Home Is Where The Heart Is?

[Catholicterp7]

For the past three and a half years of my life I've been searching for the place that says "This is home, this is where I was made to spend the rest of my life" and I've not found it. I have visited eight very different religious communities in three and a half years and, though I am attracted to parts of each one, it's never been home. I've never felt like I found the place where I can be myself to the fullest. 

A few months ago God gave me a lot of grace to focus on my present vocation and be content with His current will for my life. Through a homily on the feast of the Epiphany I came to understand and accept that I'm not going to be entering any time soon, that my vocation is to live in the world as an ASL interpreter and on the inside be living radically for Him. It took me a while because for the past seven years I've been looking at various communities and it was hard to stop but, again, God gave me a lot of grace. I really delved into the Deaf community in general but also in the Deaf Catholic community here. 

About a month ago the thought of living consecrated in the world came into my heart for the third time in four or five years. The thing that stopped me each time prior to now is the aspect of community life. I have such a desire for really strong community which is why I've always been drawn to religious communities that have an emphasis on that. I always, I guess, assumed that because of that desire it meant God was calling me to religious life. Since I've been involved more and more in the Deaf community I've been realizing maybe that is the community God is calling me to, not a religious community. 

On Saturday I was interpreting a conference and two of the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist were there. I think most of you know, but for those of you who don't, I discerned SERIOUSLY with the SMME. They were the first community I visited and I fell head over heels in love and didn't actually discern, I just assumed. I realized, thank God, that I'm not called there but it was hard to come to terms with that. It was kind-of like a first crush but that was almost four years ago and I'm fine with everything that happened now. When I saw Sister on Saturday it was disconcerting because, it was the first time I've seen any SMME in almost two years, and it was the first time I've seen Sisters since God was like "hey, maybe this isn't what I have planned for you." It was hard for me because it has been really overwhelming to grasp that the thing I've been so focused on for seven years isn't in my life right now. I have no idea if I'm going to be consecrated in the world or in five years I'll find a community that's home to me but right now religious life isn't on my radar screen. 

Yesterday I was on my way to Mass and I was praying about my vocation both current and future and I was really struggling with trying to realize that I may not ever be a Sister. I went to Mass with the Deaf community, it was a voice-off (done totally in ASL with a voice interpreter) Mass and two really powerful things happened. First, being able to see the Gospel was so powerful for me. I can't even start to explain how moving it was to see everything. I started crying because it was so amazing. The second thing that happened was after the Consecration prayers I finally felt home. After Mass we had a social, as per usual, and I really felt home, I felt like I could really be myself. I felt that place in my heart that's been searching for three and a half years isn't searching anymore. I know that right now I'm called to be living in the world, with the Deaf community, as a freelance interpreter and I can't describe how wonderful it feels to be home. I realized that I have a community who prays for me, supports me and loves me for me. 

I was thinking/praying about it more last night and I realized that in hindsight, there was one other time I feel home. It was when I was at DeafBlind camp. DeafBlind camp is a Thursday-Sunday part conference, part business stuff, part social (it's hard to explain exactly what happens there) event for the DeafBlind in Michigan. It's also a way for interpreters and students to gain experience with DeafBlind interpreting because it's a whole different thing from interpreting for the Deaf. What's so unique about DBC is that the strong boundary between interpreter and client is fudged and, especially on Saturday night when they have a dance, as an interpreter you really get to know your clients and I made some pretty amazing friends there. On Sunday morning they have "decompression time" where the DeafBlind can talk about the weekend and how it was for them since for the majority of them it's the only time where they can be normal, where people won't look at them weird or see them as disabled or less capable than hearing sighted people. It's usually a really powerful experience for them. If there's time they open the mic to the interpreters and I spoke a bit about how welcome I felt and how wonderful of an experience it was etc. Looking back on that I can see how much at home I felt by the end of the weekend.  

