Husband At Bachelor Party

[ThePenciledOne]

[quote name='rwri10' date='05 June 2010 - 11:57 PM' timestamp='1275793055' post='2124422']
Great post. Thanks.
[/quote]

No problem, I thought I would share. : )

I hope it helped in some way.

And I will be praying for you and your husband.

Edited June 6, 2010 by ThePenciledOne

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 10:33 PM' timestamp='1275791637' post='2124400']
Dude give me a break, I've fought in a war, earned a college degree, have a solid job, and have had a beautiful caring relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years.

Just because I take more things lightly does not allow for you to question someone's maturity or other characteristics.
[/quote]
Maturity isn't a matter of life experience, it's a matter of wisdom. I'm not saying that I'm wise, but I sure know it's unwise to tell a deeply hurt woman to get over the incredibly offensive things her husband may be doing, pretend it's nothing, and tell others who hold to Christ's teachings that they're being too serious, all while pretending that grave sin is no big deal because it's popular.

[Norseman82]

[quote name='rwri10' date='05 June 2010 - 04:47 PM' timestamp='1275770878' post='2124198']
I'm recently married, Catholic. Husband is a non-Catholic. This weekend, husband is at a bachelor party for a close friend. When I told him how I felt about female dancers.. etc. he said there would not be anything like that. Accidently, I open his facebook account to find the event he's attending this weekend is titled "boobs and tubes" with a picture of a dancer.

I feel extremely hurt. What is so difficult is his secular view of marriage & sexuality. Am I wrong to feel hurt and upset? I know society sees it as a right of passage and fun last night of freedom, but I feel it's a grave sin. Even if it's a close friend, I feel he shouldn't participate. I feel hurt that I've married the type of man that has these friends and feels this is OK. Other aspects of my marriage have been so affected by his secular views as well. Anger, Cursing, expectations for sex, feeling like an object, I have made a commitment to this man but I feel in a constant uphill battle.

I am not the same person that I was when I met him. Since, I've grown closer to Christ, as I hoped we would grow closer together, that hasn't been the case.

Any feedback would be of assistance.
Thanks so much
[/quote]

Someone has to ask the following:

Didn't you know what you were getting yourself into when you married this person? Or did you convert after you married him?

[Ed Normile]

Semper, you could look at it in another way, your girlfriend of five years which you said you are in a loving relationship with, if she went to a bachorelette party where there were male strippers, would you not feel betrayed or hurt and maybe angry, and if you knew of the upcoming party and asked her if there were going to be such entertainemt and she lied to you, what does that do to you, besides the hurt of being lied to, and her sin involved in lying, what happens to your trust of her? Will you ever be able to really trust her word, or will there always be an opening for that little devil of doubt to sneak into your mind and zap you with doubt of one who is supposed to be the main person you can trust. I am going to be fifty this july, I come from a large Irish family and have been to many bachelor parties and none included strippers, its handy being among like minded people. When you decide to marry, that is a committment for life, the two of you lose your seperate identities and become as one. This union in the eyes of God is to forsake all others, people who forget or ignore this fact are the people who end up either divorced or married in name only.

ed

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='CherieMadame' date='06 June 2010 - 02:53 AM' timestamp='1275789227' post='2124370']
rwri10, I will be praying for you and your husband! And honestly, I think a good patroness in your regard would be St. Monica. Pray for your husband, especially through her intercession -- prayer works wonders, even if you have to wait a long time to see the "results"!!
[/quote]
I was going to suggest St Monica as well. rwri10 - I'm praying.

[quote name='Raphael' date='06 June 2010 - 04:41 AM' timestamp='1275795710' post='2124450']
Maturity isn't a matter of life experience, it's a matter of wisdom. I'm not saying that I'm wise, but I sure know it's unwise to tell a deeply hurt woman to get over the incredibly offensive things her husband may be doing, pretend it's nothing, and tell others who hold to Christ's teachings that they're being too serious, all while pretending that grave sin is no big deal because it's popular.
[/quote]
+1 if I had it.

