Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Tink' date='11 May 2010 - 01:47 PM' timestamp='1273549620' post='2108491']
Thank you for your words. They are painful, especially since you are absolutely correct in saying that I was selfish in not allowing him to move forward freely. I hope that he knows how sorry for that I am, though I never told him. I have been blinded by my affection for him and selfish in my pursuit of it. I feel like Anakin in Star Wars Episode III, unable to see past his selfish desire to hold on to Padme, even to the point of turning to the dark side in order to "save" her because he "can't live without her." I hadn't realized how asking those questions and continuing to show him the state of my heart made it impossible for him to be completely open to God's call. While I don't think it was entirely one-sided (that is, he does love me and want to be with me and he does want to be able to show his affection for me), I know I made it worse. I feel horrible about it.

The things you have said hurt deeply, but this is what I need and I absolutely appreciate you taking the time to write out so many responses. I need a solid plan for how to move forward, how to handle this ache and be able to get through my day productively (today all I got done was taking a shower, putting away clean clothes, cleaning off the top of my dresser, and watching 3 episodes of the Office). Your remedy is one that I will try earnestly to put into practice. I think I will print out this most recent post and carry it with me, so that I can remind myself of all of these things frequently.

You have been a blessing to me in this time, Nunsense. Really. Thank you again.

Tomorrow I may fall apart again, but I will do so with purpose... with resolve. I will keep you all updated, as I must. I need as much community as possible right now. You are all amazing for reading my continued posts and putting up with my repetitiveness.
[/quote]


Don't worry about bothering us, we're a phamily here. We may not all agree on everything but then what family does? But I have found that this is a good place to come lick your wounds when things get tough. I don't know if it helps at all but I try to see life as a tapestry full of light and dark colors, joy and pain. Someone once told me that the real problem is that we are seeing the tapestry from the bottom and it looks messy and unlovely, but one day we will see it from the top and finally see the beautiful picture that God has created.

By the way, getting up and having a shower is a fantastic step! Sometimes when people are grieving, this doesn't happen for ages. Good girl! You have more strength than you know. And what's wrong with watching the Office? Nothing. Be kind to yourself right now. Your efforts are Herculean and God is most pleased whenever we do violence to our own self-will for His sake. Wasn't it St Therese who said that He isn't as concerned with our results as He is with our efforts? Sure, you will have some setbacks, that's only human, but don't beat yourself up about that, just keep trying. Remember how much you are loved.

You have a lot of people praying for you right now.

[Tink]

Please keep praying.

In January, I decided I wanted to transfer to Notre Dame since I already spend all my time there anyway, and the only way to get in is for me to take several required courses during the summer and fall. However, I'm running into huge roadblocks with the math department because I never took Precalc in high school, I can't test into Calculus, but I have to have it in order to transfer. So the only solution is to take Chem AND Pre-calc in Summer I and then take Calc in summer II. That's like taking 14 credit hours. As the head of the Math department said, I "shouldn't plan on anything else to do during the summer" if I do that. However, I just started a photography business last year and have weddings booked 3 Saturdays in a row, right in the beginning of Summer I.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can handle that much stuff. All I want to do is call Jason right now and hear him tell me that it will be okay and help me figure out where to go from here. All I want is my best friend to hold me and tell me I'll get in, I shouldn't worry, everything will work out. I can't talk to anyone, my family doesn't know what to do for me, none of my other friends know me as well as Jason does, understands my situation, or comforts me. I feel totally alone. I don't know what to do. I miss him so much.

I know the easy answer is to offer this to Christ, to Mary, those who understand how it feels to ache and be totally alone. I do these things, but I still feel totally alone. I feel like it's all going to fall apart: my future, my relationship with J, my chance at getting into ND and finding a real life connected to other people and immersed in solid, Catholic education. I feel like my life is disappearing, falling to pieces and there's nothing I can do.

