Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[Tink]

[quote name='Ora et Labora' date='22 April 2010 - 05:38 PM' timestamp='1271972309' post='2098216']
I understand what you are saying, and your situation might be different then others.

If I were seriously discerning the religious life I would NOT be able to be that close to a man I loved. And when you said "I know it sounds dangerously close" ...It's because it IS dangerously close. I know I sound harsh, but if one is REALLY discerning the religious life I personally don't believe it's healthy to be that close to someone. (From experience) it doesn't help the discernment process at all.

Many of my friends who were dating had to REALLY not date to discern their religious vocation, because if they didn't walk away from that human they really loved, their mind was constantly clouded. They would call me and be confused! "Why is it so hard to discern?" For obvious reasons! I never told them what they needed to do, since it's THEIR discernment process, but I would pray for them and if they really were called to the religious life they figured it out and broke up with their b/f/g/f for a time, because discerning is so much easier that way.

Anyway, I'm still praying for ya. Good luck.
[/quote]

Yeah, I agree. I don't know what he's thinking and going through exactly, but I know that we have become a lot less close than we were before... we're learning to not be together. And we're not the best at it yet, but we're trying.

[Tink]

Day 7 has been okay, I suppose.

I slept really late and woke up feeling a bit depressed, but I went out to dinner with my family and it was beautiful out so that helped.

Then I hung out with a friend, and went to the music building to play piano for awhile. Jason and I went to the grotto to pray a rosary again, and this time he put his arm around me even though it wasn't cold out. I asked him afterward if he thought it was going to make it more difficult for discern, and he said it hasn't been a problem so far.

He says since he's exploring the priesthood on account of being drawn to both that and marriage, and this is something he's never given thought to before, he expects himself to have a better feel for what he wants fairly soon. He said he hopes to have at least an idea of what he's being called to by 3 months from now, and he will be sure to tells me if and when he knows.

I think I am going to work on guarding my heart more little by little and distancing myself from him. Since it literally could go either way (he says, "all I know is I like both options, and both would be good for me. This isn't about my intellect weighing pros and cons."), I feel I need to be more prepared for the possibility of him coming to me and telling me he wants to be a priest. Right now, it hurts me to think about, but I have to be ready to handle it. I have no idea how to do that.

Yesterday I was feeling really okay because I felt like this was just a period of exploration for us, a period of strengthening our friendship and discerning our vocations and deepening our faith and truth... I felt like we would be together again someday in the future. Today, however, I am not being as idealistic, I am fully aware that every day he spends attending talks and seminars on the priesthood and talking to these priests he admires, he could (and probably is) falling more and more in love with that vocation. He probably has the sentiment that many of us do, that feeling of "oh, I wish I could just be apart from the world and sit and be with the Lord and pray all day," and the priesthood offers that. I know that should make me happy, that the Lord is revealing true Joy to his heart, but it hurts deeply. I know that is selfish, my desire to hold on to him, and CS Lewis would probably have a few words for me if he knew I was being such an Orual. I'm trying. This is just so terrifying.

[Tink]

Further update: not much has changed, but I'm feeling much less content than I was a few days ago. I am yet again terrified, and throwing myself at the feet of the Blessed Mother. Right now, as early as his discernment is and as much hope as I know I should have, I feel this overwhelming sense of inevitability. I feel like I already know the outcome. It would be too ideal for God's will to be my will, it would simply be too good to be true. It feels like something that beautiful simply could not happen to me, that's not how my life is.

Your continued prayers are appreciated. I am fighting off loneliness and despair.

[Archaeology cat]

[Cherie]

[quote name='Tink' date='25 April 2010 - 03:45 AM' timestamp='1272181542' post='2099656']
It would be too ideal for God's will to be my will, it would simply be too good to be true. It feels like something that beautiful simply could not happen to me, that's not how my life is.
[/quote]

God's Will is mysterious. Sometimes things happen in which we ask Him, "WHY?" Only HE knows and sees the bigger picture ... and even though sometimes on this earth we won't understand why, be assured in Heaven, God will show us the reason, and we will be grateful for it!

We are constantly striving to conform our wills to God's. St. Therese once said that she knew that God would give her anything she asked, because she was in perfect conformity to the Will of God. How difficult that can be for us to say! But conforming our wills to God's, or at least trying to, comes from the deep knowledge that God is our Father, and He knows what is best for us. When we conform our wills to His, only then will we be truly at peace.

