Do You Think Too Much?

[Azriel]

Wow, such an explosion of words on my thread. I'm astounded actually. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

I started a thread a few days ago asking for prayers, but maybe a little more history should be added, just so everyone is aware, and can make more informed posts.

I had my first bout with depression when I was 22. Well, at the the time I didn't know what it was. Turned out to be anxiety. I wouldn't know this until years later. I was just married, finishing college and my Grandmother, my first real experience with death, passed away. Actually she passed 2 weeks after I got married. Everyone was convinced she waited so she could be there.

It eventually lifted. Somehow. I didn't seek help. I prayed to God. Previously my faith had been ... mediocre at best. I prayed, and prayed.

Several years later, another episode. Related to my Mother's health. My first round of therapy and meds. Right around 28.

Again, at 30. - Finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Then 33. - Brief Postpartum

Then 36.

Now, almost 38.

Now, I have researched my diagnosis. I have fought through each episode before. Each episode is characterized by a ramp up of intense anxiety. Stresses related to work, health, parents, etc. I, then, call it falling off the cliff. I guess its because I still haven't ingrained all the coping techniques my multiple therapists have taught me. Once pushed over the edge, all I can think about is dying. Now, for a Catholic ... wow, you'd think death would be the least of my worries. Cause, I have sacraments, etc. Yeah right. I spin in circles. I doubt God, then cling stubbornly to belief, then fight against it, then think I'm stupid for not believing, then I'm angry cause I can't feel close to God. Then I don't believe. Then I wonder what the heck this life is all about, then I wonder if I will ever get better, then I wonder what will happen to Danielle. Then I wonder what I will do when my parents pass away. And my Dad is currently waiting to have a bone marrow biopsy. Then I think about dying again, and what the hell is anything worth when I can't see or feel the light anymore. Why should I care about work, when I'm going to die anyway. Why should I care about anything? The only thing that keeps me going is my family and baby girl sitting next to me as I type this out. I doubt my ability to handle anything with or without God.

This is the cycle of fear I have been living with for at least the last 10 days. Starting on my baby's 6th birthday. Its dark, it hurts, its painful. I've never had real physical pain, except for having a blood clot in '07 which really could have killed me, and even then I didn't have death anxiety. But now I do. I don't know whether to believe in God. I want to with all my heart. And then my brain says, what if it all just a cosmic coincidence.

You see, now, a glimpse into my rather crowded mind. It is a struggle to wake up and keep moving. It is a struggle to make myself eat. It is a struggle to watch my baby and see the look of worry on her face. Something that I PROMISED myself that she would never have to do, since I grew up with a Mother who had such intense struggles with her health.

Pham, I am tired. I am not suicidal. I am too AFRAID! This is the first time in a long time I can't find hope. I found hope in my 6 1/2 year old God son's death. I found hope in my Dad having a brain anuerysm several years ago. I found hope sitting with my dying grandmother.

I can't feel the hope.

And yet, I'm typing this. Hoping, that somehow its going to make a difference. I keep asking people to pray. I keep praying, even if I don't know why.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Azriel' date='11 January 2010 - 06:15 PM' timestamp='1263248107' post='2035037']
Guys, I love you. and Sometimes i have these moments that seem like clarity, and then they are gone, and I'm left feeling empty.

I know I should have faith. Everyone keeps telling me that. But its like grasping at something I can't catch. Fear of everything creeps right back in. I'm so afraid to die that I can't live. And, its so very tiring.
[/quote]
Faith isn't a feeling, its a fact, so even if it feels elusive, its still there. Don't worry about it, don't try to feel it or catch it or notice it. Think of it like walking: you don't actually tell each muscle to move to get from here to there, you just happens. Fear, like using your muscles can be managed.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Azriel' date='12 January 2010 - 04:12 PM' timestamp='1263337943' post='2035628']
And yet, I'm typing this. Hoping, that somehow its going to make a difference. I keep asking people to pray. I keep praying, even if I don't know why.
[/quote]
+JMJ+
you have been in my daily rosary intentions. have you been anointed by your priest lately?

[humbleheart]

[quote name='ZeweAeternus' date='12 January 2010 - 07:18 PM' timestamp='1263320322' post='2035444']
I assume your fears stem from thinking too much [i]about your religion[/i], don't they?

That said, suggesting that adding even more religion to your thoughts - rote prayers in particular - seems like self-sabotage at its best.

Have you considered taking a break from Catholicism and seeing how you fare without it?
[/quote]

In my long experience with mental health, I have noticed that when people succumb to mental health problems, the problems usually attach themselves to the things that matter most in their lives. These treasured aspects of life are not the [i]source[/i] of the difficulties, but the places where those difficulties start to become most obvious.

A good example would be a colleague of mine who suffers from OCD. One of his worst recurring fears was that his father would develop Alzheimer's and die. There was no logical reason to think this, but he became convinced that it was true. It got to the point where even being in the same room as his dad made him anxious, as he was compulsively checking for the symptoms of dementia. The answer to his problem was not to cut off contact with his dad. His OCD had other causes, but it showed up most clearly in this area because he has always been very close to his parents.

[The Bus Station]

I feel too much and don't think enough, if you can dig that.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Azriel' date='13 January 2010 - 10:12 AM' timestamp='1263337943' post='2035628']
Wow, such an explosion of words on my thread. I'm astounded actually. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

I started a thread a few days ago asking for prayers, but maybe a little more history should be added, just so everyone is aware, and can make more informed posts.

I had my first bout with depression when I was 22. Well, at the the time I didn't know what it was. Turned out to be anxiety. I wouldn't know this until years later. I was just married, finishing college and my Grandmother, my first real experience with death, passed away. Actually she passed 2 weeks after I got married. Everyone was convinced she waited so she could be there.

