How Can I Fall In Love With God Again?

[Th0t]

I thank you all with all of my heart for your advice. I have been dealing with this issue for a couple of months now. I am going to be honest and discrete about this. I am a poor prayer. It costs me a little to pray -__- I have been though at the beginning of this month pushing myself to make a good habit of prayerful life. The Lord has been showing me what it is that I could do with my life. As a priest or as a husband. Either way I know He wants me to be happy. But what kills me is not knowing what He wants me to do. I have been discerning my vocation to the priesthood about a good 2 years now. My anxiety gets worse each day that passes. I am involved in an activity that involves visiting the Lord. I am part of a ministry that visits the sick and the elderly on Sundays. It has helped me a lot. But that is one of the things that I have fallen under routine that I spoke about in my first post. Though its becoming more different. I am beginning to share the word of God with them and it makes my heart glad that they know my name in such a short amount of time that I've been there (less than a year). And God has shown me how much He loves me through that ministry. But ugh stubborn like a donkey I am that I choose to walk away from the Lord and turn my back on Him and and re-crucify Him and offend Him with my girlfriend. Though that is coming to a stop it kills me inside for how many times I've done it. To the point that I just scream out of anger for what I have done. And I've thought, if this is what I'm going through for what I have done. Because I prayed that He helped me to restore my relationship with Him to the way it used to be, just me and Him.

At 21 years old and four years walking with the Lord, I feel like I have learned too much and maybe its caught up to me, maybe I'm burned out. I don't know. I'm just holding on to my parent's prayers and my fellow brothers and sisters who are also praying for me. Also, I have felt somewhat of a change with me, I feel like the Lord is helping me to be more like a leader. Because I don't feel embarrassed or shy to do the things I used to be embarrassed or shy about. For example: Walk up to a friend in church whose younger than me and ask them how they have been, how's their spiritual life going etc. Or talk to my parents straight out about my life even if it concerns me and my girlfriend. Or being able to have conversations with people in my prayer group. Asking people their names who I've always seen but never walked up to them and introduced myself. Etc.... I could go on.....

And that's exactly how I feel. I feel the Lord is calling me to something deeper. But I know that as long as I am the way that I am with my girlfriend I won't be able to change anything. I spend more time with her than with my family and I sometimes sleep over at her house because I help her take care of a baby and I just fall asleep in the night putting him to sleep. :/ I am going to be spending more time with Him at the tabernacle and trying to pray and pray the Rosary. I meet with my spiritual director once a month. I haven't spoken to him this month though. But I will.

Thank you all again. More advice would be great.

...God Bless...

[Varg]

[quote name='Th0t' date='22 November 2009 - 06:38 AM' timestamp='1258889939' post='2007238']
I don't know if this is a test I'm going through, but I feel I'm going through the desert right now. I do not feel God anywhere, I KNOW He's always there but it's not like before where I could feel He was there with me. I pray but it's like my mind tells me it's not working. I try to read His word but it doesn't get to my heart. I hear talks and they motivate me but then it's like pfft and my inspiration leaves. I feel like I've fallen under a routine because I go to church and to my activities I'm committed with the Lord, and I feel empty. :/ I feel like a mediocre hypocrite. What can I do?
[/quote]
I don't mean to be insensitive but...Don't force it.

[organwerke]

Dear Th0t...

you ask for advice and I hope to be able to do it.
I understand very well how you feel.
It is something very similar to me, or, better, I had experienced a situation really similar to yours.
I think you sometimes have some wrong ideas about God, and about vocation.
You are right if you think that you want to do His will, but God created us as FREE persons: not only He doesn't force us, but HE DOESN'T WANT TO FORCE US.
I talked with several priests and religious persons and all said to me that when God calls us, He gives us also the force and the joy to follow Him.
Of course there is always a bit of anxiety (as for every important choice) but this anxiety is soon transformed in peace, in satisfaction.
If you feel that it is hard to you to change the things, that you are very nervous and also sad at this idea, this is probably a proof that you haven't a vocation...not to the priesthood I mean, because that of being married is also a vocation and a very important one!
I think nowadays the most important thing to demonstarte to God our love isn't to choose a way of life rather than another, but to be able to PERSEVERE in the choice we have done.
If you feel you could be a good husband and a good father...well, I think it is very important thing!. You know how much the Church is suffering from the crisis of familiar vocations...a good family is really a blessing not only for those who get married but for the Church and for all the society.
If you think you have done some bad "actions" with your girlfriend you can ask God's forgiveness in confession and you can avoid bad situations for the future...but if you think that this relationship could end in a good marriage, I don't think you should stop it.
Of course if you feel instead that your heart could find complete satisfaction only in priesthood...if you really think that this is your vocation I think you haven't losen it with your sins so you haven't to condemn yourself more than God does, if you are really intentioned to avoid them for the future, so I advice you to trust immensely in Him and in His Love for you.

