Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[Tink]

I don't know if we're going about things in the best way, but we're trying.

Today was especially hard for me. I had a long talk with my grandmother this evening, and I feel like my heart needs to break. That's the only way this can possible work. The problem is that we love each other so dearly, we are best friends, and he WANTS to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. He just wants to give the priesthood its due discernment. As he phrased it, he's 'thinking about thinking about thinking about being a priest.' Haha.

Anyway, for instance, every Tuesday I sing in this worship band (how I met him) for this youth group on the ND campus. Today Jason came in about halfway through because he was being inducted into the Knights of Columbus. Before he showed up, while we were practicing, singing 'Trust in You,' I felt really overcome with heartbreak and this sense that maybe we really needed to not see each other for awhile to separate ourselves from our old relationship. Our friend Andy noticed, and after we finished practicing he said something kind to me... and I just couldn't keep it together. I went to the bathroom in tears, really overcome with the reality of the situation. Our other good friend, Andy's girlfriend Mary, came in after a few minutes and was totally wonderful and told me that perhaps we can't do both. Maybe we can't be best friends right now. And that broke my heart even more.

When Jason showed up, he could see I was upset though I was trying to keep it together, and after the meeting he came over and asked 'what's wrong? talk to me.' and I started to explain how I was feeling but got choked up. He immediately gave me a huge hug and kissed my forehead and said he understood and he loved me and he knows it's hard. Well, we left, and not ten minutes passed until we were arm in arm walking to the grotto to pray a Rosary together and I felt totally okay.

Basically, the fact that we still love each other so deeply and are SO close makes it very difficult to be just friends. And probably more difficult to discern for him, too.

I feel like my heart is being cradled... breaking ever so slowly but held together by the fact that he does want to be with me, he still loves me, and this is difficult for him too. That hope that I know I can't cling to is keeping me from feeling the full weight of brokenness. And I don't know how to handle it. It would hurt both of us to cut out all the parts of our relationship that are a comfort to us, but I feel like if I don't prepare myself, and then he DOES decide he's called to the priesthood, I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be shattered.

So, is it okay to "put off" the heartbreak until he decides for certain, or should I cut off our friendship in order to 'move on' even though it may not be necessary?

I am aching. I am handling this terribly. When he told me, I really wanted to handle this like a holy woman of God... one who patiently and quietly suffers the loss her beloved only to have him return, affirmed in his desire for marriage. But I am really, really bad at it.

Edited April 21, 2010 by Tink

[Cherie]

[quote name='Tink' date='21 April 2010 - 02:12 AM' timestamp='1271830326' post='2097236']

I am aching. I am handling this terribly. When he told me, I really wanted to handle this like a holy woman of God... one who patiently and quietly suffers the loss her beloved only to have him return, affirmed in his desire for marriage. But I am really, really bad at it.
[/quote]

Hey, don't get down on yourself because of that. Wouldn't we all want to react "perfectly" to any given situation? But we're broken human beings, and God knows that. I can't tell you HOW often I've told myself, "I'm going to handle this well" and then almost subconsciously I let it get out of hand ... as St. Paul said, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So please, don't get down on yourself. The emotional state you're in is never WRONG - feelings aren't sinful. What becomes sinful is what we DO with those feelings, but we can't help our emotions.

It's a great thing that he wants to give the priesthood its due discernment. That shows he's a very good man, and trying to be holy. If he decides he's not called to the priesthood, how wonderful for your relationship! And if you ever ended up getting married, he'd never have to wonder, "Oh no, is this the right vocation for me?" That's one thing that was great about the time that I spent in religious life - now I never have to wonder if marriage is the vocation God planned for me, I know it is, because I discerned both.

But if he IS called to the priesthood, maybe you can rest assured in the fact that if he is, then it's God's will, and as much as you love him now, you two never would have been completely happy together. God only wants what is BEST for us, and if he has a vocation, that's what would be best for him, yes, but remember that that would be what is best for YOU, as well!

Maybe I'm wrong, but for myself, I would say put off the heartbreak until a decision is made. This is only discernment time, and honestly it's something that everyone should take some time in their lives at some point to do. It seems like the situation is that if he feels a call to the priesthood, he will pursue it, but if he doesn't, than he'd stay in a relationship with you. So in the end, he may end up back with you anyway. There's nothing wrong with hoping! And it's not even hoping beyond a hope ... because there's a pretty good chance he'll come back to you.