This is why I can't just "be nice to myself" and give myself a week to relax and settle down and cope: I have too much to do, too many responsibilities. Jason was the one who always encouraged me and kept me chugging along.

I feel so alone. I don't know if I can do this. I have no one to talk to, all I want is my best friend.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Tink

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='11 May 2010 - 04:36 PM' timestamp='1273613804' post='2108935']
Please keep praying.

In January, I decided I wanted to transfer to Notre Dame since I already spend all my time there anyway, and the only way to get in is for me to take several required courses during the summer and fall. However, I'm running into huge roadblocks with the math department because I never took Precalc in high school, I can't test into Calculus, but I have to have it in order to transfer. So the only solution is to take Chem AND Pre-calc in Summer I and then take Calc in summer II. That's like taking 14 credit hours. As the head of the Math department said, I "shouldn't plan on anything else to do during the summer" if I do that. However, I just started a photography business last year and have weddings booked 3 Saturdays in a row, right in the beginning of Summer I.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can handle that much stuff. All I want to do is call Jason right now and hear him tell me that it will be okay and help me figure out where to go from here. All I want is my best friend to hold me and tell me I'll get in, I shouldn't worry, everything will work out. I can't talk to anyone, my family doesn't know what to do for me, none of my other friends know me as well as Jason does, understands my situation, or comforts me. I feel totally alone. I don't know what to do. I miss him so much.

I know the easy answer is to offer this to Christ, to Mary, those who understand how it feels to ache and be totally alone. I do these things, but I still feel totally alone. I feel like it's all going to fall apart: my future, my relationship with J, my chance at getting into ND and finding a real life connected to other people and immersed in solid, Catholic education. I feel like my life is disappearing, falling to pieces and there's nothing I can do.

This is why I can't just "be nice to myself" and give myself a week to relax and settle down and cope: I have too much to do, too many responsibilities. Jason was the one who always encouraged me and kept me chugging along.

I feel so alone. I don't know if I can do this. I have no one to talk to, all I want is my best friend.
[/quote]

Tink--I know how incredibly hard it is to lose your best friend--it happened to me, too, and I was MARRIED for 13 years. (We didn't split up because we didn't love each other.) So, I truly understand your pain.

We can give you ideas and support here, but you need someone physically closer who knows you personally. Does the school offer personal counseling? It's not that there is anything wrong with you emotionally--but lots of people need help going through a tough time.

Obviously you have to pick school versus your job for the summer. How badly do you need the money? If you need the money to live on, then you may not be able to go to Notre Dame as soon as you hoped. Or, if you can get by without the money, then live frugally, and work your academic brains out this summer.

What about academic counselors at your school? Maybe there is a third alternative that I don't know about. (One of my sayings in life is that there is ALWAYS a Plan B. Well, there is always a Plan C, too.) Some other way around the requirements, such as doing as much as you can this summer, then starting Notre Dame in a major where you can fill the requirements, then switch majors. Or, permanently find something you like as much as Math. Obviously, some of these suggestions are probably way off base because I don't know what I'm talking about.

So, an academic counselor for your school questions. And, a personal counselor for your emotional issues. (A spritual counselor may or may not be trained enough to deal with what you are going through emotionally right now.) There is no stigma to going to a personal counselor. Think of yourself as having a skin rash, and going to a skin doctor until it is under control.

Obviously there are friends, too, but it's tough. I found when I divorced that it took 3 or 4 people to do what my spouse had done for me. Each person could fulfill one need, but not the others.

Just remember--this is temporary. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. If you didn't feel like [male bovine excrement] that would mean your boyfriend didn't mean very much to you. But, right now, you have to be "selfish" and make sure your own needs are taken care of--they are JUST as important as your boyfriend's needs. When I got divorced, my friends had to keep reminding me that I need to think about myself first--it took awhile.

