Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='15 June 2010 - 05:58 PM' timestamp='1276642731' post='2129545']
Thank you both. I feel like I am handling this TERRIBLY. He told me about his discernment/ended our relationship 2 months ago, and I am still crying about it almost every day. I wish I could make my heart act according to what makes sense in my head. I know that nothing is decided yet, I shouldn't worry about our future or what decision he will come to because God is holding us both through all of it, but I am too often overwhelmed by how much things have changed, how different my life is now from last summer, and how empty I feel when I consider all of the things that may never be again.

I know he told me not to think of it that way, not to launch myself into the throes of heartbreak when right now I am in a holding pattern, but it seems almost impossible not to.

I wish I was better at loving.
And I wish I understood what is going on in his heart.

[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/sadder.gif[/img]
[/quote]

Tink--I've been thinking about you a lot, and how awful you must feel a lot of the time. I've been through several break-ups in my lifetime, and "awful" is the only way to describe them. Some people are able to slip in and out of relationships with no problem. I am not one of those people, and it sounds like you aren't either.

It sounds to me as if you are very good at loving, but maybe better at loving others than taking care of yourself. I had some thoughts similar to Organwerke's but let me see if I can put them in a different way.

One of the few bits of wisdom I have picked up over the years is that the kind of love you have for your boyfriend is good love and pure love, but probably only belongs in marriage (or at least, betrothal). When we get married, or when we have children, we are making a vow to make our spouse's or children's needs equal to or more important than ours, and make whatever sacrifices are necessary.

But, you are not married. It is almost as if you have taken on the sacrifices of marriage without the guarantees and security that go along with the marriage vow.

Your boyfriend is obviously a good person, and the last thing he wants is to hurt you. Even though it was hard for you to hear, he was honest with you about his possible vocation--some guys would have waited much longer, to the point that when they told you it would be a total shock. And, you obviously mean a lot to him, because he still wants to be close friends with you.

But, because you aren't married, you and God have to work together to take care of you and to safeguard your feelings. I'll share with you what I found out for myself, and, if you can, try living with this idea a bit, before dismissing it.

Like you, I found myself, more than once, loving with a "married level" of love, when I wasn't married. (BTW--I'm not talking about sex--simply emotional feelings.) And, I found, that for me, I couldn't be "good friends" with a guy I had loved, but who wasn't available, as your boyfriend is not "available" right now because he is discerning religious life. Usually the guy couldn't understand why I couldn't be friends, because his feelings worked differently.

Unlike marriage, your boyfriend now has two "loves"--you and God. (At least it's not another woman!) Discernment is a good thing. But, part of the price your boyfriend will have to pay if he eventually goes into seminary, and probably needs to pay in discernment as well, is that in giving his life to God, he will give up the possibility of the love of a woman the way you love him. (And again, I'm talking about love--not at all about sex.) In a sense, in your boyfriend's discernment, he is in "courtship" with God, working to determine if he will make God the first love in his life.

You obviously love deeply, and will make a wonderful wife. But, right now, there is a "third person--God" in your relationship, and you can't love in the unconditional way you want to love unless the love is equal between you and your boyfriend. Right now, your boyfriend has new responsibilities. He is being called on to listen to God, to try to discern God's will.

That means that you cannot be expected, and for your mental health shouldn't, give your boyfriend the kind of unconditional love you want to give him. You've tried being friends with your boyfriend, but no matter how you try, it is tearing you apart.

For me, at least, if I found myself loving a man who wasn't available, I had to make a "clean break" and not communicate with him at all, in any way. At first, the hurt was unbelivable. But, right now, your first responsibility is NOT your boyfriend--it is you. It's not selfish to put your needs first when you are single--particularly when trying to meet your boyfriend's needs is tearing you apart.

And, your boyfriend needs to realize that, if he feels he needs to discern a religious vocation, that means he can't have a relationship with you. He has to pay a price for choosing God. Right now, you don't know whether your boyfriend will be there for you in two years or not, but he knows that if his religious vocation is not right, that he still has you. Just as you have had to step off a cliff of not knowing what will happen with your boyfriend, with no "back-up plan," your boyfriend needs to experience that, too in his courtship with God. But, as long as you are there ready to meet every need, there is no "test" of his vocation--he is set in his life whichever way he goes. He needs that uncertainty in order to learn to trust God, just as you are learning now how to trust God without your boyfriend's support.

