Are You Scared Of Religious Life?

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Indwelling Trinity' date='28 February 2010 - 07:28 PM' timestamp='1267399690' post='2064490']
Yeah but when you are not there for sext... you have NONE! Razberry!
[/quote]

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one, Indwelling Trinity!!!



I'd totally give a +1 if I had one to give!

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='angelofmary' date='28 February 2010 - 07:46 PM' timestamp='1267400778' post='2064512']
being in the life already of course I had my doubts and worries, but after returning to the world my fears, and anything that I had doubted before or was scared of has gone. I am more in love now with Jesus and am looking forward to the day when I am able to make a long life commitment and become espoused to Him for HE is the only one who fills my life and heart each day.
[/quote]

God love you Angel of Mary!

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='28 February 2010 - 07:52 PM' timestamp='1267401162' post='2064518']
AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one, Indwelling Trinity!!!



I'd totally give a +1 if I had one to give!
[/quote]

Isn't it wonderful being a religious?

[Sister Marie]

[quote name='nunsense' date='27 February 2010 - 09:52 PM' timestamp='1267325571' post='2064068']
For me the fear is that I already know what is expected in religious life, and I know what will be hard for me. When I first did it, I was so focused on Jesus that my fears weren't stronger than my desire. But now that I have been out Carmel for six months, and because I had such a traumatic (for me) ending to the last experience, I am afraid to try again. My six months waiting time (assigned by my spiritual director) were up yesterday and I am now meeting with him again, but I have to say that I am not even convinced that I will try again after last time. My SD is writing to my last Prioress to get her input on my vocation in order to help me, and Reverend Mother wrote to me and said she would be happy to communicate with him about me, so things are moving along slowly, but I am still scared even of the idea of religious life again - anywhere.

I am very grateful to have such a holy priest guiding me right now, whatever happens though. And I am also grateful to have phatmass here for all the support I have had over the past three years. This is a beautiful phamily.
[/quote]

I am really being honest here - when I entered religious life I was not in the least bit afraid... but its not because I was courageous or trusting or holy... its because I had no idea what I was getting myself into (in a good way of course)! Since I have been in religious life a few sisters have returned to my community who left for a while to discern whether God was calling them or not. The courage and perseverance that they have shown me has been so inspirational - the same goes for you and all the women on this forum who have left and still try to figure out what God's will is for them.

In my community we always follow the custom of making three wishes/requests of God when we enter a Chapel or Church we have never been to before. I always ask for the same three things: charity, humility, and perseverance! I often think that if I left I would never be brave enough to come back - even if I thought God wanted me here! It takes a lot to make the commitment to be part of a religious family for the first time - but the second time is so much more difficult. God certainly gives grace in abundance to those who trust in Him.

I understand what you mean when you say that your fears weren't stronger than your desire. When I entered, eventually my fears caught up with me even though I didn't feel them at first. I remember all of the sudden one day as a postulant I was taking a walk around the Motherhouse grounds and I realized that I was really in the convent and it was a commitment, even as a postulant. I was terrified. I went to my directress, convinced that I made an enormous mistake in entering! She said very lovingly and compassionately to me, "Sister, you have only been here a short time, and you have discerned for three years and you have desired to come here. Do not doubt that desire. It is normal to be afraid but you have spent too much time to leave. Now be practical!" Well, she snapped me right out of it and here I am years later, happy and grateful.

Each person is so unique and each vocational journey is so precious. I am convinced that God does what is right for the salvation of each individual soul as far as religious life is concerned. I am too weak to go through leaving and coming back and God has been good to allow me in my struggles through formation to remain in religious life and sort things out. I really admire those religious who have left and still faithfully follow God whether that is as a lay man or woman, or by entering a different congregation, or by coming back. It takes a strength that is certainly from God.

What I am really trying to say is that God is with you in a special way that is a gift even though it requires suffering. I thank all of you for sharing your feelings and experiences here in such an honest and prudent way. God bless you abundantly in all things!

with prayers,
Sister Marie

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='Sister Marie' date='28 February 2010 - 09:02 PM' timestamp='1267405343' post='2064552']
I am really being honest here - when I entered religious life I was not in the least bit afraid... but its not because I was courageous or trusting or holy... its because I had no idea what I was getting myself into (in a good way of course)! Since I have been in religious life a few sisters have returned to my community who left for a while to discern whether God was calling them or not. The courage and perseverance that they have shown me has been so inspirational - the same goes for you and all the women on this forum who have left and still try to figure out what God's will is for them.

