Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[jeffpugh]

[quote name='Tink' date='04 May 2010 - 02:17 AM' timestamp='1272953872' post='2104736']
So...

Re-reading Elizabeth Elliot's book Quest For Love has helped... or God used it to help. I felt a very strange peace today for the first time since all this happened. Miraculous timing, really.

Because as I was driving over to campus to spend time with him tonight, he found out that his grandpa (mom's dad) who was diagnosed with lung cancer last week just received his prognosis. He is at stage 3B/4, with a maximum life expectancy of 13 months.

Tonight, God needed me to be strong for someone other than myself.
[/quote]


You know, you can see that as God showing you that this is not more than you can handle.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Sacred Music Man

[MithLuin]

One of my ex's was a guy I was with for a long time (4+ years), and after we broke up, he went through a *really* tough time in his life. A man even died in his arms Anyway, through all of that, I was there for him as his 'best friend' because we were of course very close. That didn't make it any easier on him, and actually made it harder for him to get over me. Too often, he'd bring the conversation around to 'So, why did we break up again?' I'm not saying I should have ditched him when he really needed a friend, but I will say that I should have realized you can't try 'let's be friends' when you're still in love and want to be together. [He is now happily married and has a beautiful daughter.]

Long, lingering break ups are rough. You end up much more battered and hurt in the end than a nice clean break would be. I'm glad you've decided to go a month without talking at all - that will really help to give you some needed distance, so you won't feel like you have to go through a roller coaster of emotions every time you see him. If his discernment reaches the point where he's applying to orders or diocesan seminary, they'll likely demand that he cut off contact with you...but as you've said, that's several years down the road.

I know this kind of break is very up in the air, because you don't know if you'll be getting back together or breaking up at the end of this all. I'm sorry - I imagine that's a really rough place to be in, simply *not knowing*. Trusting and waiting can be very difficult. Hang in there!

I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but.... My sister is married, and her husband has been stationed in Afghanistan for the past 5 months. Hopefully, he'll come home this summer, but she doesn't know when. They've made their decision, their vocation is marriage, and they have two beautiful babies. But...that doesn't mean they get to be together right now.

[SstrAli]

Tink,

I have just read this post all the way through. . . I've never been in a situation like this, but you can be acertain of my prayers for you and for Jason.

Keep us updated.

Allie

[missionseeker]

hope you are doing well.

[Tink]

Hi guys.

Just a warning, none of the following thoughts are refined. They are probably selfish and weak, but I can't bother to censor my thoughts right now. I'm exhausted.

Yesterday was our last day together, our day to celebrate my birthday. Since we decided to forgo talking for 4 weeks, we opted to suspend our no holding hands/saying I love you/kisses on cheeks and hands policy. Basically, he seemed to put off beginning his discernment until he got home. So we spent the morning moving all his stuff out of his dorm and into storage/my car, had lunch, and then came to my house. My family goes out of town on the weekends so they let us have the house to ourselves... we spent the evening making dinner, watching episodes of Glee, playing piano, etc. I started tearing up as Kristin Chenoweth sang 'A House Is Not A Home' during a touching episode of Glee and he kissed me for the first time in two months. He said he just couldn't bear the thought of leaving me at the airport without giving me a kiss goodbye. Then we slow danced in my dining room to 3 of our favorite songs and ate the cake we baked. It was just.... perfect. Which makes our separation a thousand times more heart-wrenching, of course. I know y'all probably have a million things to say about how dangerous and unhealthy and unwise it was to spend the evening pretending this wasn't happening, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I drove him to the airport this morning, and couldn't park, just had a few minutes at the drop-off point... and I was a mess. I was weak and emotional (but J has been with me through quite a bit, so that's nothing new) and all I could get out as I sobbed into his chest was 'This is so good, I don't want it to be the end. I don't want it to be over. Don't let me go.' and he kissed me and said 'I hope this isn't the end, I don't want it to be the last time for any of this. I don't want to let you go. I love you with my whole heart.'

