Living In The Present Moment

[humbleheart]

I made plans to enter a monastery not long after I graduated, but then my sister became seriously ill and I had to provide 24-hour live-in care. I have no regrets about that. She worries sometimes that she spoiled things for me, but every time she says that I reassure her that it was a privilege to help her get well and that I will always be grateful to God for giving us that gift of time together.

Then I became ill mentally, chiefly as a result of stress. At one point we didn't know whether my sister was going to live or die. The care she received from our local hospital was dreadful - on one horrible night she was left without pain relief for hours, no matter how many times I went to the nurses' station and begged them to help. Apparently she had to see the consultant before they could administer any more of the drugs, and this consultant so rarely showed up on the ward that I began to wonder if he was just a figment of our collective imagination.

I coped fine at the time of crisis. When my sister was discharged into my care, it was as if I didn't need to eat or sleep - I could sit up all night with her AND charge off to the hospital first thing in the morning to see advocates and pester doctors. But once she got better, all that energy left me and I found myself crashing to the floor. Now it's all I can do to get myself out of bed in the morning.

I have a shortlist of three monasteries, and sometimes I feel myself being drawn to their websites. I just sit and look at them - and then I firmly click the 'x' in the right-hand corner of my screen. I was in contact with one of them before my crash. The sisters there know I'm poorly, and I'm very grateful to them for the concern and compassion that they've shown me. But right now it just isn't practical for me to be considering the religious life, as I'm not capable of making any big decisions at present. Even choosing what to have for dinner can cause a sudden tearful outburst.

So I'm trying to find happiness in the present moment, learning the meaning of Milton's line, "They also serve who only stand and wait." If I have to be ill, at least I can make good use of the illness and give it all to God. I'm sure that He will be able to make better use of it than I can. I understand the importance of living in the present moment, but it's hard, especially given what the present moment is like.

The most painful aspect of the illness is what it's done to my personality - I used to be a very level-headed, logical person, and now I find tears starting up for no reason that I can see and feel my temper rising at every little provocation. Two days ago I got very upset because somebody had moved my desk. It was so trivial, and yet for that horrible hour it felt as though it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. There are times when I do feel like my old self, so I know I haven't vanished, but I don't feel like that very often. I miss being me.

I don't qualify for much treatment because I have a lot of insight into my condition and I'm not at any risk of suicide or self-harm. Recovery is going to be a solitary journey. I just wondered if there is anyone on here who has experienced mental distress, and how you coped? How did it affect your prayer life? I would quite like to find a 'prayer buddy' in a similar situation if possible.

[AccountDeleted]

What do you mean that you don't qualify for treatment? Anyone can go to their doctor and get medication for depression or anxiety or even to ask for a referral to a counselor or therapist. If your insurance doesn't cover it, then you should be able to go to a county clinic and talk to a doctor there about appropriate medication or treatment. You don't have to be suicidal or homicidal to seek help!

I will keep you in my prayers, of course. You sound like you are exhausted and need a good rest - sort of a post traumatic stress symdrome (although I am NOT diagnosing you here). If your condition is affective (a reaction to what has happened), then there is every reason to think that you will get better over time, and you need to be patient and gentle with yourself right now.

IF you can, try to spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament in an adoration chapel, or whatever is available to you.

[humbleheart]

[quote name='nunsense' date='07 November 2009 - 03:08 PM' timestamp='1257602916' post='1997697']
What do you mean that you don't qualify for treatment? Anyone can go to their doctor and get medication for depression or anxiety or even to ask for a referral to a counselor or therapist. If your insurance doesn't cover it, then you should be able to go to a county clinic and talk to a doctor there about appropriate medication or treatment. You don't have to be suicidal or homicidal to seek help![/quote]

I went to my doctor very early on in my illness, when I noticed that something wasn't quite right. (I had lost my appetite and was getting tired very easily, which rang alarm bells for me - normally I eat like a young horse and have the energy to match!) He referred me to a psychologist for assessment. There was a two-month waiting list, and by the time I saw her my symptoms had got worse. She told me that iideally I would be offered some kind of therapy, but the waiting list is very long and people are treated in order of priority. This is the way it works on the NHS. I see you're located in Australia, and I don't know how similar your system is to the British one. The doctor did prescribe some medication, and that has been helpful - it has taken the edge off my fatigue.

