Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[somethingfishy]

And even if he does decide he no longer wants to be a priest, be very careful about starting any sort of relationship with this man again. He clearly needs some time by himself to grow and mature before he's ready.

[Guest PrettyDamsel]

[quote name='somethingfishy' timestamp='1320629561' post='2332391']
And even if he does decide he no longer wants to be a priest, be very careful about starting any sort of relationship with this man again. He clearly needs some time by himself to grow and mature before he's ready.
[/quote]

Hi Lurker!

You're right. My mentors also said that they think he is still immature and that I deserve a more mature person who can take care of me. And I agree.

I wish him well I just hope that I hope these wounds will heal fast so I can move on and maybe start a new relationship with someone ready for a committed relationship.

Thank you for your advice

[Ale.SOLT]

You just need to suport him and pray for him.

My boyfriend and were dating for 3 yrs. our relationship was us striving to become holier people together and to have a relationship centered around good. We were both discerning religious life and marriage. During a discernment retreat we went on we both realized God was calling us to something greater in life. He is now a seminarian and I am entering the convent in February. We still communicate but its not the same, We are happier than we ever have been though

[Guest PrettyDamsel]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' timestamp='1276735140' post='2130167']
Tink--I've been thinking about you a lot, and how awful you must feel a lot of the time. I've been through several break-ups in my lifetime, and "awful" is the only way to describe them. Some people are able to slip in and out of relationships with no problem. I am not one of those people, and it sounds like you aren't either.

It sounds to me as if you are very good at loving, but maybe better at loving others than taking care of yourself. I had some thoughts similar to Organwerke's but let me see if I can put them in a different way.

One of the few bits of wisdom I have picked up over the years is that the kind of love you have for your boyfriend is good love and pure love, but probably only belongs in marriage (or at least, betrothal). When we get married, or when we have children, we are making a vow to make our spouse's or children's needs equal to or more important than ours, and make whatever sacrifices are necessary.

But, you are not married. It is almost as if you have taken on the sacrifices of marriage without the guarantees and security that go along with the marriage vow.

Your boyfriend is obviously a good person, and the last thing he wants is to hurt you. Even though it was hard for you to hear, he was honest with you about his possible vocation--some guys would have waited much longer, to the point that when they told you it would be a total shock. And, you obviously mean a lot to him, because he still wants to be close friends with you.

But, because you aren't married, you and God have to work together to take care of you and to safeguard your feelings. I'll share with you what I found out for myself, and, if you can, try living with this idea a bit, before dismissing it.

Like you, I found myself, more than once, loving with a "married level" of love, when I wasn't married. (BTW--I'm not talking about sex--simply emotional feelings.) And, I found, that for me, I couldn't be "good friends" with a guy I had loved, but who wasn't available, as your boyfriend is not "available" right now because he is discerning religious life. Usually the guy couldn't understand why I couldn't be friends, because his feelings worked differently.

Unlike marriage, your boyfriend now has two "loves"--you and God. (At least it's not another woman!) Discernment is a good thing. But, part of the price your boyfriend will have to pay if he eventually goes into seminary, and probably needs to pay in discernment as well, is that in giving his life to God, he will give up the possibility of the love of a woman the way you love him. (And again, I'm talking about love--not at all about sex.) In a sense, in your boyfriend's discernment, he is in "courtship" with God, working to determine if he will make God the first love in his life.

You obviously love deeply, and will make a wonderful wife. But, right now, there is a "third person--God" in your relationship, and you can't love in the unconditional way you want to love unless the love is equal between you and your boyfriend. Right now, your boyfriend has new responsibilities. He is being called on to listen to God, to try to discern God's will.

That means that you cannot be expected, and for your mental health shouldn't, give your boyfriend the kind of unconditional love you want to give him. You've tried being friends with your boyfriend, but no matter how you try, it is tearing you apart.

For me, at least, if I found myself loving a man who wasn't available, I had to make a "clean break" and not communicate with him at all, in any way. At first, the hurt was unbelivable. But, right now, your first responsibility is NOT your boyfriend--it is you. It's not selfish to put your needs first when you are single--particularly when trying to meet your boyfriend's needs is tearing you apart.

