Please Critique My Poem

[ChristinaTherese]

Yes, an actual plea for critiques. To be followed by at least two more, when they're ready. Here's the first thing I want your input on, which is a poem:

 

 

A Christmas Poem

When God from Heaven to Earth came down,

He left behind His royal crown.

He had nothing to tell of his power,

Only a little hay in flower.

 

He did not seek to hide from pain,

But bore it gladly for our gain.

Even though He was scourged and bled,

He did not run, but bowed His head.

 

So let us greet the Holy Child,

Who lies here for us, meek and mild.

Let us give Him our hearts today,

And hold Him close now, come what may.

 

Since He who loved us bore such pain,

Let us not fear that death may reign.

Take up your cross, and do not fear,

Even though pain should draw so near.

 

I want to give this as a Christmas present, so input would be quite welcomed. Not just critiques, but a general like/not like would be welcomed. (The other two things I mentioned above, by the way, are another poem and a drawing.)

[PhuturePriest]

It's really good! I suck at poetry so I don't have any ideas or critiques, but it is really good.

[ChristinaTherese]

Edited version:

 

 

A Christmas Poem

When God to us on Earth came down,

He left behind His royal crown.

He had no gold to show his power,

Only a little hay in flower.

 

He did not seek to hide from pain,

But bore it gladly for our gain.

Even when He was scourged and bled,

He did not run, but bowed His head.

 

So let us greet this Holy Child,

Who lies for us here, meek and mild.

Let us give Him our hearts today,

And hold Him close now, come what may.

 

Since He who loved us bore such pain,

Let us not fear that death may reign.

Take up your cross, and do not fear,

Even though pain should draw so near.

 

The only thing I don't like right now is the third line in the second stanza. It doesn't feel like it flows the same as the rest. What do you guys think? Does the poem flow? Does that line flow badly, or does it flow badly in a good way, or is it perfect? Do you have any suggestions for changes if you think any should be made?

[jumpfrog]

Yes, that line gets pretty graphic, compared to the rest of the poem.

 

 

For my taste, I think line 4 of the first verse is kind of challenging sense...hay in flower?  How about adjusting those two lines, maybe with a new rhyme..."power" kind of limits you...unless you can tie in a 'bower' of hay?

 

Also, you can make the last line scan better (rhythym) by removing "Even" and adding "your"..."Though your pain should draw so near."

[emmaberry101]

Edited version:

 

 

A Christmas Poem

When God to us on Earth came down,

He left behind His royal crown.

He had no gold to show his power,

Only a little hay in flower.

 

He did not seek to hide from pain,

But bore it gladly for our gain.

Even when He was scourged and bled,

He did not run, but bowed His head.

 

So let us greet this Holy Child,

Who lies for us here, meek and mild.

Let us give Him our hearts today,

And hold Him close now, come what may.

 

Since He who loved us bore such pain,

Let us not fear that death may reign.

Take up your cross, and do not fear,

Even though pain should draw so near.

 

The only thing I don't like right now is the third line in the second stanza. It doesn't feel like it flows the same as the rest. What do you guys think? Does the poem flow? Does that line flow badly, or does it flow badly in a good way, or is it perfect? Do you have any suggestions for changes if you think any should be made?

 

Very nice! For the third line in the second stanza, you could substitute 'And' instead of 'even' to make the rhythm match up, or just keep it as it is! You could also sub in another phrase for 'Let us' which repeats often in the third and fourth stanza. Maybe the third line in the third stanza could read: "Give Him your whole heart today" or something similar. My last suggestion would be to possibly substitute a mention of the manger or a general rearranging of the beginning of the second line (third stanza) where "for us here" is now. Of course, all of these are only suggestions, and even without them, the poem will be a fantastic gift! I love it. :)