[quote]IF you can, try to spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament in an adoration chapel, or whatever is available to you.
[/quote]

There's an Adoration chapel very close by. I go there two or three times a week, and I always come away feeling rested. It's funny - I'm ill and tired, and I can see that, but in a strange way my soul is a lot more peaceful than when I was well.

After I had finished my rosary yesterday I picked up the Bible, intending to conclude my prayer by reading one of the psalms, and it fell open on the book of Tobit. The first verses that caught my eye were, "The mother comforted her daughter in her tears, and said to her, 'Be brave, my child; the Lord of heaven and earth grant you joy in place of this sorrow of yours. Be brave, my daughter.'" It was a lovely unexpected ending to the rosary for me. Bravery and trust are qualities that needn't be affected by mood swings or tiredness, and I hope that I will be able to use this time to cultivate them.

Thank you for your kindness and your prayers, nunsense. I will pray for you too.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote]"Your tears were collected by the Angels and were placed in a gold chalice and you will find them when you present yourself before God." - Padre Pio[/quote]

I don't really know how to respond to this except to say that you are a beautiful, generous soul. And that my prayers are with you.

lc

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='humbleheart' date='08 November 2009 - 01:55 AM' timestamp='1257605750' post='1997708']
I went to my doctor very early on in my illness, when I noticed that something wasn't quite right. (I had lost my appetite and was getting tired very easily, which rang alarm bells for me - normally I eat like a young horse and have the energy to match!) He referred me to a psychologist for assessment. There was a two-month waiting list, and by the time I saw her my symptoms had got worse. She told me that iideally I would be offered some kind of therapy, but the waiting list is very long and people are treated in order of priority. This is the way it works on the NHS. I see you're located in Australia, and I don't know how similar your system is to the British one. The doctor did prescribe some medication, and that has been helpful - it has taken the edge off my fatigue.



There's an Adoration chapel very close by. I go there two or three times a week, and I always come away feeling rested. It's funny - I'm ill and tired, and I can see that, but in a strange way my soul is a lot more peaceful than when I was well.

After I had finished my rosary yesterday I picked up the Bible, intending to conclude my prayer by reading one of the psalms, and it fell open on the book of Tobit. The first verses that caught my eye were, "The mother comforted her daughter in her tears, and said to her, 'Be brave, my child; the Lord of heaven and earth grant you joy in place of this sorrow of yours. Be brave, my daughter.'" It was a lovely unexpected ending to the rosary for me. Bravery and trust are qualities that needn't be affected by mood swings or tiredness, and I hope that I will be able to use this time to cultivate them.

Thank you for your kindness and your prayers, nunsense. I will pray for you too.
[/quote]

Ah, England. I thought you were in the States. Things are different in England, yes. So, do you have a spiritual director? I know they aren't hanging off the trees over there, but they are around, and if you can't see a therapist, at least it would be good to have someone to talk to. If not a priest, then perhaps a religious? Some of the convents and monasteries have sisters or monks who could do this. I just think it would be good for you to be able to talk about your feelings with someone while your body is recovering from what has been a stressful time. I don't know if England has "support groups" (people with similar experiences who get together at regular meetings to support each other)? This might be another way to help.

It might just be a matter of needing time for convalescence. There are some organizations who help caregivers, but even if you can't find one, know that burn-out among caregivers is a very real thing, and don't judge yourself at all for needing time to recover now. Is your sister able to help you now that she is better? At least emotionally?

So be very kind to yourself right now.... "pray:

[holly.o]

It will get better. Just be patient. I went through some major mental/emotional trauma ~ 3 years ago, & I'm much better but still healing. I remember the emotions that I experienced, too - so much different than what I'd been my entire life! As far as your personality goes - we change all the time, but usually more slowly. If you went through something so difficult, it might've made you change what you do & how you react to things more quickly. Maybe you're just adjusting now.. ?

