Kylie Spinelli Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Hi everyone! So some background info first, and then to the question: My parents are not Catholic; one claims to be Catholic, but doesn't practice, and the other does not approve of my passion for Christ and His Church, at all. I have been discerning for a year now, and I just met with my spiritual director for the first time today. He told me what I knew he would say, but didn't want to hear - that I HAVE to tell my parents that I am discerning. When and how, I don't know. But I was wondering since some of you are already Religious, and some are actively discerning, how you broke the ice with your parents, and how you told them that you are discerning a call to the religious life. I don't really know how to start this conversation and I hope that you guys can offer up some words of wisdom God bless you all and thank you so much!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 You really have to ease into it. It's not an easy thing to reveal, especially to parents who don't know much about religious life (like mine) or those who don't practice. The way I brought it up was that I mentioned that I had met religious when my mom sent me to a Young Adult retreat and that I was interested. That was the first step. Then, later, I reminded my mom about the Sisters and told her that I wanted to look into discernment retreats. We had watched "Therese" together so she knew about the Carmelites and that's the first order I considered. It was tense for the first year. She never outwardly discouraged me from pursuing religious life, but she wasn't completely for it either. I did not talk about it much and, if I did, we had heated discussions and it never ended well, so I stopped bringing it up. I did, however, remain open to discussion if she had questions about the process. Slowly, but surely, she asked me questions concerning different religious orders, formation, and habits. She became interested in learning about the orders I was discerning with and would ask me questions pertaining to their apostolates. Then, in February 2011, some religious came to our Church to speak on World Day for Consecrated Life. My mom finally understood why I was so attracted to it, but I had put my discernment on hold for a while due to the fact that I had lost my job and wasn't in a good place emotionally or spiritually. I did start discerning about a month later when I felt the prodding again and now I am discerning with the same order that came to our parish -- they've been there 3 times. I've had my psychological evaluation and my mom has been there for me every step of the way. The thing that really helped was going through CRHP together -- both receiving and presenting weekends. We grew closer than ever and she really supports me in my discernment. Your SD didn't give you any way to start it off? Most of the time, SDs will help you figure out how to tell your parents. Like I said before, it's not easy, but it will help to finally get it out. They may take it hard at first and then support you or they may never support you but you need to give them a chance. May Our Immaculate Mother pray for you! God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) You're in late high school, right? (correct me if I'm wrong) Something that would seem logical, especially if your parents are Catholic and pretty active in the faith, is to discuss your future as "figuring out what God is calling me too." Checking out your profile, it would seem you've got some ideas about college. Even though the religious life is not a career or a college choice, that can be a good place to bring it up. Nevermind, should read the OP more carefully, about your parents. Still, I think that you can bring it up in conjuction with "worldly options." You might want to talk to EmilyAnn about this; she's gone through a similar situation. Focus on what they would understand- active orders often will finish their degrees online, etc. Now-Sr. Marigold often talked about telling her mom about the farm life at the monastery. Fun movies are also good ways to start the conversation: Sister Act, the Trouble with Angels, etc. Edited August 25, 2012 by Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylie Spinelli Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 MM - he kind of did, but it was more of an abrupt, "mom & dad we need to talk, I feel that God might be calling me and I need to figure this out" kind of thing. I don't think that will work with them, so I'm looking for other options... And Lisa - yes I'm going to be a sr in the fall (senior, unfortunately not sister ) and If only it were that easy! LOL Mom asked me today why people enter the convent and I tried to explain to her the whole 'calling' thing and she didn't get it "There must be something that draws them more than that, like security..." (and she meant financial security... She's so OTW and doesn't get it! Makes it even more difficult for me, but I will probably end up telling my dad first. He's the non practicing, but he asks me to pray for him... so He's probably the best choice ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhuturePriest Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 [quote name='Kylie Spinelli' timestamp='1345865133' post='2473914'] MM - he kind of did, but it was more of an abrupt, "mom & dad we need to talk, I feel that God might be calling me and I need to figure this out" kind of thing. I don't think that will work with them, so I'm looking for other options... And Lisa - yes I'm going to be a sr in the fall (senior, unfortunately not sister ) and If only it were that easy! LOL Mom asked me today why people enter the convent and I tried to explain to her the whole 'calling' thing and she didn't get it "There must be something that draws them more than that, like security..." (and she meant financial security... She's so OTW and doesn't get it! Makes it even more difficult for me, but I will probably end up telling my dad first. He's the non practicing, but he asks me to pray for him... so He's probably the best choice ) [/quote] Always start with the easiest one first, then ease yourself into a conversation with the other one. One thing I would recommend that you already probably know is not to say "I'm going to be a Sister", but to say or at least imply you