Advice For First Come And See

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I have written to a monastery, not my first correspondence with them, asking permission to visit and they replied saying that it was fine but just let them know the date and flight number and someone will pick me up at the airport. They have a house on the property that I may stay in, and I may have my meals at the monastery, all for free. The prioress also suggested I stay for around a week so I have time to listen to the Holy Spirit. I havent booked a flight yet but have some questions as this would be my first ever come and see- monastery visit- talk to nuns behind a grille- retreat type thing .

First of all I cant stay and eat there for a week and not give them something in return but what? Of course they could always use money but how much?

What to bring? Im thinking clothes for a week, a Bible, my Rosary, a camera, maybe one book, and my spiritual journal. Anything else anyone has taken that they found helpful?

As for what to say there is a whole list of things NOT to say in another thread, so lets pray I dont say any of those Ill have to search to find it but there is that fantastic list of questions TradMom had posted a long time ago that Id like to take too but any other advice on what to talk or not talk about?

Finally, for now, as Ive said before this would be my first visit and I feel a bit chicken. Ive traveled, gone to job interviews, done all kinds of things but this is different. Ill still go of course but someone tell me to quite being chicken, that theres nothing to worry about, the prioress isnt going to shoot me with laser beams or anything if I mess up!

[SoonerCatholic]

I don't have any advice to offer, because I've been wanting to ask a similar question since I'm looking into visiting a few communities.

What sort of questions should one ask? What other things to do on a visit would be helpful?

[vee]

[quote name='vee8' date='29 April 2010 - 08:54 AM' timestamp='1272549244' post='2102144']
[b]quite[/b] being chicken,
[/quote]

I meant quit.

I have found the elusive list of questions from TradMom original thread [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=77767&view=&hl=questions%20to%20ask%20communities&fromsearch=1"]here[/url]

[osapientia]

[quote name='vee8' date='29 April 2010 - 10:54 AM' timestamp='1272549244' post='2102144']
I have written to a monastery, not my first correspondence with them, asking permission to visit and they replied saying that it was fine but just let them know the date and flight number and someone will pick me up at the airport. They have a house on the property that I may stay in, and I may have my meals at the monastery, all for free. The prioress also suggested I stay for around a week so I have time to listen to the Holy Spirit. I havent booked a flight yet but have some questions as this would be my first ever come and see- monastery visit- talk to nuns behind a grille- retreat type thing .

First of all I cant stay and eat there for a week and not give them something in return but what? Of course they could always use money but how much?

What to bring? Im thinking clothes for a week, a Bible, my Rosary, a camera, maybe one book, and my spiritual journal. Anything else anyone has taken that they found helpful?

As for what to say there is a whole list of things NOT to say in another thread, so lets pray I dont say any of those Ill have to search to find it but there is that fantastic list of questions TradMom had posted a long time ago that Id like to take too but any other advice on what to talk or not talk about?

Finally, for now, as Ive said before this would be my first visit and I feel a bit chicken. Ive traveled, gone to job interviews, done all kinds of things but this is different. Ill still go of course but someone tell me to quite being chicken, that theres nothing to worry about, the prioress isnt going to shoot me with laser beams or anything if I mess up!
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OK you asked for it.

Quit being chicken
There's nothing to worry about
The prioress is not going to shoot you with laser beams or anything if you mess up.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='vee8' date='29 April 2010 - 12:37 PM' timestamp='1272562626' post='2102218']


I have found the elusive list of questions from TradMom [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif[/img] original thread [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=77767&view=&hl=questions%20to%20ask%20communities&fromsearch=1"]here[/url]
[/quote]

Good luck! I'd be scared, too.

Edited April 29, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[laetitia crucis]

Ahhh! I am really excited for you, vee8!

I think your list of things to brings sounds good to me -- though I would include personal toiletries and such, and as I've heard various religious say to "bring an Open Heart!" as well.

I have never visited a cloistered Order as a "Come and See"er, so I don't really know what else one would need.... ...perhaps I would consider printing off TradMom's List of Questions just so I wouldn't forget to ask them.

And as a "thank you" gift for the Sisters, I usually bring candies or chocolates of some sort. As a Sister, that was always a very welcomed gift from visitors!

[AccountDeleted]

I think that TradMom's post is so important that it needed to be posted again here in full and not just as a link - see below in quote box for the full post.

From me...

If you have a breviary for the Divine Office (Liturgy of the Hours), you might want to take that as well to join in for some Hours, especially Vespers. Sometimes it isn't easy to hear them through a grille, but it is still nice to feel part of what is happening. If you don't have your own, I am sure they will lend one to you if you ask.

Take a camera if you want but ask permission before taking photos, especially of any of the nuns. Tell them we are all eager to see them and it could lead to more vocations just in case they need convincing.