Right now you are not interested in other men, and that is natural. But, your boyfriend needs to realize that if he is not ready to commit to you now, that means that if he decides not to pursue a vocation, in two years you may have moved on and you may not be there for him. Neither you or nor he knows what will happen to either of you in the next two years.

Bottom line: What I painfully learned about myself was that I had to "cut the cord," go through the pain, and live my life without taking into account the needs of the person I loved. Your boyfriend is in God's hands--he is no longer your responsibility. And, frankly, part of what he needs to learn is the lesson of trusting God in his discernment, and also trusting that God will provide for him if discernment doesn't work out. He needs that uncertainty.

And, you need to learn to build a life without him, even if you don't want to. Life does that to us sometimes. If it happens that in two years your boyfriend decides not to go to seminary, he is going to have to court you again, to prove himself, and prove to you that he loves you unconditionally, so that you can feel safe in loving him unconditionally. But, just as you are saving sex for your future husband, you also need to reserve that "spousal" love for your future husband, as well. Because that level of loving needs a security that your boyfriend can't give you right now, even if he wishes he could.

I've used too many words in an attempt to make sense. But, think about it. The idea of reserving your whole self for marriage--both sex and unconditional love--is one I can't remember anyone ever telling me. And, I think many people do it instinctively, and don't "love too much" for the particular circumstances. But, I think that you and I may be similar in that way. We have a lot of love to give, so sometimes we give too much and we get hurt.

I'll be praying for you, whatever you decide. I also think your idea to try medications, at least for now, is a good one. It's not forever, just to get you through a hard time. I was married to a clinical psychologist for many years, and I have seen the benefits of both therapy and psychological medications, when used the right way. So, if you have any medication questions, I can probably help with answers, as well as direct you to some other resources.

I know this sounds lame, but "Hang in there!" If you can do that, for right now, you're doing very well.

Edited June 17, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[Guest KimberLee]

Please update me on how you are doing.
I understand that its been a year later. But i am going through the same thing. i need help. as much as i can get. this pain is to much for me to bear alone.
i have been dating what i know is the love of my life for 7 months now. in the beginning of our relationship he was discerning religious life. not so much the priesthood, but religious life nonetheless. it was hard for me to know that at any moment he could change his mind and say that we werent meant to be. but the thing is is that i am so SURE of him. never in the 7 months that i have dated him have i ever been not SURE. i dont know how else to explain it. so you can understand that i was in pure joy on the day that he told me that i was his vocation. it was such a beautiful thing to experience. we were sitting in the car just talking after mass, i dont even remember what we were talking about, and suddenly he just... changed. his face lit up and it was like he was receiving this signal or sign from someone that neither of us could see. and his eyes started tearing up and after asking him what was wrong, he just said "its you. i know its you." i screamed so loud and laughed for so long because finally all of the uncertainty was just over. i never felt pure JOY until that moment knowing that god granted me one of the only things i think i have ever wanted in my life.
but it only lasted about 4 more months. yesterday he told me that while he was at a wedding this past saturday, he kept trying to visualize us up at the altar, and all he could think of was celebrating the marriage as the priest.
and he has been thinking about it ever since.
yesterday was horrible because we both just sat on the couch and cried out of frustration because i know that he wants it to be me as much as i want it to be me. so why is god doing this to me now?! im so angry at him because life just seemed perfect. Jimmy and I have obviously had our ups and downs, what with chastity and fighting, but i never had the feeling that we were going to break up over that.
now to just imagine life without him after this time is too painful. i am still sure that we are meant to be together. ive never waivered in that feeling. i just KNOW. its not something that i can explain. but it hurts me so bad to think that he doesnt feel the same way after all. he is still leaning towards me, but its just that he finds that kind of life attractive. and i see how he could and a small part of me is excited for him and happy that he feels the way he does! but why does it have to be at my expense?
we are not broken up. but my circumstances make this so much harder. this fall i will be a sophomore at george mason university in virginia but my family lives in kentucky. four days ago i was told that i had been laid off my job because they needed to cut hours. Last hired first fired and all that. so tomorrow i will be leaving and wont see him for a little over two months. at first i thought that time away from each other was going to be a blessing and help us in so many ways. now i dont want to leave but i have no choice.
im so thankful to have found your posts. i have been reading them in despair and hope. i just need to know how your story ended. please

[ImageTrinity]

I haven't been on PM in 5-6 years, but I hopped on today and had to respond to this thread!

