Immoral Form Of Birth Control...

[Guest Husband in a Dilemna]

I'm in a tough situation.

I'm a faithful Catholic and husband. My wife is Catholic, but has a hard time accepting the Church's stance on birth control. She does not want to do NFP. We already have multiple children and finiancially we would be unable to handle any more right now. She doesn't insist on using the pill or condemns though. She is content with just having me "pull out". So, in the act of love making, she'd prefer that we end it with the penis outside of the vagina. In my mind, this isn't quite as bad as using an "artificial" method, but I recognize that it is still a sin--therefore, I can not receive the Eucharist on Sunday or at daily mass. It kills me inside when I put myself in that state.

So, I guess my question is this: In my situation, with my wife unwilling to use NFP, is "pulling out" a mortal sin? If so, is abstaining from sex with my wife a more healthy alternative? Is it better to put myself in a state of sin for the sake of a healthy relationship with my wife, or should I be firm and abstain from sex in my marriage. Do I have an obligation to honor the sacrament of marriage by cooperating with my wife's wishes until she can embrace the Church's teaching?

I really need some good advice here. I don't know what to do.

[BLAZEr]

I recommend that you send a private message to Fr. Pontifex or Cappie if you can.

It is a mortal sin for you to intentionally frustrtate the marital act. It would in fact be better if you abstained rather than "pulled out." I recommend you pray a novena for your wife to St. Joseph.

I also recommend the book "The Good News about Sex" by Christopher West. Also, post a thread in the NFP forum and hear what insight other married couples might offer you.

[Adeodatus]

Many people think the Church’s teaching on contraception runs along the lines of: artificial---bad; natural---good. The Church’s teaching on procreation is not about being eco-friendly. The artificial contraception is not bad because it is ‘artificial’, and natural family planning is not OK because it’s ‘natural’ [i]per se[/i]. Rather, the Church wants married people to have ‘good sex’, i.e. sexual intercourse in which the married couple freely and unreservedly give themselves to each other and accept each other freely and completely. Contraception spoils this because it literally ‘gets in the way’. It is like this free giving of spouses is suddenly curtailed and mutated. From ‘I love you and give myself to you, and accept you completely’ it becomes ‘I love you but…. er, no… not completely’. What gets rejected is each other’s God-given fertility, and with that you end up rejecting each other somewhat in the very act which is supposed to bond you together even more and bless you.

The method you described is called ‘coitus interruptus’ which is just Latin for ‘interrupted sex’. It is mentioned in the Bible in Genesis 38.9-10, where Onan spills his ‘seed’ rather than beget children who would be considered his brother’s progeny. Although it seems less ‘artificial’ than artificial contraception, it is still the same distortion to good, proper married sex. It is still taking an act of mutual self-giving and turning it into a lie (‘I give myself to you, BUT I’m not going to’).

As a doctor, I can assure you that this method you practice is not a guarantee at all against conceiving. And worse than that, it is like a poison in the heart of your marriage, because for you it has become a source of shame, and for your wife a source of anxiety should she conceive again. This is such bad, bad news for your marriage in the long-term----and I think you realise this, which is why you wrote in.

What many people don’t realise is that the Catholic Church does support birth control (let me explain this carefully!!!!!!). In his prophetic encyclical [i]Humanae Vitae[/i] (Of human life), Pope Paul VI taught that “there may be serious reasons for spacing offspring… The Church teaches that in such cases it is morally permissible for spouses to… reserve marital intercourse for infertile times. The spouses are able to plan their families without violating the moral teachings set forth above.’ In this carefully qualified sense, the Church actually supports “birth control” and “family planning”---and the method left open to us is NFP.

NFP is highly effective, and perhaps the only way for your wife to be reassured is to meet other women who are using it. Talk you your parish priest about what’s going on, and ask to be put in touch with the local NFP instructors or support groups. And encourage your wife to come with you and meet them. There’s nothing to be lost and everything to gain.

My prayers are with the both of you.