Online Dating

[CatherineM]

When I started with Ave Maria, I told myself I was ready to go wherever the Holy Spirit wanted to take me. I was in a position where I could move anywhere I wanted to, well except Oklahoma since there's a price on my head there. To be honest, when he said he lived in Alberta, I wasn't sure where that was. I had this vague idea about Canada as being kind of horseshoe shaped. I knew there was British Colombia north of Washington state, and Toronto north of New York somewhere. When he told me Alberta was north of Montana, I was shocked. I didn't think anyone lived north of Montana. In my own defense, I've never had a formal geography class. It wasn't required in high school or college, and it was opposite music in parochial school. The fact that I'm now married to a man with a PhD in Geography in a place I didn't know existed is ironic I'm sure.

The moral of this story, as I look out my patio window at a new dusting of snow, is when the Holy Spirit answers a prayer, you can't then say, "but couldn't you have found someone who lived a bit closer to the Equator."

[Socrates]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='21 March 2010 - 09:42 PM' timestamp='1269222160' post='2077273']
My mom knows how to check someone's criminal background. She's even done that for my friends.

Also, you can use a webcam to see if you're really talking to who think you are.

The only thing that I see being a problem was if I ended up joining a site like Ave Maria singles and married someone, that my kids wouldn't be very careful about it. Minors especially need to be careful. Haven't we all heard of horror stories about predators contacting young girls online pretending to be younger and then when they meet...

"Well you and dad met online and you're happily married."
[/quote]
Minors aren't allowed on sites like Ave Maria and Catholic Match. You have to be at least 18 to join. Sure, it's probably easy enough to lie about your age, but as a parent, you should monitor this stuff while your kids are still under-aged.

I think fear that your (future) kids will do something dumb is a weird reason to avoid this avenue of meeting people. There's always a chance they will run into unsavory characters in "real life" too. My worst dating experience, in terms of dishonesty and such, was with someone I met at work.

I don't think it's a big problem if you take all the recommended precautions - meet in a public place, etc.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

I tried "regular" online dating and I found it didn't work for me, because one thing that I, at least, can't tell about a person from talking to them online is whether there is "physical chemistry." I'm not advocating that anyone compromise their beliefs and practices on "purity." It's just that, in marriage, it's really nice (to put it mildly) to feel a strong physical chemistry toward your spouse. For some people, "physical chemistry" can grow over time. Certainly in countries/traditions with arranged marriages, you'd hope that that would happen. But speaking only for myself, I found that I was not one of those people for whom physical chemistry could "grow"--either there was physical chemistry from the start or there wasn't--it never "grew," although I tried very hard.

I felt "shallow" when I would meet someone who was a very good man, but, even after multiple dates, I just couldn't love him "that way." People are different (obviously) in the extent to which physical chemistry is important and whether, for them, it can grow over time or not. For me, physical chemistry is very important (but obviously FAR from the most important consideration in a marriage partner). And, although I wished sometimes that I was one of those people for whom "physical chemistry" can grow, I learned the hard way in my marriage that trying to pretend you are something you are not because you WANT to feel differently or think you SHOULD feel differently, can be fatal to a marriage. Okay, back to dating.....

I tried "regular" online dating multiple times (and followed all the precautions others have mentioned). I had a number of dates but none of them lasted past the first date.

Then I found a different kind of "online dating." I know this doesn't necessarily apply in the original poster's circumstances, but I found that what worked for me was being part of an Internet community composed of people who lived in the same general geographic area. The Internet group would "talk" all week over the Internet, and then there was an open invitation to come to a designated meeting place every Friday night. Because of the Internet "talking," we got to know each other much better and faster than we would in traditional dating, but we also got to meet the other people in person, and see what they were like "live," not to mention find out if there was any possibility of physical attraction. I found that some people are EXACTLY the same person when you meet them as they are online, and others are not. The ones who were not (mostly) weren't trying to mislead people, it's just that their writing wasn't as good a source for information on what they were like as it was for other people.

For me, this was the best of both worlds, and I dated several of the guys I met online through this group. None of them grew into a permanent relationship, but, for me, it was a good way to "get my feet wet" in the dating world after having been married a long time (and having exclusively dated my ex-husband for 3-4 years before our wedding).