[BG45]

You've got my prayers, as someone who has watched relationships suffer due to this sort of thing. It warps reality and the perception of it to no good ends, and I hope that your priest is truly able to help you both.

[HisChildForever]

I would be furious.

[XIX]

Guys, don't feed the troll.

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='Ed Normile' date='06 June 2010 - 01:34 AM' timestamp='1275806051' post='2124505']
Semper, you could look at it in another way, your girlfriend of five years which you said you are in a loving relationship with, if she went to a bachorelette party where there were male strippers, would you not feel betrayed or hurt and maybe angry, and if you knew of the upcoming party and asked her if there were going to be such entertainemt and she lied to you, what does that do to you, besides the hurt of being lied to, and her sin involved in lying, what happens to your trust of her? Will you ever be able to really trust her word, or will there always be an opening for that little devil of doubt to sneak into your mind and zap you with doubt of one who is supposed to be the main person you can trust. I am going to be fifty this july, I come from a large Irish family and have been to many bachelor parties and none included strippers, its handy being among like minded people. When you decide to marry, that is a committment for life, the two of you lose your seperate identities and become as one. This union in the eyes of God is to forsake all others, people who forget or ignore this fact are the people who end up either divorced or married in name only.

ed
[/quote]
I've been with the gf long enough, that we've both lied to each other and caught each other lying more then a couple times. It smells of elderberries and there's always that initial fight, but then we both go back and look at it with reason.

For the record the GF has gone to bachlorette parties (with strippers), and I trust her enough to know that nothing substantial would happen. Even if it did, I love her so much I would find it difficult not to forgive her.

Also for the record we would probably be married, accept we're both not in on steady foundations right now, she's still in law school and I'm just getting off my military contract.

I know in my heart that whatever we would do to each other, we would both take the road to forgiveness above all.

[tinytherese]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='06 June 2010 - 01:08 PM' timestamp='1275844127' post='2124627']
I've been with the gf long enough, that we've both lied to each other and caught each other lying more then a couple times. It smells of elderberries and there's always that initial fight, but then we both go back and look at it with reason.

For the record the GF has gone to bachlorette parties (with strippers), and I trust her enough to know that nothing substantial would happen. Even if it did, I love her so much I would find it difficult not to forgive her.

[/quote]

What do you mean about the lying going on between you and your girlfriend? I don't mean to pry, but wouldn't that be reason to wonder if you can trust each other? Deception can harm a relationship. (I'm not saying that forgiveness is impossible for that.)

As far as her going to bachelorette parties with strippers, are you saying that you reluctantly trust her but don't like it or that you trust her and are really fine about it? If something did happen, you seem to be saying that you would be hurt and you would forgive her, but isn't that just showing that such behavior would in fact hurt you and therefore shouldn't happen period?

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='06 June 2010 - 12:22 PM' timestamp='1275844950' post='2124631']
What do you mean about the lying going on between you and your girlfriend? I don't mean to pry, but wouldn't that be reason to wonder if you can trust each other? Deception can harm a relationship. (I'm not saying that forgiveness is impossible for that.)

As far as her going to bachelorette parties with strippers, are you saying that you reluctantly trust her but don't like it or that you trust her and are really fine about it? If something did happen, you seem to be saying that you would be hurt and you would forgive her, but isn't that just showing that such behavior would in fact hurt you and therefore shouldn't happen period?
[/quote]

As far as lying, it's not like a chronic thing. You spend 5 years with someone there's gonna be stuff that you aren't entirely truthful about for a variety of reasons. We weren't lying about stuff like having secret families, but about small stuff like did we buy bread at the grocery store.

We're both ok with having the occasional girls/boys night/bachelor/bachlorette parties to a certain degree. Obviously there's stuff that is a big no-no and other things that are passable.

