Boyfriend Thinks He May Want To Be A Priest.

[Tink]

Hi guys. I haven't been on the phorums in forever, but I was active back in 2004 I think. Anyway, could you please pray for me?

I'm 21 and I have always been pretty certain that my vocation is marriage. I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the past 14 months. We were fairly certain that we were called to marry each other.

My boyfriend just ended our relationship this week. He feels that he might want to be a priest. He has never given it serious discernment before, and has felt an increasing desire to discern it in the past couple months. He said he would love it if we remained best friends, continued strengthening our friendship, and over time he discerned that I was his future wife, and proposed to me. But obviously, he said I can't count on that or live my life clinging to that hope, because he doesn't know what the future holds.

I am beside myself and utterly broken. Please pray that I will have the grace to surrender this to the Lord and he will be clear-minded in his discernment. I don't even know what to say. I am just aching right now. We utterly epitomized the idea of two people complementing each other. We've spent almost every day together this past year. I visited he and his family in California for 3 weeks during the summer and visited for Christmas break, and he and my family are extremely close. There are just SO many memories flooding my heart, because our relationship really was completely beautiful...


And of course, if you have any encouraging words/advice (other than the whole 'let go, let God' thing), I would love to hear it.

[LilyofSaintMaria]

My advice would be to first realize that your friend is probably going through the same disappointment and aches you are going through. You need to encourage and help him discern his vocation because you are so close to him. Pray together, talk about the priesthood together, learn about the priesthood and consecrated life. If his yearning for the priesthood grows then I am sure you will begin to see God's hand in it. If it begins to subside, it may not be the real deal. But either way, never lose hope because both ways you will be gaining a wonderful Father or a wonderful husband! BTW, I have a friend who went through something you are going through right now. Her boyfriend is in the Seminary. I also had another friend going through something similar, but her boyfriend is now her husband. It can work both ways . . . time and prayers will tell.

[Totus Tuus]

What she said

And also... I was in the same situation, except, I was the one on the discerning side. I am pretty certain it was harder for me to take time off for discernment than it was for him to accept it. Not saying it's the same in your case, but just emphasizing that it really is just as, if not more stressful and painful to be the one having to deal the blow.

My boyfriend at the time was not my best friend, and we didn't have as beautiful a relationship as you seem to have, so my circumstances were different. I [i]did[/i] discern, after taking that heart-wrenching break to do so, that to the best of my knowledge I was called to marriage, though, and as a result I am now engaged to the man of my dreams (It didn't work out with the other guy because it wasn't mean to be, but it didn't have anything to do with the fact I had taken time off to discern... that actually didn't really weaken our relationship at all.)

So I'm just trying to encourage you to hang in there. I am not going to give you any cliches. I was a basket case when I went through this, and for you it's probably even harder because your relationship is longer, closer, and deeper than mine was. But I do know where you're coming from. It's not easy and I'm not going to pretend there's a magic recipe that makes it all better. But TRUST. t.r.u.s.t. That's going to be the best thing right now.

God love you!
Lauren

Edited April 17, 2010 by Totus Tuus

[CatherineM]

I guess the only thing I have to add is that I've been told the best spouses are those who have pursued discernment. Possibly because they have discerned their vocation rather than just falling into marriage, or possibly because they have a deeper spirituality in the first place. My husband also pursued priesthood, but was turned away due to his illness. He's now seriously discerning whether he is called to be a Deacon. If so, I will be preparing his papers for a dispensation to pursue it in spite of his illness.

[Thomist-in-Training]

[quote name='LilyofSaintMaria' date='16 April 2010 - 07:58 PM' timestamp='1271462311' post='2094947']
BTW, I have a friend who went through something you are going through right now. Her boyfriend is in the Seminary. I also had another friend going through something similar, but her boyfriend is now her husband. It can work both ways . . . time and prayers will tell.
[/quote]

My friends have been going through this too. Different ways for everyone. One girl I know was [i]quite [/i] enamoured of the religious life (I mean, in a grown-up way, not a starry-eyed way), and made a retreat where she just kept seeing the face of her old boyfriend. They are engaged... (Like Catherine said, I feel that if one has any thought of a vocation at all, it is much better to follow it out and see, than always be unsure.)