When I met my now husband 5 years ago, I was the one discerning religious life. Although it was painful for him, he gave me the freedom to discern and asked only that I remain open to the Lord's will. Honestly, I was so fixed on religious life that it was HARD for me to consider that it might not be God's calling. When I finally opened up to the possibility of marriage some three years later, my husband found himself called to discern the priesthood more seriously (he had always been open, just not actively pursuing). It was the hardest few months of my life to really let go of the man I love and allow God to work in his heart...it was also an incredibly blessed time. As I sat in front of the Lord crying out my frustration and fear, He taught me that His Love for my husband and myself was more pure and more perfect than anything I could image. God's plans are perfect and I had to learn the hard way to really trust. Ultimately, we found our call to married love humbled by our struggles and strengthened in trust.

My husband's openness to the priesthood has born tremendous fruit in our married life...he takes his vocation to be priest of our domestic church VERY seriously.

One more thing to keep in mind...even as a married woman, I am called to make God the first love of my life. I am called to love the Lord more than my husband or our children (1st baby is on the way!), not to divide my heart but to unite our hearts. Every good and perfect love comes from God, and I can only love my husband as I should when I love the Lord first. When we were discerning, I prayed, "Help me to love this man as You love him, and desire him as You desire him." I pray for the same purification of my heart now!

[faithcecelia]

Oh bless you all, its so hard isn't it? I really feel for you all and will be praying for you.

I was on holiday with my then boyfriend, on the holiday where we were going to get engaged, when I realised that God was calling was calling me to be His (it was a few months later before I knew clearly that it was to be as an enclosed nun). Ending the relationship was awful. My boyfriend was devastated and I felt terrible, I couldn't even explain to him why as I didn't know clearly myself at that point. The pain I felt was phenominal and I can only imagine how he felt.

It took a long time, but after about 3mths without contact we resumed the daily chats and emails that we had had for years - even well before we became 'us'. When I finally told him I was going to be a nun he said he already knew. We were quickly best friends again and still are. He visited me in Carmel and confided in me that he is now discerning his own vocation, although in his case, for a number of reasons, it is proving a long slow process. When it all went pearshaped for me there was no question who I was going to call to come and get me - it had to be him. I lived with him for 3months, the 3 most painful months of my life. He sat up with my when I cried all night and listened as I talked in circles for hours on end. He is now my sounding board as I continue discernment, now with a different Carmel.

Whatever the calling, these relationships can work out - maybe not the way you expected or hoped, but the love can continue.

God bless you xx

[FutureSister2009]

For the longest time, I believed my Vocation was marriage as well. But God has convinced me otherwise. I am sure God has a plan for you too. He will reveal it to you when the time is right. I remember when the DSMME were on Oprah and one of the Sisters had a boyfriend before she entered. They were about to get engaged when she found her call. She said God takes care of everything because her ex boyfriend was going to be Ordained a Priest the year she takes her final vows. So you never know. Praying for you.

[organwerke]

I understand it is painful but we should remember that engagement is a period of discernment too.
There are people who break an engagement not only to pursue religious life, but also because they feel thei girlfriend/boyfriend is not the right person, and later they find another.
I know it is painful but it is also important to realize that a person cannot live marriage well if doesn't feel happy in it. Marriage is a choice that must be done with free will.