But what you wrote above sounds a lot like what I call the "anvil syndrome," in which we subconsciously believe that no matter what, God somehow doesn't want what we desire, and we're always destined to have our hopes crushed. We look at God as a Divine Chastiser, One who wants to constantly punish us for our misdeeds. But Our God is a loving Father. He loves us far beyond anything we could ever imagine. He is desperately in love with us! He is FULL of mercy -- Our Lord told St. Faustina the flames of His Mercy are CLAMORING to be spent! There are so many parts of the Diary of Divine Mercy that are such beautiful examples of His love for us: "Oh how much I am hurt by a soul's distrust! Such a soul professes that I am Holy and Just, but does not believe that I am Mercy and does not trust in My Goodness. Even the devils glorify My justice but do not believe in My Goodness. My Heart rejoices in this title of Mercy." [300]. "Know that My Heart is mercy itself. From this sea of mercy, graces flow our upon the whole world. No soul that has approached Me has ever gone away unconsoled. All misery gets buried in the depths of My mercy, and every saving and sanctifying grace flows from this fountain." [1777]

Sometimes He even PLACES certain desires in our hearts. He WANTS us to pray for it -- sometimes He wills that we ASK HIM before He will grant it to us. Numerous Saints have expounded on this beautiful mystery of prayer. The theology of prayer is so beautiful, and so outside the boxes of our human intellect. An example is with Padre Pio. A younger brother always saw Padre Pio kneel down in his cell to pray at a certain part of the day, so one day he asked Padre what he was praying for. "The souls of my parents," Padre replied. "Your parents?! But Padre! You already know your parents are in Heaven! Why would you pray for them!?" And Padre Pio replied, "God knew that I would pray for my parents every day until the day I died, and that is why they are in Heaven now." WOW! God is outside of our concept of time! And what a beautiful example of the transcendent power of prayer!

Don't ever be afraid to hope. Sometimes, God allows our hopes to be dashed, but when He does so, He does it with our greater good in mind. Know that -- He NEVER wants to hurt us. We are frail human beings, so sometimes things that God allows to happen hurt us, but He wants us to use those opportunities to conform ourselves more closely to Christ crucified, to offer up that time of suffering, to use it to purify ourselves and bring us closer to Him. Remember, there is so Resurrection without the Cross! And our dear Savior gave us the most incredible example ... He suffered more than ANYONE has, so He is always there to comfort us in our pain and sorrow!

But sometimes God wants us to hope for something, to desire it deeply ... and then GRANT it to us, so we can give Him glory all the more! Sometimes THAT'S the reason He makes us wait for something. And it's not a rare thing to happen!!! God is generous, He WANTS to give us what we want, so long as it's good for our souls. But no matter what, we should always run to the arms of Our Loving Father.

I'm praying for you, Tink! God bless you!

[vee]

Cherie what a fantastic post! I came on this thread wanting to write about how God loves us more than we can imagine and here was your beautiful post that said it all. To Tink I would also add that before God formed you in the womb He knew you and loved you. He knows you so well that if He doesn't give you something it is because He has something even better in mind you just have to ask Him and be willing to do His will. Trust in Jesus. His love is unfailing unending unimaginably deep.

[Tink]

Cherie, that post was utterly beautiful. Thank you so much for taking time to write out your thoughts... after several hours crying and praying last night, and waking this morning consumed by the same disposition, I am grateful for the hope that your message has provided this afternoon. My mindset was all wrong, totally backwards, and I cannot allow despair to overwhelm me when I don't even know the outcome.

*sigh* thank you, I will keep trying.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='25 April 2010 - 04:33 PM' timestamp='1272227603' post='2099860']
Cherie, that post was utterly beautiful. Thank you so much for taking time to write out your thoughts... after several hours crying and praying last night, and waking this morning consumed by the same disposition, I am grateful for the hope that your message has provided this afternoon. My mindset was all wrong, totally backwards, and I cannot allow despair to overwhelm me when I don't even know the outcome.

*sigh* thank you, I will keep trying.

[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/starwars.gif[/img]
[/quote]

I don't know about you, but I'm always impatient with myself. I keep thinking that I should be feeling better sooner than I actually do, or that I should be able to develop a better attitude more quickly than I am doing right now. Some day I will learn that "God's time" isn't our time, but, knowing me, I won't learn that lesson fully anytime soon. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/idontknow.gif[/img]

In the meantime, hang in there, it WILL continue to get easier, even if it happens much more slowly that you'd like. I've realized that one reason that God has let me go through so much pain is that, when others are in pain, I can honestly understand how they are feeling, and with any luck, be of at least a little help. So, maybe God is putting you through this for some reason you don't know about yet. If nothing else, if God finally does call you and Jason to marry, you will REALLY appreciate it and not take it for granted, because the road there has been so difficult.