are thinking about it. I would also recommend making sure your father doesn't tell your mother outright and that he agrees it should be done gradually, as I am sure he will agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Having done the 'I'm going to be a nun' route -- and having to move out of the house when it exploded.... I think I would move a little slower had I it to do over again.... You need to obey your spiritual director, but I also think it is mportant to go slowly and not scare them. Either they already know... or this is going to be a big surprise. Either way, it may be a difficult conversation... or it may go very well. I've known it to go both ways with people I have helped with discerning and entering. I think I would break the news up a little bit.... starting to let them know you are thinking about what you might want to do with yourself in the future... that you are starting to get a sense of what you like to do and what you are good at.... and that you are starting to think about the kinds of people and lifestyle you might want to do it with. They probably aren't ready for the "I want to marry Jesus" tack, even if that is most important to you.... They already know you are fairly religious, so eventually that will become part of the discussion, but I wouldn't start there..... I don't know if you are looking at an active community or a contemplative one.... but you might start dropping hints that you are interested in the lifestyle and the work of the community that interests you WITHOUT saying that you are thinking of becoming a sister or nun. So... for example, if you are thinking about a teaching community, let your family know you are really thinking about studying to be a teacher... and that that is something you think you would really enjoy, and that would be a good fit for you. If/as it seems appropriate, you could then let them know that you could see yourself doing this and teaching religion and other subjects, or that you think you'd like teaching in a Catholic school.... or working with kids and helping them to prepare for first communion.... If you are helping out doing any of those things already, let them know how much you are enjoying it, and that you could envision doing this with your entire life.... If you are thinking about nursing or social work, again, let them know that you can see yourself doing that kind of work and that you think it would be neat to be able to do that in a Catholic context. Let them figure out where you are headed... they'll ask questions when they are ready... or when the time comes for you to take ithe next step, you'll at least have a little bit of 'floor' in your discussion. If you're looking at a contemplative community, that can be a little tougher, but the same idea still holds. You may want to let your family know how much prayer (and study)(or time to be alone to think) (and ______ [fill in whatever is important in your community]) mean to you. If your community does a lot of sewing or cooking or gardening, or some other work, take some classes or get involved in something similar, and let your family ssee how much you like it. If your community does a lot of singing or chanting, get involved in your choir. If you like sewing and 'housework' types of things, concentrate on showing your family that developing those skills is important and interesting to you. That way, when the time comes to share more, they will know at least that this is both an interest of yours, and that it is a good match for things you like to do and / or that you are good at doing. They want you to be happy... and if they can see that you will be doing things that will make you happy, it will help..... When the time comes, we can suggeset some books they might like, too.... And above all... love them and pray for them. It will be hard for them if they can't visualize you as a Sister.... probably because they have either never met one or certainly never thought THAT would happen to THEIR daughter. And we'll all pray, too..... If you want to try some ideas on us, go right ahead.... Edited August 25, 2012 by AnneLine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhuturePriest Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) [quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1345867609' post='2473942'] Having done the 'I'm going to be a nun' route -- and having to move out of the house when it exploded.... I think I would move a little slower had I it to do over again.... You need to obey your spiritual director, but I also think it is mportant to go slowly and not scare them. Either they already know... or this is going to be a big surprise. Either way, it may be a difficult conversation... or it may go very well. I've known it to go both ways with people I have helped with discerning and entering. I think I would break the news up a little bit.... starting to let them know you are thinking about what you might want to do with yourself in the future... that you are starting to get a sense of what you like to do and what you are good at.... and that you are starting to think about the kinds of people and lifestyle you might want to do it with. They probably aren't ready for the "I want to marry Jesus" tack, even if that is most important to you.... They already know you are fairly religious, so eventually that will become part of the discussion, but I wouldn't start there..... I don't know if you are looking at an active community or a contemplative one.... but you might start dropping hints that you are interested in the lifestyle and the work of the community that interests you WITHOUT saying that you are thinking of becoming a sister or nun. So... for example, if you are thinking about a teaching community, let your family know you are really thinking about studying to be a teacher... and that that is something you think you would really enjoy, and that would be a good fit for you. If/as it seems appropriate, you could then let them know that you could see yourself doing this and teaching religion and other subjects, or that you think you'd like teaching in a Catholic school.... or working with kids and helping them to prepare for first communion.... If you are helping out doing any of those things already, let them know how much you are enjoying it, and that you could envision doing this with your entire