice of bread (the crust ) and gobble it down because I need something to eat? Yes.

Are there times when I spend an afternoon playing Disney Trivial Pursuit with all of my kids, who are playing nicely and being considerate... helping one another and laughing? Yes! And I love those days. Are there days when I have had it with bickering and have to redirect and get them to do chores that have been given to them? Yes, and I don't like those days.

It's a package deal.

[Sojourner]

One thing I've noticed recently among people we've met since having kids is this idea of perfection in the number and gender of kids. Like, our neighbors have three kids; two are twins, and they felt compelled to make it clear they would have only had two if the twins hadn't happened. And one of my husband's doctor's wife is pregnant with twins. They have a 22 month old boy, and the twins are girls. He said, "Yeah, we will have an extra girl." Neither of us said anything in response to the comment, but we talked about it later. He might have been joking, but it was a really odd thing to say even in that context.

I think many people who are young professionals having kids are used to being able to control most aspects of their lives, and with people getting married later it seems like many people have this "plan" about their kids coming into parenthood. I read about women who have birth plans several pages long ... and that's just one day of a kid's life (or maybe two, if things don't go according to plan ...). There's a sort of security in being able to plan and to achieve "perfection" with your kids, and I think that many things lead us to think we play a bigger role in that than we actually do. Then when a child comes along, and things don't go according to plan, it's frustrating and causes unhappiness. I've only been a mom a short while, and I've already learned just how flexible you need to be. Some people just aren't prepared to deal with that, I think.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Terra Firma' date='15 July 2010 - 11:45 AM' timestamp='1279208733' post='2142980']
One thing I've noticed recently among people we've met since having kids is this idea of perfection in the number and gender of kids. Like, our neighbors have three kids; two are twins, and they felt compelled to make it clear they would have only had two if the twins hadn't happened. And one of my husband's doctor's wife is pregnant with twins. They have a 22 month old boy, and the twins are girls. He said, "Yeah, we will have an extra girl." Neither of us said anything in response to the comment, but we talked about it later. He might have been joking, but it was a really odd thing to say even in that context.

I think many people who are young professionals having kids are used to being able to control most aspects of their lives, and with people getting married later it seems like many people have this "plan" about their kids coming into parenthood. I read about women who have birth plans several pages long ... and that's just one day of a kid's life (or maybe two, if things don't go according to plan ...). There's a sort of security in being able to plan and to achieve "perfection" with your kids, and I think that many things lead us to think we play a bigger role in that than we actually do. Then when a child comes along, and things don't go according to plan, it's frustrating and causes unhappiness. I've only been a mom a short while, and I've already learned just how flexible you need to be. Some people just aren't prepared to deal with that, I think.
[/quote]
Yes. I wonder if people realize how hurtful is it to their child to hear that they were the "extra" (ie unneeded, unwanted) one or that both twins were not quite what the parents had in mind...

And parents who have prefection in mind for their children will be sadly disappointed.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='15 July 2010 - 04:51 PM' timestamp='1279209070' post='2142981']
Yes. I wonder if people realize how hurtful is it to their child to hear that they were the "extra" (ie unneeded, unwanted) one or that both twins were not quite what the parents had in mind...

And parents who have prefection in mind for their children will be sadly disappointed.
[/quote]
I know. I'm very quick to tell people we're not "done" just because we have a boy & a girl now. Though my latest dilemma has been how to react when someone tells me son that he should be good like his sister. Sorry, doesn't fly with me to compare my kids in that way. Especially when my son wasn't being bad, and my daughter is only 3.5 months old and can't really run off or talk or anything like that.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='15 July 2010 - 12:10 PM' timestamp='1279210252' post='2142984']
I know. I'm very quick to tell people we're not "done" just because we have a boy & a girl now. Though my latest dilemma has been how to react when someone tells me son that he should be good like his sister. Sorry, doesn't fly with me to compare my kids in that way. Especially when my son wasn't being bad, and my daughter is only 3.5 months old and can't really run off or talk or anything like that.
[/quote]
Get used to it. People say all kinds of dumb things... It's funny, we would never say to an adult person, "Why can't you be more outgoing (funny, friendly, studious etc) like your husband!?" That would be considered bizarre to compare two adults that way. Yet we do it to children all the time. Do adults think it's inspiring to make such bold comments?

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='15 July 2010 - 05:18 PM' timestamp='1279210708' post='2142986']
Get used to it. People say all kinds of dumb things... It's funny, we would never say to an adult person, "Why can't you be more outgoing (funny, friendly, studious etc) like your husband!?" That would be considered bizarre to compare two adults that way. Yet we do it to children all the time. Do adults think it's inspiring to make such bold comments?
[/quote]
I figured it was something I might have to get used to. Ah, well, c'est la vie.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='15 July 2010 - 12:10 PM' timestamp='1279210252' post='2142984']
I know. I'm very quick to tell people we're not "done" just because we have a boy & a girl now. Though my latest dilemma has been how to react when someone tells me son that he should be good like his sister. Sorry, doesn't fly with me to compare my kids in that way. Especially when my son wasn't being bad, and my daughter is only 3.5 months old and can't really run off or talk or anything like that.
[/quote]
I remember my grandma telling me how she once flipped out at a teacher at a parent-teacher conference, because the teacher kept comparing how poor my uncle's behavior was to how nicely my mother behaved.

Depending on the person, I might tell them off if they said something like that to my child (if I had any). But I'm not always a nice person...and I suppose that might be a bad example for your son...

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='MissScripture' date='16 July 2010 - 01:01 AM' timestamp='1279238471' post='2143191']
I remember my grandma telling me how she once flipped out at a teacher at a parent-teacher conference, because the teacher kept comparing how poor my uncle's behavior was to how nicely my mother behaved.

Depending on the person, I might tell them off if they said something like that to my child (if I had any). But I'm not always a nice person...and I suppose that might be a bad example for your son...
[/quote]
The latest example I'm thinking of happened right after Mass - don't think going off on an older gentleman would be a good idea anyway, but especially not right after Mass. I think I need to reread that thing on bearing wrongs patiently.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='16 July 2010 - 02:03 AM' timestamp='1279260224' post='2143333']
The latest example I'm thinking of happened right after Mass - don't think going off on an older gentleman would be a good idea anyway, but especially not right after Mass. I think I need to reread that thing on bearing wrongs patiently.
[/quote]
Like I said, I'm not always a nice person. I should probably re-read that thread, too...about 20-30 more times.

I just get highly irritated when people are annoyed with kids for acting like kids! Now, of course there are times when kids mis-behave, but kids were not made to sit quietly and stare at the wall! ...yeah...I should learn how to bear wrongs patiently...

[cmotherofpirl]

My granddaughter is currently acting like a kid of the terrible two variety. " She who screams" is now "she who bites, pinches and kicks"
needless to say she spends lots of time in timeout.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='MissScripture' date='16 July 2010 - 02:53 PM' timestamp='1279288432' post='2143396']
Like I said, I'm not always a nice person. I should probably re-read that thread, too...about 20-30 more times.

I just get highly irritated when people are annoyed with kids for acting like kids! Now, of course there are times when kids mis-behave, but kids were not made to sit quietly and stare at the wall! ...yeah...I should learn how to bear wrongs patiently...
[/quote]
Yeah, I'm with you 100%.

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Parenting the toughest job you ll ever love