When my husband and I were dating, a few things he said made me think he should seriously discern the priesthood. I was so torn, I didn't want to mention it to him because I was scared he would take me up on it. But I knew that I couldn't go against God's will like that, so we had a good talk about it. He said he had already discerned the priesthood a few years ago, and truly felt called to marriage -- which was a relief, but it showed me that good, holy men often think about the priesthood or say things that sound awfully "priesthood-esque". It doesn't mean they're necessarily called, and maybe your boyfriend just feels the call to become holy -- maybe he's realizing that we all have that "God-shaped hole" that only He can fill. That's a GOOD thing to realize! But it doesn't always mean we have a religious vocation.

The biggest thing I say is to really PRAY. Take this time to really work on increasing your prayer life and growth in virtue. Have you ever discerned religious life? Maybe now would be a good time to take a look at it yourself! And there's no harm in praying through the intercession of St. Joseph (or St. Raphael, I always say him because he brought my husband and I together!) that if it be God's will, that you and your boyfriend end up together. You are praying for God's will, after all! And it's never wrong to express the desires of our hearts to God After all, He already knows them!

You're in my prayers, Tink! Don't worry, God has some wonderful plans for you

[mcts]

While I'm not very good at giving advice, if you need someone to vent to, you know where I am, Erin.

[Tink]

[quote name='mcts' date='21 April 2010 - 10:49 AM' timestamp='1271861351' post='2097311']
While I'm not very good at giving advice, if you need someone to vent to, you know where I am, Erin.
[/quote]

Thanks. I'm going to whoever I can with this, honestly. I know that I'm either going to do this my way or God's way, and I want to do it right. I just wish I knew which was which.

[Buckeye]

[quote name='Tink' date='16 April 2010 - 08:30 PM' timestamp='1271460625' post='2094937']
Hi guys. I haven't been on the phorums in forever, but I was active back in 2004 I think. Anyway, could you please pray for me?

I'm 21 and I have always been pretty certain that my vocation is marriage. I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the past 14 months. We were fairly certain that we were called to marry each other.

My boyfriend just ended our relationship this week. He feels that he might want to be a priest. He has never given it serious discernment before, and has felt an increasing desire to discern it in the past couple months. He said he would love it if we remained best friends, continued strengthening our friendship, and over time he discerned that I was his future wife, and proposed to me. But obviously, he said I can't count on that or live my life clinging to that hope, because he doesn't know what the future holds.

I am beside myself and utterly broken. Please pray that I will have the grace to surrender this to the Lord and he will be clear-minded in his discernment. I don't even know what to say. I am just aching right now. We utterly epitomized the idea of two people complementing each other. We've spent almost every day together this past year. I visited he and his family in California for 3 weeks during the summer and visited for Christmas break, and he and my family are extremely close. There are just SO many memories flooding my heart, because our relationship really was completely beautiful...

Oh. wow, that is so sad. Just prayed a "Hail Mary" for you. If he goes off to the seminary, I would most definitely cut off all contact. It does not hold good to keep in touch with him if you're still in love. Either one of two things is possible. Either he truly has the calling to be a priest OR he is afraid of making a commitment. There's a lot of that going on these days. You see it in the clergy, the nuns, and married people as well as employees, employers, and all walks of life.

You sound like a lovely person and I am sure that one day soon, you will meet up with the right guy who really wants to be married and build a life together with you as his wife and mother of his kids.

God bless you.



And of course, if you have any encouraging words/advice (other than the whole 'let go, let God' thing), I would love to hear it.
[/quote]

[Buckeye]

[quote name='Tink' date='16 April 2010 - 08:30 PM' timestamp='1271460625' post='2094937']
Hi guys. I haven't been on the phorums in forever, but I was active back in 2004 I think. Anyway, could you please pray for me?

I'm 21 and I have always been pretty certain that my vocation is marriage. I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the past 14 months. We were fairly certain that we were called to marry each other.

My boyfriend just ended our relationship this week. He feels that he might want to be a priest. He has never given it serious discernment before, and has felt an increasing desire to discern it in the past couple months. He said he would love it if we remained best friends, continued strengthening our friendship, and over time he discerned that I was his future wife, and proposed to me. But obviously, he said I can't count on that or live my life clinging to that hope, because he doesn't know what the future holds.

I am beside myself and utterly broken. Please pray that I will have the grace to surrender this to the Lord and he will be clear-minded in his discernment. I don't even know what to say. I am just aching right now. We utterly epitomized the idea of two people complementing each other. We've spent almost every day together this past year. I visited he and his family in California for 3 weeks during the summer and visited for Christmas break, and he and my family are extremely close. There are just SO many memories flooding my heart, because our relationship really was completely beautiful...

Oh. wow, that is so sad. Just prayed a "Hail Mary" for you. If he goes off to the seminary, I would most definitely cut off all contact. It does not hold good to keep in touch with him if you're still in love. Either one of two things is possible. Either he truly has the calling to be a priest OR he is afraid of making a commitment. There's a lot of that going on these days. You see it in the clergy, the nuns, and married people as well as employees, employers, and all walks of life.