I know that despite all that fairytale stuff, he needs to discern this. I know he will. I feel (perhaps entirely in speculation) that Jason will discern that he is called to the priesthood and I will be forced to let go of every beautiful memory of the past year. It is so hard to grapple with the idea of not sharing my life with him. I thought that when God led me to someone who led me back to Him, who I led to Him, who is truly in love with me and seeks to serve the Lord with me, I would finally be allowed to hold on to them. I'd be allowed to trust my heart with them.

Right now, I am trying with everything in me to say 'Thy will be done' even though everything in my heart is aching for my own will. If surrendering was a matter of a physical act, of cutting off a limb or running ten miles in order to give it to the Lord, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But it's not. It is a matter of the heart, over which I feel very little control. I ache in the furthest reaches of my heart. I am afraid.

I know this entire post probably sounds incredibly juvenile/naive/foolish, but it is where I am. Some moments are better than others, but not much. I look forward to the distractions of summer school, photographing weddings and spending time with friends who are home for break.

Please forgive me for being so candid and un-holy. I am giving God all that I have, and right now that isn't very much.

So... tomorrow is Day 1. Pray for me.

[Archaeology cat]

I personally think God wants us to be so completely real with Him, to tell Him exactly how we feel and our hopes and fears, the way you're doing. I am praying for both of you.

[organwerke]

Dear Tink, I am really sorry for you!
I've been reading this thread since it began, and I thought a lot of things, but I haven't said nothing before.
This reminds me a very personal story, and this confirms me in two opinions I've always had, that I know are surely useless, and don't change your situation, but well, I will say them the same:

1. I strongly believe that, if possible, it is decisely better to do discernment before being engaged.

2. If a person realizes, during a relationship, that may have a vocation, I think it would be better to consider this though without involve the other part, and only speak when there is a definitive answer, and, in case this answer is "I am called by God", to cut off the relationship definitely and to follow the vocational path without delay. I know this may sound harsh, but I think it is much better and less painful, for all, to act so.

This is my personal opinion, of course, but, besides this, dear Tink, I pray for you, that you can afford this hard period.

[AccountDeleted]

Tink - I don't think you are being at all selfish or unholy about any of this but I certainly wonder at the actions of your friend who is playing both sides of the fence. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too. His comments that he hopes this is not the last time for any of this is astounding to me from someone who says he wants to be a priest. I don't see any signs of a religious vocation in him at all through this behavior.

As a friend, if he really was being throughtful about your feelings, he would have cut off all of this romanic stuff until after he had made a decision. All this does is to prolong the agony for you and to leave the door open to doubts and confusions on your part. It isn't fair to you and personally, I don't think it is a very nice thing for him to be doing to either you or God. This isn't a game but that's how he appears to be playing it. I'm sorry, but a real man would have cut off all the romance as soon as he felt "the calling" instead of spening one last romantic night with you before heading off. It was cruel. I know you can't see this because you love him, but his actions to you have hardly been those of selfless love on his part.

Try to imagine if he had told you that he thinks he might be in love with another woman. And then he spends a last romantic night with you before he goes off to see if he would rather live with her instead of you. Either he isn't "getting" this whole call to the priesthood thing, or I am seriously misunderstanding what is happening here.

You have done nothing wrong. You are being put in a completely untenable position and if he really loves you, he should be protecting you from this pain. I know you say you wouldn't have missed it for anything, but he shouldn't have done it. I apologize if I have hurt you but I don't understand his actions at all.

[Tink]

Honestly, this is mostly my fault. In the beginning, he broke up with me without telling me that he was discerning the priesthood. He wanted me to be able to move forward without being hampered by his discernment and without being stuck in limbo. But after several days of confusion and questions from me (I couldn't understand, and had several friends saying he must not be in love with me anymore), he admitted the reason for the breakup and the fact that he thinks he might want to be a priest. He is at the point where he would be happy in both lives- marriage or the priesthood- and he just wants to know what God wants for him. He said he just needs to come to a point where his heart can fully say 'yes' to one vocation or the other.