It eventually lifted. Somehow. I didn't seek help. I prayed to God. Previously my faith had been ... mediocre at best. I prayed, and prayed.

Several years later, another episode. Related to my Mother's health. My first round of therapy and meds. Right around 28.

Again, at 30. - Finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Then 33. - Brief Postpartum

Then 36.

Now, almost 38.

Now, I have researched my diagnosis. I have fought through each episode before. Each episode is characterized by a ramp up of intense anxiety. Stresses related to work, health, parents, etc. I, then, call it falling off the cliff. I guess its because I still haven't ingrained all the coping techniques my multiple therapists have taught me. Once pushed over the edge, all I can think about is dying. Now, for a Catholic ... wow, you'd think death would be the least of my worries. Cause, I have sacraments, etc. Yeah right. I spin in circles. I doubt God, then cling stubbornly to belief, then fight against it, then think I'm stupid for not believing, then I'm angry cause I can't feel close to God. Then I don't believe. Then I wonder what the heck this life is all about, then I wonder if I will ever get better, then I wonder what will happen to Danielle. Then I wonder what I will do when my parents pass away. And my Dad is currently waiting to have a bone marrow biopsy. Then I think about dying again, and what the hell is anything worth when I can't see or feel the light anymore. Why should I care about work, when I'm going to die anyway. Why should I care about anything? The only thing that keeps me going is my family and baby girl sitting next to me as I type this out. I doubt my ability to handle anything with or without God.

This is the cycle of fear I have been living with for at least the last 10 days. Starting on my baby's 6th birthday. Its dark, it hurts, its painful. I've never had real physical pain, except for having a blood clot in '07 which really could have killed me, and even then I didn't have death anxiety. But now I do. I don't know whether to believe in God. I want to with all my heart. And then my brain says, what if it all just a cosmic coincidence.

You see, now, a glimpse into my rather crowded mind. It is a struggle to wake up and keep moving. It is a struggle to make myself eat. It is a struggle to watch my baby and see the look of worry on her face. Something that I PROMISED myself that she would never have to do, since I grew up with a Mother who had such intense struggles with her health.

Pham, I am tired. I am not suicidal. I am too AFRAID! This is the first time in a long time I can't find hope. I found hope in my 6 1/2 year old God son's death. I found hope in my Dad having a brain anuerysm several years ago. I found hope sitting with my dying grandmother.

I can't feel the hope.

And yet, I'm typing this. Hoping, that somehow its going to make a difference. I keep asking people to pray. I keep praying, even if I don't know why.
[/quote]

SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!


It seems like more than one phatmasser is going through a spiritual crisis right now - phatmass must be very upsetting to the Adversary!

I posted on another thread about "acedia" which can also play a part in depression
http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=101870&pid=2035636&st=0&#entry2035636

The reason I mention it here again is that the book I have been reading about this [i]Acedia and Me[/i] by Kathleen Norris, is written by a widow who also suffered from depression and anxiety. She looks at acedia in the light of theology, psychology, monastic spirituality and healing, as well as her own personal experience, and it might just be of some help to you.

You say you can't feel the hope. Hope is an act of the will (just as faith is) and it is also a gift from the Holy Spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to pray for you and in you, and as you ask for the gift of hope, use your will to say to yourself the Act of Hope... a brief version of this is "My God, I hope in you for grace and for glory, because of your promises, your mercy and your power." There are longer ones if you want to use these instead. I like something that I can memorise and repeat when I feel under attack by evil spirits. When I pray it, I am thinking of God's grace and God's glory and asking for Him to strengthen Hope in me. The Mercy Prayer is also a powerful weapon for increasing Hope since it relies on Trust! Saying a short Act of Faith, Hope and Charity every day is a good idea if you can do this. It strengthens the will.

Every time you have a crisis of faith (or a loss of hope or a failure in charity) and survive it, you get just a little bit stronger. It is like lifting weights at a gym. At first, you don't think you can do it, and you put them down, saying, these are too heavy for me. So you try a lighter set of weights and lift them until you feel strong enough to move up to a heavier weight. As cmotherofpearl said, faith isn't about what you are feeling, it goes a lot deeper than that, it is an act of the will, and when you feel you have very little faith, but keep trying, that is when you have the most! Through His Church Jesus has given us so many tools to use in the spiritual battle and the trick is to make use of these tools, [b]especially if you don't feel like it[/b]!

Your spiritual weapons:

Prayer, in the beginning, middle and end of any battle, prayer is the weapon of choice

And I cannot stress enough the power and the grace of the sacraments, especially in Confession and Mass. Sometimes when I am most resistant to going to Confession, is when I need it most, so I just pray to God to make it possible for me, and He always does, and I always know that it has helped to heal my soul. I attend Daily Mass just because I know I need to reload my weapons every day! and the spiritual strength that is gained through Holy Communion is inestimable.

Our Lady will help you if you ask, pray the Rosary every day, every day, every day. Even if you have to lie on your bed and say it as you rest, do that! The Adversary hates her because she helps us so much. Trust in her intercession.

And as I mentioned on that other thread, do more, not less, during these times of trials - otherwise you are fighting a war without any weapons! I am not saying these things to make you more anxious, but to let you know that you have everything you need already to fight this battle, and to win. Jesus said that He has already conquered the world, and He did this for us, so relax by trusting more in His love for you personally. We just can't imagine the love that God has for each and every one of us personally. But we can taste a little of it through prayer.

Yes, of course, we are all praying for you here. My prayers are with you now.

[mariahLVzJP2]

Azriel, Im sorry you are going through this. you will be in my prayers. Jesus is with you, you are not alone. He will take care of you. I will ask him to give you hope and faith