Take a travel alarm clock just in case your lodging doesn't have one (or ask in advance if it does) and a hair dryer so you don't have to go to bed with wet hair.

Pen and paper for notes, and a diary/calendar for writing down feast days (if there are any during your stay) and special timetables.

As a gift, sometimes convents get "too much" candy as donations and something a little healthier might be preferred, but this is always hard to say, I guess it depends on the particular convent. I used to give wine and/or sherry and/or Strongbow cider because Carmelites are allowed a little of this on solemnities and special days but only if it is donated and most people don't think about this for nuns. I don't know if your community is allowed alcohol or not. You can just give some money in an envelope when you leave, with a thank you card.

And:

Go ahead, be a chicken - I always am, every time! Feel the fear, but do it anyway. I use fear to increase my trust in God.

There's nothing to worry about - this true, but it keeps you humble, so don't worry about worrying just don't let it incapacitate you.

The prioress will definitely not shoot you with laser beams if you mess up because these aren't used in the monastery, but she might just have an angel use flaming arrows of love instead - so watch out. Once you are hit, there is no hope of recovery

And for heaven's sake, enjoy yourself. The nuns are people too. Focus on each one of them that you meet and not on yourself. Who knows, someday these might be your "family" so get to know them and let them see who "you" are, not as someone on a stage who is concerned about her "performance". Be yourself because God made you and knows who you are and loves you that way. If this isn't the right community for you, or you aren't right for them, it isn't the end of the world, but then again, this might be where you belong, so get to know each other. It is a real treat for nuns to meet possible vocations to their community. I know that I loved meeting women who thought they might want to enter, even if they didn't end up doing so.

One woman I met in England is now in a convent here in Australia and we still write to each other. When we met, I was the one in habit and she wasn't. Now she is the one in habit and I am not. The community I am going to visit soon is very near to the one she lives in now - small world. God works in the most amazing ways.

My prayers are with you during your visit. Please pray for me during mine. This is not my first visit by any means, but like you, I am eager and excited. And I am so happy for you.

Let us know how it goes when you get back. I won't be back until August-September, but I will read here to see how it all went for you.



[quote] from TradMom Posted 08 March 2008 - 06:26 AM


Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever!

Naturally, this depends upon the community you are planning on visiting or thinking about, but I have some general as well as specific [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]questions[/color][/size] for you. Some of them pertain only [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] monastic/enclosed [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]communities[/color][/size] and some [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] active orders. Hopefully many will benefit from this list.

Remember, as you get closer [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] the possibility of living life as a religious, every aspect of your life will be examined and questioned. This can be an intimidating and often overwhelming experience. Sometimes nagging [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]questions[/color][/size] can be pushed aside in the hopes of being accepted. Sometimes things come up that you might never have considered previously. [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]Communities[/color][/size] often put on the best face possible when greeting a possible candidate, just as you put on the best face possible when meeting them!

You are on the brink of making a decision that has life-altering possibilities, and you deserve [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] be fully informed. Do not consider a community that doesn't answer [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]questions[/color][/size] or says things like, "Don't worry about that now."

Do they pray together and if so, in what format? (The Divine Office, Morning/Evening Prayer, Latin/English (or another language), Daily Rosary, Adoration, Daily Mass, etc.)

What is the process of formation? How long is the postulancy, the novitiate (I have seen some orders extend this) and temporary vows? Does the community "share" formation with another community (or communities) or send you [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] a different location? (If they do share formation, is it co-ed? How do you feel about that? Something [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] consider.)

What is involved in the process of application? (Letters from spiritual directors, psychological testing, medical and dental records, behavioral assessments, etc.)

What sort of financial arrangements would you need [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] organize in order [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] enter? (Meaning: Would you be responsible for your medical insurance, rent stipend, etc. until the you enter novitiate or make temporary vows? Does the community [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] for a dowry? If an active order, are you responsible for procuring a job until you become a novice?)

Do they have the means and willingness [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] "care for you" in the event of a serious disease, illness or accident before you make solemn vows? If something unfortunate were [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] occur in your life (God forbid...cancer, an accident, etc.) would they [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] you [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] leave the community? Would they help you get settled outside of the community?

Other than a community with strict papal enclosure, how do they handle family emergencies (in the event you live in another area)? In the event an immediate family member was seriously ill or died, would you be allowed [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] return home? If you were a postulant, novice or in temporary vows, would they find the means for you [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] return home? (There are Canon laws about how long you can be out of the novitiate, but it is important [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] know if they would help you financially in a time of need.)

How do they live out the charism of the founder or foundress of the community?

What spiritual or religious practices/devotions are particular [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] them? Have they ever undergone a reformation? If so, why and how did it impact the community? Do they have different "branches" - if so, what are the differences?