In my community we always follow the custom of making three wishes/requests of God when we enter a Chapel or Church we have never been to before. I always ask for the same three things: charity, humility, and perseverance! I often think that if I left I would never be brave enough to come back - even if I thought God wanted me here! It takes a lot to make the commitment to be part of a religious family for the first time - but the second time is so much more difficult. God certainly gives grace in abundance to those who trust in Him.

I understand what you mean when you say that your fears weren't stronger than your desire. When I entered, eventually my fears caught up with me even though I didn't feel them at first. I remember all of the sudden one day as a postulant I was taking a walk around the Motherhouse grounds and I realized that I was really in the convent and it was a commitment, even as a postulant. I was terrified. I went to my directress, convinced that I made an enormous mistake in entering! She said very lovingly and compassionately to me, "Sister, you have only been here a short time, and you have discerned for three years and you have desired to come here. Do not doubt that desire. It is normal to be afraid but you have spent too much time to leave. Now be practical!" Well, she snapped me right out of it and here I am years later, happy and grateful.

Each person is so unique and each vocational journey is so precious. I am convinced that God does what is right for the salvation of each individual soul as far as religious life is concerned. I am too weak to go through leaving and coming back and God has been good to allow me in my struggles through formation to remain in religious life and sort things out. I really admire those religious who have left and still faithfully follow God whether that is as a lay man or woman, or by entering a different congregation, or by coming back. It takes a strength that is certainly from God.

What I am really trying to say is that God is with you in a special way that is a gift even though it requires suffering. I thank all of you for sharing your feelings and experiences here in such an honest and prudent way. God bless you abundantly in all things!

with prayers,
Sister Marie
[/quote]

AMEN to what sister has said nunsense! God has given you a courageous soul....Laughing...Use it!

Hugs my sister,

Indwelling Trinity:kiss:

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='Sister Marie' date='28 February 2010 - 09:02 PM' timestamp='1267405343' post='2064552']
I am really being honest here - when I entered religious life I was not in the least bit afraid... but its not because I was courageous or trusting or holy... its because I had no idea what I was getting myself into (in a good way of course)! Since I have been in religious life a few sisters have returned to my community who left for a while to discern whether God was calling them or not. The courage and perseverance that they have shown me has been so inspirational - the same goes for you and all the women on this forum who have left and still try to figure out what God's will is for them.

...

Each person is so unique and each vocational journey is so precious. I am convinced that God does what is right for the salvation of each individual soul as far as religious life is concerned. I am too weak to go through leaving and coming back and God has been good to allow me in my struggles through formation to remain in religious life and sort things out. I really admire those religious who have left and still faithfully follow God whether that is as a lay man or woman, or by entering a different congregation, or by coming back. It takes a strength that is certainly from God.

What I am really trying to say is that God is with you in a special way that is a gift even though it requires suffering. I thank all of you for sharing your feelings and experiences here in such an honest and prudent way. God bless you abundantly in all things!

with prayers,
Sister Marie
[/quote]

Sister Marie ... thank you for such a merciful post. (I voted +1 already on another post so I can't vote this one up). Please keep all of us especially those who have left religious life in your prayers (and of course those actively discerning).

[HisChild]

[quote name='Staretz' date='28 February 2010 - 11:12 AM' timestamp='1267380772' post='2064286']
I had a fear of commitment as well. The last time I was so sure that I was following God's will, I made a horrendous mistake. In fact, the biggest of my entire life. I won't go into details. It had nothing to do wioth religious life. I did some searching and I ahd a good and very methodical spiritual director. Of course he was methodical. He was an engineer bvefore becoming a priest! Anyway, I was certain that it was God's will for me to be here, but my earlier experience when I was 18 worried me. It was years before I realised that I had fooled myself. So I was wondering if I had fooled yself again. But this time around I had lots of confirmations. Some of them quite funny.

Yes, I have lost some pleasures, but I have gained others. For example I have discovered a love and talent for baking!

Anyway, I have been here for almost two yearsw now, and have not looked back. It feels like I have been here much longer. When I left, I got up at quarter to 1 Eastern time, finixhed clearing up the apartment around 3. I was at the airport around 5 and was in chicago a couple hours later for breakfast. I arrived in Albuquerque in time for lunch. I made it to the monastery in time for Silent Prayer and Veswpers at 5pm. I was up and in church in time for Vigils at 4 the next morning!

anyway, it is almost time for Sext. [b]You know you are a monk when you have sext everyday.[/b]
[/quote]


Brother Bruno, you crack me up!