You sound like a lovely person and I am sure that one day soon, you will meet up with the right guy who really wants to be married and build a life together with you as his wife and mother of his kids.

God bless you.



And of course, if you have any encouraging words/advice (other than the whole 'let go, let God' thing), I would love to hear it.
[/quote]

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='Tink' date='21 April 2010 - 11:12 AM' timestamp='1271862766' post='2097319']
Thanks. I'm going to whoever I can with this, honestly. I know that I'm either going to do this my way or God's way, and I want to do it right. I just wish I knew which was which.
[/quote]

It is GOOD to feel pain! I went years holding pain inside, not wanting to deal with it. You are so much better then me already in dealing with issues like this one...one of the most painful experiences you'll ever have. To maybe have to let go of the man you love dearly is unbearable almost. Without God, it WOULD be. Embrace the pain, because it's natural and right to let it out and deal with it!! God will heal you and work everything out in His time. You are doing HIS will, nothing will go amiss. Prayers!!!!

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='CherieMadame' date='21 April 2010 - 08:04 AM' timestamp='1271847866' post='2097257']
Hey, don't get down on yourself because of that. Wouldn't we all want to react "perfectly" to any given situation? But we're broken human beings, and God knows that. I can't tell you HOW often I've told myself, "I'm going to handle this well" and then almost subconsciously I let it get out of hand ... as St. Paul said, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So please, don't get down on yourself. The emotional state you're in is never WRONG - feelings aren't sinful. What becomes sinful is what we DO with those feelings, but we can't help our emotions.

It's a great thing that he wants to give the priesthood its due discernment. That shows he's a very good man, and trying to be holy. If he decides he's not called to the priesthood, how wonderful for your relationship! And if you ever ended up getting married, he'd never have to wonder, "Oh no, is this the right vocation for me?" That's one thing that was great about the time that I spent in religious life - now I never have to wonder if marriage is the vocation God planned for me, I know it is, because I discerned both.

But if he IS called to the priesthood, maybe you can rest assured in the fact that if he is, then it's God's will, and as much as you love him now, you two never would have been completely happy together. God only wants what is BEST for us, and if he has a vocation, that's what would be best for him, yes, but remember that that would be what is best for YOU, as well!

Maybe I'm wrong, but for myself, I would say put off the heartbreak until a decision is made. This is only discernment time, and honestly it's something that everyone should take some time in their lives at some point to do. It seems like the situation is that if he feels a call to the priesthood, he will pursue it, but if he doesn't, than he'd stay in a relationship with you. So in the end, he may end up back with you anyway. There's nothing wrong with hoping! And it's not even hoping beyond a hope ... because there's a pretty good chance he'll come back to you.

When my husband and I were dating, a few things he said made me think he should seriously discern the priesthood. I was so torn, I didn't want to mention it to him because I was scared he would take me up on it. But I knew that I couldn't go against God's will like that, so we had a good talk about it. He said he had already discerned the priesthood a few years ago, and truly felt called to marriage -- which was a relief, but it showed me that good, holy men often think about the priesthood or say things that sound awfully "priesthood-esque". It doesn't mean they're necessarily called, and maybe your boyfriend just feels the call to become holy -- maybe he's realizing that we all have that "God-shaped hole" that only He can fill. That's a GOOD thing to realize! But it doesn't always mean we have a religious vocation.

The biggest thing I say is to really PRAY. Take this time to really work on increasing your prayer life and growth in virtue. Have you ever discerned religious life? Maybe now would be a good time to take a look at it yourself! And there's no harm in praying through the intercession of St. Joseph (or St. Raphael, I always say him because he brought my husband and I together!) that if it be God's will, that you and your boyfriend end up together. You are praying for God's will, after all! And it's never wrong to express the desires of our hearts to God After all, He already knows them!

You're in my prayers, Tink! Don't worry, God has some wonderful plans for you
[/quote]

I owe you a +1 for this (my daily +1 has already been used ). So very well put, CM.

Please be assured of my prayers for you, Tink.

Edited April 22, 2010 by laetitia crucis

[Tink]

Spent an hour and a half in Adoration today. It's the first time I've been to Adoration where I wasn't leading music in the background in a looooong time. Like, months. I had no idea (or had totally forgotten) that Campus Ministry has Ado from 11am-9pm Mon-Fri... so today I went to Mass and J motioned for me to come sit with him, so I did... then he asked if I'd like to talk, so we walked to the lake and chatted a few minutes and he affirmed the fact that my presence in his life was not hindering his discernment. I talked about Deitrich von Hildebrand (AMAZING guy!) and we mimicked the geese that were honking at me from like 3 feet away. Then he went to dinner and his men's purity group, and I went to Ado, and we're gonna do a Rosary later.