We tried cutting off all romantic ties- but I was weak. It hurt me more than I could handle to be near him but stifled, unable to interact with him the way I used to and treated like any other person in the room, and he hated to see me hurting (though I tried to hide it, he knows me like nobody's business). We tried doing it until the decision to not speak for 4 weeks was made. Per the suggestion of a friend, I told him we should spend our last week together really cherishing our time together and treating it as though it was the last week we'd have- because it might be. At that point we resumed saying we loved each other, and expressing our care for each other. He said several times that if it was hurting me for him to do such things, he'd stop immediately, but I always insisted that I could handle it because I didn't want to be parted from him until he would physically be several thousand miles away. He was doing what he thought would make me happy, and I think part of it is that he DOES love me deeply and doesn't know exactly how to just drop his love for his closest friend.

It is for the same reason that he kissed me. Our last kiss had been two months ago and I hadn't known that it would be the last, and I think he was trying to make me happy by giving me a good, beautiful memory of our last kiss. I would cherish it that way.

[quote name='nunsense' date='10 May 2010 - 05:49 AM' timestamp='1273484982' post='2107995']
Tink - I don't think you are being at all selfish or unholy about any of this but I certainly wonder at the actions of your friend who is playing both sides of the fence. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too. His comments that he hopes this is not the last time for any of this is astounding to me from someone who says he wants to be a priest. I don't see any signs of a religious vocation in him at all through this behavior.
[/quote]

Honestly, if I was in his position, I think I'd be doing an equally shoddy job. And his comments were in response to mine... my crying and saying 'This is too good, I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to be the end. Please don't let me go.' Perhaps he was just trying to comfort me with the optimistic thought that he might be called to marriage.

I know that Jason isn't a jerk, he really is a kind and honest guy who is trying his best to do God's will. He tried to break off our relationship without revealing his discernment. He told me not to live clinging to the hope of the outcome. We tried to eliminate the romantic aspect of our relationship, but neither of us want to simply be friends. If he is trying to have his cake and eat it too I assure you that it is mostly because he loves me deeply, wants me to be happy, and hates to see me hurting.

This is utterly foreign territory for him, and it must be difficult for him to set aside his love for the person closest to him. Especially because he's not seeing a vocational director right now- since he's spending 4 weeks in California and then 5 weeks back here and then 4 weeks in Minnesota, he said it would just be impossible to get one now since he's all over the place and quite busy. I don't agree with this (there's this lovely invention called email that he could use) and I have told him so, but as far as I know he's still not meeting with one.

Either way, he's gone and I won't hear from him for a month. And I'm still aching. I can hardly breathe, I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest and keeps turning the knife.

[AccountDeleted]

Tink - it's not for me to judge either of you, but of course we all have our own opinions, and you are bound to get some that make you feel better and some that make you feel bad. Perhaps at my ripe old age, I have forgotten what all of that intensity of romantic emotion feels like so I can't fully enter into some of your decisions (or his) - but I still think that you both need to take a step back from all this passion and heat or your common sense is going to be compromised and your decisions will suffer.

If everything that has happened recently has been because you just can't let go (and not because he wants it all), then maybe you need to practice a little selfless love for him by taking a step back and giving him some room to think and discern (with or without a vocations director). It sounds as if you don't trust either him or God to do the right thing. An act of self-giving on your part now could make all the difference for both your futures, whatever the eventual outcome. People who are in love get separated all the time by circumstances, and if the love is real then being apart will not destroy it, and if it is God's will for you two to be together, then trust Him to work things in His time, not yours. It may be that this friend needs to do this for his own spiritual development but by clinging to him the way you are, you are making it harder for both of you during this time of discernment.

To be slow dancing with each other and kissing romantically at this point in time isn't going to help anyone at all, and seems a little selfish to me on either his part or yours, depending on whom is doing the actual pushing for this kind of thing.

I guess I think about it like this... since I am discerning religious life as a nun and intend to go do a three month live-in soon, would it be appropriate for me to spend time slow dancing and kissing a man before I go? Would that be fair to him or to me, no matter how close we were as friends?