Others the story isn't over yet so I don't know what will happen. But other people do have to go through this and it's tough but just like Lily said it can end in all kinds of ways, some unexpected (as some of the developments among my friends have been). Maybe read "Come Rack! Come Rope!" which is a great novel about the English martyrs and it sort of involves a situation like that. I think this is sort of like the feeling I used to try to have when I had auditioned for a play--you had to convince yourself to feel at the same time that you would get the part of [i]course[/i], and you wouldn't get it and you would be just fine anyway. I [i]will [/i]pray for you.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

[quote name='Tink' date='16 April 2010 - 06:30 PM' timestamp='1271460625' post='2094937']
Hi guys. I haven't been on the phorums in forever, but I was active back in 2004 I think. Anyway, could you please pray for me?

I'm 21 and I have always been pretty certain that my vocation is marriage. I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the past 14 months. We were fairly certain that we were called to marry each other.

My boyfriend just ended our relationship this week. He feels that he might want to be a priest. He has never given it serious discernment before, and has felt an increasing desire to discern it in the past couple months. He said he would love it if we remained best friends, continued strengthening our friendship, and over time he discerned that I was his future wife, and proposed to me. But obviously, he said I can't count on that or live my life clinging to that hope, because he doesn't know what the future holds.

I am beside myself and utterly broken. Please pray that I will have the grace to surrender this to the Lord and he will be clear-minded in his discernment. I don't even know what to say. I am just aching right now. We utterly epitomized the idea of two people complementing each other. We've spent almost every day together this past year. I visited he and his family in California for 3 weeks during the summer and visited for Christmas break, and he and my family are extremely close. There are just SO many memories flooding my heart, because our relationship really was completely beautiful...


And of course, if you have any encouraging words/advice (other than the whole 'let go, let God' thing), I would love to hear it.
[/quote]

[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/console.gif[/img] My heart goes out to you. I (and others on this phorum, I'm sure) have experienced the kind of pain you are going through. It feels as if a knife has been stuck in your heart, and there is a huge hollow place that you wonder whether it will ever go away. The good news is that, over time (and the amount of time is different for different people), the pain may still be there, but it won't be so sharp--at least not all the time. Unexpectedly, some small memory may bring back the shooting pain. But, over time, it WILL get better. I promise.

You are a good person. One of the defintions of love is wanting what's best for the other person, no matter how hard it is for you. You are showing your boyfriend how much you love him by giving him the freedom to discern what God wants for him, no matter how much it hurts you.

It sounds like you have been both lucky and wise in choosing your boyfriend:

--He is a man of God, who listens to God's voice, no matter how difficult the message.
--He is honest with you about his feelings, as much as he would like to spare you the pain. If your boyfriend feels he may be discerning a vocation, it is much better for you that he does it now, while you are young, and before you get married. Many men do not have the courage to do this, and wait until they have their 40's crisis after years of marriage, before admitting to themselves and their wives that marriage may not have been the best choice for him.

If you can, try to stay in contact with your boyfriend, and work on strengthening your friendship in a different direction. But, if you need to set some limits on the friendship, that's okay, too. You need to protect yourself emotionally.

Depending on how long his discernment takes, you may want to hold off on dating awhile (although, I expect you don't feel like dating others right now anyway). Wait until your emotions and the situation settle in somewhat and your feelings are a little more in control. Rebound relationships can be very bad sometimes.

Every good relationship, whether married or not, goes through tough times, sometimes very difficult times that test the relationship. The skills you learn in dealing with this will serve you in good stead in the future, whatever the future brings.

Let me be realistic for a minute--even though it's difficult right now. There IS a chance that your boyfriend will decide that he is called to a religious vocation. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you--only that God may need him more right now.

If your vocation is marriage, God will find you a husband. Since you have had such a good role model in your current relationship, you now know what it is to love a Godly, caring man, and you will settle for no less. The very sad truth is that just because we truly love someone, that doesn't meant that they are meant to be our husband.