This is one period of what will be a very long life. Think of this emotional crisis as being like a "class." You are developing tools to strengthen yourself for whatever life throws at you. So, just as it's a pain to study for finals or to write papers, and requires self-discipline, you also have pain now, although it's a different type of pain. But, just as with school, you need to go out of your way to find the resources to help you (same as when you go to the library to help you write a paper), and then utilize them.

Hang in there!!! <hugs>

[Tink]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' date='11 May 2010 - 06:09 PM' timestamp='1273615768' post='2108981']
Tink--I know how incredibly hard it is to lose your best friend--it happened to me, too, and I was MARRIED for 13 years. (We didn't split up because we didn't love each other.) So, I truly understand your pain.
[/quote]


Thank you for your words. I don't know how you got through splitting up with someone you loved after 13 years. I can't imagine what the circumstances were, but I'm sure you were absolutely aching. I'm so sorry.

To clarify, I'm not a math major. I'm a former art major, now journalism major, transferring as an English major, which is why I never took the required math classes. But ND doesn't accept Precalc/Trig/Algebra as math classes, so in order to have the required 2 math classes to transfer, I have to take Finite and Calc. And my chances are better in the spring, so if I don't transfer in the spring I probably won't get in at all.

The problem is that I CAN'T give up my job. Not because I need the money, but because I am a wedding photographer and I've made commitments to shoot several weddings- May 29th, June 5th, and June 12th. I'm 2nd shooting the first and third one, which means that I literally just show up, take pictures and then copy my memory cards for the primary shooter to weed through and edit. And they're all on Saturdays, so they don't conflict directly with any classes. I'll do it. I'll try.

My family doesn't understand, either. I live with my grandparents, and, although they are very devout, they don't understand. They keep telling me that he told me about this a month ago, I shouldn't still be crying. They think I'm being ridiculous, that I'm not listening to any of the advice I've been getting from you guys because if I did, I wouldn't be a mess.

I don't want to think about what he's going to decide, I don't want to think of him not being a part of my life for possibly forever. Right now, all I am thinking about is getting through to tomorrow.

Thank you for replying, I know that I sound much less capable and in control of everything than I did in my first post a month ago. I feel like I'm deteriorating, not getting stronger. I never thought Jason and I would end up like this.

And I am going to find a shrink soon, I promise.

[Archaeology cat]

[MithLuin]

I hope things are going better, and that you're learning to cope. That's quite the ambitious summer program you have planned, so hopefully that will help you take your mind off things.

[Tink]

Hi. I wish I could share everything I've been learning. The Lord is doing lots lots lots.

I am still frequently afraid and anxious, but I have finished my consecration to the Blessed Mother and Jason is returning on either Monday or Tuesday. I can't believe I have gone without speaking to him for a month. By biggest fear now is not the possibility of the priesthood or what God is doing, but what the silence is doing. I fear his love for me will have faded or be forgotten, but I am holding on to hope and offering every fear and ache for his clarity and discernment.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers, I will update again sometime next week as I am certain much will change once he returns.

Oh, and I am handling the 14 hours of class a week just fine. It's tedious, but it keeps me busy and I am glad for it.

Edited June 4, 2010 by Tink

[kljoyce]

[quote name='Tink' date='04 June 2010 - 01:21 AM' timestamp='1275628880' post='2123531']
Hi. I wish I could share everything I've been learning. The Lord is doing lots lots lots.
I am still ...[/quote]

Hi =) I just read through all your posts on this topic, and I wanted to tell you two things:
1. I am praying for you and I hope you feel more peace every day. I am very sorry that you are going through this pain, and I hope it decreases a little bit every day.
2. I got an intense feeling that the Blessed Virgin is there for you and loves you in this upsetting time. This must sound silly I guess but I hope she helps you and comforts you even more than usual during this time. Often I have felt very comforted by her love, so I hope the rosary brings you extra peace.