As for the baking, Brother was on retreat before his profession ceremony, so I was unable to taste his breads. So now when he mentions it on here and FB, I salivate and regret I was unable to taste the delights of his baking. (You should see his kitchen! I was almost envious of all that SPACE!)

[Ephrem Augustine]

I was once scared that I would never be acceptable because of my past life

[Saint Therese]

[quote name='Ephrem Augustine' date='01 March 2010 - 10:04 AM' timestamp='1267455877' post='2064731']
I was once scared that I would never be acceptable because of my past life
[/quote]

Same here.

[Lilllabettt]

I have been thinking about this thread for a little while.

I cannot say that there was any injustice done to me when I left religious life. I cannot even say "it wasn't my fault," because it was. Of course, I was physically sick; that was not my fault. But I was emotionally sick too, and I think that played a role in my leaving. No one said that to me, of course. But I think so. There appeared in me this emotional woundedness that I had never noticed before; from past hurts, abuse, etc. I was needy in religious life. I really was. I loved attention. Just self-absorbed, needy.

It has been a couple years now. I like to think that I have grown. I'm not shy anymore, for example. I don't "catastrophize" everything. I'm not so afraid ... I mean I feel confident about life, that I am just as good, just as worthy, just as capable as anybody. Which is a lot different than before ... and I feel strong. Physically, I am healed. Sometimes I think the physical catastrophe was sent to help me heal from the emotional wounds; I had to take care of myself and that proved to me that I could do it.

I've had informal visits, with two local communities ... you know, just spend the afternoon. Do these experiences fill my heart with joy, yes. But I know this is no true guide; I was overflowing with joy "the last time." Night after night I went to bed in my cell crying for joy. So this is no true guide for me.

Now, I do not know if I can try again. I read somewhere that in religious life there were two types of people: givers and receivers. Before, I was a receiver. The life was such a happy thing to me, I didn't consider it a real sacrifice. This time, I know it would be a real sacrifice, and I would have to be a giver. Do I have the wear-with-all to be a giver?

I know, looking back, that I did not see the severity of my weakness before. And so perhaps it is the same now. Religious life will dredge up whatever is still there. Am I sufficiently healed? Someone I was with in the convent left sometime after me. I tried to get in touch with her, and she wrote back saying she had no desire to be in touch, and that as far she was concerned, I did not have a vocation, since people like me ("manipulative" and "deceitful" were her words) don't belong in religious life, period. We were never friends, and she has troubles of her own that make her do/say inappropriate things sometimes. But her description of me is not entirely unjustified.

I am graduating from school next Fall, and so there is the question of what the next step in life is going to be. A job? Graduate school? I'm not ready to enter religious life. Maybe in a year? Or two? Three? Or maybe never, because I am too afraid. Or never, because I'm irreparably broken, just not brave enough to face the fact.

Even if that's true, I'm at peace with it. Because God loves misery in a person, you know? He loves to save the miserable. It's just another reason only God can save me

[Tridenteen]

JMJ
I am scared that I may not be able to handle what I assigned. Not meaning chores <grins> but for instance, I can pick up languages. Not fluently, but enough to endear myself to people for trying. I don't know if that would make me eligible to go overseas, and although I would love that, I don't know if I could do it. I would also miss my family a lot. I understand the sisters and mother superior become your family, but I would miss saying goodnight to my folks, being here for pizza night, and in general the craziness that comes with being from a big family [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.gif[/img] On a lighter note, when I was wee person, I read waaay to many, <cough> "violent", saint stories, and I was convinced that if I became a nun, I would either "cough up blood and die" or "get killed dead by no good neighbors" AKA the friendly neighborhood pagans down the street, who rumor has it barbeque deaocons a regular basis..don't worry, the elderly nuns in the local retired religious nursing home had ways of stopping that kind of thinking [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/getaclue.gif[/img] [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/lol.gif[/img]

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' date='05 March 2010 - 06:19 AM' timestamp='1267730383' post='2066564']
I have been thinking about this thread for a little while.