I know this is hard for you, probably the hardest thing you have ever had to face in your life, but true holiness begins with self-sacrifice. Don't put him in this situation, and don't put yourself through the pain of wanting something that is not yours to want right now. My best advice to you is to take it to Jesus in prayer, as He took His pain to His Father the night before He was tortured and crucified. You can ask God to take this cup away from you, but then trust Him and let His will be done whatever happens. Everything that He allows is for the good of our eternal soul; believe in that completely. This life is very short but eternity is very long. If you two do end up getting back together (and you may certainly pray for this) then you will both be stronger and holier by denying yourselves this sense satisfaction now. If God's will is for your friend to become a priest, then give thanks to God that this grace was allowed to him, and offer it up for the good of the Church, which is in desperate need of faithful souls right now. If it isn't, then rejoice that you will be reunited with him, but give him time and space now so he can hear God's voice. It must be very hard for him to do in all of this chaos of emotions.

I will pray for you both, that you are able to bear your sufferings and that you will also be able to be strong in doing the right thing for both of you at this time.

[Tink]

I know I've been selfish. I know what I need to do. That is WHY I decided that we need to spend the first four weeks of summer without saying a word to each other. Because I know that I am too weak, too selfish to give him that time and space and freedom as long as he is here and near me. I knew I would keep clinging to him, so we planned to cut it off when I'd have the aid of several thousand miles.

[quote]It sounds as if you don't trust either him or God to do the right thing.[/quote]

It is hard for me to trust him and God because in the back corners of my heart I feel that "God's will" always hurts me. A terrible thought, I know. I have tried with my whole heart so many times to follow Him into the darkness, and it seems that every time, I emerge brokenhearted and having to let go of someone precious to me. As I said before, J discerning that he is called to marriage feels 'too good to be true.' I quite simply do not know how to trust God. I can (and do) tell Him that I trust Him a hundred times a day and say 'thy will be done', I can cling to my rosary and beg the Blessed Mother to cradle my heart, but in my heart of hearts I am still scared and hurt and all I want is my will.

[quote]If everything that has happened recently has been because you just can't let go (and not because he wants it all)[/quote]
Well I am very much aware that I just can't let go. But what do you mean 'and not because he wants it all'? I have asked him if his actions the past week have been simply out of compassion/to console me, and he says they most certainly have not been, if that's what you're saying. I don't know.


In any case, I wish it was as easy as your advice suggests. I prove time and time again that I am weak and my discipline over my emotions is fragile. You said "You can ask God to take this cup away from you, but then trust Him and let His will be done whatever happens." And it makes it sound like trusting Him will make me stop thinking about it and stop aching, will make the pain go away and make it easier to get up in the morning. Like I said, if it were something I knew how to do, like run a mile or say certain words, I would in a heartbeat, because I want to trust Him with my whole heart... but I absolutely don't know how. You said 'don't put yourself through the pain of wanting something that is not yours to want right now' but how do I stop a want? How do I cease to ache for it? How do I stop the feeling of despair that comes at the thought of not continuing to share my life with him?

I'm sorry, I know that I'm not handling this situation well. I know nothing anyone can say will make this easier for me. I have heard the most encouraging words, I have talked to a bajillion people about it, I have gotten the best advice from the most trustworthy sources, but I don't know how to do any of it. I am totally, 100% failing.

[LilyofSaintMaria]

Just a thought I had while reading through. Tink, you are saying that no words that anyone says will make things easier for you. That may be true, although sometimes what people say open my eyes and I am better able to understand the WHY of everything. But that wasn't my thought. You say you don't know how to do it and find it hard to just get up in the morning . . . and so on . . . you know better than I. This hurt is because of how much love you have for him. There is no other explanation. Your plan is to cut it off with him during the Summer. Good idea. I also think a good idea is to share all that love you have with other people. I don't mean other guys, I mean other people who are in need of a caring shoulder and a charitable hand. Perhaps you can volunteer some time with the elderly or handicapped. Your mind will be on other people's pain rather than your own and you will be giving something to them of which, it seems, you have an abundance of.
Praying for you . . .