And, your boyfriend needs to realize that, if he feels he needs to discern a religious vocation, that means he can't have a relationship with you. He has to pay a price for choosing God. Right now, you don't know whether your boyfriend will be there for you in two years or not, but he knows that if his religious vocation is not right, that he still has you. Just as you have had to step off a cliff of not knowing what will happen with your boyfriend, with no "back-up plan," your boyfriend needs to experience that, too in his courtship with God. But, as long as you are there ready to meet every need, there is no "test" of his vocation--he is set in his life whichever way he goes. He needs that uncertainty in order to learn to trust God, just as you are learning now how to trust God without your boyfriend's support.

Right now you are not interested in other men, and that is natural. But, your boyfriend needs to realize that if he is not ready to commit to you now, that means that if he decides not to pursue a vocation, in two years you may have moved on and you may not be there for him. Neither you or nor he knows what will happen to either of you in the next two years.

Bottom line: What I painfully learned about myself was that I had to "cut the cord," go through the pain, and live my life without taking into account the needs of the person I loved. Your boyfriend is in God's hands--he is no longer your responsibility. And, frankly, part of what he needs to learn is the lesson of trusting God in his discernment, and also trusting that God will provide for him if discernment doesn't work out. He needs that uncertainty.

And, you need to learn to build a life without him, even if you don't want to. Life does that to us sometimes. If it happens that in two years your boyfriend decides not to go to seminary, he is going to have to court you again, to prove himself, and prove to you that he loves you unconditionally, so that you can feel safe in loving him unconditionally. But, just as you are saving sex for your future husband, you also need to reserve that "spousal" love for your future husband, as well. Because that level of loving needs a security that your boyfriend can't give you right now, even if he wishes he could.

I've used too many words in an attempt to make sense. But, think about it. The idea of reserving your whole self for marriage--both sex and unconditional love--is one I can't remember anyone ever telling me. And, I think many people do it instinctively, and don't "love too much" for the particular circumstances. But, I think that you and I may be similar in that way. We have a lot of love to give, so sometimes we give too much and we get hurt.

I'll be praying for you, whatever you decide. I also think your idea to try medications, at least for now, is a good one. It's not forever, just to get you through a hard time. I was married to a clinical psychologist for many years, and I have seen the benefits of both therapy and psychological medications, when used the right way. So, if you have any medication questions, I can probably help with answers, as well as direct you to some other resources.

I know this sounds lame, but "Hang in there!" If you can do that, for right now, you're doing very well.
[/quote]
Excellently said. This post helped a lot in my own situation. You're my favorite!

[erianana07]

I have read through this thread and it helped me clear out my mind. I'm going through the same thing right now and it's very recent (just last week).

