Lilllabettt Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 phamily, I'm a mess. I don't know how to fix it. Most y'all prolly know I moved 1000 miles from home to teach 1st grade in a high-poverty school. It has been almost 2 months and I am just not hacking it. I mean the class is okay (mediocre anyway, as far as I can tell. formal eval. happens next week.) I don't know whats wrong with me. I have a lot of questions I can't answer. Am I homesick? Would I be this messed up if I were near family/friends? Am I anxious, depressed, overworked etc. because I'm a new teacher? Or because I'm a teacher, and this is just the way teaching is? Or because I'm at a new job, and being new is stressful and hard? Or because I'm at a new "professional" job and I am not cut out for the stress of being a professional? Or because I have no family or friends near me? I have thought about quitting. I have. But what if I quit, moved back home, got a job folding sweaters, and it didn't get better? I will have hurt children and dissapointed people for no good reason. I wish there was someone who had answers for me. I feel so lost, and that I truly smell of elderberries at life, period. I am 26 years old - how can I still be such a mess-up? i feel like before this I was happy and able to enjoy life. The last time I was this sad and confused it was right after I left the convent --- I cried every day for a year. I don't want to go through that again. I have asked some people to recommend a psychiatrist ... but that makes me sad too-- why am I doing a job that gives me a mental health crisis? Or is it really because I have THIS job that this is happening? ... and the questions start again .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaPetiteSoeur Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I don't really know what to tell you--but I'm praying for you, Lilllabettt--be assured of my prayers. It's so hard to be away from family and everyone you know. Teaching in high poverty schools is incredibly difficult. What you're going through doesn't seem too different from what other TFA teachers have told me. One grad student here who taught for two years said it was terribly difficult as there was little support from the school, community, city, and state (which in my state isn't too surprising). You're not alone...have you talked to any of your fellow teachers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG45 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I'll pray for you, because I don't have any advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amppax Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) I honestly can't give much advice, but you will be in my prayers. I think its probably a mix of a lot of those things, I don't think there is just one thing that is the cause, its probably a combination of a lot of the things you mentioned. The only thing I can really offer is prayers. Edited October 8, 2011 by Amppax Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I have spoken to other teachers. They say I should relax -- that I am doing fine. They say "there's people in this building that are struggling (meaning other 1st year teachers) - and you're not one of them." But I am NOT fine. I AM struggling. Last week I cried at the staff meeting, so I am sure now the people at school realize something is wrong. They have been patting me on the back and stopping in my room after school, which is actually really nice. If I knew it was just the job, then I would quit or smell of elderberries it up and tough it out. But I am really concerned that it is not the job. My coworkers are not mean or cold. My students do not hit, curse, or set things on fire. It is just a lot of work, and a lot of work that I don't know how to do. And thats the way it would be no matter what I would be doing ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
incarnatewordsister Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) I think it is the mix of everything that is happening to you. I have been there and it is scary. I could talk about my experience but it will be probably of no help to you. Beginning is hard. You are beginning a new job, a new profession, a new life. Nothing is familiar and you have to adjust and learn too many things. Maybe God is calling you elsewhere. Have you found a spiritual director? Lilla, you are a competent adult, but what you are going through seems to be a lot. Maybe you are afraid of not knowing how to do it? I am better at some things than I am at others. I am actually a professional translator, not a teacher. But I received a teaching certificate through testing. It is in the classroom that I learned to be a teacher, but sometimes adults push a bit too much and they leave no room to wiggle. It may be a personal crisis, facing what God is calling you to, a new stage of discernment? Perhaps it would be good to talk to a competent spiritual director. I am praying for you. Edited October 8, 2011 by incarnatewordsister Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccountDeleted Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 [i]Am I homesick? Would I be this messed up if I were near family/friends?[/i] Have you tried phoning home to family and friends on a regular basis to touch base and get emotional support? [i]Am I anxious, depressed, overworked etc. because I'm a new teacher?[/i] [i]Or because I'm a teacher, and this is just the way teaching is?[/i] Yes. Teaching is like parenting - really hard. [i]Or because I'm at a new job, and being new is stressful and hard?[/i] Yes. You are at a new job AND you are a new teacher. Both of these things are stressful in themselves. [i]Or because I'm at a new "professional" job and I am not cut out for the stress of being a professional?[/i] [i]Or because I have no family or friends near me?[/i] "Professional" isn't the problem. The problem is a new job, a new teaching job' and being away from your support network. You can't evaluate one condition without evaluating all of them. [i]I have thought about quitting. I have. But what if I quit, moved back home, got a job folding sweaters, and it didn't get better? I will have hurt children and dissapointed people for no good reason.[/i] Your own health is a perfectly good reason to make any decision. I doubt that folding sweaters is going to be as stressful - but it might be boring for someone as intelligent as you. I doubt that teaching or folding sweaters are the only two job options possible for you. [i]I am 26 years old - how can I still be such a mess-up?