If you ever want to talk about this or about other things to distract yourself, please write me. (I love to talk but have always wanted to be a Carthusian nun--but feel drawn to marriage instead.) Maybe if you like, you could try listening to religious classical music, or just medieval music to help feel better day to day. Or even maybe listen to Wagner/Romantic style music to help release emotions. I would also try to exercise to help feel better, or do yoga, which is often calming. In any case I hope for the best for you. Peace be with you.
=)!

[LaboureSociety]

You wouldn't believe how common this is. I know women, who have had this happen with three or four men in their lives! It gets easier each time. The good news, is that when this happens, it usually means your relationship with God is growing in and/or through your relationship with each other -and that is something about which to be VERY excited and thankful!

The best thing, is to just tell Our Lord over and over, "He's yours Lord, not mine. Do with him what you will." It won't be easy at first, but try, even if it's just a small part of you that is acquiescing at first. It will become easier and...

You'll hardly believe how much peace this will bring you! Why? Because it's the simple truth, an act of love and trust in Our Lord, and he will honor you and send you his peace and blessings in return.

BLESS YOU!

[Tink]

Hi. Thank you guys for keeping me in your prayers.

Here is where we are right now: J had a good, peaceful, but busy time at home. He was working 8 hours a day and in prayer ~5, and has realized that though he feels drawn to both marriage and the priesthood, he isn't worried about reaching a conclusion soon because he's got 2+ years before he graduates anyway. While at home, he had all sorts of serendipitous things happen to him, on both sides of the coin- involving an engagement ring store, an elderly couple at work asking if they should call him the priest when they heard he's from Notre Dame, seeing an old married couple receiving Communion together, etc. He became aware that God will bring Him an answer in time, and that we are called to simply live each day opening ourselves to His direction.

He told me that he knows discernment and dating aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but right now, he needs to be single, and he doesn't know how long that will last. He still has the desire to marry me, still loves me, but can't place himself on every path at once and right now he needs me as his best friend. Every day I am bombarded with memories, mostly of our time together in California, and it aches to think that all of that is over. J told me not to think of it that way; he said that just because he is standing next to the path I'm on doesn't mean he'll never get back on it, that the day might come when he discerns he is called to marriage and he and I are both ready to be in a relationship, but those things are in the future and are not for us to concern ourselves with now. He's asked me not to limit myself to the two polar options of "move on, get over him" and "hold on to him," but to pray "Thy will be done!" and trust that God is leading us both in Love. He said to open myself to whatever God has for me, and not worry about forcing myself to be anywhere but where God has me right now.

He has also apologized profusely for hurting me; He's said he's so sorry that he has to put me through this, sorry for promising things that he couldn't commit to, for not leading me the way he should have. In fact, he was on the verge of tears at one point.

He came back last Tuesday and we have seen each other twice this week, only a few hours each time. It is a big big big change to finally be just friends with this man I've loved for so long, but it has brought me to a very important place: being alone. I know I need to learn to be alone, need to learn to find my delight solely in the Lord so that when all else is dark, I am able to stand firm. I need to be in the desert for awhile, as painful as it is to not have the stability of the relationship I was in.

It CRAZY how much his outlook on spirituality and life has changed in the past 6 months. It's amazing. His thoughts are full of clarity and he seems to see things in light of eternity, where I still struggle with my little nearsighted heartaches over the loss of a dream.



Thank you for keeping up with this story, those of you who do. I appreciate your prayers and thoughts so much. I also saw a doctor and started medication for rapid cycling manic depression/anxiety yesterday. Hopefully this will help keep me a little more level so that my life doesn't feel like it's crashing down every 3 hours.

[organwerke]

Dear Tink I'm sorry for what you say but also happy to hear that you have learned so many things in this period.

Honestly I'm quite puzzled reading your words because I can't really understand the situation...it seems to me that it has many "strange" points.
I know I would hurt you if I said that it doesn't seem that your boyfriend really loves you, but this is the idea I got from your updates.
Maybe he doesn't consider that he is not the only one who has to make decisions for his life...does he think that you will do whatever he wants?
How can he think that he couldn't marry you (while you will be really happy at this idea) but at the same time he needs you as his best friend?
And, at the same time, that he prefers to be single now?
Does he consider that you have wishes too?