[Guest KimberLee]

thank you so much for your support to those of you who have responded to my thread. an update!!!
god certainly works in mysterious ways, but ill never complain again about his means! (ok that might not be entirely true down the line but you know what i mean! ) my boyfriend and i had tried to talk it out but the end result was that both of us became too emotional. but something happened again when we were both in complete denial and agony over the situation... the same thing happened in my living room that had happened in the car that night.... he changed. in that single instant, just like the last time, it was as if someone knocked him upside the head and was like "what are you DOING!" he claims that it was something i said that made him realize, but i dont quite remember what it was.
from that point on he has never wavered in the idea of marraige. he is now more vocal about it than i am. it seems as if the idea of a future together has given him the spark he needs to not only do well in school, but getting a job as well as trying to attend holy hour and mass everyday. and after much conversation we did agree that if he wanted to become a deacon after we are married than he is more than welcome to do so. i encourage him to do so. he is just slightly frustrated at the timeline of things. but we are both so young, that time seems always to be against us, but not in the sense that we are running out of it. its actually kinda the other way around. i am turning 20 and he is turning 23. but if too much time is the only thing i have to complain about in order to be with him for the rest of my life, i will take it. ill take it all.
god's will be done

[carmenchristi]

KimberLee, that's amesome! Actually reading this thread I got the impression that the two of you really are meant to be together. It's really cool too that he wants to be a permanent deacon. This trial, I'm sure will have only made you stronger. I'm sure it pleases God that you would both want to give Him precedence and spend time apart for discernment. He will bless you for that!


[quote name='LaboureSociety' timestamp='1276529117' post='2128527']
You wouldn't believe how common this is. I know women, who have had this happen with three or four men in their lives! It gets easier each time. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif[/img] The good news, is that when this happens, it usually means your relationship with God is growing in and/or through your relationship with each other -and that is something about which to be VERY excited and thankful!

The best thing, is to just tell Our Lord over and over, "He's yours Lord, not mine. Do with him what you will." It won't be easy at first, but try, even if it's just a small part of you that is acquiescing at first. It will become easier and...

You'll hardly believe how much peace this will bring you! Why? Because it's the simple truth, an act of love and trust in Our Lord, and he will honor you and send you his peace and blessings in return.

BLESS YOU!
[/quote]


Funny you say that. My ex-boyfriend left me to become a priest. He was in and out of the seminary for a while, but left in the end. Instead, I entered the convent and stayed. I talk to him every so often, and he tells me that he has dated 5 girls who have all entered the convent. I believe he is still looking for a wife

[Guest PrettyDamsel]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here and I chanced upon this post. I, too am going to the same ordeal. My boyfriend (a former seminarian) of 7 months suddenly admitted to me that he still feels strongly about priesthood. Like Ting, I felt like I was stabbed by a knife that kept on turning. But after talking to wise people and mentors, I have found my peace because I know that it may not be meant to be. I was his first girl friend and he was my 4th. I was in the state of looking for a man to marry while he is just trying the dating thing. He had always been a church boy ever since. He would volunteer and lead people in the church even at a young age..

Today, he is a preacher in our church, but he seems to be dissatisfied about being "just" a layman, for him being a priest is so prestigious, he wants to give the sacraments and be able to do confessions.

This I've learned throughout my experience. Before entering a relationship, one must talk about the state of their lives and their calling first before going deeper. You must first identify if you are at the same page, so as to guard both of your hearts.

Also, stop dreaming of marrying a person who's life long dream is to become a priest because if you do end up marrying him, all marital problems will still go back to "I should have become a priest" scenario. So, Praise God, as early as now. I've learned to let go of this man.. And the best thing I can do is to pray for him to finally clear his mind and realize his calling.

To all the women going through this.. I vow to be a source of light to them and I know that these wounds I have right now will heal in time and it will heal someone else. May God use me and give me the abilities to help women in the same situation.

May God be glorified! God bless us all!

I'd love to hear from you! Please reply to my post!

[Lisa]

[quote name='PrettyDamsel' timestamp='1320191113' post='2329995']
And the best thing I can do is to pray for him to finally clear his mind and realize his calling.
[/quote]

PrettyDamsel- Welcome to PM! Your experience will undoubtedly be a support to people on this site. I pulled this quote because I think it's particularly apt. Whenever we feel the least in-control, that's when we need to just pray for that person

[somethingfishy]

[quote name='PrettyDamsel' timestamp='1320191113' post='2329995']
he seems to be dissatisfied about being "just" a layman, for him being a priest is so prestigious, he wants to give the sacraments and be able to do confessions
[/quote]

Um, wow. Red flag. If a man wants to be a priest for reasons of power and prestige... that's not a good man. Not a man I want as either priest or spouse, for that matter. I doubt you'd want a husband who is dissatisfied with his calling to love you, ambitious after something more "prestigious."