[AccountDeleted]

Tink - LilyofStMaria has some good advice about how to deal with the pain - start thinking of how you can use all that love in the service of others.

Yes, I know that my advice is easy for me to say and almost impossible for you to follow, and I do apologize for any extra pain that I am causing to you. It is just that in the depths of any strong emotion, one is apt to make faulty judgments and do things just to stop the pain. I see your situation as one of extreme grief - the death of a dream. The stages of grief are many, through denial and anger and bargaining and depression until one finally reaches acceptance. And one will go back and forth between these stages many times before being able to stay in acceptance.

You are not the first person to have been denied something that your heart aches for, yearns for, thirsts for. I speak from experience myself so I know that what I say sounds too facile, too easy, and I certainly don't want you to think that I mean that your pain isn't something that is nearly killing you. But the truth is, that we are not alone in our grief. If you find it hard to trust God right now, then I can only beg you to turn towards someone who knew more pain and grief and loss in her life than you or I will ever know, Our Lady. Cry yourself into her loving arms and ask her to hold you very close during this time of trial.

[quote] Well I am very much aware that I just can't let go. But what do you mean 'and not because he wants it all'? I have asked him if his actions the past week have been simply out of compassion/to console me, and he says they most certainly have not been, if that's what you're saying. I don't know. [/quote]

Sometimes I don't explain myself well and I am sorry. It is just that in my first post I assumed he was the one wanting the priesthood and you as well but then you said that it was your actions that pulled him back to you so I was basically saying that if it isn't him "wanting it all", then it is you failing to let go. You said that when you asked him if his actions were just to show compassion/console you and he said no, but what kind of thing was that to ask someone who is trying to let go of his own needs and desires to try to answer what he thinks might be a call from God to deny himself? It seems to me that not only are you making it harder for yourself but you are placing temptation squarely in his path, and he is finding it hard to say "Get thee behind me Satan." Ok, I know that sounds harsh, because you aren't Satan and you don't mean your friend harm, but by forcing him to go through this kind of struggle before he has had any chance to discern at all, you are not showing love for him so much as a selfish need. Ouch! Yes. We are all self-centered, that is normal human behavior, but God is asking you for courage right now and an act of self-giving that will stand you in good stead if you ever do get married since spousal love is supposed to be an act of self-giving to each other.

Yes, God is asking a lot and you feel you aren't strong enough right now. And then you beat yourself up about not being strong enough, so go through even more pain. This will probably continue for awhile as the grieving process unfolds.

You say you have had a lot of advice from a bajillion people but you probably can't really hear any of it right now because of the grief, anger, denial, etc.


[quote]
You said 'don't put yourself through the pain of wanting something that is not yours to want right now' but how do I stop a want? How do I cease to ache for it? How do I stop the feeling of despair that comes at the thought of not continuing to share my life with him?
[/quote]

You can't.

But ... I do have one remedy that has worked for me, even though it will continue to hurt for awhile, and hurt hard. But first you have to ask yourself about your own relationship with God as well as your friend's.

Perhaps God is calling your friend to the priest, or perhaps not. He may find that he just wanted to get closer to God but that he can experience that more when he is with you. Married couples are called to love God together and that may be the end result, but you have to give him some space now.

But what about you? You are being called by God right now too, but in a different way. He is asking your friend if he could consider giving up his needs and desires to serve God's people. He is also asking you the same thing, but in a different way. He is asking you if you can give up your needs and desiires for this person right now while he discerns. Neither of you have any idea how long this will take or what the end result will be, but one outcome that you can guarantee, if you accept God's challenge, is that you will both come closer to Him and learn to trust Him more. You say that you have trouble trusting Him. What better exercise could there be than this to increase your faith and your trust, if you allow it to be? Father Corapi once agreed to pray for someone that their faith be increased. When he met that person later he was told that his prayers must not have worked because this person had been experiencing even harder times than ever before. But Father Corapi told him that was a sure sign that his prayers were working, because that is how God increases our faith, through suffering.