I am not someone who believes that we have only one "soulmate." In fact, I have met at least 3 or 4 soulmates, but none of them was right to be my husband for various reasons. Just think, if you had made different choices in your life, if you had chosen to live in a different city, you may never have met your boyfriend. And, yet, God would have found you a loving husband no matter where you lived.

If your boyfriend does decide to become a priest, you have given him a wonderful gift. Unlike many priests, he will understand what it feels like to be in a loving, caring relationship. If he becomes a priest, he will be a better priest because of you.

But, that is in the future. For now, be kind to youself. All of your feelings are normal--and let's be honest, it's going to hurt like heck, and it's not going to go away completely. And, you KNOW that you have done the right thing by giving your boyfriend the freedom to discern--at least he didn't break up because he wanted to chase other women!

I refuse to believe that God will not reward your unconditional love for your boyfriend by giving you a future life that is anything but loving and fulfilling.

And, you willl be a wiser person for having gone through this searing pain. You will be able to help others, because you honestly understand what the pain feels like.

Take care. We'll be praying for you. And, come back once in awhile to keep us updated.

Edited April 17, 2010 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[dominicansoul]

i know everything seems rocky right now, and you are in agony...
...but this happened for a reason, and I'm almost positive that it will strengthen y'alls relationship...whether it will bring y'all together like you wish, or it will bring y'all closer as friends...the thing to concentrate on is you two are going through this TOGETHER...

Love welcomes sacrifice...and if you truly love him, you will want what is best for him and his life...I know it hurts like crazy right now, and truly, there are no words that will help...only prayer...only prayer...

[Tink]

Thank you guys, your responses are awesome.

I hope I didn't paint our relationship in a false light. While it has been completely beautiful in its essence, it has definitely had trials. This makes it all the more difficult to let it go. We've had immense struggles with purity, problems arguing over absolutely nothing, bouts of sarcasm, and doubts (only on my side, in the beginning). But, over time, one by one, we dealt with each of these things and were triumphant over them. We've gotten through so many things in just a year, and it has been beautiful to see him grow from a rather immature, praise-and-worshipy type 'feel good Catholic' to a more rounded, theologically-minded, totally-in-love-with-God-and-the-Church man (who still loves P&W, of course. We actually met in a P&W band!).

I don't want him to feel crowded or pressured in this process, so I don't know how much we will 'Pray together, talk about the priesthood together, learn about the priesthood and consecrated life' together, but I will definitely be there for him as much as I can.

It's just really hard waking up in the morning and not knowing if he will be part of my day. We still see each other and spend time together a lot, but I'm trying to give him a little space and it's very difficult.

Anyway, thank you guys. You're the best.

[Tink]

Oh, and if you remember any of my posts in the past, this is NOT the same guy I was dating when I wrote my last 'heartbroken' thread. It became clear to me very quickly that THAT relationship was not of the Lord, not for the Lord, and not pleasing the Lord. I healed very quickly once I realized that. Strangely enough, my current (ex-)boyfriend came onto the scene just a few weeks later. Our relationship is 100% different.

Um, just so y'all know. I'm not some crazy who's constantly bouncing from one guy to another...

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='Tink' date='17 April 2010 - 05:49 PM' timestamp='1271540957' post='2095237']

Um, just so y'all know. I'm not some crazy who's constantly bouncing from one guy to another...
[/quote]

Of course. Those kinds of people don't stay in relationships for 14+ months

[Tink]

This is true.

[vee]

[quote name='Tink' date='18 April 2010 - 07:17 AM' timestamp='1271539059' post='2095226']

It's just really hard waking up in the morning and not knowing if he will be part of my day. We still see each other and spend time together a lot, but I'm trying to give him a little space and it's very difficult.

[/quote]

I can understand your situation from the point of view of the one thinking they might have the vocation. It is very heart wrenching to have to say to someone you care about and love that you think you might be called to the priesthood or religious life. One thing to hold on to is Christ as He will always be part of your day, He is always there even when no one else is. Focus on Christ.