I feel more at peace now than I did before, after having prayed Vespers and my prayers for the Consecration and a Litany to Our Lady of Sorrows and read a bit of Story of a Soul. HA.

I also felt a huge desire to give thanks today. Standing in Mass in the Basilica (which is BEAUTIFUL), I found myself feeling overwhelmingly grateful for so many tiny things... the colored light pouring through the stained-glass windows, Jason's singing voice and the way he prays, the ability to go to Adoration, etc. And thinking about those things helped me focus less on myself, and more on God. Which I need to do.

Anyway, I'm sorry for updating this thread so constantly... I just feel like if nothing else, it serves as a bit of a cache of my thoughts. I know other men and women must go through this situation and feel as desperate as I do... right now, if you Google 'Boyfriend discerning vocation' or 'boyfriend discerning priesthood,' this thread looks to be the first result. So hopefully more people will find all of the wonderful advice you've given or will know that they aren't alone.

So, I suppose this is Day 5. And it's going pretty well. We shall see how it pans out.

[Tink]

And thank you guys for your prayers. Really, you have no idea how much it means to me in those moments where I feel utterly alone to know that someone is keeping me in their thoughts and prayers.

[quote]I owe you a +1 for this[/quote]
So do you agree with her, that I shouldn't jump into pre-emptive heartbreak? It seems to be what makes sense to me right now, and both J and my family have affirmed this idea. If his discernment becomes more serious, that will probably change, but just in this general discernment-y stage, I think perhaps it would be foolish. What CherieMadame said about hope is SO true.

I have a feeling... and it's strange to say this, because I don't want to jinx it... hahaha what a foolish thought... but anyway, I have a feeling that Jason is experiencing a very genuine and natural desire for religious life that occurs when someone experiences a very sudden deepening of devotion or radical conversion in faith. He wants holiness and he wants all of it, and so obviously the priesthood is going to become appealing in that way. Like CherieMadame said:

[quote]It doesn't mean they're necessarily called, and maybe your boyfriend just feels the call to become holy -- maybe he's realizing that we all have that "God-shaped hole" that only He can fill. That's a GOOD thing to realize! But it doesn't always mean we have a religious vocation.[/quote]


P.S. Jason and I are both finishing our sophomore years in college, but both of us will possibly be in school for an extra year because he's an engineer and I'm losing credits when I transfer. And he has said that, even if he discerns that he is called to religious life, he will not enter any seminary or take any action until after he has graduated. So... there's that. Just a side note.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Tink

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Tink' date='21 April 2010 - 10:15 PM' timestamp='1271898900' post='2097672']
And thank you guys for your prayers. Really, you have no idea how much it means to me in those moments where I feel utterly alone to know that someone is keeping me in their thoughts and prayers.

[quote name='laetitia crucis']
I owe you a +1 for this
[/quote]

[b]So do you agree with her, that I shouldn't jump into pre-emptive heartbreak?[/b] It seems to be what makes sense to me right now, and both J and my family have affirmed this idea. If his discernment becomes more serious, that will probably change, but just in this general discernment-y stage, I think perhaps it would be foolish. What CherieMadame said about hope is SO true.

I have a feeling... and it's strange to say this, because I don't want to jinx it... hahaha what a foolish thought... but anyway, [b]I have a feeling that Jason is experiencing a very genuine and natural desire for religious life that occurs when someone experiences a very sudden deepening of devotion or radical conversion in faith. He wants holiness and he wants all of it, and so obviously the priesthood is going to become appealing in that way.[/b] Like CherieMadame said:

[quote name='CherieMadame']
It doesn't mean they're necessarily called, and maybe your boyfriend just feels the call to become holy -- maybe he's realizing that we all have that "God-shaped hole" that only He can fill. That's a GOOD thing to realize! But it doesn't always mean we have a religious vocation.
[/quote]

P.S. Jason and I are both finishing our sophomore years in college, but both of us will possibly be in school for an extra year because he's an engineer and I'm losing credits when I transfer. And he has said that, even if he discerns that he is called to religious life, he will not enter any seminary or take any action until after he has graduated. So... there's that. Just a side note.
[/quote]

I most definitely agree with what CM said.