You're so far beyond a lot of people who experience something difficult because you're trying to live in the present moment. That takes a lot of wisdom to see.

You're not alone in your journey. Jesus is with you all the time. All of this life is really a process of being healed by Him. You'll make it. Just give it time. & if He wants you in a monastery, you'll be there.

Pax Christi!

[holly.o]

& I forgot to mention, like nunsense said above about visiting the Blessed Sacrament, prayer is soooooo important in the process of healing. It's great you're praying the Rosary. I don't know how I would've made it (& currently make it) without that.

The saints & Our Blessed Mother want to help you, so definitely reach out to them!

[humbleheart]

Thank you Holly, Laetitia, Nunsense. Your kindness has helped a lot. I will pray for you all at Mass this evening.

A friend has taken to coming round to my flat (apartment is the American name for it, I think) and doing some housework for me once or a twice a week. At first she did it so subtly that I didn't even notice what she was up to! She also loves baking, so right now my cupboard is full of homemade bread to have with my soup. Little things like that make a big difference. My sister and my parents have also been helping in whatever way they can. (Unfortunately one of my sister's thoughtful ways of helping is to try and entertain me with her violin in the evenings. I think I preferred it when she was too ill to hold the thing! )

I've contacted the Princess Royal Trust for Carers, and there is a carergivers' support group that meets in the next town. Better yet, I've found that one of the churches in the area runs a 'listening service' - they have a couple of qualified counsellors who belong to that parish and who volunteer some time each week. I wouldn't be able to speak to them on a regular basis, as they try to be available to as many people as possible, but they said I could have an appointment every three weeks or so if I just wanted to get things off my chest.

I don't have a spiritual director. I can't think of anyone whom I know well enough to ask. Our priest is lovely, but he's very old and getting quite forgetful. I don't think it would be fair to put any more demands on his time. I will keep praying for one and hopefully one will wander along.

[HisChild]

There's a saying of Mother Teresa's that I learned many moons ago. "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

A spiritual director would be such a big help for you, or perhaps a pastor in a neighboring parish. But seeing as that doesn't look possible right now, lean on our Lord for help. Trust that He will pull you out of this malaise.
Then, in that trust, be His co-worker. Allow Him to work through you, yes, but the effort has to be yours, right?

Another thing you can do, if it really is burnout, is set goals. Give yourself a week, for instance, and then at the end of the week you will start doing ____________________. Let's say that you were just too tired to get out of bed and you find yourself in there sleeping 12 hours a day. Now set your alarm for, say, 10 hours. And then get up. Each little goal is a little triumph to assist you in returning to the 'you' you used to be.

I was in a terrible funk after a very low point in my life. I guess I didn't think of it as mental distress although who knows? That could have been what it was. I just felt like a profound sense of failure had swept over me. I could not find any spiritual directors either. So I set goals to one by one eradicate some of the things that kept me in this low funk. This is what helped me, looking at it almost intellectually and non-emotionally. It was rough because it was easier to allow things to remain the way they were, but I made myself set goals and then made sure I kept to them. I backslid a few times, but eventually I got back to 'normalcy' (although what's normal any way?)

I will pray for you!

God reward you,

HisChild

[Digitaldame]

[quote name='humbleheart' date='07 November 2009 - 01:40 PM' timestamp='1257597655' post='1997680']
I made plans to enter a monastery not long after I graduated, but then my sister became seriously ill and I had to provide 24-hour live-in care. I have no regrets about that. She worries sometimes that she spoiled things for me, but every time she says that I reassure her that it was a privilege to help her get well and that I will always be grateful to God for giving us that gift of time together.

Then I became ill mentally, chiefly as a result of stress. At one point we didn't know whether my sister was going to live or die. The care she received from our local hospital was dreadful - on one horrible night she was left without pain relief for hours, no matter how many times I went to the nurses' station and begged them to help. Apparently she had to see the consultant before they could administer any more of the drugs, and this consultant so rarely showed up on the ward that I began to wonder if he was just a figment of our collective imagination.