Remember that saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be." Your love will be purified by this suffering.

Ok, the remedy. I always take too long to answer anything to forgive me please. Give up your boyfriend (for now) - completely. He is dead to you right now - live it. And throw yourself in the arms of Jesus. You can do this in many different ways. Start with praying the Rosary every day for your friends' discernment, and ask our Lady to bring you closer to her Son. Spend at least a half hour per day in meditation alone, talking to Jesus and listening to Him with your heart. This may involve some tears right now (I imagine a great deal of tears) but that's okay, He can take it. If you have access to the Blessed Sacrament, spend time with Him. If you can, go to frequent Mass. But through it all, act as if you do trust Him, even if you are not sure that you do yet. Tell Him that you trust Him and ask him to increase your trust. Read scriptural stories of His kindness and love, especially passages such as "What man if his son ask him for bread, would give him a stone?" And discover just how kind and giving God is.

At first, all you may be able to pray for is the return of your relationship, but if you are faithful in continuing to seek His help, God will begin to show you how to go beyond yourself, and to offer your prayers for others who have experienced similar pains, although in different ways. You will feel the pain of parents who have lost their children, spouses who have lost their loved ones in war, children who cry because they have been abandoned or abused, and those who just live their lives of quiet desperation and loneliness because they have no one, and no faith in God. Let your pain echo the pain of this world, and ask God to heal all of them as He heals you too.

Suffering is a part of this life, but Jesus has made suffering redemptive, if we are prepared to share it with Him. You can't see it now, but you have really been offered a great grace at this time, and a chance to respond to a personal invitation from God. You and your friend are both very blessed. See the grace in this situation if you can and let it increase your faith in God. My prayers are with you Tink, and I am sorry for any extra pain I have caused you. Sometimes it is a little bit like cauterizing the wound, ouch, but necessary.

[Tink]

Thank you for your words. They are painful, especially since you are absolutely correct in saying that I was selfish in not allowing him to move forward freely. I hope that he knows how sorry for that I am, though I never told him. I have been blinded by my affection for him and selfish in my pursuit of it. I feel like Anakin in Star Wars Episode III, unable to see past his selfish desire to hold on to Padme, even to the point of turning to the dark side in order to "save" her because he "can't live without her." I hadn't realized how asking those questions and continuing to show him the state of my heart made it impossible for him to be completely open to God's call. While I don't think it was entirely one-sided (that is, he does love me and want to be with me and he does want to be able to show his affection for me), I know I made it worse. I feel horrible about it.

[quote]I assumed he was the one wanting the priesthood and you as well but then you said that it was your actions that pulled him back to you so I was basically saying that if it isn't him "wanting it all", then it is you failing to let go[/quote]

He does want the priesthood and me as well. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I think he would've been better at not acting on his affection for me if I wasn't falling to pieces, but I know he does love me deeply and want to be with me. I just know his heart is divided or uncertain right now.

The things you have said hurt deeply, but this is what I need and I absolutely appreciate you taking the time to write out so many responses. I need a solid plan for how to move forward, how to handle this ache and be able to get through my day productively (today all I got done was taking a shower, putting away clean clothes, cleaning off the top of my dresser, and watching 3 episodes of the Office). Your remedy is one that I will try earnestly to put into practice. I think I will print out this most recent post and carry it with me, so that I can remind myself of all of these things frequently.

You have been a blessing to me in this time, Nunsense. Really. Thank you again.

Tomorrow I may fall apart again, but I will do so with purpose... with resolve. I will keep you all updated, as I must. I need as much community as possible right now. You are all amazing for reading my continued posts and putting up with my repetitiveness.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Tink

[eagle_eye222001]

Life can be terribly cruel sometimes..........and is unable to be predicted. Every time I think I've know where I'm going....there's a sudden swerve. Sometimes the change in life is great...we are overcome with awe at the change of scenery.....other times....we crash.

Sorry your going through such a difficult crash. Hang in there.