[Tink]

Hi guys. Just an update.

We've talked about things a bit since a few days ago. He read all your responses, and we talked a bit about them. He's said that he's not set on religious life at all, there's a significant chance it could be a fleeting thing and that as such, while we should honor the reality of our breakup, it could go either way.

Right now, the hardest feeling is that over over-attachment. Honestly, when we were in a relationship, I wasn't possessive or jealous or anything like that, but now that I've "lost" the one (human) relationship that I cherish most, I feel a tendency to be clingy and afraid. I wake up feeling a weight on my chest, and automatically want to text him first thing in the morning (which we've decided is okay). But usually he's busy and doesn't respond... which I normally wouldn't mind or take notice of, but given the circumstances, I'm fighting feelings of loneliness during my classes. When I'm spending time with other friends, I'm okay and happy and don't notice, but any idle time or time not preoccupied leaves me feeling strange, alone, and afraid.

Gosh, I sound like a high school girl. This is sad.

I'm going to campus ministry tomorrow to check in to getting a spiritual/vocational director. I feel like this is a huge opportunity to go so much deeper during this time of 'solitude', but I'm so afraid that I'm going to keep clinging to Jason and not allow myself to rest in God's arms.

I have no idea how to let go.

Edited April 20, 2010 by Tink

[Archaeology cat]

[Ora et Labora]

[quote name='Tink' date='20 April 2010 - 01:45 AM' timestamp='1271742311' post='2096615']
Hi guys. Just an update.

We've talked about things a bit since a few days ago. He read all your responses, and we talked a bit about them. He's said that he's not set on religious life at all, there's a significant chance it could be a fleeting thing and that as such, while we should honor the reality of our breakup, it could go either way.

Right now, the hardest feeling is that over over-attachment. Honestly, when we were in a relationship, I wasn't possessive or jealous or anything like that, but now that I've "lost" the one (human) relationship that I cherish most, I feel a tendency to be clingy and afraid. I wake up feeling a weight on my chest, and automatically want to text him first thing in the morning (which we've decided is okay). But usually he's busy and doesn't respond... which I normally wouldn't mind or take notice of, but given the circumstances, I'm fighting feelings of loneliness during my classes. When I'm spending time with other friends, I'm okay and happy and don't notice, but any idle time or time not preoccupied leaves me feeling strange, alone, and afraid.

Gosh, I sound like a high school girl. This is sad.

I'm going to campus ministry tomorrow to check in to getting a spiritual/vocational director. I feel like this is a huge opportunity to go so much deeper during this time of 'solitude', but I'm so afraid that I'm going to keep clinging to Jason and not allow myself to rest in God's arms.

I have no idea how to let go.


[/quote]

It will all be okay!!

A little over a year ago, my boyfriend who I had been dating for 15 months or so, broke up with me suddenly telling me it just wasn't meant to be. I didn't see it coming at all. Others did I'm sure, but I didn't want to even see that there was a change we weren't meant to marry. But unlike your situation, our families did not get along, and his family disliked me as well. So it was a lot more stressful inside the relationship. That didn't make the pain lessen though.

After he and I broke up, I would also txt him still! Even call him more then once a week. I had no idea how to let him go. When you go over a year talking to someone every single day, it's nearly impossible to stop completely. But you slowly learn how to go through the day without having to text him or hear his voice. It's such a blessing that you two are still friends. But space seems like a good idea for both of you right now.

He and I were good friends as well, and he was a practicing Catholic who tried to be a very good man. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I know how you feel for the most part. And it does hurt very, very much at first. But time WILL heal. I know you've heard that line before, but remembering that helped me. It's hard to just start living a "single" life again after a long relationship!! But you seem to be going about everything in a very healthy light, and you should be very proud of yourself for that!! I KNOW God is watching over both of you, and no matter where you both are headed, He has a WONDERFUL plan! It might be hard to see now, but it's very true.

Prayers!
Kristina

Edited April 20, 2010 by Ora et Labora