Trust As A Challenge

[brightsadness]

Hi. I'm having to deal with lots of trust and insecurity stuff these days. My hope is that by sharing our experience we can help each other. I need this to be a safe place to share about this. There is a great deal of experience on this forum and to be honest..some of what has been shared has scared me. But mostly my fears come from the not knowing and fear of failing.

So this is where I am. I was offerred a promotion and raise at work if I would sign a multi-year contract; after much prayer and a meeting with my Spiritual Father, I declined and so at the end of June, when my contract ends, I'll be unemployed. I believe I know where I am called and, God willing, before June the next step in the journey will be in process. But I don't [u]know[/u]. So now I must trust God 's knowing and loving will, the community I feel called to, and my own fidelity to the process. And I could be wrong. This is scarey stuff. This is my lent.

I am grateful for any response from your experience. (Please Tradmom. Don't be shy.[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif[/img] )

I mean it. I feel so not yet. Maybe I'm having a "desert experience"[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/dry.gif[/img] ?


your sister,
Anya

[OnlySunshine]

I certainly understand where you are at right now. I've been there. I'm at a different stage in my life, however, where I have NO idea where I am called. I'm struggling to make sense of it all, and I'm starting to think for the past few months that I am not really called to religious life. I don't feel the desire anymore. I think it's very beautiful, but I'm not sure it's for me. A lot of vocation directors I've talked to say that they don't see it in me (quite frankly), which made me sad, but I'm actually optimistic that there is something better on the horizon--marriage, single life, or consecrated virginity. I'm embracing my work life right now since I haven't worked in quite a long time, and I am open in the future to discernment.

[Indwelling Trinity]

My dearest bright Sadness.....I don't remember who said it but there is a saying " How terrible it is to fall into the hands of a living God." What they forgot to say is how wonderful the experience is!

When I was you young Missionary of Charity, we were taught that the spirit of the order was one of loving trust, total surrender and cheerfulness.

I am not putting in a plug for my former order but sharing with you some of the things learned over the years often with great interior suffering because of my inability to trust and let go.

But Mother Teresa had it right... if we can bring ourselves to take the first tiny step of trusting, we can let go a little bit. And when we allow ourselves to let go we experieince the wonderful exhilaration of falling into the hands of a God that is always there to catch us at any moment... even when we seem to be in a free fall. That sequence helps us to experience faith at a deeper level knowing God is always there for us if we choose Him; our hope is then strengthened and the result is Love and thanksgiving for such a wonderful God who is there to catch us at each moment of our lives even when we seem to be alone.

It sounds like you have taken that first step towards trusting him responsibly with proper counsel. Oh sister this is your chance to let go in free fall out of love for him. He can never be outdone in generosity or love. He will be there to catch you in His loving arms even if you cannot see him waiting for you and your yes.

Can you see that you in your own way are answering that same yes that our Blessed Mother did?....Will you be the mother of the saviour= will you trust God even if you cannot understand the whole of it? And she said YES! Do you think she was any less frightened?... but God caught her up in His arms making her the Mother of the saviour and all mankind with one simple Yes....

Yes to trust and follow God wherever that may lead is the singular grace of vocation. I have called you.... you have left your fishing nets to come follow me.... You have trusted me and said yes... now you are one of my chosen. Trust/ sacrifice of security responsibly chosen is that gift of YES to Him. Take little steps each day surrendering a tiny bit more than the day before and you will see your love bloom a thousand times over.

It does not mean that you will never suffer in this life but only that you have chosen to love. In a world where our Lord has so few friends, where so many turn their backs on Him in favor of the security of this life which is fleeting wouldn't it be wonderful to be one of those friends of his consoling him with you simple trust in saying Yes to him?

I speak of what i know or try to keep silence...and rarely do i open my heart so vulnerably to others. But i have had to lose almost everything in this life, including life itself before i could say that Yes... in holy trust and abandonment. I have never regretted it for a single moment even though many opportunities have passed me by because i had made a choice.... and that choice was and is for Jesus in whatever way he asks.

Is it still scary at times? Heck yes!!! Each time the Yes is a little bigger but so is the grace given to commeasurate with it.

