Changing Regular Confessors

[zunshynn]

This might be a stupid question, and I'm sure there aren't any documents that address the subject so it may be better suited for Open Mic , but I mostly wanted the priests on the forum to see it, which is why I posted here. (I don't mind if anyone else adds something though).

[b]Basically, I'm unsure about how a person should go about getting a regular confessor... do you ask if they would be willing to be your regular confessor, or do you just start going regularly to the same priest (which is pretty much what I have always done)?

When you first start going to a new confessor is it a good idea to identify yourself somehow until they become more familiar with you/can recognize your voice?[/b] (at my home parish the priests hear confessions face to face so that hasn't been an issue... which is actually one of the reasons I want to change, although it isn't the only reason... I don't mind if the priest knows who I am, but I'm sort of uncomfortable being able to see him while I'm confessing... and I just sort of like real confessionals... is that a superficial reason to change though?)

I realize that it's important not to change confessors on a whim, and I don't think that's what I'm doing. At the same time though, I feel sort of bad about this, like I'm being ungrateful because I know that he really did try to help me, especially with scrupulosity. I'd been going to confession to him because my home parish was the easiest place to go, but I really haven't been at peace, and have been ignoring a feeling that I should change confessors for some time because I didn't want to be inconsiderate or change for a petty reason.

But the past couple of weeks I started going to confession at the EF parish where I usually go to mass on Sunday, and one of the priests in particular has set me at peace more than I have been for a long time... so it just seemed like a good fit. He also advised me that it would be a good idea for me to go to one regular confessor that knows me (due to a kind of distressing situation that took place in the confessional with a different priest that didn't know me and didn't realize that I struggle with scrupulosity.) This priest doesn't really know me already, but I still think that he would be a good fit for my confessor. But [b]is it best if you already know a priest to some extent before they become one's regular confessor?[/b] The only priest that really "knows" me around where I live is my current confessor and even that was only through going to confession to him regularly, as I didn't know him prior to leaving the monastery and moving back to my parish... so I guess what I mean is, [b]how well should a confessor know a pentitent before becoming their regular confessor?[/b]

I realized I was writing a lot so I bolded my actual questions to make it simpler but kept everything else because it might help to understand the context. Sorry if it's confusing or muddled. Thank you for your help though!

Edited March 21, 2010 by zunshynn

[Jaime]

I know you want priests to answer this but you said it was ok for others to as well. I've had a regular confessor for almost three years and I didn't know him until the first time I went to confession with him. We generally do an hour of spiritual direction, then we close with confession. And yes I agree that having a a regular confessor is extremely helpful. However (and I can't stress this enough) even if though I see my priest monthly, he has told me dozens of times that he fully supports the idea of me going to confession other times when he is not available. My confessor genuinely cares for me and he prays for me daily. But I know he wouldn't be hurt or offended if I never came to him in the confessional again. While a regular confessor is a wonderful thing, it is clear that this is a one way relationship.Which means that everything flows to the penitent.

I have only met one priest in my life that wasn't thrilled when someone asked to schedule confession time. I've had more than one priest say "Does now work for you?" And I think asking at the end of the confession "Would you mind if I scheduled another one with you again soon?" is perfectly appropriate. And again, if you change to another priest a few months down the road, I am quite certain the former priest is not going to mind one bit.

I've known quite a few priests in my time. And to be honest there were more than a couple that I thought were horrible with people, bad at ministry, or just plain rude. But something happens in the sacrament. Those same priests that infuriated me in the world were really really good in the confessional.

The sacrament of reconciliation is all about you! (and me and .. well you get my point) there are people who go weekly and there are people who go annually. there are people who go every decade (whether they need it or not) The fact that you take it seriously is good. I don't think it needs to be over examined as to who hears it or "who becomes your regular confessor".

That being said, if I've misstated anything, I defer to the priests on this board! (and I will confess my error in a few weeks with my confessor)

[Theologian in Training]

I think before you answer those questions, you need to answer the most important, are you looking for a spiritual director or just a confessor? I know scrupulous people tend to gravitate to one particular priest because they know their situation better and have a "history" with the person, but the type of priest is very important, especially with those who deal with scrupulosity. (I am saying this from experience, from having to deal with many scrupulous people in my life).

However, if you want to change your confessor that is fairly simple process, you just start going to that particular priest for confession. Sometimes you can tell them, but, eventually, they will figure it out, especially if they see you more often than not. I do have to say that if you really want him to spend ample time with you, eventually, you are going to have to see him face to face. I had more than a few that would only come before the screen, but eventually starting coming to me for direction and confession. Also, that helps for the priest to get to know you better than always being behind the screen. While there is nothing wrong with it, if you want that "connection" that you seem to be implying, well, then you need to let the priest know who you are. The only problem, however, with that is that, technically, though the priest may know who you are, if you are dealing with a certain issue, he is not really supposed to mention it himself, nor even reference past confessions, since they are protected by the seal. In that case, you might be better off getting a spiritual director with whom you can go to confession, this way if things that come up in confession also come up in direction, though it is also guarded by confidentiality, there is not a "seal" with it.

Those are a few things you need to consider before deciding if you want to change your confessor or if you are, actually, looking for a spiritual director.

God bless

Fr. Brian