Sorry if I am rude...this is not my intention but I can't help thinking that this sounds quite selfish to me (of course I can be wrong since I don't know both of you personally).

Surely it is easy for persons who are not living the situation to speak, but, reading the whole story, honestly, if I were you, I think that I wouldn't be able to wait for his decisions but I would leave him myself.

Prayers for you.

[Tink]

[quote name='organwerke' date='15 June 2010 - 03:03 PM' timestamp='1276628591' post='2129362']
Dear Tink I'm sorry for what you say but also happy to hear that you have learned so many things in this period.

Honestly I'm quite puzzled reading your words because I can't really understand the situation...it seems to me that it has many "strange" points.
I know I would hurt you if I said that it doesn't seem that your boyfriend really loves you, but this is the idea I got from your updates.
Maybe he doesn't consider that he is not the only one who has to make decisions for his life...does he think that you will do whatever he wants?
How can he think that he couldn't marry you (while you will be really happy at this idea) but at the same time he needs you as his best friend?
And, at the same time, that he prefers to be single now?
Does he consider that you have wishes too?

Sorry if I am rude...this is not my intention but I can't help thinking that this sounds quite selfish to me (of course I can be wrong since I don't know both of you personally).

Surely it is easy for persons who are not living the situation to speak, but, reading the whole story, honestly, if I were you, I think that I wouldn't be able to wait for his decisions but I would leave him myself.

Prayers for you.
[/quote]



Well, to be honest, he is the only man I'm interested in right now, since I'm in love with him. So in a sense I am doing whatever he wants, because my feelings are consistent... he is the variable. There's not much I can do about the fact that he's discerning all this stuff. He isn't asking me to sit around and wait for his decision, he was saying that I should not preoccupy myself with the situation, that I should live life and wait for the Lord to work however He sees fit. Right now, we are just friends. He thinks he COULD marry me, but he could also be a priest, and the Lord hasn't made the decision clear yet.

What if he has considered my wishes? My wish is to be in a relationship, to marry him... but I know he's not ready and I know I'm not ready for those things, and so does he. What's he supposed to say, that he can't see me anymore?

He's not trying to have his cake and eat it too, he's made it clear that he cannot commit himself to a relationship right now, but I am his best friend and it would be a crime against Love to say 'no, you can't give me the relationship I want right now, I can't enjoy your company.'

I know J is trying to do what is best for me. He's asking me to leave it in the Lord's hands, to be open to other paths but not to despair at the thought of our relationship being over forever.

*sigh* I'm sorry if it seems like I'm defending him. I know he isn't trying to be selfish, he is trying to do what's best for me. I just don't think he knows what he wants.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Tink

[Lil Red]

tink, i've been reading this thread, and i just want to say that i think you are handling this with a lot of grace and maturity. i'm glad you have things to keep you busy, and I suggest keep at it! most cities/towns offer a lot of fun summer festivals, fairs, markets, and other fun events (that are usually free admission at least) - look into them and invite a friend to go with you. or go by yourself and learn how to be a friend to yourself. God bless you!

[stlmom]

Well said, Li'l Red!

[Tink]

Thank you both. I feel like I am handling this TERRIBLY. He told me about his discernment/ended our relationship 2 months ago, and I am still crying about it almost every day. I wish I could make my heart act according to what makes sense in my head. I know that nothing is decided yet, I shouldn't worry about our future or what decision he will come to because God is holding us both through all of it, but I am too often overwhelmed by how much things have changed, how different my life is now from last summer, and how empty I feel when I consider all of the things that may never be again.

I know he told me not to think of it that way, not to launch myself into the throes of heartbreak when right now I am in a holding pattern, but it seems almost impossible not to.

I wish I was better at loving.
And I wish I understood what is going on in his heart.