As you and some others may know... I am in the foundation of a new community with 5 other vocations wishing to live the message of and plead for Divine Mercy on all in the unity of the Trinitarian life of Christ dwelling within us and in the Carmelite tradition of Our Mother of Carmel who first said Yes. I now have 5 women wanting to come and one dollar given graciously by a phatmass friend to help bring this into existence if it be God's will. Let me tell you about being scared...LOL. One dollar and Emmanuel is next to nothing... One dollar and God is a fortune if this be His will.

Last night when praying before the image of Divine Mercy I happened to look at the words on the bottom which I rarely do....."Jesus I trust in you!" Do I really? Today, that dollar came and I sent it to my prioress to open an account for the Carmelites Sisters of Bethlehem and Divine Mercy. Then I let it go in joy filled peace. I must continue to do what i can as if it depended on me but know that whatever the outcome....It is GOD's work and NOT MINE and it is he that will bring it to fruition if it is his will. He will provide not only the means but also generous vocations willing to give their all for the salvation of all souls brought to His Mercy. I started as a religious at age 18 and am now 53 and still each day I must continue to learn to trust.

You my sister have trusted today and said yes to God.... now trust him to take care of you and be at peace. Trust Him and let him take you where he will... This is the way of courageous little souls who walk step by step with their hands held in His. This is the way to holiness.... say little YES's to what ever he asks and now, hold his hand.....

Tenderly, with much prayer and love,

Indwelling Trinity

[vee]

I have a hard time trusting God as well even though He reminds me of times I did trust Him and great things happened yet I can still be reluctant. Its like all those times in the past were building up to now when I have to really trust and change my life (job and home) to see if I am called to religious life. One of my favorite quotes from Mother Angelica is "faith is one foot on the ground, one foot in the air, and a queasy feeling in the stomach" and boy do I feel queasy too! Sorry I guess that doesnt help much but I pray for all of us queasy discerners who have to step out of the boat. St Joseph and St Peter help us!

[TeresaBenedicta]

I'm not sure I can offer any support, but I can say that I'm right there with you, in a sense.

I'm closing in on the last few months of my senior year of college. I'll graduate in May and I've not once looked at a graduate school application or even begun thinking about the job hunt... I know where I want to apply (in regards to religious life, that is) and am about to begin the process... but it's scary, knowing that I don't have a back-up plan whatsoever. If anything falls through from what I think God is asking of me... well, He's going to have a lot of cleaning up to do!

But, the beautiful thing is that when we act (with the guidance of a spiritual director) on what we believe God is asking of us, we know that whatever it is He has planned will work out perfectly... even if it isn't exactly what we expected and even if it disappoints us. Our Lord is pleased when we abandon everything to His will, and so even if things turn out differently from what we hope or expect, we can rejoice, because we have brought Him joy by our abandonment and trust.

[vee]

Wow Indwelling Trinity ... posts that make me choke up ....+1

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='vee8' date='23 February 2010 - 11:01 PM' timestamp='1266980470' post='2062255']
Wow Indwelling Trinity ... posts that make me choke up ....+1
[/quote]

Ditto that!!

[brightsadness]

[quote name='Indwelling Trinity' date='23 February 2010 - 07:42 PM' timestamp='1266979370' post='2062243']
Yes to trust and follow God wherever that may lead is the singular grace of vocation. I have called you.... you have left your fishing nets to come follow me.... You have trusted me and said yes... now you are one of my chosen. Trust/ sacrifice of security responsibly chosen is that gift of YES to Him. Take little steps each day surrendering a tiny bit more than the day before and you will see your love bloom a thousand times over.


You my sister have trusted today and said yes to God.... now trust him to take care of you and be at peace. Trust Him and let him take you where he will... This is the way of courageous little souls who walk step by step with their hands held in His. This is the way to holiness.... say little YES's to what ever he asks and now, hold his hand.....

Tenderly, with much prayer and love,

Indwelling Trinity
[/quote]


Thank you.

[brightsadness]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='23 February 2010 - 07:57 PM' timestamp='1266980273' post='2062253']
I'm not sure I can offer any support, but I can say that I'm right there with you, in a sense.