If someone (like the original poster) doesn't live in an urban area, or lives in an area where there are few Catholics, using a combination of Skype and "talking" online could possibly come pretty close to this kind of arrangement. It's still better to meet someone in person, but you can tell a lot from a Skype-type conversation.

Bottom line: IMHO, Internet dating CAN be useful and helpful (obviously, since I have known of several successful marriages that resulted from meeting online, in addition to those mentioned in this thread), but it has its drawbacks, too. And, I want to stress that the "precautions" mentioned by other posters are necessary, not "just a good idea." I never had a "bad" or "scary" experience in online dating, but that was because I was VERY careful.

As usual, my 2 cents turned into 12 cents, but I hope it was useful anyway.

[Cherie]

[quote name='CatherineM' date='23 March 2010 - 11:03 AM' timestamp='1269356590' post='2078355']

The moral of this story, as I look out my patio window at a new dusting of snow, is when the Holy Spirit answers a prayer, you can't then say, "but couldn't you have found someone who lived a bit closer to the Equator."
[/quote]

Love it, Catherine Amen ... great point!

[tinytherese]

[quote name='Socrates' date='23 March 2010 - 02:06 PM' timestamp='1269367605' post='2078441']
Minors aren't allowed on sites like Ave Maria and Catholic Match. You have to be at least 18 to join. Sure, it's probably easy enough to lie about your age, but as a parent, you should monitor this stuff while your kids are still under-aged.

I think fear that your (future) kids will do something dumb is a weird reason to avoid this avenue of meeting people. There's always a chance they will run into unsavory characters in "real life" too. My worst dating experience, in terms of dishonesty and such, was with someone I met at work.

I don't think it's a big problem if you take all the recommended precautions - meet in a public place, etc.
[/quote]

I'm a worrier by nature. I just know that sometimes teens don't always use the best judgment and that if it isn't clear to them that mommy and daddy were cautious and safe when they met online and had the intent of actually meeting a potential spouse that they'll probably get it.

I know that a long time ago in my early teens my best friend insisted on us going onto chat rooms where let's just say that we should have been more prudent on there. Fortunately, no horror stories resulted. We were very lucky.

Edited March 23, 2010 by tinytherese

[Tridenteen]

JMJ
There was a woman who was a mum at the Little Flowers group who's sister got married to a guy from Ave Maria Dating Site. She is now happily married in Switzerland.

[MissScripture]

I haven't been here in forever, but I was poking around (avoiding school work, of course) and I felt the need to respond to this thread.

I am one half of one of those successful couples who found love on PM and got married. My husband and I had absolutely no intention of meeting someone on the internet, it just happened. And it kind of ties in with CatherineM's comment about asking the Holy Spirit for something and then saying, "Well, couldn't you have done this some other way instead?" When I met my husband, I was praying to meet my husband...I just was not expecting it to be someone who lived six states away...especially not since I was head over heels for someone who was near by. But after many a sleepless night and several bizzare dreams it was clear that I was supposed to pursue this guy I met on the internet. As such, I wouldn't so much say I support internet dating, as much as I would say I support following the Holy Spirit. Internet or any long distance dating isn't for everyone. And if anyone decides to do it, they should realize that many people will not understand. I can't count the number of times my "best" friend whined that I was spending too much time on the phone or on the computer. It actually reveals a lot about the people around you --how they react to your decisions. To put it mildly, we are no longer friends.

Long distance/internet dating is definitely not something I would suggest unless you are seriously dating to find a spouse, because you will be making a huge time commitment, and a lot of money will be spent on plane tickets. That was one thing my husband and I had in common --we were both looking for someone to marry, and that is honestly why I think it worked. You have to be able to be very trusting of them.

If you're going to date someone you meet on the internet, you also have to be willing to put up with a lot of people feeling as though they have the right to comment on your life. When people find out you met on the internet, you will get a vast array of responses. Even after my husband moved nearby, people would make comments about how it's crazy to think you could have a lasting relationship with someone you met on-line. And they will cite every story they've ever heard that ended badly. This isn't to say that some DON'T! It's important to be careful, but that should be abided by in ANY new relationship. I mean, the only thing you know for sure about someone you meet in person over someone you meet on the internet is what they look like. You can lie in person, too.

