Is This Controversial? Do You Agree/disagree?

[ToJesusMyHeart]

"What Women Want from the Church: To Have (and Enjoy) Sex

 

You promised me I would never regret this. 

I thought I did everything right. After all, I did the things you told me to do. 

I prayed for my future husband. I made a list of non-negotiables. I kissed dating goodbye. I was a lady in waiting. I let God write my love story.

I sat on the front row of the ‘damaged goods’ sermon with my head held high. I knew who the girls were in the room our youth pastor was talking to. I wasn't one of those girls. 

 

I was sexless and shameless. And proud. 

Sexual purity became my idol.ʉ۬
Sexual purity fueled my pride.

 

Whenever I was asked about my life calling, my life purpose, my answer was rehearsed and ready: "My mission is to inspire others to have an appreciation for the anticipation of sacred waiting." (I'm 99% sure I stole that straight from an Eric and Leslie Ludy book.)

Somewhere along the way I bought into the lie that my worth as a Christian, that my identity in Christ, was directly connected to my sexual purity. 

that "somewhere" was church. 

 

But I regret this. 

I regret buying into the things you told me about sex, about my body, about my sexuality.  

But mostly I regret saving sex for marriage. 

 

I got married about five months ago...

Is there a sexuality switch that you forgot to tell me about?

Perhaps my switch disabled when my Sunday school teacher described to me the excruciating pain of sexual intercourse as the worse pain she had ever experienced.

 

So I am married. And I am still sexless. 
But I am not shameless. Not anymore. 

 

Let me tell you how it feels to be a woman whose singleness was spent in "sacred waiting" and whose marriage is spent in secret shame.

Let me tell you, church, about my anxiety and panic attacks and fear and tears and disappointment and anger that I experience every time we get somewhat close to intercourse. I feel shame because NO I HAVE NEVER BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. I feel shame because there is no reason that I can make sense of as to why I would have such severe sexual anxiety, besides the reality that I have spent most of my life clinching tight to my sexual purity and have found my worth in this very virtue. 

 

Let me tell you, church, about my husband who is so gracious and patient and understanding, even five months into this sexless marriage. I feel shame that because of my sexual anxiety, this sweet and perfect and gentle man of valor whom I love so much has not yet had the amazingly blessed married sex that he, too, had been promised after waiting so long. 

 

Let me tell you, church, about lying through my artificial smile when my friends ask me about "married life" as they fish for details about married sex. I feel shame because I am certain that no one else would understand. I feel shamebecause I am certain that my Christian community would be quick to judge. I feel shame because a sexless marriage is not what a good "Christian" marriage looks like. I feel shame because I lie about it again and again. 

Let me tell you, church, about your "experts" in marriage counseling who insist that if I don't buck up and let my husband penetrate me, that he will find someone else to meet his needs. I feel shame to know that these Christian "experts" can justify my husband's hypothetical extramarital affair, and insist that my withholding of and my resistance to sex would be to blame.

 

I’m drowning in this shame. I’m so lonely in this shame.

I thought I did everything right, but I’m not so sure anymore that I did.

 

What do I, a woman, want from you, the church?

I want the church to be gentle with the hearts and minds of the young girls and recognize that many of these same young girls will soon be young, married women.

I want the church to stop equating virginity with purity so that girls, like me, aren’t put on a purity pedestal.

I want the church to stop taking the easy, lazy way out by teaching a fear-based, shame-based view of sexuality and to stop shying away from a healthy and honest conversation about sexuality.

I want the church to give me, and those like me, a chance to be vulnerable without judgment, without correction, without shame.

 

Finally, I want the church to stop reducing me to a failed wife because it was the church who failed me."

 

http://prestonyancey.com/blog/2014/2/13

 

 

 

Curious what you think.

[cmaD2006]

Leaving this in open mic for now ... if at some point Phatmassers think this belongs in Debate Table please hit the report button.

[NotreDame]

I don't like it when people who are clearly dealing with personal issues blame "the Church."   It makes it difficult to defend the church  or even disagree with the premise without appearing to attack the individual. 

[CatholicCid]

I would wonder what "Church" the author is referring to when using the term "Church".

 

Especially with this line: "I want the church to stop taking the easy, lazy way out by teaching a fear-based, shame-based view of sexuality and to stop shying away from a healthy and honest conversation about sexuality."

 

From the controversial angle and through the lens of the Catholic Church, I would think this would be controversial only in that I wouldn't believe it is something reflective of Church teaching. Cue Theology of the Body, etc... The Church, in her teachings, has been trying for some time to show how sex is beautiful. This seems to be written more from someone raised either in a puritanical Christian tradition or a very misunderstood Catholicism.