We're here for you.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='CherieMadame' date='25 April 2010 - 10:58 AM' timestamp='1272203893' post='2099691']
God's Will is mysterious. Sometimes things happen in which we ask Him, "WHY?" Only HE knows and sees the bigger picture ... and even though sometimes on this earth we won't understand why, be assured in Heaven, God will show us the reason, and we will be grateful for it!

We are constantly striving to conform our wills to God's. St. Therese once said that she knew that God would give her anything she asked, because she was in perfect conformity to the Will of God. How difficult that can be for us to say! But conforming our wills to God's, or at least trying to, comes from the deep knowledge that God is our Father, and He knows what is best for us. When we conform our wills to His, only then will we be truly at peace.

But what you wrote above sounds a lot like what I call the "anvil syndrome," in which we subconsciously believe that no matter what, God somehow doesn't want what we desire, and we're always destined to have our hopes crushed. We look at God as a Divine Chastiser, One who wants to constantly punish us for our misdeeds. But Our God is a loving Father. He loves us far beyond anything we could ever imagine. He is desperately in love with us! He is FULL of mercy -- Our Lord told St. Faustina the flames of His Mercy are CLAMORING to be spent! There are so many parts of the Diary of Divine Mercy that are such beautiful examples of His love for us: "Oh how much I am hurt by a soul's distrust! Such a soul professes that I am Holy and Just, but does not believe that I am Mercy and does not trust in My Goodness. Even the devils glorify My justice but do not believe in My Goodness. My Heart rejoices in this title of Mercy." [300]. "Know that My Heart is mercy itself. From this sea of mercy, graces flow our upon the whole world. No soul that has approached Me has ever gone away unconsoled. All misery gets buried in the depths of My mercy, and every saving and sanctifying grace flows from this fountain." [1777]

Sometimes He even PLACES certain desires in our hearts. He WANTS us to pray for it -- sometimes He wills that we ASK HIM before He will grant it to us. Numerous Saints have expounded on this beautiful mystery of prayer. The theology of prayer is so beautiful, and so outside the boxes of our human intellect. An example is with Padre Pio. A younger brother always saw Padre Pio kneel down in his cell to pray at a certain part of the day, so one day he asked Padre what he was praying for. "The souls of my parents," Padre replied. "Your parents?! But Padre! You already know your parents are in Heaven! Why would you pray for them!?" And Padre Pio replied, "God knew that I would pray for my parents every day until the day I died, and that is why they are in Heaven now." WOW! God is outside of our concept of time! And what a beautiful example of the transcendent power of prayer!

Don't ever be afraid to hope. Sometimes, God allows our hopes to be dashed, but when He does so, He does it with our greater good in mind. Know that -- He NEVER wants to hurt us. We are frail human beings, so sometimes things that God allows to happen hurt us, but He wants us to use those opportunities to conform ourselves more closely to Christ crucified, to offer up that time of suffering, to use it to purify ourselves and bring us closer to Him. Remember, there is so Resurrection without the Cross! And our dear Savior gave us the most incredible example ... He suffered more than ANYONE has, so He is always there to comfort us in our pain and sorrow!

But sometimes God wants us to hope for something, to desire it deeply ... and then GRANT it to us, so we can give Him glory all the more! Sometimes THAT'S the reason He makes us wait for something. And it's not a rare thing to happen!!! God is generous, He WANTS to give us what we want, so long as it's good for our souls. But no matter what, we should always run to the arms of Our Loving Father.

I'm praying for you, Tink! God bless you!
[/quote]

+1!

Thank you for writing that, CM! I know it was totally directed at Tink, but wow... I think [b]I [/b]really needed to hear that lately, too. Thank you so much.

[Brigid]

Tink,

I'm in the same position you are right now. Long story short, we dated for a year, broke up so he could discern, got back together two years later, dated for six months, and we broke up two weeks ago so he could discern further. He's my best friend. I'm pretty sure that I'm called to marriage, and I can't imagine marrying anyone but him. The first time we broke up, we tried to be friends still (which meant talking as much and still doing stuff together but not "dating") and it didn't work at all. We even tried to be friends after a year had passed and he was dating someone else, but it was just too difficult for me to be in contact with him and not be in a relationship. Since we broke up this time we haven't seen each other or spoken (which is easily managed because we don't go to the same school or parish). In the long run, in my experience, it's easiest to break off communication completely. The first time we broke up, I was a total mess. For the first few months, I didn't go a day without crying... I turned to Jesus and showed Him how much I was hurting, and He picked me up and showed me I could be whole. That He was really all I needed. I've been Catholic all my life, but when I was dating, I depended more on my boyfriend than I did on Jesus, and when we broke up that really became evident. The second time we dated I was better at putting Jesus first (not good enough, of course, but better), and it hasn't been nearly as bad. I still miss him and it's hard to get used to not talking to him every day, but I'm not devastated like I was the first time. Even though we're not talking, we're still close - I pray for him and I know he's praying for me.