My boyfriend and I have had a very interesting relationship. I saw him on the summer of 2010, it was just a "hi/hello" encounter. The next summer of 2011, I saw him during an interview for a volunteering program for the entire summer. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him walked in. He didn't like me at that time though. We didn't really get to see each other as much as I wanted. I saw him again the next summer of 2012 where I realized my feeling was still didn't fade. We started talking and seeing each other a lot when his aunt and a family friend of mine (who used to be a nun) started a religious and Filipino oriented youth group. I liked him but I tend to get really shy that I kinda ignore the person I like so we didn't get to know each other that well. I had to force myself to stop liking him and forget about my feelings when I thought he liked another girl and was dating her. I turned to start getting attracted to this other person who was in our group. That guy diverted my attention toward him. Meanwhile, I had no idea that he had like me for a long time already since the youth group started. He confessed to me during Christmas of 2012 through a collection of poems he wrote for me. We started to talk and got close pretty fast. I got the courage to express my feeling for him too. Because my dad is very strict, we were afraid to make it official. So I guess we were like "friends with benefits" but we were very sincere with our feelings and we both fell in love more than we expected we will. My whole year(2013) has been the most happiest and memorable year of my life where I had tried many "first times" with him. I love him tremendously and I know he feels the same too. We had our ups and downs too but we promised to each other that no matter what we will never give up on each other and we will continue to work on our relationship together under God's guidance. He is a very romantic, kind, sincere, thoughtful, smart, talented, funny, popular, and a "perfect" guy God has given to me. The only issues we get into usually was just him being busy with school and his activities and me getting jealous over little things(esp towards that girl I thought he liked back then) haha.
Anyway, just last week God has given our relationship a very hard test. My boyfriend told me after visiting the seminary that he wants to go there and he feels like he is being called. (we are both in our senior year of high school). When he told me that, I felt that everything just fell apart and I thought I would lose him. I had a rough night where I cried the whole night and didn't get to sleep and couldn't go to school the next day. I texted him that it's better if we break up rather than prolong it and get hurt even more later on. He said he's just following God's plan. If he's being called to priesthood he will try to get himself close to that by going to the seminary or if he is blessed with a life with me then it'll be great. Anyway, when I told him I want to break up he didn't let me and begged me to stay and that he sees no reason to end it. Honestly, it killed me when I told him I want to break up because that's not what my heart is saying, my mind is telling me the best way to not get hurt is leave him. However, later on, I got to clear my mind and I've come to a decision that I will continue and fight for this relationship. I won't give up till he will tell me first hand he's goin to be a priest officially. But I'm scared because I know it's going to be a hard path we're taking. I'll just trust God with his plans for both of us and our relationship. I'll keep praying and hoping. He also told me that he will just continue continue loving me and go to college. I told him though that I won't stop him from going to the seminary or even priesthood. That I'll give him the freedom to do what he wants and decide what's best for him. He said he can't make a decision because both decision hurts and it requires him to sacrifice things that's important to him. He's really confuse so I gave him the time and space to think things over. We didn't talk or see each other for about 3 days and suddenly he texted me asking how I've been and that he misses me and that he's sorry for everything. Right now, I'm still kinda confuse on where we are at the moment in our relationship. He's acting like the normal boyfriend he is and calling me babe and stuff. I'm not sure anymore but I am sure that I love him still an I don't want to lose him. And we are going to prom next week. Let's see what will happen in this relationship.

I just thought I should share this to all of you. :)

[erianana07]

Oh and he asked me to be his girlfriend early this year and both our parents know and they're okay with it :D

[tinytherese]

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html

[maximillion]

I am sorry to say this Erianana but I think this stinks!

 

He is either serious in his discernment, in which case you are a possible distraction, or he is serious about you. If he really is not prepared to follow where Jesus is leading he is wanting his cake and eat it too.

 

I know this is very hard and that is why you want to carry on, but I think both of you are being dishonest with each other. How are you going to feel if he does eventually go in the seminary. You gave all the intervening time to him, closed yourself off to others for what? 

 

I also see little in your post about what you think God's will is in all of this.......

 

What do you think is God's will for you? How are you discerning that? Who have you discussed this with other than your friends...have you talked to anyone spiritually minded?

 

I feel for you because you are clearly very attached to this guy. I would suggest you get real, let God in, and try and follow what God wants, not what your so called boyfriend or you want.

[marigold]

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html

Exactly what I thought of, too!

[erianana07]

@Maximilion:
Don't be sorry:) This is why I came here to get others' opinion aside from my own.

I know my boyfriend is in the state of confusion right now. I feel like he does want to go to the seminary but his family and I are holding him back. And I mean his parents want him to think about it more and just go through college first. While for me, he doesn't want to lose me and hurt me. He said he's trying to find peace but he's feeling of being called is just getting him trouble and unsettleness. I do agree that I'm just a distraction to him. That's why I am willing to let go and give him the freedom. I told him that but he still wants to continue our relationship. That's why I'm very confuse and afraid. I actually want him to go to the seminary as soon as he can because I want him to see for himself if it's for him. Right now, we still need to talk about it more and be completely honest to each other.

If ever God will him to enter the seminary then I won't stop him. I'll wait for him though as long as I can but I know I can't make promises. I plan to continue my life and learn to live on my own without depending on him and not to expect much that we'll end up together. He did say that he knows if God wills us to spend our life together then no matter what God will bring us together in the end.