And I also agree with what you've said in this post as well -- especially the bolded bit. My best friend from university struggled a great deal in discerning her vocation to marriage. While in university I had discerned my vocation to the religious life. I had entered the Church about three years prior, and my best friend had also experienced a rather deep reversion for her faith. She's always been my "constant" when it comes to my discernment -- she's been there for me through each stage, and continues to be such a support to me. Along the way though, like you've stated in the bold part, she felt very much like Jason. She knew she desired holiness and ALL of it.. she thought perhaps the only way she would get the fullness of it was through the religious life though she wasn't certain if that's what God was asking of her.

Through time, discernment, and a lot of prayer she was finally able to realize that God is calling her to marriage -- not to be "less" holy, but to be [i]made [/i]holy in that vocation, if that makes sense. God willing, she will be getting engaged to my best guy friend within the year.

I think Jason is very lucky to have such a good friend that is supportive of his discernment. Either way, I think you will have either a very good and holy future husband, or a very good and holy future priest. It's a win/win situation.

I know this might be somewhat random to quote, but it seems somewhat appropriate for this thread (and it's been rather applicable to my own life lately):

[quote name='Mother Teresa']"Love demands sacrifice. But if we love until it hurts, God will give us His peace and joy...suffering in itself is worth nothing; but suffering shared with Christ's Passion is a beautiful gift."

and

"Love is proved by deeds. The more they cost us, the greater proof of our love."[/quote]

Perhaps it will bring you some consolation as it has for me.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='21 April 2010 - 08:15 PM' timestamp='1271898900' post='2097672']
And thank you guys for your prayers. Really, you have no idea how much it means to me in those moments where I feel utterly alone to know that someone is keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/blowkiss.gif[/img]

So do you agree with her, that I shouldn't jump into pre-emptive heartbreak? It seems to be what makes sense to me right now, and both J and my family have affirmed this idea. If his discernment becomes more serious, that will probably change, but just in this general discernment-y stage, I think perhaps it would be foolish. What CherieMadame said about hope is SO true.

I have a feeling... and it's strange to say this, because I don't want to jinx it... hahaha what a foolish thought... but anyway, I have a feeling that Jason is experiencing a very genuine and natural desire for religious life that occurs when someone experiences a very sudden deepening of devotion or radical conversion in faith. He wants holiness and he wants all of it, and so obviously the priesthood is going to become appealing in that way.

P.S. Jason and I are both finishing our sophomore years in college, but both of us will possibly be in school for an extra year because he's an engineer and I'm losing credits when I transfer. And he has said that, even if he discerns that he is called to religious life, he will not enter any seminary or take any action until after he has graduated. So... there's that. Just a side note.
[/quote]

Hey Tink! I don't know whether you FEEL better, but you SOUND better!

I agree with the others that it may be too soon to "jump into heartbreak." You've given us more information now, and it sounds like Jason is in the VERY early stages of discernment, and in any case, wouldn't go to the seminary for two or three more years.

It is VERY common for guys who are in serious relationships, especially when they are in their early 20's, to want to have some time/space to step back for awhile. When their girlfriend has given them that "room," in most cases I've seen, the guy has wanted to return to the relationship full-time, and finds that he appreciates his girlfriend more than before. Plus, as I posted earlier, at least Jason is discerning a religious vocation, not wanting to date other women!

I think this is also a good time for you to be a little "selfish," too--looking out for your own concerns and needs is not "selfish" in a bad way. This could be a good opportunity, as others have said, to get to know yourself a little better as an individual outside your relationship with Jason. Remember, I don't know you, and you may be doing this already, but even if you still see Jason a lot, you might use this time to spend a little less time with him, and more time alone or with other friends. If you marry Jason, you want to bring yourself to the marriage as a "whole individual," and not fall into the all-too-easy trap of seeing your identity with God and other people primarily as "Jason's girlfriend."

I know from hard experience that, no matter how tough it is, it's important to try to make sure you are comfortable with yourself, so that you are not afraid of being by yourself or being with other people without Jason around. One reason for this is that, in college, it is much easier to spend time with your boyfriend than when you get out into the working world. Even married couples find that they they don't have enough time together, and have to make time to spend together and really talk. For example, if both of you are working, most bosses have this "odd" idea that, just because the boss is paying your salary, you should be doing the work the boss assigned, rather than text-messaging friends. Strange, I know. LOL And, if one or both of you are working long hours, you may not see each other as much as you want, even if you are married.

The reason that I am stressing the the idea of not being afraid to be alone is because I'm divorced now, and part of the reason is that when I was engaged, I was so afraid of being alone that I ignored some very obvious "red flags" staring me in the face. I finally was forced to learn how to be comfortable alone--but I did it the hard way, when I got divorced. (My ex told me that we were getting divorced--I had no chance to try to save the marriage.) I expect you are far more independent than I was, but I had a career and supportive friends and ideally should have been more self-confident. Yet, I was so afraid to be alone that I didn't face the fact, that, while I loved my ex very much, he wasn't the right man to be my husband.