A few things that got me through the first breakup:
Luke 22:42 "Not My will, but Yours be done."/Agony in the Garden
Luke 1:38 "May it be done to me according to your word."/the Annunciation
1 Peter 1:6-7 "There is cause for rejoicing here. You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials; but this is so that your faith, which is more precious than the passing splendor of fire-tried gold, may by its genuineness lead to praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ appears."

Pray that His will will be done and trust that your prayers will be answered. God gets what He wants; we just need to be open to it. PM me if you want to talk more, I'd love to help if I can. you and Jason are in my prayers.

[Brigid]

[quote name='Tink' date='25 April 2010 - 03:45 AM' timestamp='1272181542' post='2099656']
Further update: not much has changed, but I'm feeling much less content than I was a few days ago. I am yet again terrified, and throwing myself at the feet of the Blessed Mother. Right now, as early as his discernment is and as much hope as I know I should have, I feel this overwhelming sense of inevitability. I feel like I already know the outcome. It would be too ideal for God's will to be my will, it would simply be too good to be true. It feels like something that beautiful simply could not happen to me, that's not how my life is.

Your continued prayers are appreciated. I am fighting off loneliness and despair.
[/quote]
oh wow... I hadn't read this post before I replied. this is exactly how I feel/have felt. my whole relationship with him has felt too good to be true. and I've always been terrified that God would ask me to give him up, and He's asked me to do that twice now. this time, though, I'm not really worried - I know He has a way of working things out that, even if it's not what I would have chosen, ends up BETTER than how I would have chosen it.

one thing I learned from the first breakup was that God brings SO MUCH good from the bad. there is so much I learned and gained from our first breakup - I do not regret that it happened because of all the good He brought out of it. when I was going through it I never thought I would say that.

good WILL come out of it - it might take a few years to see it, as it has taken me, but I promise that it's coming.

1 Corinthians 10:13 "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."

[AccountDeleted]

[quote]CherieMadame, on 25 April 2010 - 10:58 AM, said:

Don't ever be afraid to hope. Sometimes, God allows our hopes to be dashed, but when He does so, He does it with our greater good in mind. Know that -- He NEVER wants to hurt us. We are frail human beings, so sometimes things that God allows to happen hurt us, but He wants us to use those opportunities to conform ourselves more closely to Christ crucified, to offer up that time of suffering, to use it to purify ourselves and bring us closer to Him. Remember, there is so Resurrection without the Cross! And our dear Savior gave us the most incredible example ... He suffered more than ANYONE has, so He is always there to comfort us in our pain and sorrow!

But sometimes God wants us to hope for something, to desire it deeply ... and then GRANT it to us, so we can give Him glory all the more! Sometimes THAT'S the reason He makes us wait for something. And it's not a rare thing to happen!!! God is generous, He WANTS to give us what we want, so long as it's good for our souls. But no matter what, we should always run to the arms of Our Loving Father.
[/quote]

I just had to post it again. So beautiful.

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='Brigid' date='26 April 2010 - 12:10 AM' timestamp='1272255030' post='2100153']
oh wow... I hadn't read this post before I replied. this is exactly how I feel/have felt. my whole relationship with him has felt too good to be true. and I've always been terrified that God would ask me to give him up, and He's asked me to do that twice now. this time, though, I'm not really worried - I know He has a way of working things out that, even if it's not what I would have chosen, ends up BETTER than how I would have chosen it.

one thing I learned from the first breakup was that God brings SO MUCH good from the bad. there is so much I learned and gained from our first breakup - I do not regret that it happened because of all the good He brought out of it. when I was going through it I never thought I would say that.

good WILL come out of it - it might take a few years to see it, as it has taken me, but I promise that it's coming.

1 Corinthians 10:13 "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."
[/quote]

You are very wise, Brigid. It helped even me to read this.

Do NOT lose hope, Tink.

You are not alone!

[Tink]

I'm trying so hard, but nothing makes sense to me right now.

