I Feel Stupid, Psychotic, Frustrated And That I Don't Measure Up

[tinytherese]

As I've mentioned before, I have a severe case of depression. My prescription keeps changing little by little for my mind and body's sake and I feel as if it will take a long time for the rite dosage of anti-depressants will finally be given to me. Sure the medicine I have now is better than nothing, but I need more. I don't know how long I have to wait for this medical condition to be cured and it affects my life so much.

It is hard for me to figure out what my future holds when I'm in this state. I have felt drawn to the thought of me becoming a catechist, but I often feel like I don't have what it takes. I have made so many academic achievements over the years and am used to succeeding in school. I attended a secular college for two years. When I applied there I was undecided about what I would do with my life, but during my time there I felt called to become a catechist. I grew so much there and even volunteered to assist with ccd and RCIA at the Catholic parish in town.

Horrible family drama happened and then I got the severe depression because of the trauma and abuse I suffered. In the mean time, it was my first semester at a brand new school--one actually on the Newman Guide. I had so much stress and the depression had an affect on my course work, particularly in regards to me having difficulty concentrating. It sure took time for my medication to have a significant affect on me and for a time it would make me sleepy when I needed to be doing my studies. I found the academic work so hard and for one class there was a lot of busy work. I didn't do as well as I had hoped and got the lowest GPA of my life last semester--2.7. I was used to getting 3.6 or higher. I had made it on the dean's list and Phi Theta Kappa my first semester of college and two semesters later got a 4.0 and was on the president's list. I had also gotten high GPAs at my competitive Catholic high school and had made the honor roll each year. I've been told that finishing last semester under the circumstances that I was in with that GPA was actually impressive. Others may not have been able to do what I did. It still gets to me though. I've been feeling inadequate in studying theology even just on the undergraduate level. How can I be a catechist then if I don't measure up? My confidence has been significantly lowered. I wonder if I can handle teaching theology in a Catholic high school what with the questions that some kids pose. I'm also bad at philosophy, so that could explain why I'm having difficulty, since theology and philosophy are so interconnected, especially on the scholastic level. I just feel stupid, even on phatmass. It isn't that anyone has been harassing me on here. I just feel inadequate. I also realize that I actually haven't finished college yet where I am to learn about theology beyond what I have learned so far...but still. I don't want to get a degree from a joke school, but I feel intimidated.