[PhuturePriest]

There are obviously many issues with this woman (And I don't say "issues" in the personal attack sort of way, but the literal psychology term for it), but the main thing I noticed was she made her virginity who she was. If she loses it, she loses what she has used to define herself all these years, so obviously she wouldn't want to lose it. I think perhaps well-meaning people told her that her virginity was her most treasured thing about her, and that is what has caused this whole issue to happen. Rather than blaming the people who gave her false information, she is blaming the Church. 

[ardillacid]

She sounds very unhappy. Who is responsible for an individual's happiness?

[blazeingstar]

I don't see why she's blaming the church when most of the things that she references are protestant.

 

That and people will always have inverse reactions to some things.   She could of been taken down a notch...SHE was the smug one, and she ignored the words about sex, not those who taught her.

[NotreDame]

Well, know that you all have broken the seal I'll say what I was thinking the whole time I was reading that..

 

I don't know anything about her husband because she never mentioned him in her little narcissistic diatribe, but man do I feel sorry for him.

[Nihil Obstat]

 

 

Sexual purity became my idol.ʉ۬
Sexual purity fueled my pride.

This is the problem, right here. She made it into an idol; she says it herself. For her, her faith was reduced simply to a somewhat unhealthy view of purity. Whether that is her fault, her parents', her priest's, I do not know, but it seems clear to me, based on this article, that her idea of sexual purity was, in essence, her god.

 

Is/was this person Catholic?

Edited February 13, 2014 by Nihil Obstat

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

In the comments so far, I don't see any mercy and love and sadness at another person's hurt.

 

I also find it very interesting that virtually all the comments so far have been by men. (Blazeingstar has chosen not to reveal his/her gender.)

 

Sexuality is VERY different for men and women.

 

Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a member of Phatmass.

Edited February 13, 2014 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[NotreDame]

In the comments so far, I don't see any mercy and love and sadness at another person's hurt.

 

I also find it very interesting that virtually all the comments so far have been by men. (Blazeingstar has chosen not to reveal his/her gender.)

 

Sexuality is VERY different for men and women.

 

Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a member of Phatmass.

 

Now this is more of the type of comment I was expecting.  Blazingstar is a female, btw.
 

[Nihil Obstat]

I do not think it is particularly offensive to point out that having sexual purity become an idol is bound to cause problems. Like I said, it is not necessarily her fault.

[CatholicCid]

In the comments so far, I don't see any mercy and love and sadness at another person's hurt.

 

I also find it very interesting that virtually all the comments so far have been by men. (Blazeingstar has chosen not to reveal his/her gender.)

 

Sexuality is VERY different for men and women.

 

Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a member of Phatmass.

 

 

 

She clearly has very severe sexual anxiety that she and her husband will have to work together to overcome. She is clearly wounded in some way; Thankfully, she seems to have an understanding husband and is attempting to work through her anxiety. Overall, the situation is, of course, a sad one. 

 

That being said, we are responding to a C/P article under the title of "Is this Controversial? Do you agree/disagree?" which appears to be asking for opinions of the contents and arguments made in the article, not necessarily empathetic responses to the anonymous author. 

 

What are your thoughts towards the article itself? Towards the question of the OP in general?

 

Her general point seems to be that the way her church educated her towards sexuality was one that saw sex as shameful and that purity is to be sought after above all. This experience has left her unable to accept physical intimacy.

 

What was your experience through your church? Was sexuality taught in a healthy and comfortable way? Or, more in the fear-inducing way described in the original article?

 

In my experience with various Catholic Churches and schools throughout the US in the past several years, I've, thankfully, seen the topic of sexuality handled very well. Not being controlled by fear, but by taught as the love it is meant to be.

Edited February 13, 2014 by CatholicCid

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Whatever. I sincerely doubt that Jesus would have reacted to the story of a person's emotional pain in the way any of you reacted.

 

Your reactions are so "up in arms" that anyone, in their pain, might possibly think of blaming the Church, that you are ignoring the story and the person behind it.

 

If/when any of you shared a story of serious emotional pain, I would try to understand your pain and show sympathy and caring and love before passing judgement.

 

If you are examples of the kinds of things members of the Catholic church would say, and the judgements you would pass, about ANY person obviously in serious emotional pain--whether Catholic or Protestant--it should be immaterial--then I don't want any part of it. I'm ashamed to be associated with all of you.

[NotreDame]

Ignatius of Loyola,

 

I agree with your sentiments and if it was the first time I'd seen it I would have been very sympathetic.  But I see these type of woe-is-me stories from the Gen-Y/Z crowd so often now that it just rolls right over me.  Maybe it's because I'm callous, but it also could be because deep down inside I think the underlying issue in all of these situations is narcissm - or well placed trolling.

 

Regardless, that person isn't on the board, it wasn't their blog that it was posted at (the blog belonged to a guy), and there's no reason to believe we have to sugar-coat things for the ostensibly fragile writer since they are probably never going to see these comments.