As for being hurt, whether it's doing something I don't like, or telling a white lie, hurting each other is just an inevitable part of being with someone. It's going to happen, unless you're robots. No one's perfect, and every time I hurt her, or she hurts me (not an everyday occurrence lol) and we work through it and it just makes us even stronger.

Oh and you're not prying at all you're fine

[jeffpugh]

Obvious? It seems there is your list of what's obvious, and our list. You might have to explain yours.

[StMichael]

Please, please all. The woman is in pain and passing judgement without the facts is wrong. So is suggesting the marriage is in trouble.

Please, collect the facts. Boobs and Tubes may be literal or a metaphor (guys acting like boobs, etc.) but jumping to conclusions does not help this woman or her marriage.

Let us pray for her and her husband.

[HisChildForever]

[quote name='StMichael' date='06 June 2010 - 02:27 PM' timestamp='1275848852' post='2124654']
Please, please all. The woman is in pain and passing judgement without the facts is wrong. So is suggesting the marriage is in trouble.

Please, collect the facts. Boobs and Tubes may be literal or a metaphor (guys acting like boobs, etc.) but jumping to conclusions does not help this woman or her marriage.

Let us pray for her and her husband.
[/quote]

Since I am a heterosexual female and would not be at all tempted by putting it into Google, I just did - and apparently the "Boobs and Tubes" title refers to the shape or design of a beer bong.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='06 June 2010 - 01:08 PM' timestamp='1275844127' post='2124627']


For the record the GF has gone to bachlorette parties (with strippers), and I trust her enough to know that nothing substantial would happen.
[/quote]
The substance (i.e., something "substantial") of adultery is lust. Any person who lusts commits adultery. That's our Lord's whole point on the matter. When your girlfriend goes to watch strippers, she desires them as a means to an end. They are eye-candy for her amusement and sexual arousal. They are there to put sexual thoughts in her head and desires in her heart. Now sexual desires are not evil and can be oriented toward love, but love is self-giving. I'm willing to bet that if that stripper approached your girlfriend and asked her to give herself to him in the sexual way she had been made to desire, you'd be offended. I'd imagine you would be quite upset also if he asked her to marry him. I imagine you'd want her to say no, but here's the thing: God made our sexual desires as one of the things to lead us toward love. To enjoy sexual desire, arousal, and fantasy, all while saying no the the marriage love demands, that is to misuse love. It it to take the substance love and turn it into the substance lust. A desire which is supposed to be self-giving then becomes selfish. "No," your girlfriend might say, "I don't want you. I have no interest in you as a person. I certainly don't want a relationship with you. A relationship with a stripper? Come now, why would I want you? All I wanted was the pleasure of seeing you naked and imagining the possibilities. Take your little outfit and leave me. I have no further use for you. I just wanted yup as a means to an end." Now you might say that your girlfriend is more courteous than that. Perhaps she wouldn't be so rude, but I can assure you that any thanks she gives would be shallow. The only proper response to a person is love, not use. The only proper response to a welcomed sexual unveiling is to respond out of a loving act of self-giving. God intended only married couples, who belong to one another wholly, to see each other nude, because they have the proper relationship in which they may respond to nakedness with an outpouring of love. Anything that falls short of that response is not worthy of the person. Anything else causes shame, which is the only thing that will make a person allow themselves to be so abused by others as to become a stripper. So don't pretend she isn't doing something substantial, she's lusting, committing adultery, saying yes to sexual desire but no to its fulfillment, building up a thirst of lust, desire for more to fill her need for sexual excitement while keeping her free of the responsibility of reciprocating love or treating others like persons, she's inhibiting her ability to love others by saying mo to love and yes to lust, she's avulsing another human being's dignity, choosing to fantasize about another man instead of you, laying the groundwork for a self-destructive marriage, and worst of all, imperiling her immortal soul, which it will be your duty as her someday husband to protect. Aside from all that, know that men and women both suffer ill-effects from lust; in a woman, it introduces coldness, infidelity, dominance, cruelty, and envy. Ready to marry into that?