I cannot say that there was any injustice done to me when I left religious life. I cannot even say "it wasn't my fault," because it was. Of course, I was physically sick; that was not my fault. But I was emotionally sick too, and I think that played a role in my leaving. No one said that to me, of course. But I think so. There appeared in me this emotional woundedness that I had never noticed before; from past hurts, abuse, etc. I was needy in religious life. I really was. I loved attention. Just self-absorbed, needy.

It has been a couple years now. I like to think that I have grown. I'm not shy anymore, for example. I don't "catastrophize" everything. I'm not so afraid ... I mean I feel confident about life, that I am just as good, just as worthy, just as capable as anybody. Which is a lot different than before ... and I feel strong. Physically, I am healed. Sometimes I think the physical catastrophe was sent to help me heal from the emotional wounds; I had to take care of myself and that proved to me that I could do it.

I've had informal visits, with two local communities ... you know, just spend the afternoon. Do these experiences fill my heart with joy, yes. But I know this is no true guide; I was overflowing with joy "the last time." Night after night I went to bed in my cell crying for joy. So this is no true guide for me.

Now, I do not know if I can try again. I read somewhere that in religious life there were two types of people: givers and receivers. Before, I was a receiver. The life was such a happy thing to me, I didn't consider it a real sacrifice. This time, I know it would be a real sacrifice, and I would have to be a giver. Do I have the wear-with-all to be a giver?

I know, looking back, that I did not see the severity of my weakness before. And so perhaps it is the same now. Religious life will dredge up whatever is still there. Am I sufficiently healed? Someone I was with in the convent left sometime after me. I tried to get in touch with her, and she wrote back saying she had no desire to be in touch, and that as far she was concerned, I did not have a vocation, since people like me ("manipulative" and "deceitful" were her words) don't belong in religious life, period. We were never friends, and she has troubles of her own that make her do/say inappropriate things sometimes. But her description of me is not entirely unjustified.

I am graduating from school next Fall, and so there is the question of what the next step in life is going to be. A job? Graduate school? I'm not ready to enter religious life. Maybe in a year? Or two? Three? Or maybe never, because I am too afraid. Or never, because I'm irreparably broken, just not brave enough to face the fact.

Even if that's true, I'm at peace with it. Because God loves misery in a person, you know? He loves to save the miserable. It's just another reason only God can save me
[/quote]


Thank you. A very honest and open hearted post. By His stripes we are healed. We are all a little bit of the walking wounded, I think. He does heal us in different ways and as long as we are open to His work, then we can be saved by Him. The hand that hurts is also the hand that heals. Bless you for your sincerity.

[LightofMary]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' date='04 March 2010 - 02:19 PM' timestamp='1267730383' post='2066564']
I have been thinking about this thread for a little while.

I cannot say that there was any injustice done to me when I left religious life. I cannot even say "it wasn't my fault," because it was. Of course, I was physically sick; that was not my fault. But I was emotionally sick too, and I think that played a role in my leaving. No one said that to me, of course. But I think so. There appeared in me this emotional woundedness that I had never noticed before; from past hurts, abuse, etc. I was needy in religious life. I really was. I loved attention. Just self-absorbed, needy.

It has been a couple years now. I like to think that I have grown. I'm not shy anymore, for example. I don't "catastrophize" everything. I'm not so afraid ... I mean I feel confident about life, that I am just as good, just as worthy, just as capable as anybody. Which is a lot different than before ... and I feel strong. Physically, I am healed. Sometimes I think the physical catastrophe was sent to help me heal from the emotional wounds; I had to take care of myself and that proved to me that I could do it.

I've had informal visits, with two local communities ... you know, just spend the afternoon. Do these experiences fill my heart with joy, yes. But I know this is no true guide; I was overflowing with joy "the last time." Night after night I went to bed in my cell crying for joy. So this is no true guide for me.

Now, I do not know if I can try again. I read somewhere that in religious life there were two types of people: givers and receivers. Before, I was a receiver. The life was such a happy thing to me, I didn't consider it a real sacrifice. This time, I know it would be a real sacrifice, and I would have to be a giver. Do I have the wear-with-all to be a giver?

I know, looking back, that I did not see the severity of my weakness before. And so perhaps it is the same now. Religious life will dredge up whatever is still there. Am I sufficiently healed? Someone I was with in the convent left sometime after me. I tried to get in touch with her, and she wrote back saying she had no desire to be in touch, and that as far she was concerned, I did not have a vocation, since people like me ("manipulative" and "deceitful" were her words) don't belong in religious life, period. We were never friends, and she has troubles of her own that make her do/say inappropriate things sometimes. But her description of me is not entirely unjustified.

