Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[jeffpugh]

Tink, I can empathise. I find that being apart is actually more helpful. It will hurt for a while, but God will always lead you toward the one you are destined to be with. If he's the one, then not speaking to him again (indefinitely) will not impede on the vocation!

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Tink, I feel so bad for you.

I wish your friend hadn't said those things to you, even though he meant well.

Now you know why practically every song, movie, and book has a theme in somewhere along the lines of: boy gets girl, boy loses girl (or girl loses boy) and boy and girl get back together and live happily ever after. This is why there are so many quotes like "The course of love never runs smooth." (Sorry, Shakespeare, for not looking up your exact quote.)

If Jason needs a break from a serious relationship, whether for discernment or for some other reason, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that makes him NORMAL. I don't have enough fingers (or toes) to count the couples I've seen who've been through similar situations (including myself!).

It is VERY common, for young men particularly, to want a break so that they KNOW. If you and Jason were 50, I might give a different answer--people who are 50 are more likely to know or not know. But, both you and Jason are in your early 20's. You are both still in school and have not yet settled into normal life. Jason hasn't been through this before, and he wants to make sure he does it right. For whatever reason, it's been my experience that young men tend to need this break more than young women do.

But, taking a break DOESN'T mean Jason will never want to marry you someday. It means he's being honest with you and he isn't sure RIGHT NOW. In today's society, there aren't a lot of young men Jason's age who are ready to get married. There are several periods of time in life where people are likely to change, and you're in one of them right now. Just think, even if you're single, your life will likely be completely different in the next 3-5 years--you'll graduate, get a job, live somewhere different. You're in a time of huge change, where life is unpredictable just when you want to KNOW what's going to happen.

You're thinking about what's best for Jason, but I'm thinking about what's best for YOU! What you need and want are JUST as important as what Jason needs right now. This is tearing you apart. You said you were going to look for a spiritual advisor--you might also think of a counselor. NOT because there is anything wrong with you, but to have someone who has gone through this with a lot of people before, and will help you figure out what is best for YOU.

For example, although it seems impossible right now, it may be better for you not to see Jason at all for a time. (I'm not saying this is necessarily the right thing to do, just that it is one idea.) In many cases this helps. Because, right now, you need to concentrate on YOU. That is NOT selfish, it's being self-protective.

God and Jason are working out what's best for him, maybe, for a time, it's best for you to spend your emotional energy on what you and God decide is best for YOU. This does not mean you don't love Jason or that Jason doesn't love you and will never want to marry you.

But, you need a strategy so that you aren't feeling so torn apart, and you can concentrate on school and friends, and on your own happiness.

I wish I had an answer for you, but this is one that only time will answer.

But, I will say, if Jason needs a break, it is MUCH better that he takes it now than after he is married.

Good luck, we're here for you. And, if you're hearing different things from different people, that only shows that at least right now, there may not be one, right, definite thing to do, and you have to get through this the best way you can.

BTW--The reason you s.u.c.k at his is because you're human--you may be expecting more of yourself than God expects of you.

Edited April 26, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='Tink' date='26 April 2010 - 02:09 AM' timestamp='1272262145' post='2100224']
I'm trying so hard, but nothing makes sense to me right now.

I have people telling me both ways (posting on a forum obviously caters to that), some saying that I should cut off all contact and others saying not to. Jason and I both feel like being apart is impossible right now, but plan on talking much less over the month of summer that he's gone.

One friend of mine, a guy who is very no-nonsense/frank, said a few very helpful things, but also said that it is plain that Jason does not love me anymore.

He said (via text message, after a long in-person convo):



Someone, please tell me he's crazy and I shouldn't listen to what he says.

Today J held me and held my hand and brushed my tears away some more. I told him that while for him it is a couple aspects of his life that are changing drastically, for me my whole life seems to be shifting too quickly for me to keep up. He said I am still beautiful to him, he still loves me, and he is doing the best he can. He says he just needs some time. I believe him. I find myself unable to not hope. He says he cannot promise to be my love forever, but he hopes that he will be. I have trusted him to lead me for 14 months... and I will trust him now. I told him I just feel so conflicted over how I am supposed to act around him, how I'm supposed to treat him because some days things feel okay and other days I feel far away- and he says he just needs me to be whatever it is I am.

Trusting God is so much more difficult, but I am trying that too... Why do I s.u.c.k. at this??



I am not exactly losing hope with life, but I have been on the brink of losing hope for my love for him. That's what I meant about the too-good-to-be-true. Our relationship has been amazing, but for a long while I was uncertain of whether God wanted me to be in the relationship even though Jason was adamant that he felt it WAS God's will. And literally JUST as I realized how absolutely precious Jason is to me and how blessed I am and that (I thought) it really is God's will for us to be together, Jason realized he needed to discern this. It feels like there's no way that I will ever be able to hold him the same way, pray with him the same way, be his love and share life with him the same way ever again. It feels over already and he hasn't even been discerning this for two weeks. That is why I'm losing hope. That's the hope I want to know if it's okay to hold on to.
[/quote]

I'll tell you...he IS crazy for saying that to you!!!

