Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[AnneLine]

Coming from a protestant background, I'm always surprised by this sense of discernment culture that's sprung up where people make big announcements, go to seminary, date, think about it, spend years on retreats, debate the merits of different orders and types of religious life.. I've thought about it, but quietly, and won't be inquiring after any young ladies as a result.. 

 

It's a funny catch 22, the girls I'm attracted to are usually nun-material, but I'd rather they go ahead and become nuns. 

 

 

I'm a cradle Catholic coming from a moderately traditional parish where vocational discernment is a constant topic, and I think it's strange too. ;) I don't think it's just you.

 

I spoke with a 93 year old friar a few days back, and I asked him about his discernment.  (He's over 70 years in the order, and a former provincial.  Brilliant guy, and a source of constant joy and awe in me...)

 

He looked at me and just shook his head and said, "I don't understand why everyone is doing all this 'discernment' at this point.  If someone thinks they would be good at being a priest or nun, just contact the community and if they agree, just do it.  This waiting and worrying for years at a time makes no sense to me."  

 

I must admit I think he has a point.  (And yes, I realize, the COMMUNITIES make that impossible at this point, but there is a happy medium!)

Edited May 14, 2014 by AnneLine

[AnneLine]

And... I might add.... the way we handle this in my Secular Order these days is this:  They have to make a call or send me an email.  I talk with them for a few hours (which is sort of like a combo first visit and evaluation)... and if we both think at the end we want to proceed, we suggest they come to a few months of meetings as a guest.  i give 'em some homework and a simple schedule to follow, and see how they do with that.  If all goes well, we have 'em start their formation the following September.    I realize it's more complicated for religious life, and that there are a lot more things (physical and psych evals, letting go of jobs and houses and family) but frankly, someone COULD be ready to enter without having to fly to the community 5 or 6 times, etc.   I think we are making it so complex people are getting stuck.

 

AND... to get this back on topic, this could be part of what is going on with your friend--he may be just so stuck in discernment that he can't figure out how to make the leap into the seminary.  

 

But if he can't do it, be very careful, as we have said.   

 

Praying for you......

[ChristinaTherese]

I know you guys know this, but I'll just reiterate that there are also times when life forces people to take a while on their discernment. Like that I've been discerning, more or less, since a few years before I was Catholic and now I still have to graduate and deal with debt before I could enter anywhere. (I mean, hypothetically I could drop out and maybe find a quick way to deal with my debt, but it sounds wisest to finish college first. 3 years of college give you nothing but headaches when trying to find work later if you leave.)

[Spem in alium]

I know you guys know this, but I'll just reiterate that there are also times when life forces people to take a while on their discernment. Like that I've been discerning, more or less, since a few years before I was Catholic and now I still have to graduate and deal with debt before I could enter anywhere. (I mean, hypothetically I could drop out and maybe find a quick way to deal with my debt, but it sounds wisest to finish college first. 3 years of college give you nothing but headaches when trying to find work later if you leave.)

I hear you. If I didn't have debt, I would probably be applying right now. I actually started paying it off on Monday, which was quite exciting for me.

While they were hard to deal with at first, life's hurdles and obstacles have actually been positively transformative. Through them I've learnt a lot about myself, my capabilities and my weaknesses, probably much more readily than I would have if I had been free to enter when I initially wanted to. Plus, they've really tested my patience. :)

[AnneLine]

Absolutely, and a good reminder.   AND.... chances are 60 years ago the college debt thing wasn't an issue.  But what WAS an issue was the Great Depression and World War II.... and I can tell you from just my own parents' experience, people put their lives on hold for 10-15 years while they got others taken care of.... and a war won.  So, yeah, I think almost every generation has stuff like this that impacts the when one can RESPOND.  Good point!

[petitpèlerin]

I know a happily married couple who were college sweethearts, they broke things off for him to enter the seminary, he spent a year there, discerned out, and they pursued their relationship. Hearing them tell their story, she was "waiting" for him while he was in the seminary (she was invested and waiting to see where his discernment would go), but she wasn't there on the side for him while he was discerning a celibate vocation, they both had let go of the relationship during that time, given it to God. There's a difference.

[marigold]

Tink, if you're still reading, how is it going?

[Magdalenarose]

I realize these posts are old but I just found them. I'm offering a different perspective. I'm the mother of a daughter who is going through this and am wondering if you all can advise me on how to help her. She'd been dating a wonderful young man for almost 3 yrs and they were seriously discussing marriage. But as others have mentioned here he just had this pull to the oriesthood that he couldn't shake. Now the difference here is that he'd already been in a seminary for almost 4 years and was miserable. In fact I think he may have had a nervous breakdown. He seems to feel he failed because the seminary was in Europe.  He was planning on applying to a U.S. seminary when he met my daughter. He had to wait a year and was 8 months out when he met her.  They've been inseparable since then.  He feels this is still unresolved and while I appreciate his honesty I feel he shouldn't have let this go on so long if he knew he'd have to re enter seminary. I know this is very difficult but  should it be this hard? He has to wait another year before even applying and they did break up but after a month resumed talking as it was too hard not to. They've been trying to stay friends and it seems better than not having contact but they are having a very hard time .  My daughter is in her early 20's and this is her first serious relationship . He is late 20's about 6 years older.  What about dating? My daughter was so hurt she just started dating whoever asked but I think she's settled down. Her true friends have told her not to date as she still loves him and the young man didn't ask her not to but it's tearing him up. Any advice? She won't talk to anyone or go to a spiritual director  but she still goes to Mass and is devout. 