[Th0t]

Thanks organwerke...

I do actually feel a vocation to the priesthood. Though right now, at my stage, it feels far off. Marriage does also. I honestly have never seen myself married, though at a time before personally meeting God, I did. But it all changed. And now this vocation to the priesthood, which I don't see bad or a life I would suffer in, came in and it seems to not leave. lol It pokes at me like a woodpecker to a tree. I feel at peace when I am in front of the Blessed Sacrament with no worries and all I have to think about is my vocation to the priesthood and how I can become a better child for God everyday.

I honestly have condemned myself because of my sins. Sleeping was my drug. Now its like trying to stop smoking or drinking, really difficult. But I am persevering! I actually gave a talk about Perseverance in Christ at my prayer group... It's people like you that I know God puts in my path to help me realize that it is not that hard if I just abandon myself in Him and trust in His might and will. I will keep on fighting the good fight, and though battered and bruised, God keeps me strong.

...God Bless...

[organwerke]

Thank you for your words!
What do you mean when you say: "sleeping was my drug"?
This makes me laughing because I am a sleepy-head and one of the hardest sacrifice to me it would be to wake up early and to sleep less than 8/9 hours per day (as I am used to do!!). And this makes me laughing because I too think every day: I want to wake up earlier...and every day I lose my fight!!!!
But, honestly, I am also that kind of person who can wake up early if I have a schedule or an appointment...I can't wake up only if haven't nothing to do just after I've woken up.
So I think that if you will attend a seminary it would be easier also for you to wake up when the alarm clock rings!
About your sins: you are already repented, I can also imagine that you have already gone to confession...so why going on with regrets?
This isn't only unnecessary, but it is also useless and perhaps harmful since it takes away a lot of energy to work!
But if you want, you can see also the positive aspects of your sins: they taught to you that you are weak, that you have to trust in God more than in you not to fall again. They increased your humility.
So, I don't see why you couldn't fall in love with God again! Think of saint Augustine: he was a sinner, and yet he became a priest, then a bishop and a great saint!
I'd also advice you to pray mother Teresa's novene "Jesus is my all in all" (you can find it in bookstores): in particular there is a meditation that says that we have to reject the temptation to think that God doesn't love us because of our sins, since Jesus loves us also when we don't feel ourselves worthy of His Love. I think it is a thought very suitable for you!
God bless you.

[GraceUk]

I read a book once a long time ago. It was an author who interviewed several religious from different orders about their vocation. She interviewed one elderly Carmelite Nun. And asked her how she felt when she thought about God. The nun answered mostly nothing. The author was amazed and commented to the reader and this from somebody who has spent most of her life struggling up the slopes of Mount Carmel with St John of the Cross. I don't know why I remembered this but I always have. The author was more or less saying what hope for the rest of us. I don't expect this will help anyone but I thought I would share it.

[Th0t]

Thanks you GraceUk. I had heard something similar about Theresa of Calcutta. That she never was able to see God in anyone even if she tried hard to. Well, something like that but I found out that it wasn't true, that it was just the media saying that stuff.

Organwerke,

Yes, sloth is my biggest sin right now lol and it is funny how I too can wake up early when I have something to do, but if I know I don't have anything to do but to just clean, "Ehh, I think I'll wake up later" I tell myself lol

But yeah I do sometimes stay with regret but my spiritual director has told me that its a tactic that the devil likes to use to make us feel down and not want to do anything. As soon as I begin to feel like that, I begin to say thank you Lord for everything. I heard Peter Kreeft say one time, its easy to amuse God but hard to please. I think it went like that lol I'm bad with memory sometimes.

But other than all of that, I'm just praying that the Lord holds onto me. I know and believe I have all the strength I need, but I still ask Him for it.