I have people telling me both ways (posting on a forum obviously caters to that), some saying that I should cut off all contact and others saying not to. Jason and I both feel like being apart is impossible right now, but plan on talking much less over the month of summer that he's gone.

One friend of mine, a guy who is very no-nonsense/frank, said a few very helpful things, but also said that it is plain that Jason does not love me anymore.

He said (via text message, after a long in-person convo):

[quote]Vocations don't spring up from nothing. It was always there. My guess is that it may not even be, who knows? But God didn't take this from you. If Jason were as kind and mature as you say, he'd have the decency to make his decision without hurting anyone if he didn't have to, and the sense to realize that he's crushing two vocations possibly without cause. Now that he's broken up with you/kicked you out of his life, it's not fair for him to ask you to stay. He's being terribly unkind to you, regardless of what you feel when you're next to him. He doesn't love you, and that will never make sense, it can't ever make sense. If he loved you, then this wouldn't even be a question. No profession or vocation is more important to a man than the woman he loves. He's equivocating. That he cares doesn't mean he loves. And {on my claim that he broke up with me not because he doesn't love me or want to be with me, but to give him the space and freedom to examine what God's will is objectively} vocations are definitively subjective. Looking to be objective is a horrendous mistake. One doesn't try to love. Either one does, or one doesn't. There is no try. And the idea that God's will in vocations is contrary to the individual's will is the worst possible incoherency over vocations. You're over-intellectualizing his 'love'- not that he has any. I'm sorry. What you have to do is not hope. This hope is to live a lie. It's living in death.[/quote]

Someone, please tell me he's crazy and I shouldn't listen to what he says.

Today J held me and held my hand and brushed my tears away some more. I told him that while for him it is a couple aspects of his life that are changing drastically, for me my whole life seems to be shifting too quickly for me to keep up. He said I am still beautiful to him, he still loves me, and he is doing the best he can. He says he just needs some time. I believe him. I find myself unable to not hope. He says he cannot promise to be my love forever, but he hopes that he will be. I have trusted him to lead me for 14 months... and I will trust him now. I told him I just feel so conflicted over how I am supposed to act around him, how I'm supposed to treat him because some days things feel okay and other days I feel far away- and he says he just needs me to be whatever it is I am.

Trusting God is so much more difficult, but I am trying that too... Why do I s.u.c.k. at this??

[quote]
Do NOT lose hope, Tink. [/quote]

I am not exactly losing hope with life, but I have been on the brink of losing hope for my love for him. That's what I meant about the too-good-to-be-true. Our relationship has been amazing, but for a long while I was uncertain of whether God wanted me to be in the relationship even though Jason was adamant that he felt it WAS God's will. And literally JUST as I realized how absolutely precious Jason is to me and how blessed I am and that (I thought) it really is God's will for us to be together, Jason realized he needed to discern this. It feels like there's no way that I will ever be able to hold him the same way, pray with him the same way, be his love and share life with him the same way ever again. It feels over already and he hasn't even been discerning this for two weeks. That is why I'm losing hope. That's the hope I want to know if it's okay to hold on to.

Edited April 26, 2010 by Tink

[LilyofSaintMaria]

Honestly, I wish your other guy friend didn't say what he said . . . it's not something you say to someone who is hurting like you are and especially since that's just not true. Just because Jason is discerning a possible call the Priesthood does not mean he doesn't love you. On the contrary, if he is like you say he is, then his love for you has grown, not diminished. There is a friend I am thinking of who thought she may have been called to the Poor Clare nuns. However, this was not the case and she met a man who at the same time she was, was discerning a called to the priesthood. They are married now and have children. Even though they did not know each other before their discernment you can see that discerning does not diminish love, but makes it more pure and strong.
I am discerning a possible call to Religious life and I know that if I am actually called to the married life that my marriage would definitely be better because of my discernment to the Religious life because I better understand what love is and giving oneself in love and for love.
I say there is always hope, never give up hope. "It feels like there's no way that I will ever be able to hold him the same way, pray with him the same way, be his love and share life with him the same way ever again." The hope I refer to is the hope that you will love him even more after this is all over, and he will love you even more. . . to hold him, pray with him, be there with him and share his life in a new and better way after this is all over. Right now, it is a time to grow, for both of you - even though it seems like you are at a standstill right now. You are actually building something beautiful in the pain you are experiencing. No matter Jason's decision, you will find peace . . . you both will find peace . . . and you will realize the WHY of all this. Continue to trust in God, cleave to Him Who is the source of all Love.