One phrase in one of your posts struck me. You said that you ".....wanted to handle this like a holy woman of God... one who patiently and quietly suffers the loss her beloved only to have him return, affirmed in his desire for marriage." Patiently and quietly suffering the loss of her beloved may be what Christ would want from you if you were married, or even betrothed to Jason. But, you are not. So, just as Jason wants some "room" to discern the priesthood, it is okay for you to have the same "room" for yourself. Far in the future, you may even look at this time as a "gift" of extra time to explore your own faith and what Christ wants for you. If there is no formal commitment, I don't think there is necessarily the expectation that a "Godly woman" will patiently wait until the man decides.

And, the strange thing is that, if you assert a little more independence, Jason may find he appreciates you more because he misses you, and sees you as a person who has the same needs as he has to discern God's will for your life. (Again, if this is what you are doing already, and I'm preaching to the choir--remember I don't know you, and forgive me.)

I think the idea of your getting a spiritual director is a great one. Even if you end up marrying Jason, you will still have your own relationship with God, to complement the relationship with God you share with Jason.

Don't feel bad about continuing to post--we're here for you when you need us. It may not always be the same person, but there is almost always someone around who is happy to listen and help if we can. Besides, we want to hear how things are going!

Take care.

Edited April 22, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' date='21 April 2010 - 11:00 PM' timestamp='1271905205' post='2097716']
Hey Tink! I don't know whether you FEEL better, but you SOUND better!

I agree with the others that it may be too soon to "jump into heartbreak." You've given us more information now, and it sounds like Jason is in the VERY early stages of discernment, and in any case, wouldn't go to the seminary for two or three more years.

It is VERY common for guys who are in serious relationships, especially when they are in their early 20's, to want to have some time/space to step back for awhile. When their girlfriend has given them that "room," in most cases I've seen, the guy has wanted to return to the relationship full-time, and finds that he appreciates his girlfriend more than before. Plus, as I posted earlier, at least Jason is discerning a religious vocation, not wanting to date other women!

I think this is also a good time for you to be a little "selfish," too--looking out for your own concerns and needs is not "selfish" in a bad way. This could be a good opportunity, as others have said, to get to know yourself a little better as an individual outside your relationship with Jason. Remember, I don't know you, and you may be doing this already, but even if you still see Jason a lot, you might use this time to spend a little less time with him, and more time alone or with other friends. If you marry Jason, you want to bring yourself to the marriage as a "whole individual," and not fall into the all-too-easy trap of seeing your identity with God and other people primarily as "Jason's girlfriend."

I know from hard experience that, no matter how tough it is, it's important to try to make sure you are comfortable with yourself, so that you are not afraid of being by yourself or being with other people without Jason around. One reason for this is that, in college, it is much easier to spend time with your boyfriend than when you get out into the working world. Even married couples find that they they don't have enough time together, and have to make time to spend together and really talk. For example, if both of you are working, most bosses have this "odd" idea that, just because the boss is paying your salary, you should be doing the work the boss assigned, rather than text-messaging friends. Strange, I know. LOL And, if one or both of you are working long hours, you may not see each other as much as you want, even if you are married.

The reason that I am stressing the the idea of not being afraid to be alone is because I'm divorced now, and part of the reason is that when I was engaged, I was so afraid of being alone that I ignored some very obvious "red flags" staring me in the face. I finally was forced to learn how to be comfortable alone--but I did it the hard way, when I got divorced. (My ex told me that we were getting divorced--I had no chance to try to save the marriage.) I expect you are far more independent than I was, but I had a career and supportive friends and ideally should have been more self-confident. Yet, I was so afraid to be alone that I didn't face the fact, that, while I loved my ex very much, he wasn't the right man to be my husband.

One phrase in one of your posts struck me. You said that you ".....wanted to handle this like a holy woman of God... one who patiently and quietly suffers the loss her beloved only to have him return, affirmed in his desire for marriage." Patiently and quietly suffering the loss of her beloved may be what Christ would want from you if you were married, or even betrothed to Jason. But, you are not. So, just as Jason wants some "room" to discern the priesthood, it is okay for you to have the same "room" for yourself. Far in the future, you may even look at this time as a "gift" of extra time to explore your own faith and what Christ wants for you. If there is no formal commitment, I don't think there is necessarily the expectation that a "Godly woman" will patiently wait until the man decides.

And, the strange thing is that, if you assert a little more independence, Jason may find he appreciates you more because he misses you, and sees you as a person who has the same needs as he has to discern God's will for your life. (Again, if this is what you are doing already, and I'm preaching to the choir--remember I don't know you, and forgive me.)

