Best Time To Talk To Parents?

[OCDSdad]

I realize every situation is different and individual, and, there is no single answer. If you have a relationship at all with your folks, the way to tell them is to attend Mass often, confession, adoration, Rosary, Divine office and mostly smile a lot. They will see this in you every day so they will know there is something holy happening. They will see your direction and what makes you happy, combined with no serious relationship (courtship), they will not be surprised at your desire to pursue consecrated life. They may not agree or even be a little disappointed but they will easily accept your decision seeing your happiness.

If your relationship with them is rather cold, then perhaps just inform them of your plans after you have decided. I may be a little unique in my opinion but that’s how I see it.

Mr. Ray
OCDS

[TeresaBenedicta]

Well, I've talked with both of my parents now. The conversation with my mom went about as well as it could've gone, in that I think she's supportive (she didn't exactly say so, but she also didn't express that she would NOT support me). The biggest thing with my mom is, understandably, that she just doesn't understand why anyone would desire to do such a thing as leave behind family, material possessions, etc.

And as beautifully as I can talk about the religious life and other beautiful things about the faith to other people, I always freeze when I try to talk with my mom. My mind goes absolutely blank and I can say absolutely nothing. Then I get defensive because I can't answer any of her questions. I'm not sure why this happens... my mom and I are very close and I'm able to talk to her about everything else, besides the most important. She's not Catholic, or even Christian, so in many ways this makes very little sense to her.

I don't know how best to explain to her the beauty of what I feel called to be. I'd like to at least offer her an explanation, [i]something[/i] that she can think about.

I'm thinking about a letter or something similar, since we've already had the conversation in person. Maybe I'd be able to explain myself better that way. I don't know.

What does the phamily think?

[Luigi]

I think the letter's a good idea. Take your time, compose (yourself, then your thoughts, then the letter - you're about to graduate college, so you must be fairly articulate), edit, let it cool for a couple of days, re-read it, revise if necessary, and then give it to her.

One caveat - talk about yourself, religious life, and your attraction to it, but I'd suggest you don't try to anticipate her reaction and address it in the letter. Say what you think and feel, and let her tell/write you her own reaction. The letter might wind up being the starting point for that articulate conversation you'd like - but can't seem to - have with her.

PS: When I read your original post, I planned a smart-mouth reply such as "Just get 'em good & drunk first," but the posts about your conversation with your dad and then your mom changed my mind.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Luigi

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='Luigi' date='12 January 2010 - 12:15 AM' timestamp='1263269752' post='2035197']
PS: When I read your original post, I planned a smart-mouth reply such as "Just get 'em good & drunk first," but the posts about your conversation with your dad and then your mom changed my mind.
[/quote]

Heh. My first thought was to get myself good and drunk to talk them. But I figured that might sort of give the wrong impression.

I just went reread my original post and realized that I had said "barring direct intervention by God my parents aren't going to be supportive." Well, God is good. I'm still amazed at my dad's reaction, and as I said with my mom, it went as well with her as it possibly could've.

Thanks for the advice. I'm really considering the letter. I just don't know if it would be something that's best to actually send or to read out loud on the phone (I head back to school in a few days, so it's definitely not going to happen before that). Probably to send. I don't know.

[Luigi]

Don't read - SEND. Your voice will come through in the letter anyway (perhaps more calmly and more in control than if you read it aloud to her), and your mom knows your voice well enough to interpret your writing accurately (given reasonable guidance from punctuation). Then too, if you send it, you'll give her time to reflect on what you've written before she has to respond; if you read it to her, it's almost like you're forcing her to react then and there. I don't know your mom, but if I were in her shoes, I'd like some time to think, weigh things, re-read, maybe let first reactions burn themselves out or whatever, and then respond. And when she's ready, she can either write her response, or call.

It sounds to me lke you want to give her some room - not force your decision down her throat. And the written letter seems like a better way to give her some room.

Bests of luck - or maybe just another (minor) miracle.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='12 January 2010 - 01:52 PM' timestamp='1263264767' post='2035146']
Well, I've talked with both of my parents now. The conversation with my mom went about as well as it could've gone, in that I think she's supportive (she didn't exactly say so, but she also didn't express that she would NOT support me). The biggest thing with my mom is, understandably, that she just doesn't understand why anyone would desire to do such a thing as leave behind family, material possessions, etc.