I'm closing in on the last few months of my senior year of college. I'll graduate in May and I've not once looked at a graduate school application or even begun thinking about the job hunt... I know where I want to apply (in regards to religious life, that is) and am about to begin the process... but it's scary, knowing that I don't have a back-up plan whatsoever. If anything falls through from what I think God is asking of me... well, He's going to have a lot of cleaning up to do!

But, the beautiful thing is that when we act (with the guidance of a spiritual director) on what we believe God is asking of us, we know that whatever it is He has planned will work out perfectly... even if it isn't exactly what we expected and even if it disappoints us. Our Lord is pleased when we abandon everything to His will, and so even if things turn out differently from what we hope or expect, we can rejoice, because we have brought Him joy by our abandonment and trust.
[/quote]


But this does support me. Thank you. Thank you all.

[laetitia crucis]

I think, at least for myself, that total trust is something that's going to be a lifelong journey for me. My own insecurities regarding religious stem a lot from my first experience living religious life. I don't mean to be a black cloud coming forth , but after that experience (no matter how many graces were received, nor how much I learned and grew) I initially ended up very frightened, and worried about my future as a religious Sister. Doubt crept in as the cracks formed and crumbled in a broken heart. I felt as though I couldn't even trust myself to trust God, if that makes sense. I didn't have any back-up plans when I entered those few years ago. I entered "for life" and that was it. Now I was unexpectedly faced with the totally unplanned.

All I could do was pray for the grace to trust again. (And occasionally, I'd tell myself, "It's an act of the will! Trust! JUST [b]DO [/b]IT!!!" ) I would make "Jesus, I trust in You" a little mantra, if you will. I said that little prayer almost constantly in adoration and throughout the day. I [i]wanted [/i]to trust again so badly. And little by little, the trust came.

I also can't help but say, "Blessed be God!" for placing the right people in my life at the right time, including a great spiritual director, a wonderful superior, and some very intuitive priests and religious Sisters that I met along the way. These people most certainly helped me to super-glue all those cracks back together again.

Now, I do believe that I am a much stronger person for having experienced what I did. I've learned a lot and in all honestly, I wouldn't change anything that happened, no matter how painful it was. I would like to think that perhaps I'm just a tiny bit wiser, and perhaps a whole lot stronger and more secure in my vocation.

The first time around, I literally gave away everything I had. When I left that order... well, that was...something. But as always, God never fails to show Himself as an unbelievably loving Father caring for His scared little daughter. His goodness blatantly astounded me several times. It was crazy. Only God could be [i]that [/i]crazy. Needless to say, I found myself embraced in His Love when I least expected it.

And this second time around...I still don't have any back-up plans. Instead, I'm putting all my trust in Him again and going to try sticking to Padre Pio's advice, "Pray, hope, and DON'T worry!" I know He'll take care of me, what ever happens. I have hopes that my (God willing) future community will be "for life", but in all honestly I don't know.

I'll know the moment I become His spouse for all eternity.

I shall be praying for you, brightsadness. For your trust and perseverance in God's grace, for your vocation, and for your peace.

God bless you!

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='24 February 2010 - 12:09 AM' timestamp='1266984555' post='2062285']
I think, at least for myself, that total trust is something that's going to be a lifelong journey for me. My own insecurities regarding religious stem a lot from my first experience living religious life. I don't mean to be a black cloud coming forth , but after that experience (no matter how many graces were received, nor how much I learned and grew) I initially ended up very frightened, and worried about my future as a religious Sister. Doubt crept in as the cracks formed and crumbled in a broken heart. I felt as though I couldn't even trust myself to trust God, if that makes sense. I didn't have any back-up plans when I entered those few years ago. I entered "for life" and that was it. Now I was unexpectedly faced with the totally unplanned.

All I could do was pray for the grace to trust again. (And occasionally, I'd tell myself, "It's an act of the will! Trust! JUST [b]DO [/b]IT!!!" ) I would make "Jesus, I trust in You" a little mantra, if you will. I said that little prayer almost constantly in adoration and throughout the day. I [i]wanted [/i]to trust again so badly. And little by little, the trust came.