I think the idea of your getting a spiritual director is a great one. Even if you end up marrying Jason, you will still have your own relationship with God, to complement the relationship with God you share with Jason.

Don't feel bad about continuing to post--we're here for you when you need us. It may not always be the same person, but there is almost always someone around who is happy to listen and help if we can. Besides, we want to hear how things are going!

Take care.
[/quote]

I agree with you 115% with what you wrote!!!!! Very well put. After breaking up with my ex fiance it was SO hard to be alone!!! And he had to break up with ME to figure out we weren't meant to be together.

Anyway, being "alone" can be scary sometimes! But this time in my life has been such an amazing blessing! I've been forced to be comfortable in my own skin without a man in my life. Long story short, I agree with you completely! Wise words indeed for anyone to read!

Tink, is it hard to see him all of the time? Since you guys are taking a break ect. I can imagine how that would be difficult. And Adoration is a wonderful way to cope with everything you're bravely going through!

[Tink]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' date='21 April 2010 - 11:00 PM' timestamp='1271905205' post='2097716']
I agree with the others that it may be too soon to "jump into heartbreak." You've given us more information now, and it sounds like Jason is in the VERY early stages of discernment, and in any case, wouldn't go to the seminary for two or three more years.

It is VERY common for guys who are in serious relationships, especially when they are in their early 20's, to want to have some time/space to step back for awhile. When their girlfriend has given them that "room," in most cases I've seen, the guy has wanted to return to the relationship full-time, and finds that he appreciates his girlfriend more than before. Plus, as I posted earlier, at least Jason is discerning a religious vocation, not wanting to date other women!
[/quote]

Yes, it is very early. Glad I'm not being silly. And this breakup did come just after the most stressful point in our relationship- as we had been fighting a lot and hadn't yet learned how to avoid and resolve issues of competitiveness and pride. This very rapidly changed, but I wouldn't be surprised if he felt the need to step back and take everything in.

[quote]

I think this is also a good time for you to be a little "selfish," too--looking out for your own concerns and needs is not "selfish" in a bad way. This could be a good opportunity, as others have said, to get to know yourself a little better as an individual outside your relationship with Jason. Remember, I don't know you, and you may be doing this already, but even if you still see Jason a lot, you might use this time to spend a little less time with him, and more time alone or with other friends. If you marry Jason, you want to bring yourself to the marriage as a "whole individual," and not fall into the all-too-easy trap of seeing your identity with God and other people primarily as "Jason's girlfriend." [/quote]

That I am doing, thankfully. Today we saw each other for Mass, about a 15 minute talk afterward, and 20 minutes for the Rosary. This may sound like a normal amount of time, but this is cut WAY back from sitting and studying and hanging out and watching movies for several hours a day. It's not that I don't have friends... it's just that it's taken me awhile to find them. I don't go to Notre Dame yet, I'm hoping to transfer next spring, but I'm still really involved on campus. Indiana University south bend (my school) holds nothing for me. It's a dead end both spiritually and intellectually. It's taken me awhile to really find my place here at Notre Dame, but I'm spending a LOT more time with friends lately. I've spent an equal or larger amount of time with friends than I have with Jason, and it has really affected us the way you said it would. He seems to want to spend time with me, miss me, say sweet things to me, etc. a little more than usual.

[quote]
I know from hard experience that, no matter how tough it is, it's important to try to make sure you are comfortable with yourself, so that you are not afraid of being by yourself or being with other people without Jason around[/quote]

No worries there. I'm one of those really extroverted and individualistic people, and for the most part I'm totally comfortable with myself (small bouts of depression here and there, but otherwise I'm good). It's not that I'm afraid of being alone. I just ache at the thought of not having [i]him[/i] in my life.

[quote]
One phrase in one of your posts struck me. You said that you ".....wanted to handle this like a holy woman of God... one who patiently and quietly suffers the loss her beloved only to have him return, affirmed in his desire for marriage." Patiently and quietly suffering the loss of her beloved may be what Christ would want from you if you were married, or even betrothed to Jason. But, you are not. So, just as Jason wants some "room" to discern the priesthood, it is okay for you to have the same "room" for yourself. Far in the future, you may even look at this time as a "gift" of extra time to explore your own faith and what Christ wants for you. If there is no formal commitment, I don't think there is necessarily the expectation that a "Godly woman" will patiently wait until the man decides.
[/quote]

I'm so sorry, I must have phrased that poorly. I specifically avoided the use of the word 'wait' because I'm trying not to do that. What I was trying to say was that in my head, it was playing out like one of those Christian 'how I met my husband and we fell in love after a long ordeal' courting-type books. I hoped that I would be able to react like one of those women like Elizabeth Elliot, who accept their beloved's decision and suffer through the heartbreak, giving themselves up to God's will gracefully... and then being delightfully surprised when their beloved returns with professions of love.