And no I haven't talked to anyone who is spiritually minded. Honestly, it just happened recently that I haven't told anyone much about it.

[maximillion]

It must be incredibly difficult for you, E......

 

I still think he is the one who needs to be clearer, he can't expect for you to string along and maybe even fall totally in love with him while he is 'waiting to see'.

 

I am also wondering, has he spoken with anyone at the Seminary about this relationship ? What does his spiritual director think? And as for not wanting to hurt you, I just think this is a bit silly on his part. What, you won't be MORE hurt later on when he dumps you? Having, of course the perfect excuse in that he can say he was honest with you all along......

There is something a little untrustoworthy in that I don't like.

 

My advice would be that you both call a halt on this relationship here and now, to give both of you some time and space. 

He needs to talk with his spiritual advisor or someone at the seminary and you can learn a few things about coping without him if that is what has to be the long term outcome.

Either way, if God wants you together then a short period apart won't alter that.

 

I also think it would be good for you to assert yourself a little and say what your reality is and what you want.

 

If a person discerning RL is not at peace, then for me that is a sign that something somewhere is not quite right.

 

My prayers for you both......

[AnneLine]

I think I agree with Maximillion here, Erianana07.   And I can talk with some authority since both my husband and I had discerned religious life and then AFTER we were both very clear this was not what God wanted from us, discerned with each other.  

 

If God is calling either of you, that call should be the first thing that is discerned.  Because if the call is there, and it is not followed, it will eat at a person for years to come.   It is much like dating someone who is already in love with someone else... it's just not a good idea.

 

Additionally, if God is calling him to the priesthood, it is imperative that he learn to NOT foster romantic relationships with women..  Any women.  Friendships, yes, with all sorts of people... but the kind that lead to a romantic situation, not at all.   Because the temptations on priests (and sisters) are there all the time... because it can be lonely as a priest.  That lonliness is part of the package.   If he cannot deal with it, any seminary and any director would tell him he is headed in the wrong direction.  But he has to experience the aloneness to know.   You arent helping him to make that decision if you are putting him in a situation where he has both things going on.

 

AND as Max pointed out, it's not healthy for you as well.  I waited a NUMBER of years for Mr. AL to finish his discernment....and it is part of the reason we were never able to have children.  If you want marriage and children, you need to open yourself up to looking for the person who is looking for the same thing.

 

IF he has not spoken with his seminary director and/or a spiritual director about this, it would make me very worried.   For his vocation AND for his ability to be free-enough to act on a possible relationship with you.  It really is like being engaged and then going dating.  It is just.... not OK.

 

I hope you don't feel like we are ganging up on you, but we are concerned for both of you.

 

I will hold you in prayer, both of you.  

[arfink]

As a former seminarian who discerned out and is now engaged, your BF needs a swift kick in the pantaloons if he thinks he can discern priesthood with a girlfriend on the side. He's going to hurt you very badly if he tries and himself as well. And if he goes to seminary and you're still in his life, the other seminarians will probably put him in concrete shoes and chuck him in the river.

Edited May 13, 2014 by arfink

[AugustineA]

Coming from a protestant background, I'm always surprised by this sense of discernment culture that's sprung up where people make big announcements, go to seminary, date, think about it, spend years on retreats, debate the merits of different orders and types of religious life.. I've thought about it, but quietly, and won't be inquiring after any young ladies as a result.. 

 

It's a funny catch 22, the girls I'm attracted to are usually nun-material, but I'd rather they go ahead and become nuns. 

[arfink]

Coming from a protestant background, I'm always surprised by this sense of discernment culture that's sprung up where people make big announcements, go to seminary, date, think about it, spend years on retreats, debate the merits of different orders and types of religious life.. I've thought about it, but quietly, and won't be inquiring after any young ladies as a result.. 

 

It's a funny catch 22, the girls I'm attracted to are usually nun-material, but I'd rather they go ahead and become nuns. 

 

I'm a cradle Catholic coming from a moderately traditional parish where vocational discernment is a constant topic, and I think it's strange too. ;) I don't think it's just you.