Reality Check For Religious

[OnlySunshine]

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Edited June 15, 2010 by MaterMisericordiae

[Nihil Obstat]

I love Jesuit jokes.




One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"



A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.




When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.

So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.

Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.

Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, "Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.

Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, "Professional courtesy!"





A Capuchin dies and goes to heaven, humbly knocks on the door, and is let in without any fanfare. One day, a long time later, he notices lots of commotion. Flowers are arranged, all the candles are lit, and a red carpet is rolled out. He asks an angel what's going on, and is told that they are preparing to welcome a Jesuit into heaven. Perplexed, he asks St. Peter, "I always thought there would be justice and equality in heaven, with no one receiving preferential treatment. Why are you going to such great lengths to welcome a Jesuit, whereas you hardly took any notice of me when I arrived?" St. Peter tells him in reply, "Don't you see? Another Capuchin enters heaven almost every week, but you can't imagine how long it's been since we welcomed the last Jesuit up here!"
[url="http://catholic-resources.org/JesuitJokes.htm"]My link[/url]

[laetitia crucis]

A whole page FILLED with Jesuit jokes!

This is like hitting some kind of jackpot!

Thanks for the link, Nihil!

[laetitia crucis]

(From Nihil's link.)

Latin Echo:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo.

Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"[i]Quod est Franciscanorum regula?[/i]" ("What is the rule of the Franciscans?")
And the echo replied: ".[i]..gula, gula, gula[/i]." ("Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.")

In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out: "[i]Fuitne Judas Jesuita[/i]?" ("Was Judas a Jesuit?")
And the echo replied: "[i]...ita, ita, ita.[/i]" ("Yes, yes, yes.")

[Thomist-in-Training]

From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus

[Mary Veronica]

ST. Philip Neri, the "humorous saint" :

[color="#800080"]"Christian joy is a gift from God flowing from a good conscience," he said. Once, a young priest asked him what prayer would be the most appropriate to say for a couple after a wedding Mass, and Philip Neri thought and said, "A prayer for peace." [/color]

soo true

[color="#00ff00"]
[b][color="#8b0000"]St. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the gospel. Use words when necessary!"[/color][/b][/color]

can't preach...anymore...Uh!



[color="#ff00ff"]St. Anthony Avellino was a seventeenth-century canon lawyer who entered the Theatine order. One day a pious priest asked him, "Father Avellino, how long should one stay at the bedside of a sick person?" Rather than offer a long explanation, Avellino said, "Always be brief. There are two advantages: if they like you, they'll want you back. If you're boring, their displeasure will be short." [/color]

oh....right!

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Thomist-in-Training' date='14 June 2010 - 11:13 PM' timestamp='1276571610' post='2129104']
From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus
[/quote]

Aaahahahaha! I had forgotten about that one! I heard it from a Franciscan Sister, too. Another one of my favorite jokes!

[osapientia]

[quote name='Thomist-in-Training' date='15 June 2010 - 12:13 AM' timestamp='1276571610' post='2129104']
From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus
[/quote]


EXCELLENT THREAD. Needed a laugh this morning!!

[Tridenteen]

JMJ
When the Council of whatever was debating whether or not to canonize Philip Neri, Philip appreared before them (the pope included) and said "It doesn't matte what you say! I'm a Saint already...HA HA!" he stuck out his tongue and dissapeared. The Pope looked down at the marbles used for voting, cast his hat down, and said..."All I see is white".

I heard that from somewhere, hope I got it right.

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 10:40 PM' timestamp='1276569630' post='2129086']
A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."


[/quote]

oh duh. all hands in the air for Confession!

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Mary Veronica' date='15 June 2010 - 10:01 AM' timestamp='1276610498' post='2129223']
oh duh. all hands in the air for Confession!
[/quote]

[vee]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 09:26 PM' timestamp='1276568781' post='2129072']
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.


[/quote]

This is one of my favorite Catholic jokes although I'm not sure how the Carmelites can meditate [sub] actually they're probably napping [/sub] with all the singing and debating going on

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='vee8' date='15 June 2010 - 02:26 PM' timestamp='1276626394' post='2129319']
This is one of my favorite Catholic jokes although I'm not sure how the Carmelites can meditate [sub] actually they're probably napping [/sub] with all the singing and debating going on
[/quote]

SO! napping aye?! wait, are you a Jesuit?...WELL in any case, I, and all my insane Carmelite peeps, demand to know what charism you predominantly have! that we too, may also go after your crew guwahahaha....and MOST LIKELY...


add you as a PM friend:


[media][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vuaqDDr--Q&feature=related"]http://www.youtube.c...feature=related[/url][/media]


"I'll be there for you..."

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[aalpha1989]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 10:26 PM' timestamp='1276568781' post='2129072']
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.


[/quote]

lol! I'd been looking for this one for a while, thanks for posting it.

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 10:54 PM' timestamp='1276570498' post='2129094']
(From Nihil's link.)

Latin Echo:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo.

Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"[i]Quod est Franciscanorum regula?[/i]" ("What is the rule of the Franciscans?")
And the echo replied: ".[i]..gula, gula, gula[/i]." ("Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.")

In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out: "[i]Fuitne Judas Jesuita[/i]?" ("Was Judas a Jesuit?")
And the echo replied: "[i]...ita, ita, ita.[/i]" ("Yes, yes, yes.")
[/quote]

[brightsadness]

At a concelebrated wedding liturgy the Presider wanted to release some tension so he said (as they all stood around the sanctuary) "now let us take a minute and relieve ourselves." It cracked up the church. I kid you not, my dad was there.