Follow-Up Questions About Catholics & Divorce

[holly.o]

In the previous topic, it was said by CatherineM:

[quote]If you are asking under what conditions the Church might grant an Annulment, there are many. Obvious ones are listed in Canon Law such as non-consummation of the marriage. In my experience working in the Tribunal, most annulments were granted due to the immaturity of the couple. They didn't understand the true permanence of a sacramental marriage, and therefore were incapable of creating a true marital bond.

In Canon Law, canon #1095 The following are incapable of contracting marriage:

1° those who lack sufficient use of reason;

2° those who suffer from a grave lack of discretionary judgment concerning the essential matrimonial rights and obligations to be mutually given and accepted;

3° those who, because of causes of a psychological nature, are unable to assume the essential obligations of marriage.

Sometimes it isn't apparent before a wedding that either or both parties don't have the capacity to form a truly valid sacramental bond. What matters is the actual day they took their vows. If someone later develops psychological issues, becomes abusive, starts abusing drugs or alcohol, it doesn't negate their marriage if a true bond occurred. Once a marriage "takes" there is nothing that can terminate the marriage except death. That doesn't mean that you have to stay with someone who for example becomes a mean drunk. You can divorce them, but you will then have to remain celibate and can not remarry in the church until you spouse passes away. [/quote]


It seems to me that a lot of marriages probably stay together regardless of the immaturity of the couple at the time of marriage. These people may not apply for an annulment, but it seems like if they ever did, it would be granted based on their lack of sufficient use of reason on "the actual day they took their vows." Does this mean that some people think they've been given the Sacrament of Marriage but truly they haven't? What do you do if you think your marriage, as CatherineM put it, didn't "take"? Are there cases of people trying to discern this?

Sorry if these questions are strange, but I'm just curious. Thanks & God bless!

[CatherineM]

[quote name='holly.o' date='09 July 2010 - 08:15 PM' timestamp='1278724513' post='2140255']
In the previous topic, it was said by CatherineM:




It seems to me that a lot of marriages probably stay together regardless of the immaturity of the couple at the time of marriage. These people may not apply for an annulment, but it seems like if they ever did, it would be granted based on their lack of sufficient use of reason on "the actual day they took their vows." Does this mean that some people think they've been given the Sacrament of Marriage but truly they haven't? What do you do if you think your marriage, as CatherineM put it, didn't "take"? Are there cases of people trying to discern this?

Sorry if these questions are strange, but I'm just curious. Thanks & God bless!
[/quote]
Marriages are deemed to be valid, until and unless they are held to be otherwise.

Lots of people are immature in different ways when they marry. Some because they were raised in that time where kids were told daily that they could do no wrong and never had a true consequence for their actions until they left home. Some because of poor, inadequate or zero catechesis. If I found myself in such a marriage, I would take advantage of the diocesan pre-marriage programs. You can do that even after marriage. If your diocese doesn't have a decent program, there are some really good ones online. There are marriage encounter weekends. There are marriage counseling programs. I especially recommend the Retrouvaille program.

The most important thing is to go into marriage with both parties agreeing that divorce is not an option. If you think about all the ways that the marriage could be annulled, or isn't valid, you are setting yourself up for failure. The only time someone should think about grounds for annulment is after all attempts to save the marriage have been tried, and well after a separation and/or civil divorce has been obtained. It has been my experience that people are much less likely to divorce, if they go through counseling. Most of the time, divorce is taken as a quick option out of having to deal with all the "icky" stuff that being in a real relationship can sometimes entail. Those who take the quick way out are almost immature by definition.

Now, I did a bunch of divorces, including 5 for a secretary and her adult kids. I do believe that should be available civilly for those in broken marriages. I am married to a man who has had an annulment. He felt like a failure that his first wife decided to divorce him. He did everything he could to prevent it, but it takes two to make a marriage. The fact that she lied to their priest, and to him, before the wedding were the grounds for his annulment. He has said many times that this marriage feels so much different than his first one. I have seen people come in for a divorce, and then after counseling, be transformed. A lot of the time it was because they were doing something like contracepting, and once they started following the Church's teaching, you could just feel the change in them. They had truly formed a bond, so I don't think most troubled marriages are hopeless. There are exceptions, where there is physical or sexual abuse, chemical dependence, or no desire for monogamy.

And yes, I think marriages can even survive infidelity. I told my husband that if I ever caught him, he wouldn't have to worry about me killing him. I would never let him off that easy.