I know it's terribly idealistic, but I wanted to be that holy, graceful woman who breaks down to the Lord but keeps a supportive, selfless friendship with her beloved. I didn't mean I'd wait for him. I'm not sure how to stop myself, necessarily, but I'm certainly not intending to wait for him.


Man, Ignatius, I love your posts. They are so uplifting.

I am ever so sorry that you've suffered through a divorce. I will pray for you. How heartbreaking.


[quote]Tink, is it hard to see him all of the time?[/quote]

NO! Not at all! It is very difficult to be apart from him, but since we are still very close and, as I've said 4 billion times (I feel so repetitive! haha) we care for each other deeply, it is still absolutely wonderful being around him. Especially today, knowing that one way or another we were both being drawn DEEPLY into the heart of God. One of the things I was worried about in the beginning of our relationship was whether he was spiritually mature enough to lead me in my faith, and right now he's doing that to a crazy extent. He is setting such an example for me. I cherish it.

Tonight, we prayed the Rosary in whispers at the grotto, and it was freezing, so he opened his coat and put his arm around me so I was inside it. Not unusual for him. I had the hood of my hoodie up, but we were cheek to cheek saying the joyful mysteries and the Litany of Loretto. I know that sounds dangerously close, but it wasn't. It was just really intimate and really beautiful and I didn't control or direct any of it. That's been a huge vice of mine in every relationship of my life... but lately I'm letting him lead, and it's beautiful.

As he's told me, his discernment of religious life involves discerning marriage as well. They go hand in hand. Since he always just assumed he was called to be married, he never looked at marriage from a discernment perspective, either. And we both know that if we get back together, we want to do a lot of things in our relationship differently. So I think right now is a lot of him discerning his vocation, and a little bit of us discerning how we relate to each other. So far, the transformation is beautiful. But that may just be the Adoration and Rosary talking.

And laetitia crucis, those quotes are BEAUTIFUL. Thank you. I will write them down and keep them in mind.

aaaaaaand I said the word beautiful like 3495039485 times in that post.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Tink

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='Tink' date='22 April 2010 - 12:58 AM' timestamp='1271912290' post='2097822']


NO! Not at all! It is very difficult to be apart from him, but since we are still very close and, as I've said 4 billion times (I feel so repetitive! haha) we care for each other deeply, it is still absolutely wonderful being around him. Especially today, knowing that one way or another we were both being drawn DEEPLY into the heart of God. One of the things I was worried about in the beginning of our relationship was whether he was spiritually mature enough to lead me in my faith, and right now he's doing that to a crazy extent. He is setting such an example for me. I cherish it.

Tonight, we prayed the Rosary in whispers at the grotto, and it was freezing, so he opened his coat and put his arm around me so I was inside it. Not unusual for him. I had the hood of my hoodie up, but we were cheek to cheek saying the joyful mysteries and the Litany of Loretto. I know that sounds dangerously close, but it wasn't. It was just really intimate and really beautiful and I didn't control or direcany of it. That's been a huge vice of mine in every relationship of my life... but lately I'm letting him lead, and it's beautiful.

As he's told me, his discernment of religious life involves discerning marriage as well. They go hand in hand. Since he always just assumed he was called to be married, he never looked at marriage from a discernment perspective, either. And we both know that if we get back together, we want to do a lot of things in our relationship differently. So I think right now is a lot of him discerning his vocation, and a little bit of us discerning how we relate to each other. So far, the transformation is beautiful. But that may just be the Adoration and Rosary talking.

And laetitia crucis, those quotes are BEAUTIFUL. Thank you. I will write them down and keep them in mind.

aaaaaaand I said the word beautiful like 3495039485 times in that post.
[/quote]

I understand what you are saying, and your situation might be different then others.

If I were seriously discerning the religious life I would NOT be able to be that close to a man I loved. And when you said "I know it sounds dangerously close" ...It's because it IS dangerously close. I know I sound harsh, but if one is REALLY discerning the religious life I personally don't believe it's healthy to be that close to someone. (From experience) it doesn't help the discernment process at all.

Many of my friends who were dating had to REALLY not date to discern their religious vocation, because if they didn't walk away from that human they really loved, their mind was constantly clouded. They would call me and be confused! "Why is it so hard to discern?" For obvious reasons! I never told them what they needed to do, since it's THEIR discernment process, but I would pray for them and if they really were called to the religious life they figured it out and broke up with their b/f/g/f for a time, because discerning is so much easier that way.

Anyway, I'm still praying for ya. Good luck.