Now he IS correct in saying that he isn't very mature. He shouldn't make you follow him around in his life (which is very easy for you to do since you love him) until he makes up his decision about what he wants to do in life. That is not fair or kind at all. But the fact that he actually said that two vocations are being torn apart is horrible. You each have a vocation, and your ex breaking up with you is not going to change that. If you are not meant to marry him, you will still be able to do God's will, which is what will makes all of us TRULY happy!

Also, you seem to rely too much on your ex. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, I really am!!! You seem like the sweetest girl, and honestly, I am blunt because you remind me very much of myself in matters such as this. I needed my ex fiance, or so I thought. I believed that being with him was the FOUNDATION of my vocation!! It was where I was supposed to be! But having that mentality blinded me from much of the reality in my life. I didn't NEED him like I thought I did. I NEEDED God and, in a way, used my ex fiance to give me meaning in my life! This might not be what you're feeling, but the situation you're in, the way your ex is and the way you are sound very much like my situation only a year ago.

When you have such a loving, wonderful Catholic boyfriend, sometimes people (like myself) forget what we really should be doing in life. How could we lose something so wonderful? But your ex seems to be very much focused on himself, and you shouldn't be waiting in his shadow for him to make his decision. You should try maybe to live life on your own for a while? It's the hardest thing to do. It's over a year later for me, and I still have moments of uncertainty because my ex WAS my mental certainty. But it's been the best thing for me in my life.

Prayers, Tink. Message me if you ever want to talk.

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' date='26 April 2010 - 03:36 PM' timestamp='1272310604' post='2100522']
Tink, I feel so bad for you.

I wish your friend hadn't said those things to you, even though he meant well.

Now you know why practically every song, movie, and book has a theme in somewhere along the lines of: boy gets girl, boy loses girl (or girl loses boy) and boy and girl get back together and live happily ever after. This is why there are so many quotes like "The course of love never runs smooth." (Sorry, Shakespeare, for not looking up your exact quote.)

If Jason needs a break from a serious relationship, whether for discernment or for some other reason, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that makes him NORMAL. I don't have enough fingers (or toes) to count the couples I've seen who've been through similar situations (including myself!).

It is VERY common, for young men particularly, to want a break so that they KNOW. If you and Jason were 50, I might give a different answer--people who are 50 are more likely to know or not know. But, both you and Jason are in your early 20's. You are both still in school and have not yet settled into normal life. Jason hasn't been through this before, and he wants to make sure he does it right. For whatever reason, it's been my experience that young men tend to need this break more than young women do.

But, taking a break DOESN'T mean Jason will never want to marry you someday. It means he's being honest with you and he isn't sure RIGHT NOW. In today's society, there aren't a lot of young men Jason's age who are ready to get married. There are several periods of time in life where people are likely to change, and you're in one of them right now. Just think, even if you're single, your life will likely be completely different in the next 3-5 years--you'll graduate, get a job, live somewhere different. You're in a time of huge change, where life is unpredictable just when you want to KNOW what's going to happen.

You're thinking about what's best for Jason, but I'm thinking about what's best for YOU! What you need and want are JUST as important as what Jason needs right now. This is tearing you apart. You said you were going to look for a spiritual advisor--you might also think of a counselor. NOT because there is anything wrong with you, but to have someone who has gone through this with a lot of people before, and will help you figure out what is best for YOU.

For example, although it seems impossible right now, it may be better for you not to see Jason at all for a time. (I'm not saying this is necessarily the right thing to do, just that it is one idea.) In many cases this helps. Because, right now, you need to concentrate on YOU. That is NOT selfish, it's being self-protective.

God and Jason are working out what's best for him, maybe, for a time, it's best for you to spend your emotional energy on what you and God decide is best for YOU. This does not mean you don't love Jason or that Jason doesn't love you and will never want to marry you.

But, you need a strategy so that you aren't feeling so torn apart, and you can concentrate on school and friends, and on your own happiness.

I wish I had an answer for you, but this is one that only time will answer.

But, I will say, if Jason needs a break, it is MUCH better that he takes it now than after he is married.

Good luck, we're here for you. And, if you're hearing different things from different people, that only shows that at least right now, there may not be one, right, definite thing to do, and you have to get through this the best way you can.

BTW--The reason you s.u.c.k at his is because you're human--you may be expecting more of yourself than God expects of you.
[/quote]

Very well worded, IgnatiusofLoyola.

