Sharing Information About Communities

[tinytherese]

So I know someone who is considering looking into this one religious community and may be trying to get them to participate in our school's "Nun Run" event. I discerned with this community years ago and I seriously would highly recommend them if not for this one experience that I had with the prioress. I'm not going to reveal the name of the community on here though. This thread isn't about bad mouthing any particular community, but about a concern that I had.

I was asked about my family life and I described my very trying relationship with my dad and honestly didn't try to sound bitter about him, but was very honest about it, even saying that I wasn't trying to sound like I was being judgmental of him. He has given me a lot of pain over the years and though I didn't say it, but one could tell from my description of him that he was being verbally and emotionally abusive to me. (At the time though I didn't realize that he truly was being abusive, just that he did a lot of things that upset me. He even physically tortured me at times during my childhood.) Now during the time that I had been discerning with this community, the prioress had been very kind to me and I was impressed by her wisdom. She really helped me in my faith journey and also helping me to learn how to really discern my vocation, whatever it may be. Unfortunately, at this moment she said something really horrible to me in response to my relationship with my dad. She said that to a certain extent, I had deserved such treatment because very rarely in abusive situations is one party causing all of the harm while the other party is innocent. So she was saying that some of what I had endured was my fault. I was one of the problems and he was too, but to a lesser extent. Since she had been so very helpful and wise to me, I thought that she was right. I got to thinking, "Well I suppose its true. I haven't been the perfect daughter. I could love him better than I have been doing. Perhaps I am part of the problem."

Thankfully, I no longer believe what she said to me. No one deserves that kind of treatment. He ended up being sexually abusive to me and our family is having a very difficult time dealing with this. My mom separated from him and my brother and I live with her for safety's sake. I now have a therapist and a spiritual director who tell me that what I have gone through is definitely not my fault.

Really, this community has a lot of very positive aspects to it and they really are orthodox, but what the prioress said was just plain wrong. The girl I know and other ladies going with her on the nun run or anyone else that I speak to could get horrible advice like I did if they have faced similar problems in their lives. By no means would I go around proclaiming that this is a terrible community, but should I share my bad experience with someone who mentions that they are considering the community or if they know someone who is? This could be very dangerous for someone. (That same prioress is still the prioress of that community by the way.)

[cmaD2006]

My humble opinion is to pray for prudence and for guidance as far as what to do in this circumstance. I don't think I would flat out say to go ahead and share what happened ... however I also wouldn't say don't share it.

In light of this -- you can only pray for God to guide.

[humbleheart]

I can see your dilemma, tinytherese, and after thinking about this I think that the best thing you could do is [i]not[/i] to tell your friend. What the prioress said to you does not indicate anything bad about the community. It does indicate a level of prejudice and misunderstanding about abuse that is unfortunately very pervasive in society as a whole. I have never been abused myself, but I have a close friend who has, and she has had similiar reactions from otherwise good and kind people whom she trusted and admired. Sadly the prioress isn't alone in her belief that abuse victims have to take a share of the blame.

In fairness to her, perhaps she would not have said what she said if she had known the extent of the abuse. What exactly did you say to her? If you told her that your dad had caused you a lot of pain, without giving specific examples, she might have just assumed that your personalities clashed and you struggled to get on. Either way, I agree that she should have been more sensitive - I tend to proceed very cautiously whenever I hear that somebody has a difficult relationship with a parent. Then again, this is because I have a friend who was abused in much the same way that you were. Perhaps the prioress has had no direct contact with it before. This doesn't excuse what she said to you, but it makes it easier to understand.

I think you should write her a kind letter thanking her for all the help she gave you and explaining (gently) the situation with your dad and the damage she did with those remarks. She needs to know not to make the same mistake again. From your description of her, she is a loving and generous woman who will be glad of the opportunity to learn. Talking to the prioress directly would be a better way of dealing with this than warning friends against the community.