I also can't help but say, "Blessed be God!" for placing the right people in my life at the right time, including a great spiritual director, a wonderful superior, and some very intuitive priests and religious Sisters that I met along the way. These people most certainly helped me to super-glue all those cracks back together again.

Now, I do believe that I am a much stronger person for having experienced what I did. I've learned a lot and in all honestly, I wouldn't change anything that happened, no matter how painful it was. I would like to think that perhaps I'm just a tiny bit wiser, and perhaps a whole lot stronger and more secure in my vocation.

The first time around, I literally gave away everything I had. When I left that order... well, that was...something. But as always, God never fails to show Himself as an unbelievably loving Father caring for His scared little daughter. His goodness blatantly astounded me several times. It was crazy. Only God could be [i]that [/i]crazy. Needless to say, I found myself embraced in His Love when I least expected it.

And this second time around...I still don't have any back-up plans. Instead, I'm putting all my trust in Him again and going to try sticking to Padre Pio's advice, "Pray, hope, and DON'T worry!" I know He'll take care of me, what ever happens. I have hopes that my (God willing) future community will be "for life", but in all honestly I don't know.

I'll know the moment I become His spouse for all eternity.

I shall be praying for you, brightsadness. For your trust and perseverance in God's grace, for your vocation, and for your peace.

God bless you!
[/quote]

Dittoes everything you have said here dear sister. There are many times where humans in their judgment or lack thereof may fail us but God is ever faithful, loving and wise and in the economy of God not one moment of our life is wasted despite what brokeness we may have experienced. If anything, understood correctly, we not only grow but also become a light to the feet of others walking the same path. May God be ever Praised!

tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity

Edited February 24, 2010 by Indwelling Trinity

[HisChild]

BrightSadness, my friend,

Is it of any surprise to you that when your vocational journey has finally gotten to the point where you can make a decision you would have doubt?

You found a community that spoke to your heart, and so you wrote to find out more. The more you learned, the more you felt it was a fit for your spirit. Your mother superior wrote to you, genuinely caring for your vocation, but more than that, she has demonstrated a deep love for YOU, regardless of your decision.

To balance your enthusiasm with prudence, Fr. T. had you contact another community 'to make sure'. You wrote, you spoke on the phone and would have even visited had circumstances permitted. But Father knew it was enough... and he gave you his support of your decision for this first community, seeing in you a vocation there.

A good spiritual father doesn't dictate, but guides you to see that which is in you, and that which is the Lord's will for your life, something he's done admirably, based on what you've shared.

So now you're at a crossroads, and perhaps choosing to go down a path which might make your vocation so REAL. Of course the world, and all it entails, will attempt to lure you to it. Hence, your promotion. Is the promotion 'bad' in and of itself? No! It's merely raising its (mostly vain) head and saying, 'What about me?' Is it the devil? Perhaps but... Probably not. It could very well be our Lord placing this wonderful opportunity in front of you so that you will have the ability and free will of choosing between two very good options. And now you have some praying to do. I've been learning that in the Eastern tradition, we are discouraged from closing our eyes and envisioning our Lord and the spiritual world or entertaining spiritual visions (and no, I don't mean visions in the spiritual fancy sense), because while those endeavors might be innocent they're a highway upon which the devil may trod. All of this I'm sure you know... but in THIS instance, it might be good for you to somewhat 'see' yourself in a few years and what that looks like to you. See what feels like 'home' with your soul, with your heart.

Will you ever know for sure? No. That's what makes your 'yes' so special to our Lord. You know that, even though you only see the path immediately in front of you, He will care for you in whatever you choose. Then, once you decide, keep your eyes fixed on our Lord, plug your nose and jump into the deep end with both feet. You'll be rewarded one hundredfold.

I keep you in my prayers this Great Lent.

Your sister in Christ,

HisChild

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='HisChild' date='24 February 2010 - 01:21 AM' timestamp='1266988910' post='2062303']
BrightSadness, my friend,

Is it of any surprise to you that when your vocational journey has finally gotten to the point where you can make a decision you would have doubt?