I am graduating from school next Fall, and so there is the question of what the next step in life is going to be. A job? Graduate school? I'm not ready to enter religious life. Maybe in a year? Or two? Three? Or maybe never, because I am too afraid. Or never, because I'm irreparably broken, just not brave enough to face the fact.

Even if that's true, I'm at peace with it. Because God loves misery in a person, you know? He loves to save the miserable. It's just another reason only God can save me
[/quote]

Hello Lillabett,

I am personally grateful for your very honest and humble post. It maybe true that religious life was the means used by God to heal you. God can write with crooked lines, as the saying goes. It is always a painful experience to leave religious life, especially under those circumstances. But "for those who love God, all things work for the good" (Romans 8;28). We are all broken. Even those who are in convents and monasteries, are wounded and broken people. We are and were not called because we are worthy. That is the mystery of it all. It is a pure gift. God in His infinite wisdom chose us, we did not choose Him. Not for our merits but for His plan. You have a place in this plan. It is good that you chose to profit by this experience through self-knowledge. But while we are beating our chest in misery, we should not take away our eyes from Jesus, who turns our misery into joy. In other words, true humility should not make us feel downtrodden, but joyful in the thought that we have been healed! Do not beat yourself too much. You have so much to give, you don't even know what God has in store for you yet. It will be exciting to find out!

if you can find a spiritual director it will be very useful for you. I agree that you may want to concentrate on what is before you: school, job, etc.
Thank you again. I will keep you in prayers!

Sr. Helena

[Saint Therese]

For me its scarier to think of NOT becoming a religious, NOT doing God's will for me.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' date='04 March 2010 - 03:19 PM' timestamp='1267730383' post='2066564']
I have been thinking about this thread for a little while.

I cannot say that there was any injustice done to me when I left religious life. I cannot even say "it wasn't my fault," because it was. Of course, I was physically sick; that was not my fault. But I was emotionally sick too, and I think that played a role in my leaving. No one said that to me, of course. But I think so. There appeared in me this emotional woundedness that I had never noticed before; from past hurts, abuse, etc. I was needy in religious life. I really was. I loved attention. Just self-absorbed, needy.

It has been a couple years now. I like to think that I have grown. I'm not shy anymore, for example. I don't "catastrophize" everything. I'm not so afraid ... I mean I feel confident about life, that I am just as good, just as worthy, just as capable as anybody. Which is a lot different than before ... and I feel strong. Physically, I am healed. Sometimes I think the physical catastrophe was sent to help me heal from the emotional wounds; I had to take care of myself and that proved to me that I could do it.

I've had informal visits, with two local communities ... you know, just spend the afternoon. Do these experiences fill my heart with joy, yes. But I know this is no true guide; I was overflowing with joy "the last time." Night after night I went to bed in my cell crying for joy. So this is no true guide for me.

Now, I do not know if I can try again. I read somewhere that in religious life there were two types of people: givers and receivers. Before, I was a receiver. The life was such a happy thing to me, I didn't consider it a real sacrifice. This time, I know it would be a real sacrifice, and I would have to be a giver. Do I have the wear-with-all to be a giver?

I know, looking back, that I did not see the severity of my weakness before. And so perhaps it is the same now. Religious life will dredge up whatever is still there. Am I sufficiently healed? Someone I was with in the convent left sometime after me. I tried to get in touch with her, and she wrote back saying she had no desire to be in touch, and that as far she was concerned, I did not have a vocation, since people like me ("manipulative" and "deceitful" were her words) don't belong in religious life, period. We were never friends, and she has troubles of her own that make her do/say inappropriate things sometimes. But her description of me is not entirely unjustified.

I am graduating from school next Fall, and so there is the question of what the next step in life is going to be. A job? Graduate school? I'm not ready to enter religious life. Maybe in a year? Or two? Three? Or maybe never, because I am too afraid. Or never, because I'm irreparably broken, just not brave enough to face the fact.

Even if that's true, I'm at peace with it. Because God loves misery in a person, you know? He loves to save the miserable. It's just another reason only God can save me
[/quote]

I've read your post multiple times and wanted to respond; however, I just didn't know what to say.

I suppose in all simplicity after mulling over my own thoughts, I say a sincere "thank you" -- for your honesty, your reflection, and just being so real and open. It is a blessing.

You have my prayers.