I Don't Buy My Mom's Argument

[Maggyie]

I agree with Slappo that it's important to choose labels carefully, if at all. TT, is your therapist aware that this is how you feel about your father? Have you used the words "potential rapist" in a session, I mean? Coming from the outside it's easy for someone to feel that you are being melodramatic, but the reality of an abuse victim is just as real to them as the reality everyone else sees. After all you wouldn't expect your father to sexually abuse you, either. If he crossed that boundary, why wouldn't he cross the other, etc. The reality is there's a huge difference between sexual harassment and rape, but that's not so important at this time. You need to detach and protect yourself from the situation at "home." And I put "home" in quotes because I think it stopped being a real "home" a long time ago. I think your mother is correct to get you out of the house while she works on her marriage. Let her do what she needs to do - she's not choosing between you two, she's trying to fix things one at a time, although at this point who knows if it's even fixable. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and getting yourself the help you need.

[missionseeker]

My grandmother is still married to the man who abused me for years. At first I wanted nothing to to do with her (she told us that she would kick him out, so it was really betrayal when she didn't). Christmas and thanksgivivng were uber hard every year. There was always some drama going on. After I left for college, it took a while but for the first time I called her at work a couple months ago and we had a really nice conversation.


The other thing is that you should focus on the fact that he *didn't* rape you. That is not an easy thing to do, but for the first ... idk... 7 years after I would constantly think "he could have raped me" and I never got anywhere except feeling sorry for myself and scared of men. I kind of started to lable ALL of them as potential rapists.If you think about the fact that he didn't rape you, it does not downplay the fact that, yeah, he possibly would have if things had continued, but I think that it is a healthier mindset. Yes, he makes you uncomfortable, and no there is absolutely no reason that you should have to see him- especially right now. But sometimes,that mindset is actually enabling to him because he can still have power over you, you know? It also alienates your mom. Which you really don't want to do. It is hard for someone who hasn't been through it to grasp what goes through your head. And that's ok. And, no, she shouldn't make excuses for him, but if she does, you shouldn't take it as her choosing one over the other. The problem is that she wants both. And right now, you may need to let her figure out on her own that both is impossible.

I agree with those who say you should find a place removed from the family drama. Also, a job will occupy your mind and allow you to think about other things.

God bless,
Cat

Edited May 14, 2010 by missionseeker

[Brother Adam]

Sent you a private message with my friends contact information. I know she is a great listener if you ever want to talk to someone on the phone.

[tinytherese]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='14 May 2010 - 08:18 AM' timestamp='1273843139' post='2110532']
Sent you a private message with my friends contact information. I know she is a great listener if you ever want to talk to someone on the phone.
[/quote]

Yes, I got it. Thank you.

[tinytherese]

It can be hard to tell if my concern is something that really could happen or not. I just can't read his mind and he did physically torture me at times what with cracking my knuckles and toes so that he could hear me scream. He would laugh and tell me in a serious tone of voice that it didn't hurt. He would act as if I was a wimp for saying that it hurt or that imply that I was stupid for thinking that. I'm just so dependent on my family what with my fear of driving, lack of funds for a car, unemployment, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and social phobia.

I don't know if I'm overworrying about him or not. It can be hard finding that balance of trying to take care of yourself in such a fragile time when you've been a victim who has had people who should have been acknowledging my pain give their comments. My best friend told me that I should be grateful that he didn't beat me up, another friend who has been through so much in her life thinks that she is the only one in the world who suffers and that what I've gone through is nothing, and a prioress at a religious community that I was discerning with told me that I deserved that abusive treatment, thinking that I had done something that made him do it. Not that long ago, dad described me as a selfish brat for causing all of this drama. Mom has been trying to get me to emphathize with him. "He hasn't gotten a chance to talk with you and you've cut him from your life." His therapist wanted us to work on reconciling as a family last January. Mom has asked me before what dad would have to do to get me to trust him and for the four of us to live under the same roof together. Mom says that she's not trying to minimize what I'm going through, but I'm not sure what she is trying to do. I feel like they are putting so much pressure on me. Dad's therapist has multiple times said that I seem to be controlling and want the whole world to revolve around me. Mom has corrected her on that and when I've told her how it has really bothered me that she said that. Mom said that she was trying to get a picture of me since I wasn't there with them in therapy, that she was trying to guess about me.

Mom and I do think that dad still has unresolved anger and at special occasions where the family has gotten together or at times when I visit my house to spend time with mom and my brother I'm not at ease when I see my dad walking around. Going to my brother's First Communion party was really hard. I kept moving around so that I wouldn't be around dad.

I don't see "every man" as a potential rapist. I've studied domestic abuse and I know what kind of signs to look for regarding a man's personality that wouldn't guarantee that he would be an abuser, but would be signs for me to stay away from him in case. Abusers are known to be really controlling and arrogant, just to name two traits of a man like that. The only thing that I'm uneasy about is date rape, when it comes to other men because they say not to be alone with someone you don't know well so early in the relationship. Now I know that I would want to have a time of friendship with a man before beginning courtship, but I don't know how long one can go on group dates and only be together in public places until one can trust being with them alone at other times. For all I know it could be an act until we are alone together. I know that this just might be my anxiety and the trauma that I've suffered from talking, but these are topics that I've wondered about. I know that we can't be 100% sure about everything, but when are we at a point where it would be reasonable?

From what I've gone through I want to be careful. I know that my mom wasn't careful, since early in their relationship he slapped her across the face once and isolated her from her friends because he didn't like them, so she didn't see them as much. And apart from having casual friendships with people from work, my dad wasn't somebody who was known for having friends. His other friends that he actually chose were hours away and he didn't talk to them much. Marriage prep also wasn't that great in the Church at the time of the wedding in the 80's, from what my mom describes, or at least at her parish.

Edited May 15, 2010 by tinytherese