[loveletslive]

cool story...i know a nun who broke up with her boyfriend and joined the convent. he was ordained a priest the same year she professed her solemn vows

but i am so sad for you! i hope everything works out

[Tink]

Just to clear this up, Jason hasn't asked me to wait. He told me not to. However, since we are kindred spirits and best friends, we both still want to be in each other's lives. It's hard. I don't know what's going on. When summer comes, I will try to stop talking to him for the 4 weeks he's gone. I talked to a friend of mine tonight, and while it's still hard for me to focus and accept the moving forward process, I am trying. He, unlike the other guy friend, is sane and genuinely Catholic.

I am attached, and although I was NEVER like this in a relationship, losing the most beautiful friendship I've ever been giving is a difficult thing. I'm trying.

[Tink]

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Well, here's where we are. Jason has told me that yesterday morning, he realized that he does in fact have a desire for the priesthood, that it's not just a willingness to do it or that he finds it appealing, he would be happy with either a life in marriage or a life in the priesthood. He also said that he loves me deeply and I am one of the most important things that has ever happened to him, and that if he knew it was God's will, he would be with me in a heartbeat.

This morning, I met with a spiritual director (who stopped dating his now-wife to discern religious life at one point, too, and has met with Jason in the past) and one of our best friends, Mary. Mary was in Jason's position two years ago, and had to make the decision to leave the one she loved. After both of these conversations, I made the decision that Jason and I should treat this as though it was our last week together. Then, in the 4 weeks he has at home before returning to Notre Dame (and possibly longer), we won't speak. At all. No texts, phone calls, Skype conversations, facebook posts, or emails.

One month without talking to or seeing my best friend.

Mary helped me realize that right now, I want to give him myself totally and freely in marriage, and although he loves me, he cannot love me fully right now. His heart is divided. I cannot give him just part of my heart, I have to have time to prepare myself for whatever decision he will make and move forward and learn how to live without him in my life.



Right now I feel overwhelmed by despair, but I know that it will be worth it. As Jason said, it will be a good time for us no matter what happens. I know this is a shock for him because I haven't been that strong lately, and the only thing that makes me feel 'okay' is being around him, so I think he was taken aback and I know it's going to hurt him too. But I have hope, although I am preparing myself for the worst and letting my heart break, that this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation. I have had them in the past, where I've felt God asking me, 'could you give this to me?' but every time I have held my control and refused to relinquish my will. This is the first time that I have been able to convince myself give up something so precious.

If he is called to marry and give me the confirmation of our vocation together, then this will have been such a refining process and our relationship will be GLORIOUS as a result. If he is called to the priesthood, then this time will have taught me the most difficult lesson in the world- how to lay down one's life for a friend. How to lay down my heart and will before the Lord.

And either way, I'm gonna write a book. Heh.

[elizabeth09]

Prayers for sure, but not all men that goes though Kendreck becomes priest. Maybe you did not know about but he was thinking about for some time and praying about it. Just remember that God is only one know what will happen. Maybe that God is calling you to the sisterhood.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='29 April 2010 - 11:21 PM' timestamp='1272601309' post='2102517']
IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Well, here's where we are. Jason has told me that yesterday morning, he realized that he does in fact have a desire for the priesthood, that it's not just a willingness to do it or that he finds it appealing, he would be happy with either a life in marriage or a life in the priesthood. He also said that he loves me deeply and I am one of the most important things that has ever happened to him, and that if he knew it was God's will, he would be with me in a heartbeat.

This morning, I met with a spiritual director (who stopped dating his now-wife to discern religious life at one point, too, and has met with Jason in the past) and one of our best friends, Mary. Mary was in Jason's position two years ago, and had to make the decision to leave the one she loved. After both of these conversations, I made the decision that Jason and I should treat this as though it was our last week together. Then, in the 4 weeks he has at home before returning to Notre Dame (and possibly longer), we won't speak. At all. No texts, phone calls, Skype conversations, facebook posts, or emails.

One month without talking to or seeing my best friend.

Mary helped me realize that right now, I want to give him myself totally and freely in marriage, and although he loves me, he cannot love me fully right now. His heart is divided. I cannot give him just part of my heart, I have to have time to prepare myself for whatever decision he will make and move forward and learn how to live without him in my life.

[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/sadder.gif[/img]

Right now I feel overwhelmed by despair, but I know that it will be worth it. As Jason said, it will be a good time for us no matter what happens. I know this is a shock for him because I haven't been that strong lately, and the only thing that makes me feel 'okay' is being around him, so I think he was taken aback and I know it's going to hurt him too. But I have hope, although I am preparing myself for the worst and letting my heart break, that this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation. I have had them in the past, where I've felt God asking me, 'could you give this to me?' but every time I have held my control and refused to relinquish my will. This is the first time that I have been able to convince myself give up something so precious.