[marigold]

I realize these posts are old but I just found them. I'm offering a different perspective. I'm the mother of a daughter who is going through this and am wondering if you all can advise me on how to help her. She'd been dating a wonderful young man for almost 3 yrs and they were seriously discussing marriage. But as others have mentioned here he just had this pull to the oriesthood that he couldn't shake. Now the difference here is that he'd already been in a seminary for almost 4 years and was miserable. In fact I think he may have had a nervous breakdown. He seems to feel he failed because the seminary was in Europe.  He was planning on applying to a U.S. seminary when he met my daughter. He had to wait a year and was 8 months out when he met her.  They've been inseparable since then.  He feels this is still unresolved and while I appreciate his honesty I feel he shouldn't have let this go on so long if he knew he'd have to re enter seminary. I know this is very difficult but  should it be this hard? He has to wait another year before even applying and they did break up but after a month resumed talking as it was too hard not to. They've been trying to stay friends and it seems better than not having contact but they are having a very hard time .  My daughter is in her early 20's and this is her first serious relationship . He is late 20's about 6 years older.  What about dating? My daughter was so hurt she just started dating whoever asked but I think she's settled down. Her true friends have told her not to date as she still loves him and the young man didn't ask her not to but it's tearing him up. Any advice? She won't talk to anyone or go to a spiritual director  but she still goes to Mass and is devout. 

Hi Magdalenarose, welcome to Vocation Station!

[puellapaschalis]

I don't think anyone here can give you an answer on whether what either of them are doing at the moment is 'right'. His discernment is his discernment, and while this of course affects your daughter and you're concerned about her well-being, neither you nor any of us can comment what he's doing or how he's doing it.

As far as helping your daughter goes, I would suggest prayer, letting her know you're there for her if she needs to talk/cry/rage/etc, and perhaps offer distraction like a day out or something. Although of course, she is an adult herself, and whilst it's a horrible thing to have to watch, sometimes parents just can't do anything to alleviate the pain a child's experiencing.

[Magdalenarose]

Thanks for your input. I guess I just feel this is a waste of time as he'd been in seminary, was miserable and now wants to do it again? I feel he will fail again and meanwhile my daughter is suffering. I attend a parish where there are seminarians. Over the 16 yrs I've been there Ive talked to several of them. I think in pretty good at spotting those who don't have a calling. This young man shows all the signs. He's very stubborn and just about everyone who knows him thinks he's making a terrible mistake. So much drama. I guess I just have to watch it unfold and be there for my daughter. I guess one question I have for you all is if the young men you were involved with were as tormented as this young man is. I mean it's almost an obsession and he drove my daughter crazy for the last 18 mths of their relationship talking about being married and even looking at rings and wedding venues and then saying of course if he doesn't become a priest. He actually talked about details re their wedding 2 days before he bailed. Is this normal or is he mentally ill?

Oh and whatever happened to Tink?

[puellapaschalis]

It is impossible, and very unwise to try, to make a statement either about someone's vocation or his mental health at this distance (even at yours). His vocational status or mental health really isn't your business, and it certainly isn't that of anyone here. What is your concern, of course, is how your daughter is faring, but that is a separate issue.

[marigold]

I guess one question I have for you all is if the young men you were involved with were as tormented as this young man is. I mean it's almost an obsession and he drove my daughter crazy for the last 18 mths of their relationship talking about being married and even looking at rings and wedding venues and then saying of course if he doesn't become a priest. He actually talked about details re their wedding 2 days before he bailed. Is this normal or is he mentally ill?

Edited to delete my advice and go with PP's instead.

Edited July 14, 2015 by marigold

[Sponsa-Christi]

I realize these posts are old but I just found them. I'm offering a different perspective. I'm the mother of a daughter who is going through this and am wondering if you all can advise me on how to help her. She'd been dating a wonderful young man for almost 3 yrs and they were seriously discussing marriage. But as others have mentioned here he just had this pull to the oriesthood that he couldn't shake. Now the difference here is that he'd already been in a seminary for almost 4 years and was miserable. In fact I think he may have had a nervous breakdown. He seems to feel he failed because the seminary was in Europe.  He was planning on applying to a U.S. seminary when he met my daughter. He had to wait a year and was 8 months out when he met her.  They've been inseparable since then.  He feels this is still unresolved and while I appreciate his honesty I feel he shouldn't have let this go on so long if he knew he'd have to re enter seminary. I know this is very difficult but  should it be this hard? He has to wait another year before even applying and they did break up but after a month resumed talking as it was too hard not to. They've been trying to stay friends and it seems better than not having contact but they are having a very hard time .  My daughter is in her early 20's and this is her first serious relationship . He is late 20's about 6 years older.  What about dating? My daughter was so hurt she just started dating whoever asked but I think she's settled down. Her true friends have told her not to date as she still loves him and the young man didn't ask her not to but it's tearing him up. Any advice? She won't talk to anyone or go to a spiritual director  but she still goes to Mass and is devout. 

Granted that there's only so much that you as a mother can do for an adult child, I would say that the best thing would be for your daughter to try to do her best to get over the ex/potential seminarian (and I know that's a lot easier said than done.) Nothing good can come from dating a man who is not sure whether or not he's called to be a priest. 

Adding on to my last post...

I.e., if the romantic relationship does work out, there's always going to be a lingering "what if...?" in the man's mind. That could lead to the man feeling resentful of his wife, or the wife feeling guilty later on. On the other hand, if the man does persevere in the seminary onto ordination, then that will only leave the woman involved with a broken heart (not to mention all the time that might have been wasted if she was secretly carrying a touch for him during his time in discernment and formation).

The best thing to do would be for the man to take whatever time he needed to make a peaceful decision for or against the priesthood. If he does come to a mature and serene decision not to pursue ordination, he will be in a much better place to enter into a healthy romantic relationship.

[Magdalenarose]

Thanks for all your replies. I will continue to pray and just try to distance myself.