[LadyOfSorrows]

I am dating a former seminarian, and let me mention...it is difficult! While I am more vocal about my confusion in discernment, he has mentioned too that feelings for the priesthood haven't completely diminished. We are doing all we can to discern whether we are called to each other in marriage, or in religious life and priesthood. The good thing is, we both 100% support each other in discerning our personal calls...but goodness, I'm sure when the day comes for a decision, it will be terribly difficult.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Wow, I just read through this whole thread, prayers for both Tink and KimberLee.

[Guest PrettyDamsel]

[quote name='somethingfishy' timestamp='1320242316' post='2330234']

Um, wow. Red flag. If a man wants to be a priest for reasons of power and prestige... that's not a good man. Not a man I want as either priest or spouse, for that matter. I doubt you'd want a husband who is dissatisfied with his calling to love you, ambitious after something more "prestigious."
[/quote]
Hi Lurker,

You know what? You're right. However, maybe I was a bit harsh on putting it. But it is definitely a red flag. But I don't know what's going on in his heart or mind right now so I can not judge him. We haven't seen or talked to each other for 2 weeks now. I don't want to see him or talk to him, just so I can move on with my life. And so far, I'm doing it well because I've been busy with work. The problem is we are going to have a photo shoot together next week (Saturday) because we are columnists of a catholic magazine for "tweens", we write in a Q&A section wherein we give advice to young boys and girls. This is quite awkward for me. How should I act guys? We are friends but I don't want him to think that everything's OK, because, he still hurt me. What do you think?

Last year, we did the same photo shoot and that was the reason that we got together and he fell in love with me. I can't help but wonder what would happen this time around. Should I just ignore him? Don't talk much? Please help.

I think I'm slowly falling out of love... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

[organwerke]

[quote name='PrettyDamsel' timestamp='1320406180' post='2331204']
Hi Lurker,

You know what? You're right. However, maybe I was a bit harsh on putting it. But it is definitely a red flag. But I don't know what's going on in his heart or mind right now so I can not judge him. We haven't seen or talked to each other for 2 weeks now. I don't want to see him or talk to him, just so I can move on with my life. And so far, I'm doing it well because I've been busy with work. The problem is we are going to have a photo shoot together next week (Saturday) because we are columnists of a catholic magazine for "tweens", we write in a Q&A section wherein we give advice to young boys and girls. This is quite awkward for me. How should I act guys? We are friends but I don't want him to think that everything's OK, because, he still hurt me. What do you think?

Last year, we did the same photo shoot and that was the reason that we got together and he fell in love with me. I can't help but wonder what would happen this time around. Should I just ignore him? Don't talk much? Please help.

I think I'm slowly falling out of love... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
[/quote]

I think one of the keys of your situation lays in what you say in your first post:

[quote]But after talking to wise people and mentors, I have found my peace because I know that it may not be meant to be. I was his first girl friend and he was my 4th. I was in the state of looking for a man to marry while he is just trying the dating thing. He had always been a church boy ever since. He would volunteer and lead people in the church even at a young age..

Today, he is a preacher in our church, but he seems to be dissatisfied about being "just" a layman, for him being a priest is so prestigious, he wants to give the sacraments and be able to do confessions.[/quote]

You are his first girlfriend while he is your 4th. This makes a big difference in my opinion, between your way of living the relationship and his way.
I don't know why your previous relationships ended, but, even if I know it is difficult and painful for you, you should try to understand that he maybe needs to experience what you have already experienced, realizing, also through you, that his project of life is somewhere else.
I don't know what you should do when you see you for taking the photo, but I think it is a good thing that you're slowly falling out of love. I'd also suggest this to you: don't try to do anything with him until he returns to you explicitly telling that he has decided that he doesn't desire to become a priest anymore, and if this does not happen, well, it probably wasn't meant to be.