[/i] Age has nothing to do with it - but the last part of the sentences is overly harsh and critical - not enjoying a job is hardly a criterion to label oneself a 'mess-up'. [i]The last time I was this sad and confused it was right after I left the convent --- I cried every day for a year. I don't want to go through that again. I have asked some people to recommend a psychiatrist ... but that makes me sad too-- why am I doing a job that gives me a mental health crisis? Or is it really because I have THIS job that this is happening? ... and the questions start again ....[/i] Sounds to me like you were grieving after the convent - a perfectly natural reaction to the end of a relationship - are you so harsh on others who need to grieve? Be a little kinder to yourself. Right now you are dealing with an enormous amount of changes in your life, which always causes stress. I would suggest seeking helping - not from a psychiatrist, but from a psychologist. you are not metally ill, you are in a situation that is almost unbearable for you. You do have two options, stay or quit. You want to quit but think this will be failure of some kind - you fear the reaction of others and your own opinion of yourself. that's why you need to talk it out with a counselor, so you can come to a decision that you can live with. It isn't easy to makes choices when in a state of distress but if your job is going to keep you in this state, you will sink lower and lower into depression without help. My advice is to be a little kinder to yourself and less jugmental. You are human, and there's nothing wrong with that. Seek help, accept help and know that whatever choice you make, there will be some who approve and some who disapprove, but it's your life and you can't help others if you get sick from stress and worry. Our prayers are all with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southern california guy Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 [quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1318090257' post='2317997'] Am I homesick? Would I be this messed up if I were near family/friends? Am I anxious, depressed, overworked etc. because I'm a new teacher? Or because I'm a teacher, and this is just the way teaching is? Or because I'm at a new job, and being new is stressful and hard? Or because I'm at a new "professional" job and I am not cut out for the stress of being a professional? Or because I have no family or friends near me? [/quote] I'd bet on the homesick away from family/friends thing. Maybe you need to get out and do a little more socializing? And find some good local friends. If I were you I'd stick it out a little longer and see what I could find as far as friends near where you live. Or save some money and occasionally take trips to visit your family when you get a chance. As a school teacher you will have some really long vacations and that will give you time to reconnect with family and friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) Thank you all for replying. It feels so good to have a connection to people. I wish I had a crystal ball. If I knew everything was going to be okay I would just bite down and soldier on. I do call/skype a lot with my family. I think I should actually cut back. It is tiresome for them to have to deal with my problems all the time .. I found out that when my Mom calls and it goes to voicemail, she worries its because I've snapped and driven my car into a wall. Plus on my end, speaking to them seems to get me even more bent out of shape. Its a myth that teachers have long vacations. all that time the kids are off from school, the teachers are working at home. I found out the other day that the 3 month vacation thing is a myth too. At least in this state, the teachers have to take professional development classes over the summer to keep their licenses. Before I took this job, the community I am considering one day applying to offered me a job where I could live in the convent and teach 3 year olds part time. I didn't feel like I was ready to take such a serious step in the discernment process (worried what it would mean if it didn't work out,) so I declined. Maybe that is what I should have done. Edited October 8, 2011 by Lilllabettt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winchester Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 [img]http://www.impawards.com/1970/posters/kill_them_all_and_come_back_alone.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sixpence Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) This sounds a lot like how I felt my first year in grad school..... questioning why I was there, thinking I was a failure, feeling alone, not having any idea what else I might do is I dropped out... not to mention relationship problems in the middle of it all. For about two weeks I could hardly eat I was so upset. I got worried cause I just was not feeling better.. I went to a few counseling sessions... I truly believe that God was only reason I got through it! ..but anyway, I stuck it out and things got better. I do not know how similar your situation is, but it sounds like you are feeling similar. Prayers! edit: I remember I kept telling myself... if it stay this bad for one year I might join the Peace Corps or something Edited October 8, 2011 by sixpence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent Vega Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 The thing about noble professions is that they're generally not a lot of fun nor terribly easy. You can do it, and it will pay off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 People say things like that to me. Did I think teaching would be fun? no, not in this school. Easy? no. But I did have these ideas. I thought: I will work 12 hrs a day, sure. But that leaves plenty of time to go to the gym. Plenty of time on the weekends to go places and make friends. Plenty of time to read a good book and go to adoration. I was just wrong, wrong wrong. I don't have time to do dishes or laundry. but i do have time to phatmass!! well, while grading papers. must set priorities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent Vega Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUSY1ydMpi8"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUSY1ydMpi8[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent Vega Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Video's pretty dumb but it's a good song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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