I was very lucky and only had to wait about two months from the time my husband and I started "dating" until we got to meet. When I told my parents, my dad (wisely) made the two visit rule. My husband had to visit twice at our house, with my parents present, before I could visit him alone. In the end, it actually turned out that he visited me three times (twice at my home, once at college) and on the third visit, 6 months after we started dating, he proposed. Actually, the very first time we met, my dad took me to the airport to pick him up.

In summary, if you feel you should/could find someone online, and you feel you can handle a long distance relationship, go for it. And no matter where you meet people, be careful!

And now back to the regularly scheduled homework!

ETA: Also, I find a place like PM more comfortable for me (though I've never been on a dating website, since this functioned as such, lol) than other internet "locations" because you can see the person interacting with other people, so there has to be some consistency in what they're saying. Also, if you can "see" them on multiple places on-line, that's not a bad thing (i.e. Facebook, PM, myspace, etc.) because there too, you would be able to see if there are inconsistencies that could show you that all is not as it seems.

Edited March 24, 2010 by MissScripture

[Cherie]

[quote name='MissScripture' date='23 March 2010 - 10:28 PM' timestamp='1269397692' post='2078753']
I haven't been here in forever, but I was poking around (avoiding school work, of course) and I felt the need to respond to this thread.

I am one half of one of those successful couples who found love on PM and got married. My husband and I had absolutely no intention of meeting someone on the internet, it just happened. And it kind of ties in with CatherineM's comment about asking the Holy Spirit for something and then saying, "Well, couldn't you have done this some other way instead?" When I met my husband, I was praying to meet my husband...I just was not expecting it to be someone who lived six states away...especially not since I was head over heels for someone who was near by. But after many a sleepless night and several bizzare dreams it was clear that I was supposed to pursue this guy I met on the internet. As such, I wouldn't so much say I support internet dating, as much as I would say I support following the Holy Spirit. Internet or any long distance dating isn't for everyone. And if anyone decides to do it, they should realize that many people will not understand. I can't count the number of times my "best" friend whined that I was spending too much time on the phone or on the computer. It actually reveals a lot about the people around you --how they react to your decisions. To put it mildly, we are no longer friends.

Long distance/internet dating is definitely not something I would suggest unless you are seriously dating to find a spouse, because you will be making a huge time commitment, and a lot of money will be spent on plane tickets. That was one thing my husband and I had in common --we were both looking for someone to marry, and that is honestly why I think it worked. You have to be able to be very trusting of them.

If you're going to date someone you meet on the internet, you also have to be willing to put up with a lot of people feeling as though they have the right to comment on your life. When people find out you met on the internet, you will get a vast array of responses. Even after my husband moved nearby, people would make comments about how it's crazy to think you could have a lasting relationship with someone you met on-line. And they will cite every story they've ever heard that ended badly. This isn't to say that some DON'T! It's important to be careful, but that should be abided by in ANY new relationship. I mean, the only thing you know for sure about someone you meet in person over someone you meet on the internet is what they look like. You can lie in person, too.

I was very lucky and only had to wait about two months from the time my husband and I started "dating" until we got to meet. When I told my parents, my dad (wisely) made the two visit rule. My husband had to visit twice at our house, with my parents present, before I could visit him alone. In the end, it actually turned out that he visited me three times (twice at my home, once at college) and on the third visit, 6 months after we started dating, he proposed. Actually, the very first time we met, my dad took me to the airport to pick him up.

In summary, if you feel you should/could find someone online, and you feel you can handle a long distance relationship, go for it. And no matter where you meet people, be careful!

And now back to the regularly scheduled homework!

ETA: Also, I find a place like PM more comfortable for me (though I've never been on a dating website, since this functioned as such, lol) than other internet "locations" because you can see the person interacting with other people, so there has to be some consistency in what they're saying. Also, if you can "see" them on multiple places on-line, that's not a bad thing (i.e. Facebook, PM, myspace, etc.) because there too, you would be able to see if there are inconsistencies that could show you that all is not as it seems.
[/quote]

I very much enjoyed your post - great wisdom & insights! God bless you!