Have their constitutions changed? If so, how and why?

How did the Community incorporate the spirit of Vatican II into their daily life and spirit? In what ways did they change? (This is a good time [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] about the habit.)

How do they manage the "corporate" life of the community? Do they exist purely on donations and benefactors? Do they have arrangements for the care of the elderly sisters? (I would [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] visit [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] the "retired/elderly" sisters/nuns.) Do they send the elderly, sick or ill nuns [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] a nursing home? (***Personally, I cannot imagine anything worse than living my life in a convent/monastery and then being shipped off [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] a Nursing Home and having [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] die isolated from my sisters and home.)

How do they "govern" the community? How is it organized? If the Foundress/Founder is living, is a council in place that has a voice? (This is often very difficult with a living Foundress.)

Do they have an Abbess/Prioress/Mother Superior for life? How and when are elections held and what is the process?

Who is the Novice Mistress and what is her background? Has she had training outside of the community (not always a plus, but can be)? Is your introduction [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] religious life an individual process (based upon your progress, temperment, educational background) or is there a specific formula/process that is more group-oriented?

Do you see diversity in the community? Are they open [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] women based upon their call from Jesus or is another criteria they consider? (Example: education level, color, age, country of origin, etc.)

Would you have access [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] an outside Confessor/Spiritual Director not connected [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] the community?

If you felt you needed therapy at some point, would they object or would that be seen as a "weakness" or problem?

Are you "allowed" [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] have private (unrestricted) conversations/communication with family members and/or close friends? How often? If not, what restrictions are in place (as in...does the Novice Mistress read the mail and then decide whether or not [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] pass it along [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] you) and are you comfortable with them?

How do they handle "problems" within the community? (Anger, conflicts, etc.)

How is intellectual growth stimulated and encouraged? Creative growth and/or expression stimulated and encouraged?

How do they encourage and promote a healthy (physically) lifestyle? (Foods, exercise, etc.)

How do they balance integration into a communal lifestyle while maintaining healthy personal space and privacy? Another way of asking is how do they create healthy interdependence with healthy independence?

In addition [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] the vows of chastity, poverty and obedience, do they take another vow? If so, what it is? What is their understanding of the vows? (Some [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]communities[/color][/size] have a very different understanding of what it means [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] be obedient...as an example.)

Do they incorporate any other sources into their lifestyle and/or formation that is not Roman Catholic? As an example, do they practice Zen Meditation, or host Inter-Faith Days of Prayer? If they do, how do you feel about that and is that something you are comfortable with?

Are they politically active? Do they have Sisters (usually active orders only) who march, protest or proclaim a specific belief that has political ramifications? (Peace & Justice, Lobbying, Pro-Life, Anti-War, Sanctuary for Immigrants, etc.)

If it is a missionary order or a congregation that is international, could you be transferred [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] another country? Do you have a voice in where you might go? If not, how do you feel about being completely open [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] God's Will through the voice of the Superiors?

If it is an active order that has a specific ministry, how are the assignments given out? Are you involved in the process or choosing a location, or are you assigned where needed?

Do they practice corporal penances? If so, what and how?


In addition [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] their individual charism, do they follow a specific rule or hold special a particular spirituality? ("Sisters of Mary" might have Ignatian Spirituality)

How do they interact with the community in which they live (as in neighborhood)? Are they in good standing? (One community I visited has been involved with a variety of lawsuits.)

How do they actively live the corporal works of mercy? Especially serving the poor?

Do they have a chaplain (if they are cloistered) on the grounds? (Sadly, some cloistered [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]communities[/color][/size] do not have access any longer [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] Daily Mass.)

Do they offer hospitality [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] others?

If you have a special talent or hobby (weaving, music, art, etc.) would it be encouraged and put [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] use or would you be asked [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] give it up as a sacrifice?

Lastly, do you have any input into your name? Many [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]communities[/color][/size] allow the woman [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] submit three choices.

After visiting:
Does the community feel safe [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] you? Do you feel you could be yourself? Relaxed? Do you feel that you would be able [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] reveal your weaknesses, your failings, your need for support, guidance and encouragement on the road [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] sanctity? Do the nuns/sisters appear [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] be mature, well-grounded, loving women? Are they warm? Do they seem happy? Are their elderly sisters well cared for and comfortable? It is very humbling [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] for help, which is why I started this with the question..."do you feel safe?" If you enter a community, you are asking for help [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] live out Jesus' invitation [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] you. You are saying publicly that you cannot do it alone, and you need the support, structure and outward signs a religious community [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] reach heaven. Look at the nuns/sisters carefully and [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]ask[/color][/size] yourself (especially the older ones and your potential Novice Mistress!) "Is this someone I want [size="3"][color="#ff0000"]to[/color][/size] be like?"


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