And as beautifully as I can talk about the religious life and other beautiful things about the faith to other people, I always freeze when I try to talk with my mom. My mind goes absolutely blank and I can say absolutely nothing. Then I get defensive because I can't answer any of her questions. I'm not sure why this happens... my mom and I are very close and I'm able to talk to her about everything else, besides the most important. She's not Catholic, or even Christian, so in many ways this makes very little sense to her.

I don't know how best to explain to her the beauty of what I feel called to be. I'd like to at least offer her an explanation, [i]something[/i] that she can think about.

I'm thinking about a letter or something similar, since we've already had the conversation in person. Maybe I'd be able to explain myself better that way. I don't know.

What does the phamily think?
[/quote]

I am very uncomfortable on the phone, and just marginally better in person, but I feel very good when writing, so try to decide what makes you feel most comfortable and do that. The thing about mothers, especially non-Christian mothers (speaking from experience), is that they really just want their children to be happy, and they can't possibly conceive how anyone could be happy living a life of self-denial. Try to convey to her just how happy you truly are, and how fulfilled this would make you feel. This will win her over more than any dissertations on the goodness of God and the calling you feel to be His Bride etc (although I would totally love all that stuff).

My Mom couldn't even understand when I wanted to become a Catholic, but Moms are Moms - they love us and want us to be happy. Work with that. And remember that she is terrified that you might be hurt or sad or anything else that she can't protect you against. Be kind to her.... she is your Mom! And Moms don't live forever. I miss mine something fierce.

[brightsadness]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='11 January 2010 - 07:52 PM' timestamp='1263264767' post='2035146']
Well, I've talked with both of my parents now. The conversation with my mom went about as well as it could've gone, in that I think she's supportive (she didn't exactly say so, but she also didn't express that she would NOT support me). The biggest thing with my mom is, understandably, that she just doesn't understand why anyone would desire to do such a thing as leave behind family, material possessions, etc.

And as beautifully as I can talk about the religious life and other beautiful things about the faith to other people, I always freeze when I try to talk with my mom. My mind goes absolutely blank and I can say absolutely nothing. Then I get defensive because I can't answer any of her questions. I'm not sure why this happens... my mom and I are very close and I'm able to talk to her about everything else, besides the most important. She's not Catholic, or even Christian, so in many ways this makes very little sense to her.

I don't know how best to explain to her the beauty of what I feel called to be. I'd like to at least offer her an explanation, [i]something[/i] that she can think about.

I'm thinking about a letter or something similar, since we've already had the conversation in person. Maybe I'd be able to explain myself better that way. I don't know.

What does the phamily think?
[/quote]

Maybe when she sees it working out for you, she can be happy without understanding it. My folks are being suppportive but I can tell that they are disappointed that I won't be building a career or a family. I trust that they want my happiness and so pray that it will in time give them understanding. That's what I pray for anyways.


Anya

Edited January 12, 2010 by brightsadness

[vee]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='11 January 2010 - 11:28 PM' timestamp='1263270503' post='2035203']
Heh. My first thought was to get myself good and drunk to talk them. But I figured that might sort of give the wrong impression.

[/quote]

Now theres a poll. How many people had to have a drink (or two or three) in order to tell their parents! Congratulations on telling your Mom though, and my vote would be to mail the letter dont read it over the phone. I dont know if you are called to the apostolic or contemplative life but Verbi Sponsa, meant for contemplatives, might have some nice phrases in it you could use either way.
[url="http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/ccscrlife/documents/rc_con_ccscrlife_doc_13051999_verbi-sponsa_en.html"]http://www.vatican.v...-sponsa_en.html[/url]

[cmotherofpirl]

As a mum I can tell you, we just want our babygurls to be happy. We are not quite sure what that entails, be thats what we want. So when you are accepted, invite your dad and mum to the convent and introduce them to everyone and everything. You want them to feel that while in one way they are losing you, but in another way they are gaining an entire family in return. Give them a connection to your new life. After all they have been connected to you since you were conceived, and they can't imagine a life without that connection no matter how tenous it may be.
If you are happy, even though we don't understand your choices, we will in turn feel relief, pride and eventually joy.

[elizabeth09]

It is hard to tell your parents, even your family that are not Catholic