You found a community that spoke to your heart, and so you wrote to find out more. The more you learned, the more you felt it was a fit for your spirit. Your mother superior wrote to you, genuinely caring for your vocation, but more than that, she has demonstrated a deep love for YOU, regardless of your decision.

To balance your enthusiasm with prudence, Fr. T. had you contact another community 'to make sure'. You wrote, you spoke on the phone and would have even visited had circumstances permitted. But Father knew it was enough... and he gave you his support of your decision for this first community, seeing in you a vocation there.

A good spiritual father doesn't dictate, but guides you to see that which is in you, and that which is the Lord's will for your life, something he's done admirably, based on what you've shared.

So now you're at a crossroads, and perhaps choosing to go down a path which might make your vocation so REAL. Of course the world, and all it entails, will attempt to lure you to it. Hence, your promotion. Is the promotion 'bad' in and of itself? No! It's merely raising its (mostly vain) head and saying, 'What about me?' Is it the devil? Perhaps but... Probably not. [b]It could very well be our Lord placing this wonderful opportunity in front of you so that you will have the ability and free will of choosing between two very good options.[/b] And now you have some praying to do. I've been learning that in the Eastern tradition, we are discouraged from closing our eyes and envisioning our Lord and the spiritual world or entertaining spiritual visions (and no, I don't mean visions in the spiritual fancy sense), because while those endeavors might be innocent they're a highway upon which the devil may trod. All of this I'm sure you know... but in THIS instance, it might be good for you to somewhat 'see' yourself in a few years and what that looks like to you. See what feels like 'home' with your soul, with your heart.

Will you ever know for sure? No. That's what makes your 'yes' so special to our Lord. You know that, even though you only see the path immediately in front of you, He will care for you in whatever you choose. Then, once you decide, keep your eyes fixed on our Lord, plug your nose and jump into the deep end with both feet. You'll be rewarded one hundredfold.

I keep you in my prayers this Great Lent.

Your sister in Christ,

HisChild
[/quote]

Great post.

I was just studying for my moral philosophy exam and I was delving into the differences between "voluntary" and "free" when it comes to a human act... Thomas notes that most of the time these two go hand in hand... but strictly speaking, for a choice to be truly free, there must be more than one option. That is to say, if we were presented directly with our ultimate good, with no other options for choosing, we could accept but that decision would be a voluntary one, not a free one.

How beautiful Our Lord is... He desires so much to make our decisions truly free. And so we are presented with two very good options. We are free to choose between two goods. A Martha/Mary sort of deal. We are enabled to freely choose the better part.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='24 February 2010 - 10:46 AM' timestamp='1267022813' post='2062380']
Great post.

I was just studying for my moral philosophy exam and I was delving into the differences between "voluntary" and "free" when it comes to a human act... Thomas notes that most of the time these two go hand in hand... but strictly speaking, for a choice to be truly free, there must be more than one option. That is to say, if we were presented directly with our ultimate good, with no other options for choosing, we could accept but that decision would be a voluntary one, not a free one.

How beautiful Our Lord is... He desires so much to make our decisions truly free. And so we are presented with two very good options. We are free to choose between two goods. A Martha/Mary sort of deal. We are enabled to freely choose the better part.
[/quote]

The part you just mentioned really stood out to me, too, TB. The beauty of true freedom: being able to choose between two [b]goods[/b]. And the importance that there be more than one option to make a truly free choice. :yew:

I think I remember at one of the Thomistic conferences I attended, the whole theme of those three days was "On Freedom". (It was pretty awesome, though most of it probably went waaaaay over my head! ) Anyhoo, I thought that was something pretty profound to ponder -- that true freedom is choosing between two goods, not what we normally consider: choosing between "right" and "wrong".

Edit: I know this might sound somewhat silly to say, but a few months ago I found myself in quite a predicament of having "true freedom" in discerning between two wonderful Orders. To say the least, I was somewhat -- "devastated" might be too strong a word, so...I'll go with "troubled" -- troubled by this choice that needed to be made. The doors were wide open on both sides. In fact, I had already had an acceptance to one of them. Yet, for some reason that was somewhat unbeknownst to me I couldn't quite give my "yes".