I coped fine at the time of crisis. When my sister was discharged into my care, it was as if I didn't need to eat or sleep - I could sit up all night with her AND charge off to the hospital first thing in the morning to see advocates and pester doctors. But once she got better, all that energy left me and I found myself crashing to the floor. Now it's all I can do to get myself out of bed in the morning.

I have a shortlist of three monasteries, and sometimes I feel myself being drawn to their websites. I just sit and look at them - and then I firmly click the 'x' in the right-hand corner of my screen. I was in contact with one of them before my crash. The sisters there know I'm poorly, and I'm very grateful to them for the concern and compassion that they've shown me. But right now it just isn't practical for me to be considering the religious life, as I'm not capable of making any big decisions at present. Even choosing what to have for dinner can cause a sudden tearful outburst.

So I'm trying to find happiness in the present moment, learning the meaning of Milton's line, "They also serve who only stand and wait." If I have to be ill, at least I can make good use of the illness and give it all to God. I'm sure that He will be able to make better use of it than I can. I understand the importance of living in the present moment, but it's hard, especially given what the present moment is like.

The most painful aspect of the illness is what it's done to my personality - I used to be a very level-headed, logical person, and now I find tears starting up for no reason that I can see and feel my temper rising at every little provocation. Two days ago I got very upset because somebody had moved my desk. It was so trivial, and yet for that horrible hour it felt as though it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. There are times when I do feel like my old self, so I know I haven't vanished, but I don't feel like that very often. I miss being me.

I don't qualify for much treatment because I have a lot of insight into my condition and I'm not at any risk of suicide or self-harm. Recovery is going to be a solitary journey. I just wondered if there is anyone on here who has experienced mental distress, and how you coped? How did it affect your prayer life? I would quite like to find a 'prayer buddy' in a similar situation if possible.
[/quote]

[Digitaldame]

I have asked the community here to keep you in their prayers. Emotional exhaustion such as you decrivbe often arises when situations are actually "getting better" because your body can finally relax the tension which has kept you going for so long. Be gentle with yourself and try to avoid anxiety. I have to say that finding a good spriritual director is never easy and a bad one can do much harm, but I don't believe that God is ever outdone in generosity and I am sure he will lead you to your heart's desire.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='humbleheart' date='08 November 2009 - 09:04 AM' timestamp='1257685446' post='1998165']
Thank you Holly, Laetitia, Nunsense. Your kindness has helped a lot. I will pray for you all at Mass this evening.

A friend has taken to coming round to my flat (apartment is the American name for it, I think) and doing some housework for me once or a twice a week. At first she did it so subtly that I didn't even notice what she was up to! She also loves baking, so right now my cupboard is full of homemade bread to have with my soup. Little things like that make a big difference. My sister and my parents have also been helping in whatever way they can. (Unfortunately one of my sister's thoughtful ways of helping is to try and entertain me with her violin in the evenings. I think I preferred it when she was too ill to hold the thing! )

I've contacted the Princess Royal Trust for Carers, and there is a carergivers' support group that meets in the next town. Better yet, I've found that one of the churches in the area runs a 'listening service' - they have a couple of qualified counsellors who belong to that parish and who volunteer some time each week. I wouldn't be able to speak to them on a regular basis, as they try to be available to as many people as possible, but they said I could have an appointment every three weeks or so if I just wanted to get things off my chest.

I don't have a spiritual director. I can't think of anyone whom I know well enough to ask. Our priest is lovely, but he's very old and getting quite forgetful. I don't think it would be fair to put any more demands on his time. I will keep praying for one and hopefully one will wander along.
[/quote]
Dearheart, we are not counselors, therapists or spiritual directors here, but someone will always take the time to listen and respond here, open mic or trans board. We really mean it here when we say phatmass phamily.

[holly.o]

Something else I thought of: animals are great therapists! If you can (I don't know if you're allergic, afraid, or whatever), go to a shelter or someplace where you can interact with animals. They'll be grateful for your love, & they'll give love in return.



Peace.