[Socrates]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' date='23 March 2010 - 04:27 PM' timestamp='1269376020' post='2078504']
I tried "regular" online dating and I found it didn't work for me, because one thing that I, at least, can't tell about a person from talking to them online is whether there is "physical chemistry." I'm not advocating that anyone compromise their beliefs and practices on "purity." It's just that, in marriage, it's really nice (to put it mildly) to feel a strong physical chemistry toward your spouse. For some people, "physical chemistry" can grow over time. Certainly in countries/traditions with arranged marriages, you'd hope that that would happen. But speaking only for myself, I found that I was not one of those people for whom physical chemistry could "grow"--either there was physical chemistry from the start or there wasn't--it never "grew," although I tried very hard.

I felt "shallow" when I would meet someone who was a very good man, but, even after multiple dates, I just couldn't love him "that way." People are different (obviously) in the extent to which physical chemistry is important and whether, for them, it can grow over time or not. For me, physical chemistry is very important (but obviously FAR from the most important consideration in a marriage partner). And, although I wished sometimes that I was one of those people for whom "physical chemistry" can grow, I learned the hard way in my marriage that trying to pretend you are something you are not because you WANT to feel differently or think you SHOULD feel differently, can be fatal to a marriage. Okay, back to dating.....

I tried "regular" online dating multiple times (and followed all the precautions others have mentioned). I had a number of dates but none of them lasted past the first date.

Then I found a different kind of "online dating." I know this doesn't necessarily apply in the original poster's circumstances, but I found that what worked for me was being part of an Internet community composed of people who lived in the same general geographic area. The Internet group would "talk" all week over the Internet, and then there was an open invitation to come to a designated meeting place every Friday night. Because of the Internet "talking," we got to know each other much better and faster than we would in traditional dating, but we also got to meet the other people in person, and see what they were like "live," not to mention find out if there was any possibility of physical attraction. I found that some people are EXACTLY the same person when you meet them as they are online, and others are not. The ones who were not (mostly) weren't trying to mislead people, it's just that their writing wasn't as good a source for information on what they were like as it was for other people.

For me, this was the best of both worlds, and I dated several of the guys I met online through this group. None of them grew into a permanent relationship, but, for me, it was a good way to "get my feet wet" in the dating world after having been married a long time (and having exclusively dated my ex-husband for 3-4 years before our wedding).

If someone (like the original poster) doesn't live in an urban area, or lives in an area where there are few Catholics, using a combination of Skype and "talking" online could possibly come pretty close to this kind of arrangement. It's still better to meet someone in person, but you can tell a lot from a Skype-type conversation.

Bottom line: IMHO, Internet dating CAN be useful and helpful (obviously, since I have known of several successful marriages that resulted from meeting online, in addition to those mentioned in this thread), but it has its drawbacks, too. And, I want to stress that the "precautions" mentioned by other posters are necessary, not "just a good idea." I never had a "bad" or "scary" experience in online dating, but that was because I was VERY careful.

As usual, my 2 cents turned into 12 cents, but I hope it was useful anyway.
[/quote]
Cool. This backs up my point that "dating" sites should be used to facilitate real "face-to-face" dates, not to substitute for them. If there is mutual interest online, a face-to-face should be arranged fairly soon, rather than spending months in an "online relationship" before meeting, only to find there's no actual chemistry.

[quote name='tinytherese' date='23 March 2010 - 05:07 PM' timestamp='1269378422' post='2078523']
I'm a worrier by nature. I just know that sometimes teens don't always use the best judgment and that if it isn't clear to them that mommy and daddy were cautious and safe when they met online and had the intent of actually meeting a potential spouse that they'll probably get it.

I know that a long time ago in my early teens my best friend insisted on us going onto chat rooms where let's just say that we should have been more prudent on there. Fortunately, no horror stories resulted. We were very lucky.
[/quote]
If you find the man you want to have children with, I don't think you'll particularly worry about how you first met. Of course, you should teach your children safety and caution in meeting people online and elsewhere. Minors shouldn't be using online dating sites (which violates the terms of use of any respectable site).

Edited March 24, 2010 by Socrates

[elizabeth09]

Well, I am not going to agree or disagree with online dating. I think that online dating both ways.