I remember imploring a good friend of mine, "Whyyy??? Why can't God just make this choice FOR me? I don't want this freedom! I want to do His Will EXACTLY! Why won't He just tell me blatantly? I'd just do that out of obedience and not have to worry if I'm right or wrong... I just know God [i]can't[/i] be wrong, and that's good enough for me. Hah!"

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... "God is asking me to choose between two GOODS. This is [b]true[/b] freedom. I don't know if I [i]want[/i] that gift. Objectively speaking, one is not better than the other. Both are paths to salvation as a semi-contemplative religious Sister. Wow. Please, God... a little help here?" Honestly, at that point in time, I just wanted to choose between a clear "right" and a "wrong". That would have been SO much easier. But God is good and sometimes I wonder if He places too much faith in me... and my own faith and reason.

Discernment is difficult journey. Surely, we get some bonus points in heaven for effort...

Edited February 24, 2010 by laetitia crucis

[HisChild]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='24 February 2010 - 07:46 AM' timestamp='1267022813' post='2062380']
Great post.

I was just studying for my moral philosophy exam and I was delving into the differences between "voluntary" and "free" when it comes to a human act... Thomas notes that most of the time these two go hand in hand... but strictly speaking, for a choice to be truly free, there must be more than one option. That is to say, if we were presented directly with our ultimate good, with no other options for choosing, we could accept but that decision would be a voluntary one, not a free one.

How beautiful Our Lord is... He desires so much to make our decisions truly free. And so we are presented with two very good options. We are free to choose between two goods. A Martha/Mary sort of deal. We are enabled to freely choose the better part.
[/quote]


[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='24 February 2010 - 08:12 AM' timestamp='1267024325' post='2062388']
The part you just mentioned really stood out to me, too, TB. The beauty of true freedom: being able to choose between two [b]goods[/b]. And the importance that there be more than one option to make a truly free choice. :yew:

I think I remember at one of the Thomistic conferences I attended, the whole theme of those three days was "On Freedom". (It was pretty awesome, though most of it probably went waaaaay over my head! ) Anyhoo, I thought that was something pretty profound to ponder -- that true freedom is choosing between two goods, not what we normally consider: choosing between "right" and "wrong".
[/quote]


When I was first beginning in my discernment, I used to fret that our Lord wouldn't love me as much if I made the 'wrong' choice. I think I had brochures from over 2 dozen communities! One vocation directress once said to me, "If you chase after too many rabbits, you'll catch none.' Wise words. But it wasn't until later that I learned to be a little more gentle with myself. i knew my motives were to serve our Lord, and I just needed to focus on that.

Then I realized that I should stop searching for devils in the choices and realize that our Lord only wants our heart on Him. While He may have a will for us, a will that we may not be able to ultimately discern for whatever reason (I mean, after all, unless He comes and tells us bodily, how will we EVER know 1000% for sure what His will is? There will have to be a trust that we've prayed, seen the options, and done as best as we could in making the 'right' choice for us) as long as we are making our choices FOR Him, He will bless our response.

I think it was in Christian Totality where I read that vocational discernment isn't always a mystical decision making with a 'right' and a 'wrong'. Otherwise our decision making would be fraught with the thought of somehow being punished if we made the wrong choice... or not being blessed in our vocation, at the very least. That's what I took from that book. It made ALL the difference in realizing that discernment is simply choosing where we wish to spend our time on earth serving our Lord, after wisely looking at our options and praying for guidance, hopefully with the assistance of a Spiritual Father/director.

Granted, there are those who really wouldn't be best suited for the religious life... and what happens if we enter the religious life, only to either be sent home or choose to leave? Perhaps we're called to experience the life to be an advocate for vocations in our parish later? Or for our own children? Or to bring us into a greater awareness of the spiritual life so that we'll take it with us on our journey through life? Or maybe it really isn't to that community but to another, because after all, we may visit, even have a 'live in', but cannot know for sure what it's like to live the life until we're there on a more permanent basis.

Anyway... that's what I've garnered from my religious life experience. Heh. Easier said than done, to be sure.