If he is called to marry and give me the confirmation of our vocation together, then this will have been such a refining process and our relationship will be GLORIOUS as a result. If he is called to the priesthood, then this time will have taught me the most difficult lesson in the world- how to lay down one's life for a friend. How to lay down my heart and will before the Lord.

And either way, I'm gonna write a book. Heh.

[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/sadder.gif[/img]
[/quote]

I'm so sorry, Tink. I know how you must be hurting. But, although it hurts, Jason IS trying his best to be honest with you and not lead you on--he is a good man. By admitting that his discernment is serious, it causes you heartbreak now, but it keeps you from putting your life on hold while you wait for him.

I can understand why you feel overwhelmed with despair. To me, that shows that you love Jason--if you felt no despair, then that would show he didn't mean much to you. A month without talking or seeing your best friend must seem very empty. If you can, spoil yourself a little during this time. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to something you've wanted (assuming your budget allows). If you can, spend some time with friends that you may have seen less often because you were with Jason. Practice doing things on you own. It will seem strange, and even lonely at first. But, this is a time given to you to figure out what YOU want and what YOU need, without taking Jason's wants and needs into account. I won't pretend it won't be hard. But, little by little it will get easier.

It's often hard to figure out what God is telling us at the time it's going on, so all you can do is do your best, and keep moving one step in front of the other. Sometimes I've found it's years before I understand why something happened the way it did.

In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing your best. Grieving is unfortunately a natural part of life. Hang in there!

[LouisvilleFan]

[quote name='Tink' date='16 April 2010 - 08:30 PM' timestamp='1271460625' post='2094937']
My boyfriend just ended our relationship this week. He feels that he might want to be a priest. He has never given it serious discernment before, and has felt an increasing desire to discern it in the past couple months. He said he would love it if we remained best friends, continued strengthening our friendship, and over time he discerned that I was his future wife, and proposed to me. But obviously, he said I can't count on that or live my life clinging to that hope, because he doesn't know what the future holds.
[/quote]

He wants to be best friends? Dude needs some poker buddies bad. I'd remind him that only men can be ordained

I reckon he's trying to let you down gently... the friends thing ain't happening. If he wants to discern priesthood, the two of you should make a clean break and go your separate ways. It hurts worse initially, but allows both of you to mature in the process and regain your sanity in a short time.

[Tink]

[quote name='LouisvilleFan' date='03 May 2010 - 12:25 AM' timestamp='1272860726' post='2104033']
He wants to be best friends? Dude needs some poker buddies bad. I'd remind him that only men can be ordained

I reckon he's trying to let you down gently... the friends thing ain't happening. If he wants to discern priesthood, the two of you should make a clean break and go your separate ways. It hurts worse initially, but allows both of you to mature in the process and regain your sanity in a short time.
[/quote]

He's not trying to 'let me down gently,' trust me. And he doesn't need poker buddies. Thanks.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Hey Tink! How are you holding up? (Ignore my avatar--we're just having some fun--it's Iggy.)

I thought about you last Saturday night. I remember that after I broke up, Sat. night was the VERY worst, because I was so used to going out. I hope you did something fun with your friends on Saturday (or maybe Saturdays have been okay for you--I hope so).

You've gotten WAY too much advice from me, and you probably don't need advice as much now anyway, so I'll spare you. Also, school has a way of requiring you to put your attention things other than your problems, whether you want it to or not. (I had an acquaintance who once said she DID better in school after she broke up with a guy, but, personally, I think there are easier ways to keep your grades up. :-> )

Take care, and remember we're all here for you. Keep us updated on how you're doing, if you feel like it.

[LouisvilleFan]

[quote name='Tink' date='03 May 2010 - 11:04 AM' timestamp='1272895470' post='2104157']
He's not trying to 'let me down gently,' trust me. And he doesn't need poker buddies. Thanks.
[/quote]

Too bad I'm headed to the seminary too... I think she likes me.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='LouisvilleFan' date='03 May 2010 - 09:47 PM' timestamp='1272941276' post='2104653']
Too bad I'm headed to the seminary too... I think she likes me.
[/quote]

Uh......Sounds like it may be a GOOD thing you're headed for the seminary. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.gif[/img]

[Tink]

So...

Re-reading Elizabeth Elliot's book Quest For Love has helped... or God used it to help. I felt a very strange peace today for the first time since all this happened. Miraculous timing, really.

Because as I was driving over to campus to spend time with him tonight, he found out that his grandpa (mom's dad) who was diagnosed with lung cancer last week just received his prognosis. He is at stage 3B/4, with a maximum life expectancy of 13 months.

Tonight, God needed me to be strong for someone other than myself.