 

The Deaf community is my home right now, and it feels wonderful! I just wanted to share. :) 

 

[OnlySunshine]

I'm really happy for you!  It's always wonderful when you feel that sense of coming home -- even if it isn't what you thought it would be.  I feel the same way about my parish community as you do the Deaf community.  For a while, I just thought that it was temporary and that I'd enter religious life soon.  However, after CRHP and being very active in my parish, I realized that I don't want to leave.  I've really fallen in love with my parish community and I love the ministries I'm involved in.  Everytime I get ready to go to Mass, I feel like I'm going home and I love that.  The strange thing is that I didn't realize it until the Sisters in my parish recommended Consecrated Virginity to me after they saw how much I loved serving my parish community.  Yes, these are the same Sisters from the same community who did not accept me but that doesn't matter.  I love them and I look forward to seeing them every time I go to Mass.  I am so happy they are here.  There are quite a few people who have told me that they don't understand why I wasn't accepted and I should continue to ask the Sisters for an opportunity to discern.  The truth is, I'm happy and at peace with their decision.  I think God was trying to tell me that I should be open to missionary life because I was scared of it for a LONG time and closed my heart to it.  The same thing happened with cloistered life.  God wants me to be open to any avenue He has in store for me but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm called there.  It simply means I cannot close it off because I'm scared of it.

 

You seem to really be at peace with not discerning religious life anymore and I am at peace, too.  I think we finally can focus on what God is really asking of us instead of looking around for the perfect community even though we are already where He wants us.  I pray that you continue to be open to religious life if it is what He wants of you in the future.  For now, keep interpreting!  We need people who are open to the Deaf community since they are often dehumanized and treated badly since they cannot hear.  I will keep you in my prayers and I ask that you keep me in yours.  :)

[Chiara Francesco]

You could also become a Third Order member - the Franciscans, Carmelites, Dominicans, Benedictines and Visitation orders have them.  With the Secular Franciscans you live that as radically as you want, with in good reason of course!, with living and embracing Lady Poverty!  There have been many holy Secular Saints and Blesseds - St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Elizaabeth of Hungary and many famous lay people including Popes.

 

The same for Carmelites - Bl. John Paull II was a Third Order Carmelite.  All these Third/Secular Orders have a great community with meetings and outings, etc with an asisgned priest for talks and spiritual director.  I was Third Order Carmelite back in the early 90s but then moved away from the area. 

 

They pledge/vow to say so many Divine Offices a day, say certain prayers attend mass every day if possible but if not, the typical Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation, they live by a rule of their order and for the Carmelites, once you are a in their form of Solemn Vows and die, you are clothed in the habit of a Carmeilte.  I think all Third Order Carmelites are the same - at least this is what my chapter did.  They had 2 books we used, besides a Bible, Divine Office, books on Carmel and it's saints like the readings/life on Sts Teresa Avila, John of the Cross, Therese, etc.

 

I know some about the Secular Franciscans but not much about the other orders.

 

Maybe you are to enter a Third Order member?

[Catholicterp7]

If I'm called to live in the world I"m fairly sure I'd become a third order Dominican. I really love the Dominican spirituality.

[OnlySunshine]

You could also become a Third Order member - the Franciscans, Carmelites, Dominicans, Benedictines and Visitation orders have them.  With the Secular Franciscans you live that as radically as you want, with in good reason of course!, with living and embracing Lady Poverty!  There have been many holy Secular Saints and Blesseds - St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Elizaabeth of Hungary and many famous lay people including Popes.

 

The same for Carmelites - Bl. John Paull II was a Third Order Carmelite.  All these Third/Secular Orders have a great community with meetings and outings, etc with an asisgned priest for talks and spiritual director.  I was Third Order Carmelite back in the early 90s but then moved away from the area. 

 

They pledge/vow to say so many Divine Offices a day, say certain prayers attend mass every day if possible but if not, the typical Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation, they live by a rule of their order and for the Carmelites, once you are a in their form of Solemn Vows and die, you are clothed in the habit of a Carmeilte.  I think all Third Order Carmelites are the same - at least this is what my chapter did.  They had 2 books we used, besides a Bible, Divine Office, books on Carmel and it's saints like the readings/life on Sts Teresa Avila, John of the Cross, Therese, etc.

 

I know some about the Secular Franciscans but not much about the other orders.

 

Maybe you are to enter a Third Order member?

 

This is what I intend to do.  I was thinking of looking into the Secular Franciscans since we have some in my diocese.  I love St. Francis of Assisi very much.  We also have some Lay Carmelites here as well.  I found out about them when my friend asked if there were any since she loves the Carmelite spirituality.  As soon as I'm able and have my own transportation, I plan to attend a meeting with the Franciscans and see if I fit in there.  :)