life.... If you are thinking about nursing or social work, again, let them know that you can see yourself doing that kind of work and that you think it would be neat to be able to do that in a Catholic context. Let them figure out where you are headed... they'll ask questions when they are ready... or when the time comes for you to take ithe next step, you'll at least have a little bit of 'floor' in your discussion. If you're looking at a contemplative community, that can be a little tougher, but the same idea still holds. You may want to let your family know how much prayer (and study)(or time to be alone to think) (and ______ [fill in whatever is important in your community]) mean to you. If your community does a lot of sewing or cooking or gardening, or some other work, take some classes or get involved in something similar, and let your family ssee how much you like it. If your community does a lot of singing or chanting, get involved in your choir. If you like sewing and 'housework' types of things, concentrate on showing your family that developing those skills is important and interesting to you. That way, when the time comes to share more, they will know at least that this is both an interest of yours, and that it is a good match for things you like to do and / or that you are good at doing. They want you to be happy... and if they can see that you will be doing things that will make you happy, it will help..... When the time comes, we can suggeset some books they might like, too.... And above all... love them and pray for them. It will be hard for them if they can't visualize you as a Sister.... probably because they have either never met one or certainly never thought THAT would happen to THEIR daughter. And we'll all pray, too..... If you want to try some ideas on us, go right ahead.... [/quote] I really want to prop this post, but unfortunately Lil'Red took all of them today. Edited August 25, 2012 by FuturePriest387 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Lil Red eats a lot of props.... but I thank you... and will prop you with one for your thoughtfulness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhuturePriest Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 [quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1345868691' post='2473961'] Lil Red eats a lot of props.... but I thank you... and will prop you with one for your thoughtfulness... [/quote] What's sad is I tried to prop this post... I blame it on being tired, or as I said it once when I hadn't had enough sleep all week: "This week I have had a major lack of sleep deprivation." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylie Spinelli Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 What do you guys think about using a bit of humor to break the ice first? LOL Just a thought... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Future priest wrote: "What's sad is I tried to prop this post... I blame it on being tired, or as I said it once when I hadn't had enough sleep all week: "This week I have had a major lack of sleep deprivation." " Awwwww.... I think you should pop some zzzzzzzs then.... .... or at least plan to sleep in in the morning! [quote name='Kylie Spinelli' timestamp='1345869054' post='2473967'] What do you guys think about using a bit of humor to break the ice first? LOL Just a thought... [/quote] What exactly do you have in mind? If you arent' careful humor can come back to haunt you if they don't understand..... Edited August 25, 2012 by AnneLine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylie Spinelli Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 mm true, true.... IDK I'm just talking in general, I guess... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhuturePriest Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 [quote name='Kylie Spinelli' timestamp='1345869054' post='2473967'] What do you guys think about using a bit of humor to break the ice first? LOL Just a thought... [/quote] From all the experience in the world, I know for a fact that making jokes about something possibly offensive and/or controversial to the persons involved is not a good idea, even if we are sure the joke is comedy gold, which of course, every joke of mine is comedy gold. [quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1345869254' post='2473969'] Future priest wrote: "What's sad is I tried to prop this post... I blame it on being tired, or as I said it once when I hadn't had enough sleep all week: "This week I have had a major lack of sleep deprivation." " Awwwww.... I think you should pop some zzzzzzzs then.... .... or at least plan to sleep in in the morning! [/quote] I do, trust me. Just a few more prayers to do and then I must brush my teeth for this whole "hygienic" kick I have been doing for the past year or so. And unfortunately sleeping in the morning is not an option. I must wake up very early, in fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil'Monster Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Miles, your jokes are not comedy gold.........they are lame gold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 [quote name='Kylie Spinelli' timestamp='1345869517' post='2473974'] mm true, true.... IDK I'm just talking in general, I guess... [/quote] Yeah, I get it. But I think FP/Miles knows of what he speaks... he's had a few humorous posts blow up in his fact on Phatmass, right Miles? (Some of his jokes are comedy gold, some are lame gold, and some are just old gold.... ) And my only concern, Kylie, is you won't have a chance to do this one over..... so take your time & do it one step at a time... That's my suggestion, anyway.... or you could keep getting phone calls at 4am from your dad like I did from mine so he could be SURE I hadn't escaped to the convent..... Unless you HAVE to do it tomorrow/Sat, why not wait & see if some of the other discerners have ideas for you? Even St. Therese waited till the right moment to tell her dad.... and prayed for a few weeks or months before she did it. Same with Edith Stein.... and she KNEW her mom wouldn't like the idea....Also... sometimes vocation directors from communities hve ideas about how people have done this... you don't have to re-invent the wheel..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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